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This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Pregnancy choices

Unplanned 3rd baby...feeling so torn

29 replies

BlueGirl1982 · 13/12/2023 11:46

I found out last Friday that I'm pregnant. It wasn't planned, we already have 2 children (7 & 4) and my husband was clear on being done with 2 whereas I would have liked a 3rd (although he has refused to have a vasectomy) We got pregnant very easily with our other 2 so it shouldn't be too much of a surprise that we've ended up in this position after not being careful.

So I feel I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place…Husband has made it clear that he wouldn’t choose to have a third child but he’s not going to tell me to get a termination as it’s my choice. At the same time as telling me he worries our relationship wouldn’t survive another child. I agree with his reasons…not enough bedrooms, already stretched finances, impact on the other kids, risks due to my age (over 40)…but I can’t shake that a termination just feels wrong. Equally it feels really selfish if I go ahead with the pregnancy knowing that it might cost me my marriage and deprive my existing kids of things they would have otherwise had.

Obviously this isn’t one of those situations where you can find a compromise, and I just don't know what to do. Currently I have an appointment scheduled with BPAS to discuss medical termination because I feel that's my only choice.

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heartbroken22 · 14/12/2023 01:30

At the end of the day it's your decision.

This is my story. I got pregnant with 3rd and had an abortion. Grief killed me once the pregancny hormones left and sometimes the grief comes back now. I got pregnant again 3 months later and now have a baby.

I was really worried about everything with 3 kids. But honestly speaking not to sway your decision or anything...just to be honest...all my fears were unnecessary. Baby 3 just fits in. We have a 2 bedroom, live off one wage etc. it can be done...

This next part I'm also going to be honest. When baby 3 was born me and my husband were at each other's throats, hated each other constant fighting etc but I kept saying to myself wait till 3 months and things will get easier and it will pass. It did at 6 weeks. Now it's been 5 months and I wouldn't have it any other way with my 3 kids. I found it hard with a 2 year old and 6 year old but I can manage most days. You have nice age gaps. Both will be in school. It will affect ur marriage but it won't break it so long as u understand each other and talk from now. It's just about getting through the hard phases.

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UUS38 · 14/12/2023 06:59

I’m in a similar position but both my kids are teens (the youngest would have an age gap of 15 years!)

I don’t worry as much about my marriage but space, finances, the bigger plan has a lot to do with the fact I feel there is a decision to be made. Like you I feel that termination for myself is the wrong choice but there’s a part of me that understands it is the right choice for my family.

i had an appointment nearly 2 weeks ago and cried the whole way there and then sat and sobbed to my husband in the carpark. I eventually agreed to just going and talk to them but we missed our appointment and then had to rebook. I am rebooked for this weekend and still feel torn really deep down. I have said to my husband that I understand the reasons behind doing it but emotionally I
am really struggling.

I know he will stand by me and come around if I choose to go ahead but I worry later down the road he will resent me and the decision.

sorry, I know that’s probably
not much help. I just didn’t want to read and run and I just wanted to let you know what I understand what a difficult decision it is!

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C40 · 14/12/2023 09:34

I am in an identical position as you and so torn too. I’ve just turned 40, unplanned, my youngest will be 15 and my oldest 17. Both have never expressed wanting another sibling.

Supportive husband (who would prefer not to have another) but would probably come round with time.

I went to first appointment yesterday and sobbed (now have surgical which is booked in next week).

I can’t handle this emotionally & feel like termination is the wrong choice but equally I know deep down that it will be best for my family.

Termination- which would just impact me or carrying on with pregnancy-which would impact the whole family 3 people

Probably the most heartbreaking decision to make.

I can’t offer advice but just to let you know thinking of you x

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UUS38 · 14/12/2023 13:20

It’s as if we are writing the same story! My eldest would also be 17 by the time the baby would be born.

so difficult, especially as the kids are older. My two would be doing GCSEs and A Levers with a baby under 1 in the house and that worries me and like you it’s about the effects on everyone else.

the counsellor I spoke with said I need to consider what is right for me and not everyone else but as we all know that’s easier said than done!

my added complication is I had been pushing DH to have a vasectomy as my contraceptive coil was problematic and he’s now booked in for Jan to have it so even though another baby wasn’t in the plan I am struggling with what I will do if I terminate and regret and want to try again. DH is adamant he is going through with the snip. I can’t blame him as I was asking him to do it before and I know that it’s what needs to be done really.

All so complicated and difficult (and right near Christmas!)

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C40 · 14/12/2023 16:11

Totally the same! It’s the could I live with the regret. I keep telling myself a 3rd was just never in the plans, to focus on what we have ahead and to detach myself from it all but it’s impossible.

A levels & GCSEs to contend with which is part of the reason why I don’t want to impact the kids and space will be tight so don’t want to turn their lives upside down at such a significant point in their lives.

One minute I convince myself I can manage it and the next I doubt that we can. It’s so hard & emotional.
I’m so glad you sort counselling and I truly hope everything works out for you whatever you decide to do x

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UUS38 · 14/12/2023 16:33

Yes I feel exactly the same. Like you I am trying to focus on the original plan and focus on all the things we said we would so as the kids got older etc as we had them quite young (I’m 38, nearly 39). The additional worry with being a little older is the risk of addition complications etc which wouldn’t make me want a baby any less but may make a difficult situation more difficult.

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BlueGirl1982 · 15/12/2023 13:40

I had my BPAS consultation this morning, having mostly decided that termination was the right decision for everyone. I assumed as I’m only 4 weeks it would be straightforward process of issuing pills however they’ve said I need to have a scan as I was on the pill till the end of August so haven’t had 3 normal periods prior to getting pregnant. I really didn’t want a scan, it makes it more real than I want it to be, plus the timing is terrible (thanks Christmas!) I was feeling relatively at peace with my decision but now I’m in turmoil again 😢

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UUS38 · 15/12/2023 13:59

I also have to have a scan as I had some (what I think is implantation) bleeding and completely understand what you mean. Apparently there is no sound and they turn the screen away but part of me still wants to see. I know if I do that I will want to keep it though…so tough. How long do you have to wait for and scan?

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C40 · 15/12/2023 14:39

😢 I was scanned this week (5 weeks 6 days) sobbed through it but they had the screen away and no sound. I wish I had elected for pills as I’m dreading going back now. I couldn’t take them at home as kids on holidays and already suspicious that something isn’t right with me so thought surgical would be better for me. Christmas timing is making it all feel worse. Im still torn but trying to convince myself that I’m doing the right thing for the right reasons- just so hard isn’t it.

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BlueGirl1982 · 28/12/2023 06:40

I had my scan and they gave me the pills but I still don't know what to do. I didn't take them straight away as it was 21st December and I didn't want to risk ruining Christmas but know that it's decision time now. I was really hoping my husband would have started to come around to the idea but he's just so focused on all of the negatives and practicalities...it's not that he's wrong, he's probably not, but in spite of all that, a termination still just feels wrong to me.

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UUS38 · 28/12/2023 09:26

Hi BlueGirl1982, sorry to hear you are still struggling with a decision. I am too. I went for my scan on 16/12 and they said I was further along than I thought…9+1! They gave me the pills but I found excused the next few days as to why I couldn’t /shouldn’t take them and then before I knew it, it was the last day I could. I was then honest with my husband and said I didn’t think I could go through with MA as I was scared of the process and what I may see.

We spoke and agreed to book in for surgical but when I called they could only get me in for the pre-op on 6/1 (I’ll be 12+1) and said they can’t tell me when the procedure will be until at that appointment. I know feel like it’s going to be so late by the time they do it and that’s not what I wanted at all but I can only blame myself as I couldn’t bring myself to take the tablets.

As time ticks on DH hasn’t really changed his mind but I think he knows as we get further down the line that it is more likely I
will go ahead. Although, I feel weirdly more at peace with surgery than medical. It still doesn’t feel right though…

How long do you have to take the pills?

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BlueGirl1982 · 28/12/2023 09:42

@UUS38 I'm so sorry you're going through this too, it's so hard. I was only 5 weeks at my scan last week (as expected) so I do have a few weeks to think about it, but I'm already scared of the process so that's only going to get worse the further along I get. I keep trying to tell myself that because of my age the risk of there being an issue is much higher and I may well end up having to terminate anyway but that feels different. Whilst I understand my husband's concerns I do believe you just figure things out, whereas he wants all the answers now about childcare, house and juggling 3 lots of hobbies etc, and thinks because I don't have them it means I'm not thinking about the practical just the emotional. Whereas I can't understand how the emotional isn't enough for him to just believe we'll figure it out.

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UUS38 · 28/12/2023 10:07

I told myself the same, that due to my age I would likely miscarry or something. As you said, it takes the decision out of your hands and feels like it would be easier.

Sounds as though our husbands are cut from the same cloth on this one! I keep telling myself I would be bonkers to keep the baby as it would flip life totally upside down! We also would probably have uni and child care costs all at the same time which feels
impossible. However, like you I feel like everything would work out one way or another.

I have tried to push it to the back of my mind over Christmas but I know that the 6th will come around and I will have to make the final
decision. I would never have wanted to terminate this late into the pregnancy but as I said I only have myself to blame as I have been faffing about!

I am sorry you are having such a tough time, I am glad to hear you have a bit of wiggle room time wise. Do you think you would find surgical easier? For me when I came to the crunch I was just too scared to go through with the pills.

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UUS38 · 01/01/2024 23:22

Hi @BlueGirl1982, just thought I would send a quick message to check in and see how you are. Hope you are ok

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BlueGirl1982 · 01/01/2024 23:54

Hi @UUS38 Thanks for checking in, to be honest I've mostly been burying my head in the sand for the last few days, flip flopping between the options, knowing time is ticking on. Went for a walk with a friend today (who doesn't know) and she was talking about someone who has just had their third baby and was talking about how difficult she's finding the third...part of me wanted to put my fingers in my ears but the other part of me thought I need to hear this, the reality of what I'm considering.

How are you feeling? x

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UUS38 · 02/01/2024 13:04

Much like you I buried my head in the sand over Christmas and new years but with the constant reminder I am pregnant, no alcohol, no soft cheeses etc and didn’t indulge as much as felt sick or had heartburn so although I’ve been trying to not think about it, there has been constant reminders.

My DH has his vasectomy tomorrow and my first appointment for the surgical abortion is Saturday. I can’t help but think that this is the stage where we should be going for a scan and then hopefully telling people. I remember the feeling with my other 2 and this feels so surreal and difficult.

DH still feels it’s better to have the termination and in lots of ways I agree but there’s a part of me that keeps trying to build myself up to tell him I want to keep the baby but I know the fall out would be a nightmare and I just keep thinking that it’s the selfish decision on my part.

I hope you are being kind to yourself and things get easier. X

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Lexaline · 04/01/2024 23:47

Hi all,

I’m in a similar position but I’m 11 weeks 2 days and I’ve no idea what I’m going to do. My youngest is still quite young but I just feel like I want to move on from the baby phase and into a new stage of life. I also feel like my partner and I are just too old. I hate it. I think if we were younger this would be an easy decision to keep.

The problem for me is that this was actually intentional after 2 miscarriages in the last year. How can I now feel that I don’t think that I want this? What is actually wrong with me, this makes no sense. I’m worried I’m not in my right mind and I can’t trust my feelings or thoughts anymore.

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Lexaline · 04/01/2024 23:49

@UUS38 I can totally relate to trying to ignore it over Christmas but being constantly reminded of it with everyone drinking but me, not wanting to eat all the things etc etc

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UUS38 · 05/01/2024 07:12

I’ve been quite emotional the last couple of days, I think it has been worse due to my appointment coming up tomorrow. I have looked at how finances etc would work and due to where we live now etc it would either mean really struggling for space (we already do) or using all our savings to look at somewhere else. We would also then have nursery plus uni costs all at the same
time and it just feels like it would be impossible to be able to do it all.

@Lexaline you have to do what’s right for you and your family and you do that is termination then that’s ok. I am just struggling as I am not sure termination is right for me and I am really struggling with it. my DH can’t understand why I am
struggling as much as I am but I think things in my past have made it harder. I have not had a termination before but there are things that were part of my childhood/teenage years and later on that have made me realise how much a child is a blessing to a family. Just a personal thought though and absolutely no judgement to anyone who feels termination is best- every person has to do what they feel is best for them in the situation they are in.

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BlueGirl1982 · 05/01/2024 08:42

Hi @Lexaline Sorry to hear you are struggling with this too. I think what you are feeling is very normal, I've felt like that in both previous planned pregnancies at times, and although I would have always said that I wanted a third, the reality of getting pregnant has left me doubting what I want and what the right thing to do is. My husband keeps pointing out all of the things we won't be able to do whilst I'm pregnant/baby is young, and although I think that is only for such a short time it is making me question whether it is fair on my other two.

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BlueGirl1982 · 05/01/2024 08:46

@UUS38 Hope you're ok. I completely understand how a termination is such a difficult idea...I am 100% pro choice and think it's so important we have that choice, and never would have thought I'd have such an issue if it was the sensible choice, but here I am, knowing that the reality of continuing is going to make life tough, at least for a while and that the pros and cons list is definitely stacked in favour of a termination but I still can't do it.

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UUS38 · 19/01/2024 06:58

@BlueGirl1982 @Lexaline I just thought I would message and check in how you both are. Hope you’re doing ok x

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BlueGirl1982 · 19/01/2024 19:29

@UUS38 Thanks for checking in. Not good news for me sadly, after all of the agonising we decided to proceed, only to find out at an early scan today that the pregnancy hasn't actually developed. I've got an appointment at the early pregnancy unit on Monday to confirm but it's looking like a blighted ovum. I thought maybe I'd feel a little relieved but I'm heartbroken. Hope you are ok x

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Lexaline · 20/01/2024 00:12

@BlueGirl1982 I am so sorry. I have been there lots of times. It’s so hard. I hope you have SOME relief in that you are no longer agonizing over a decision. I know that is little consolation. The waiting for confirmation is horrible, I hope you get confirmation quickly and the rest of the process is as smooth as it can be.

@UUS38 thanks for checking in. I’m not doing so great. Booked the termination and went in yesterday but I was just a hysterical mess so they couldn’t do the procedure as they said I was too unsure, and I wasn’t able to tell them otherwise because I truly am so unsure. The doctor thinks I have untreated depression and started me on sertraline so I feel relieved that I’m finally taking steps to start healing my mental health. We re-booked the termination for next week just so that it’s booked. I still feel very anxious about the idea of continuing with the pregnancy and I had some sadness yesterday that it wasn’t just all over, even though I was unable to proceed.

How are you doing?? Did you come to a decision?

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UUS38 · 20/01/2024 08:24

@BlueGirl1982 I’m so sorry to hear that after making a decision that it’s not gone the way you had hoped. I hope you’re ok, it must be incredibly tough for you. X

@Lexaline I’ve been to 3 termination appointments and not managed it so know what you mean. I had 2 for MA and the first I couldn’t get into the appointment I was crying so much. The second I went and got the pills, the scan said I was further along then I thought and I only had a few days to take the pills. Again, I didn’t/couldn’t. I said to my partner I said I thought surgical would be better for me as I had a fear of passing the pregnancy (especially as it was further along than I thought). I went to a surgical abortion clinic (MSI) and they said due to my medical background they would have to refer to NHS and have the procedure in hospital (another wait).

between all this I said to my DH that by their dates I was getting far along and was uncomfortable that I hadn’t been checked etc. I think really in my head I still wanted my options open and I know I was getting too late for screening (12-14 weeks). I went to book in with a midwife and husband came with me. We then had a scan on Thursday and I was dated a few days further along again and so now I am 14 +2 and just about made the screening dates. The scan was surreal and to be honest now I would absolutely love to keep this baby (and all that comes along with it). DH and I are going to talk this weekend about what to do as we need to make the final decision.

I have a surgical abortion pre op booked in the next Monday and I will need to let work know I need the time off so decision time is really here this time. I’m also
starting to show (at least it feels like I am) and it’s getting harder to hide!

so all in all I’m still super confused apart from knowing that the scan just made me want to keep the baby and now we have all sorts of appointments related to that booked in…

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