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Pregnancy choices

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Original poster

Hiding a surgical abortion

28 replies

eujk · 21/11/2023 14:36

I was about to end up my relationship with DB when I find out I was pregnant. DB has been having drugs for the last 6 months to the point he's consuming daily. He won't accept he's an addict.

I'm 11 weeks pregnant and I knew I should have an abortion when I found out. I even called the clinic but I didn't collect the pills. I never thought I'd be in that position and I was scared. I thought I'd regret my decision. I thought I could have a child and that DB would change. I was in denial. He won't change and he's getting worse to the point I don't trust him and I don't feel safe around him. I've seen so many red flags in the last weeks and I know I HAVE to run away ASAP

I do want to have an abortion, I don't want to be linked to this person in any way. I can't tell him about the abortion because I'm scared of his reaction so I'll tell I had a miscarriage (I know it's disgusting and I apologise because I know is a very sensitive topic). I worry he'd find out it was an abortion (surgical) what can I say/do so he won't find out?

I'm having the procedure on Thursday but I'll be living in the same house until December when I move to my new place. I have no family in the UK so I can't go to anyone else's house.

I just want to have the abortion without him or his family knowing, say I miscarriged and get away from him. I'm scared.

OP posts:
Iheartmysmart · 21/11/2023 14:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

curaçao · 21/11/2023 14:44

are you scared he will be violent, or just angry?

GreenDay9irl · 21/11/2023 14:48

If you’re worried he will find out medically he won’t. He will only find out if you, or someone you have told tells him. He has no right to access your medical records. Even if you are pregnant with his baby.

FedUpOfInstaMum · 21/11/2023 14:50

I'm confused. Have you told him you're pregnant or not?

NewJobNewMeNewLife · 21/11/2023 14:52

I would go away for a weekend and go to a hotel to convalesce? so you’re out of his way,

Original poster
eujk · 21/11/2023 15:00

FedUpOfInstaMum · 21/11/2023 14:50

I'm confused. Have you told him you're pregnant or not?

He knows I'm pregnant. I got very bad morning sickness so he insisted in having a pregnancy test. I didn't say I had had one before.

OP posts:
Original poster
eujk · 21/11/2023 15:02

curaçao · 21/11/2023 14:44

are you scared he will be violent, or just angry?

Violent.. I fear he'll kick me out of the house.

OP posts:
TheChosenTwo · 21/11/2023 15:04

He will not find out unless you tell him 💐

GrannypantsMagee · 21/11/2023 15:08

eujk · 21/11/2023 15:02

Violent.. I fear he'll kick me out of the house.

Show quote history

Tell them this at the clinic. They might be able to help/find a temporary safe house/offer you advice. I would definitely not tell him, but if you're scared, you need back up. Good luck xxx

therealcookiemonster · 21/11/2023 15:30

really confused... by DB do you mean your bf?

Original poster
eujk · 21/11/2023 15:31

Edit: He does know I'm pregnant. I want him to know I had a miscarriage and I'm not expecting anymore. I don't want him asking for a baby in the future.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 21/11/2023 15:35

If he knows you are pregnant then he's going to guess. He may be an addict but he's not stupid.

You need to be elsewhere. He has no right to prevent you, but he could react badly, so I'd try to move out early. Family? friends?

Maray1967 · 21/11/2023 15:37

I have had a surgical removal of a miscarriage - as far as I’m aware it’s a very similar procedure to an abortion at that stage. I don’t see how anyone would find out which situation applies.

However, you need support. Please tell the healthcare professionals and get away from this man.

MintJulia · 21/11/2023 15:37

And, OP, it's not disgusting. At all.

You do whatever you need to do, to stay safe xx

Original poster
eujk · 21/11/2023 15:37

therealcookiemonster · 21/11/2023 15:30

really confused... by DB do you mean your bf?

Yes ,boyfriend. Sorry, first time posting here

OP posts:
lizpi · 21/11/2023 15:38

Please contact women's aid or refuge.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

refuge.org.uk

They will help you.

Maray1967 · 21/11/2023 15:39

And don’t worry about anyone like me thinking it’s disgusting - it’s not and I don’t . You need help. In your situation I would take the same action if I could not be safely pregnant away from him.

Catza · 21/11/2023 15:40

When you go to the clinic, they will ask you about the situation at home (to be fair, it is mostly to check that you are not being forced to abort). At that point you can tell them your concerns and they will signpost you to the relevant support.
The BF will not find out about your abortion, the clinic won't even tell your GP without your consent. It is completely anonymous. You will likely feel absolutely fine and I was able to return to work the very next day.
December is just a few weeks away, why not move yourself to airbnb for now? And once you do, you can tell him honestly what happened. I hope you didn't give him your new address, though

frenchtipss · 21/11/2023 15:45

I think you can disguise it as a miscarriage however there's lots of bleeding and cramps so be prepared for that. Ideally you'll need the thickest pads - if you prep that, he may figure it put. He also may want to call for medical help if he genuinely thinks it's a miscarriage so you may need to pretend you already have.

GarlicMaybeNot · 21/11/2023 15:45

Well, it is a miscarriage. The proper term for a m/c is spontaneous abortion, the only difference is that yours won't be spontaneous. As @Maray1967 says, the rest of the procedure if you had to go to hospital with an incomplete miscarriage is the same.

It will be easier if you can conveniently start your 'miscarriage' and be admitted to hospital while you and he are apart. I'm assuming you've already made arrangements to that end. I also agree about telling the healthcare team, they may be able to help you.

poppy483958 · 21/11/2023 15:48

If it helps, here's my experience:

I had a vacuum aspiration abortion at 6 weeks a few years ago at a Marie stopes clinic. I had sedation (not under anaesthetic).

My experience was that I turned up to the clinic, had a scan, had the procedure, had to wait in a 'waiting room' while the sedation wore off for an hour afterwards. From that point it was just like having a period.

It took probably max 2 hours in and out.

I don't think anyone would have known / noticed I'd had an abortion if I hadn't told them, was just like a period afterwards.

I had a medical abortion in the past (taking 2x pill) and that was very different. It was more painful and happened over 24 hours to pass the tissue. I couldn't have hidden that.

Whataretheodds · 21/11/2023 15:54

It might be easier to tell him that a scan has identified a missed miscarriage and you are booked in for surgical management on Thursday. That way you don't have to fake any bleeding at home until after the procedure.

Is there a risk he'll ask to see the scan report? Or try to accompany you to the appointment?

Sprinkles211 · 21/11/2023 15:58

Thr problem you have doing that with a controlling partner is that he will take you to the hospital and tell them your having a miscarriage but your notes will say what's happened any way you do it is going to put you in danger is there not a way you can leave sooner a friend that can help.

CecilyP · 21/11/2023 16:01

I can't tell him about the abortion because I'm scared of his reaction so I'll tell I had a miscarriage (I know it's disgusting and I apologise because I know is a very sensitive topic).

It’s not disgusting or anything to apologise for. It would be a terrible situation to bring a child into. The fact that he makes you scared is the disgusting thing. I think PPs suggestion of a missed miscarriage is a good one. But the fact you feel you have to lie, shows you what a bad situation you are in. Hopefully you will be away from him soon and never have to see him again!

DeeKitch · 21/11/2023 16:07

Yes do this x