To continue with pregnancy or not

[anonymouswriter]

I’m 7 weeks pregnant, unexpected and unplanned. Everything in life seems to be making it feel like it’s not the ‘right’ time, whether that be financially, holidays booked and paid for, partner just started new job etc.

We live in our own home, have good jobs but would have to struggle for 9 months or so on maternity leave.

I have thought about my decision for two long weeks and I’m booked in at the clinic tomorrow. I previously had an appointment but I got so emotionally during that they couldn’t go ahead with the termination.

Any advice?

If you wish to go through with the pregnancy (you can decide not to for any reason!) and remain as a couple your partner should support you financially when on maternity leave. Combine your incomes (even on paper if you don’t want to put all your income into a joint account) and work out how to cover all bills from that leaving you both some money for basic spending. Realistically most of us (including me!) who only get SMP aren’t going to be living the high life. But it’s not forever & can use vinted for baby clothes, second hand for a lot of necessities, if family want to buy you gifts ask for specific things you need or Amazon / supermarket vouchers you can use to buy baby essentials. You’ll also likely get child benefit unless your partner is a high earner.

Hi, yes absolutely! I see us getting married and having a family together. I can say with certainty (previous relationship 7 years, engaged and never ever saw us ahead in the ‘future’) that we are both eachothers soul mates. We love eachother very much but are also eachothers best friends.

T&C’s are below:

Any cancellation will incur a cancellation processing fee of £75 per Package booking and £25 for hotel-only bookings, plus any charges from the Service Provider(s) as follows:
Flight: 100% of the value of the flights is non-refundable from the point of booking (including baggage, insurance, etc.).
Accommodation: Cancellation charges will depend on whether you have booked a refundable or a non-refundable product. Cancellation charges will be specified to you at the time of booking and vary from one Service Provider to another. You should check your Booking Confirmation and any documentation for details of your specific cancellation terms.

My partner earns £250 a month more than me. He has said we would 100% share finances and he would financially support us x

This whole thing is really bizarre and it looks like you are looking for an excuse to terminate and are fixated on the holiday.

If you and your partner can’t find £1000 between you despite your joint income (he does realise it’s not just your problem to solve I assume?!) in order to end the holiday issue so you can afford to have the baby, then it implies the baby isn’t what you want and it isn’t the priority.

At the end of the day you have to make a choice and I get the feeling you don’t want to have the baby but possibly feel guilty about it (which you shouldn’t) so are trying to use the holiday to make it look like you have no other option but to terminate.

To be very clear my partner is extremely supportive. He would support us financially, it’s me that feels guilty having to ‘live off’ his wage as I am independent and support myself financially.

But this is the reality in almost every couple. You’re not “living off his wage” he is supporting the family financially while your income takes a hit to look after your baby.

I understand, I think the issue is me rather than anyone else/him, I struggle to accept that change x

I think you're just looking for an excuse to justify it, which you don't need to. Not wanting a baby is good enough reason to have an abortion.

The money you're mentioning is more than enough and there's no way if you cancel a holiday this far in advance you'd be expected to pay for the whole thing.

If you don't want the baby, just have the abortion

Sorry you're in this dilemma. You could speak to a professional for independent advice eg www.bpas.org/abortion-care/considering-abortion/advice-and-counselling/

Can you do a name swap for your holiday booking? A friend or family member might buy it off you for a slight discount?

Thank you x

ive spoken to NUPAS (my provider) had counselling. Twice. It’s not helped me at all personally, we’ve looked into all options / moving the holiday etc, they charge thousands for any changes

sorry my comment came across much harsher than I intended!

It didn’t at all, thank you for being honest x

It's your choice but I can't imagine letting a holiday or a the loss of a couple of thousand pounds over it even be a factor in deciding whether to continue a pregnancy or not. You're talking about a child you'll have for life vs. a short holiday and money you can make back in time. I agree with other posters that if you let the holiday dictate, you are looking for an excuse.

I'll reply to your PM separately about the holiday and focus on the pregnancy issue here.

My strong advice to you is to try and put the holiday out of your mind and focus on all the other issues. £1000 to cancel is a lot of money but it is a drop in the ocean in the grand scheme of things in terms of your life together.

You can terminate your pregnancy if you don't want to have a baby just yet, that's absolutely fine. But don't do it just because of a holiday. Because if you don't really want to terminate or you regret your decision, you will not enjoy the holiday anyway. You'll be in some amazing place thinking about the newborn baby you could have been holding and it will just make you feel sad.

So focus on other things.

You say you see yourself being with your partner in the long term and that's great. Do you want to get married? If so, do you want to be married before having kids? (If you do, this can be done in a short time frame and for not much money.)

You talk about 9 months' maternity leave which suggests you would be planning to go back to work afterwards rather than be a SAHM. This would put you in a stronger financial position, even if being the working mother of a young child is hard.

If you do have a baby together, you should try and get it into your head that there is no more your money and his money. You are no longer boyfriend and girlfriend, but a family with a child. His wages plus your maternity pay would just be your joint household income. Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that it would be your responsibility to fund your own maternity leave and your responsibility to pay for childcare. These are joint responsibilities. And your partner should also be doing his fair share of housework and childcare duties. If he is in a position to take paternity leave or even shared parental leave, that would be absolutely wonderful for your relationship as equal parents and for his relationship with your child. If you can see it working out like this if you have the baby, I would consider continuing with the pregnancy.

If, on the other hand, you have any niggling doubts about your partner, or how you will share financial, household and childcare responsibilities, or even just whether you want to have a baby at this time in your life, consider the alternative. There is no shame in having a termination if you just aren't ready to have a baby.

Only you can decide.

But don't let the holiday be the deciding factor because even the threat of a £1000 cancellation fee really is trivial in the grand scheme of things.

It doesn't make any difference what anyone else says or thinks about your pregnancy. If you don't want to go ahead with it, don't.

You're young enough to wait and bring a baby into the world when you feel more financially secure and really happy about being pregnant.

If the only reason you're not getting a termination is because you feel you need a reason... not wanting to have the baby is reason enough.

Yeah sorry, I do agree with PP. It seems to all come down to missing a holiday.

Agree, you seem really fixated on this holiday. Just think anything could happen between now and then that may cause you to cancel.

It seems like you want people to tell you that it's ok to terminate for this reason. The truth is you don't need justification, it's your choice.

If you have £2000 per month for spends, then just pay the grand and be done. I'm extremely pro choice but to repeatedly claim you'll be poverty stricken over £1000 and dropping to £600 spends as a reason to terminate is pretty dire and insulting to anyone who really struggles and has struggled with this decision.

of course the decision is up to you. Ideally you should feel confident in that decision. I want to let you know I’ve been in that situation - not wanting a baby and not wanting a termination either - there were more logical reasons to terminate but despite taking myself to the clinic I kept breaking down.

It is a very hard decision and like many have said, not wanting the baby is enough of a reason but sometimes our bodies don’t allow us to make the decision as easily. The reasons can be unexplainable.

Although you’ve found therapy pointless, keep at it and see if you can make some time to reflect on what you really want and why there is some residence in your side.

Wishing you luck xx

Hi OP,

You mention your partner but not your Mum, any siblings, extended family. It’s just your attitude to sharing money raised alarm bells for me here - you are fiercely independent. Is this because of experiences related to your family of origin?

If you have any family backstory or prior issues with mental health, could you tell a trusted friend about your pregnancy? They may give more support and know you as a person better than a helpline?

It’s unusual to feel you have to stand on your own to this extent. If believing you can’t rely on people is making you anxious about money and that’s impacting your decision making, could you talk to someone about it in real life?

My apologies if I’m mega wide off the mark here. I hope you’re ok and whatever you decide you make the right decision for you.

My first baby came way before I planned, but I realized I really did want to be a mum, and we made it work. When my daughter was born, suddenly nothing else mattered except loving her and keeping her safe. If you have strong feelings keeping you from aborting, it could be that you are ready deep down to have a baby. Sometimes the best things in life are not what we planned. But I hope you are able to sort through your feelings and find your best path forward, and decide your priorities with a clear head and heart.