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This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Pregnancy choices

Regretting my abortion

26 replies

LilyOfTheValley33 · 02/09/2023 23:06

I had an abortion a few months ago and really regret it. In my head it was the right thing to do, but it was probably not what I really wanted to do in my heart.

My husband and I have two gorgeous DC and I accidentally got pregnant for a third time. My husband and I have always spoken about having two children and I think I surprised myself by how much I love being a mum. I always knew I wanted children, but I was never a super maternal person cooing over other people’s kids. I had assumed that I would find small children a slog.

Now we have our two children, my husband is extremely adamant that two is enough and doesn’t know how we would cope with three. He has been talking about getting a vasectomy.

His reasons are mostly logical / practical e.g. we would need a bigger car. We are also planning to privately educate our children (at least for part of their schooling) and it would be a real stretch to afford that for 3 kids. He also (rightly) thinks that we are very lucky with what we have got and should just be happy and grateful with that.

When I got unexpectedly pregnant, my husband was in favour of terminating. He did not and would not have forced me to have a termination, but I didn’t want to keep a baby knowing that it was very much against what my husband wanted.

The pregnancy was also badly timed as I only went back to work after my second maternity leave at the beginning of this year and I feel like I am just getting back in the swing of work and getting my personal finances back on an even keel. When I found out about the pregnancy we also knew that we were about to move house (relocating to a new party of the country) and I wasn’t sure how I would cope with a new baby on top of that.

In my head it felt like having the abortion was the sensible thing to do, but a few months down the line I feel very sad about it. I often think about what the baby would have been like and I feel very jealous and sad when I see pregnant women, small babies and other families with 3 kids.

I suspect I will always feel some sadness about it, but hopefully over time it will fade.

Just here for a handhold really and would also be interested to hear from anyone who has experienced similar.

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Am I being unreasonable?

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CoteDOpale · 02/09/2023 23:11

Christ, I rarely talk about it but I probably should.
I was the same - had one in early 2020, just as COVID hit. What hurts the most is that the baby was planned but circumstances drastically changed essentially overnight. Aborted at 10 weeks.

I wasn’t 100% on that decision and still regret it, but know that given what happened it was the logical decision. We’re now TTC again over three years on so it’s brought up a few memories. It will always be sad, but being open is the key here - talk to your partner as much as you need to. Keep it as something you can discuss openly and if that’s not enough please look at counselling.

Not much to add but hand hold. x 💐

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CoteDOpale · 02/09/2023 23:12

Also, to the people who voted YABU, please fuck off. ☺️

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daffodi · 02/09/2023 23:12

I understand and I’ve been there. Have a hand hold. You did what you thought was best at the time and that’s all you can do.
You can always try again - that’s absolutely ok. X

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Tcr1987 · 03/09/2023 22:32

I was in a very similar situation last summer. Has been over a year since I had the abortion and I think I made the right choice for my family at the time. I’m grateful for all the additional time I’ve got to spend with my kids and things we just wouldn’t have been able to do together if I were pregnant/ had a newborn.

It hasn’t stopped me from thinking about it all the time though - less now about what the baby would have looked like/ how things could have been but I constantly internally debate getting pregnant again and often feel sad about it. The same ‘head’ decisions are still there, but a year on and with a now 5 and 3 year old it seems a far less terrifying prospect. It would be nice to not feel jealous of my pregnant friends and families of 5 any more.

Something still stops me from trying again though, which I probably should get to the bottom of.

Morning after I took the first pill I woke up in an absolute state regretting what I’d done. The weeks and months after were incredibly tough emotionally. So yes, it’s definitely faded over time for me but I also feel far from over it. It feels realistic to say that, if we don’t decide to get pregnant again, I’ll have some level of sadness about it forever.

I hope it’s not the same for you and that you just need some more time, 2 months isn’t long. It’s a bloody rough situation to be in!

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Saskia2023 · 06/09/2023 21:09

give yourself space to grieve- its a complicated grief as not one we talk about but its ok to allow yourself to feel sad and think about the what ifs-you've lost something and the circumstances make it hard to process sometimes. message us on here anytime- theres a number of us who have been through it and it is the toughest thing you hope to every go through. i am sure also the sadness has suprised you- the general public consensus is that its women's rights to abortion and we should be able to access it but until i went through the process i never realised that for some people you come out of it and arent back to where you were before. it may erase the situation but doesnt mean it didn't happen. i dont think the clinics prepare us enough for how some women (not all) experience what feels like an intense bereavement afterwards. a counsellor explained to me that it will always be part of you but with time the grief and how much it overtakes you gradually reduces- so its no longer as all consuming. But please do access counselling, there s a number of specific charities out there that provide support include ARCH which offer a helpine available most evenings- ive phoned them a number of times and just talking through when the feelings are too intense helps. sending you so much love- its the club you never think you will be part of (and i hope no one has to go through it!) x

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heartbroken22 · 06/09/2023 21:38

I think the grief will always be there and it will lessen with time but it will be there.

I had an abortion last year due to Hg. 3rd child. If I could go back in time I wouldn't have had it. Even now whilst typing I feel anxiety. I got pregnant 3 months later after the abortion and thought I don't care how sick I get I'm going to have this baby. I wanted a 3rd child but immediately when the hormones came in again I thought wth have I done. My family supported me and even when thinking about terminating due to hg they said let it be. This is what u wanted. My baby is now 2 months old and the pregnancy was hard work but it's taken the grief away otherwise I had compulsive thoughts about what could have been. When I wasn't pregnant I really wanted a third child. But when I actually did get pregnant the hormones and sickness causes so much anxiety I would panick and want to run away from it. But it was only for a few weeks. Even now when baby was born I was good then panicked again due to post natal anxiety...but once I got medicine I've calmed down and can cope with 3 kids.

It's upto you just keep reminding yourself about why u had it done but always remember it's normal to have a little bit of grief. I remember walking in Disneyland and something just clicked and I thought terminating was right. I wouldn't have coped. But then certain times of the month my maternal instincts would kick in and say I wish you didn't do that.

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Samiasarwar · 13/01/2024 20:56

I Don't know how to say this.
I Didn't wanted to abort my baby but boyfriend and his mother forced me to do so
And then I after that i feel like i just lost myself
There's no happiness at this moment
It's been three months since my abortion and every single day i just have to cry and cry.

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Rubie2024 · 15/01/2024 18:15

Hey not sure if you will see this now but in the middle of all this currently took 1 tablet today and the other 2 tomorrow and already feeling regretful and upset, my head is about to explode have 1 DD who I am utterly besotted with and grateful for. But marriage is not great so this was part of my reasoning. Hope this feeling passes asap

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Samiasarwar · 15/01/2024 21:19

Just Don't do it to yourself
If you Don't want this abortion
Just go to your doctor and tell your doctor
He / she might be able to prevent this abortion
As medical abortion Won't succeed unless you took all the pills

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heartbroken22 · 15/01/2024 22:15

@Rubie2024 not sure if this is what you're saying...but you still have a chance of termination not working if u don't take the second pills...there's many threads on here about other womens experiences...

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Regretttt · 26/01/2024 12:44

I just an abortion 2 days back and Ive already regretted it. I have 2 amazing kids and thought cant cope with a 3rd one. The minute I took the pill I just felt a gush of sadness and now am thinking I should get pregnant. I am just a mess.

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heartbroken22 · 27/01/2024 14:42

@Regretttt what you're feeling is totally normal. It will take time to heal from this but you'll never forget. How does your partner feel about trying again?

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Regretttt · 27/01/2024 15:34

@heartbroken22 how long did it take you to conceive your 3rd one ? My husband doesn't want a 3rd one now. He wanted this child badly but it was me who did want It and he doesn't want to go through such a thing ever again which I can understand. I have 2 girls and now I suddenly want a boy , am going a little crazy

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heartbroken22 · 28/01/2024 22:01

It would have been 3-4 months later although I didn't use protection in those following months. My partner wasn't keen either even saying he didn't want to do the deed (which I found heartless almost as though he was blaming me for my choice. I had really bad hg and remember wanting to die from the nausea). But then when he say me depressed and crying he just gave in...let nature decide. I had 2 girls too and now have a beautiful third one...initially wanted a boy and so did dd6 who is my eldest...we didn't find out gender and left it open...to say I don't care what God gives me so long as he/she are healthy...she's 6 months now and I adore her...easiest baby yet and ohh so happy.

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Regretttt · 29/01/2024 10:26

@heartbroken22 aww I am so happy that you have found your peace and met your angel baby. Btw just wondering do you have help and support? My biggest worry is not having any help and support. I am by myself taking care of the 2 kids I have now. My husband is the main breadwinner which also means he is out of the house majority of the time including weekends. This is what scared me most and lead me to my termination that I would not cope mentally and emotionally.

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heartbroken22 · 01/02/2024 13:01

@Regretttt same situation as you in terms of support. How old are your kids? DH is the one that earns and I look after the kids who are 6, 2 and 6 months now. 2 year old will be 3 soon. 6 year old helps a lot in terms of playing with baby whilst I do something with 2 year old and vice versa. They have a lot of screen time too but that's okay because it won't be permanently. It's just until I can get them all to grow up a bit more. I have my parents nearby but they don't help much and it's normally we can only look after one. Very rarely will they have 2. You just learn to cope. It's hard at the start and you do cry wishing for help on odd days. But it gets easier and I wouldn't change it for the world. It is mentally tough but it's worth it. You just adjust even in terms of food. We're not fussy with leftovers and stuff and have snacks. Things I can give kids in their hands and I don't have to physically feed like fruit, sandwiches etc. so long as they have a balanced diet and it's what most families do. I can't do what my mum did and cook 2 proper meals a day, serve tea twice a day. Look around other people cope so why can't we? Honestly it's tough but so worth it. The first 6 weeks are hard. You just adjust and go into survival mode. Just plan from before. I batch cooked and had minimal clothes for baby so I wasn't busy sorting out billions of clothes like last time in all sorts of sizes.

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Regretttt · 01/02/2024 13:06

@heartbroken22 That's so encouraging to read. My eldest is 6 and younger is 2.5 going to turn 3 soon. I am 39 years old and I feel like that ship is sailing for me. Especially trying to convince my husband now to try , he said no because he really wanted the child I terminated and he doesn't want to go through that and he is scared we will be punished for what we did . So I do feel scared as well but I know now in my heart that what I did was not right for me and I really wish for a 3rd now. Also my termination was just last week, from what am reading I should give it time before diving back in again. Anyway only God knows if il ever conceive again since we did have infertility issues.

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heartbroken22 · 08/02/2024 20:47

@Regretttt atleast he's understanding from a place of fear. My partner wasn't so nice and I'd say abusive in thought. He'd say I don't even feel like having sex anymore what's the point when such a big sin was commited. Horrible right? But he came around when he saw how sad I was. God doesn't punish he understands. He helps. Stay positive and it's upto you when you start want to start trying. I didn't think I'd conceive but I told my husband I didn't want to use protection so didn't....

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Nipolo · 26/02/2024 14:42

I totally understand you it’s like I had an abortion cuz of hg.! Now I’m suicidal and planning another baby !

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heartbroken22 · 26/02/2024 21:41

@Nipolo I'm so sorry you're struggling and to anyone else that's struggling. Forgive yourself and trust yourself that you do what was right at the time. It's hard but some days you'll understand your choice and there will be days where you just want to meet your baby.

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Nipolo · 27/02/2024 07:17

I don’t know if I can forgive myself I killed something so precious all because I couldn’t keep food or water down I don’t know how I’ll ever heal from this , do you think I can have another one ?

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Regretttt · 27/02/2024 12:04

@Nipolo I aborted out of fear and anxiety of not being able to take care of a newborn cause I have 2 children already. I will never forgive myself for what I did and live with that regret. If I can take it all back, I would . My husband does not want to try again and I have to accept that. If I had a supportive partner I would definitely want to try again . I know it sounds silly but I did not realise this is how I would feel. I really hope you find some peace within you and forgive yourself. We are only human and we make mistakes, even good people make choices they regret.but we learn from it.

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heartbroken22 · 27/02/2024 21:09

@Nipolo of course you can. You can try. I'm not sure if ur religious but even if u aren't...u just end up reaching out to God and asking for help...I said to God please give me another child I don't care how Sick I get I will keep it and never do anything like that again...I will take the punishment on my body....what happened was I did get pregnant and a few weeks were tough but God made them easier for me...I'm not sure how...all my family were commenting I wasn't so sick like last time please have faith and forgive yourself. Trust yourself and your decision. What you chose to do was right for you at that time. Not being able to keep any food or water down is not normal and not true for everyone's pregnancies. Some pregnancies have worse and extremely worse sickness than others.

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heartbroken22 · 27/02/2024 21:10

@Regretttt how come he doesn't want to try again? Have you told him how you feel truly? I hope things change for you if that's what you want. Don't blame yourself, trust yourself , you did what was right at the time.

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Regretttt · 27/02/2024 21:48

@heartbroken22 he really wanted the child we terminated. He really struggled accepting my decision but finally accepted that we will just be a family of 4. He really cried alot on the day of the termination. This was very traumatic for him. He believes in karma and feels like we will be punished for what we did and does not want to take on that risk. And he also told me before the termination that this will be it for us.
It's hard for me now to ask him to reverse all this. I feel I don't have the right for even asking for that. I tried mentioning it and he immediately said no because of what we went through. It is my fault and I am just learning to accept it . I am so happy for others who can go on and have their rainbow baby as no one should go through something like this .

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