Page 3 | Boyfriend wants me to have an abortion

cara222 · 2022-07-06T21:53:27+00:00

Hi! I have never used this form so I'm not sure what I'm expecting! I suppose just some advice from other ladies that have been through a similar situation. My boyfriend and I are both 20, we haven't been together for very long although we have known eachother since childhood. I have fallen pregnant, I hadn't realised that antibiotics would interfere with my birth control. I know I'm not very far along, probably around 4 weeks. However I am absolutely certain that I want to keep this baby, I have suffered pregnancy loss before when I was 17. I told my bf, I wasn't expecting him to be excited but he basically begged me to have an abortion, I told him i would think about it. I really don't want to force him into doing something he doesn't want to do, I really don't want to be a single mother. My own father passed away when I was just a baby and she really struggled until she met my step father. I'm so lost, do I have an abortion or do I stick to my guns? :(

katnyps · 07/07/2022 17:13

You've said you are absolutely certain you want to have this baby so I think you've made your mind up. What you need to come to terms with is being a single parent.

heartbroken22 · 07/07/2022 17:32

Op, I wish I had my children young. 27 was okay but hard. After my thirties it was harder. My mother in law had 3 kids before 24 and she's very healthy.

lospolloshermanosass · 07/07/2022 18:07

Only have the baby if you'll be ok being a single mother.

I believe that women absolutely should have the last and only word on this. It's your body. If you know you want to keep the baby then you should, regardless of your boyfriend.

But also, I understand him to an extent. I got pregnant at your age and had an abortion. I was absolutely positive that that is what I wanted, and did not for a second regret it. But my boyfriend at the time was devastated and wanted me to keep the baby. He saw it as his child.

I sympathise with both sides. But women do and should have the final say, either way.

Elsiebear90 · 07/07/2022 19:05

Clymene · 07/07/2022 13:38

Who said anything about forcing him into n active parenting role @Loopyloopy?

Vasectomy is neither here nor there. If you had a newish boyfriend and he told you he'd had a vasectomy, you'd be insane to not use any contraception.

If you have PIV sex and you don't want children, take responsibility for your own contraception

So does the same go for women with partners who use condoms? Are they to be blamed for getting pregnant and told they shouldn’t want an abortion?

People are acting like condoms never fail, they do. They were using contraception, he’s 20 years old, they haven’t been together very long and she’s only four weeks pregnant, I don’t think him not wanting to be a parent and saying he would like her to have an abortion us unreasonable. It’s her choice, but he wasn’t being irresponsible by not using condoms when they were using another form of very reliable contraception.

Belephant · 07/07/2022 19:09

@Elsiebear90 no, because the woman has sex knowing that abortion is an option for her if she chooses.

No one is saying that he can't be sad about it. But if a man feels so strongly about not having a baby then he should be proactive by wearing a condom, he cannot leave all the responsibility to the woman and then pressure her into having an abortion.

Covidagainandagain · 07/07/2022 19:33

Its really frustrating that a thread where the op has specified she was using protection has descended into people telling her 'yes but not enough protection'

They were being sensible, the contraception failed. It happens.

A 20 year old isn't going to have a vasectomy. Abstinence as contraception doesn't work. Its crap the op didn't realise her medication/illness negated her birth control pills but they are where they are and conversations about contraception are not helpful or the point.

Op the people who have told you have to find the balance between not wanting an abortion and not wanting to be a single parent are right. Your partner might come round, but there is a fair chance he wont so unfortunately you have to decide whether you want to have a child by yourself or not.

Its worth having a wander over to the relationship boards where you will find many women who were older, married, in what they thought were stable relationships who still end up becoming single parents. Being in a relationship with a man who wants a baby, or being older than 20 is no guarantee of not being a single parent.

But only you know whether you have sufficient support around you to help you cope with this, either way.

Elsiebear90 · 07/07/2022 19:54

Belephant · 07/07/2022 19:09

@Elsiebear90 no, because the woman has sex knowing that abortion is an option for her if she chooses.

No one is saying that he can't be sad about it. But if a man feels so strongly about not having a baby then he should be proactive by wearing a condom, he cannot leave all the responsibility to the woman and then pressure her into having an abortion.

I don’t agree a man has to use condoms or have a vasectomy his entire life or embrace becoming a father no matter what the circumstances, as long as a reliable form of contraception is agreed upon on and used then all parties have every right to freak out and want an abortion if an accidental pregnancy occurs. Ultimately and quite rightly it’s her choice, but he’s barely out of his teens and they’ve been dating a short period of time, he doesn’t want to be a father, so the most sensible thing is an abortion and I can see why he’s begged her to have one, that doesn’t make him a terrible person, it’s a sensible valid solution to their predicament.

It’s her choice whether to have one or not, but she has to be prepared to parent alone if she goes through with the pregnancy, you can’t hold not using two forms of contraception against someone to guilt them into embracing becoming a parent.

KosherDill · 07/07/2022 22:26

Elsiebear90 · 07/07/2022 19:54

I don’t agree a man has to use condoms or have a vasectomy his entire life or embrace becoming a father no matter what the circumstances, as long as a reliable form of contraception is agreed upon on and used then all parties have every right to freak out and want an abortion if an accidental pregnancy occurs. Ultimately and quite rightly it’s her choice, but he’s barely out of his teens and they’ve been dating a short period of time, he doesn’t want to be a father, so the most sensible thing is an abortion and I can see why he’s begged her to have one, that doesn’t make him a terrible person, it’s a sensible valid solution to their predicament.

It’s her choice whether to have one or not, but she has to be prepared to parent alone if she goes through with the pregnancy, you can’t hold not using two forms of contraception against someone to guilt them into embracing becoming a parent.

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Agree with all of this.

heartbroken22 · 07/07/2022 22:34

I can't believe people are debating about this like it's a science experiment . OP what do u want? I know you want t to keep the baby...if for some reason you change ur mind ...speak to people who have terminated and see how they feel...I wish I did...

Clymene · 07/07/2022 22:38

People are acting like condoms never fail, they do. They were using contraception, he’s 20 years old, they haven’t been together very long and she’s only four weeks pregnant, I don’t think him not wanting to be a parent and saying he would like her to have an abortion us unreasonable. It’s her choice, but he wasn’t being irresponsible by not using condoms when they were using another form of very reliable contraception.

Yes condoms fail. But mostly they don't. He's trusting a woman in a new relationship to take the pill. Despite being very young, this is the OP's second unexpected pregnancy. That to me says she's either not very good at taking contraception or she wants to have a baby.

If you don't want a baby, take responsibility for your own contraception. Don't trust the other person to do so. Sometimes they're not very good at it, sometimes they're not very honest.

heartbroken22 · 07/07/2022 22:42

@Clymene who are you to pass judgement on whether op is good at using contraception or not. How rude.

Covidagainandagain · 07/07/2022 22:47

Clymene · 07/07/2022 22:38

People are acting like condoms never fail, they do. They were using contraception, he’s 20 years old, they haven’t been together very long and she’s only four weeks pregnant, I don’t think him not wanting to be a parent and saying he would like her to have an abortion us unreasonable. It’s her choice, but he wasn’t being irresponsible by not using condoms when they were using another form of very reliable contraception.

Yes condoms fail. But mostly they don't. He's trusting a woman in a new relationship to take the pill. Despite being very young, this is the OP's second unexpected pregnancy. That to me says she's either not very good at taking contraception or she wants to have a baby.

If you don't want a baby, take responsibility for your own contraception. Don't trust the other person to do so. Sometimes they're not very good at it, sometimes they're not very honest.

Or she got pregnant at 17 because a condom split, or she wasn't great at contraception at 17 because lots of 17 years old aren't.

But then she took control of her contraception, acted responsibility and only got pregnant this time because she didn't realise being sick would affect the pill.

Doesn't mean she is consistently bad at contraception, or is trying to get herself pregnant.

ditalini · 07/07/2022 22:52

He can't make you have an abortion. That is your choice.

You can't make him continue a relationship with you, or to have a relationship with his child (although he will still have to contribute financially). That's his choice.

I do feel like couples should sound each other out re their attitudes to unexpected pregnancy, but I get why people don't. Hope for the best outcome for you op, whatever that turns out to be.

respark321 · 07/07/2022 23:12

I think there's too much negativity on this thread. OP was using protection, it happens. It's not ideal but it happens. Neither her or her partner are in the wrong.

You've said yourself you want to keep the baby. Good for you. However you do have to consider that you will be doing this alone, and you'll need support, practically, emotionally and (potentially) financially. Universal credit and council housing are in an atrocious state. You may have to work, need family support with childcare, it will be hard. But it's your body and your decision. You can do it if that's the choice you want to make.

You're young, healthy and can do this. I hope you make the best decision.

Belephant · 08/07/2022 09:47

@Elsiebear90 where exactly did I say he has to embrace being a parent because he didn't wear a condom? I said he can't pressure his girlfriend into having an abortion, and pointed out that it's very silly to not wear a condom and then be totally shocked when birth control fails.

All of my friends double up on contraception until they're fully into a long term/more stable relationship. Obviously got STD reasons as well as pregnancy. We were literally taught this in PSHE at school? It's not a crazy paranoid concept.

Belephant · 08/07/2022 09:52

I just want to add I don't want to put any onus on the OP for her boyfriend not wearing a condom - that's his responsibility. I hate that contraceptive responsibility overwhelmingly falls to the woman.

I've realised I've derailed this thread, and I'm very sorry for that OP. I hope other people's responses have helped you, and I'll get back in my box now x