Boyfriend wants me to have an abortion

[cara222]

Hi! I have never used this form so I'm not sure what I'm expecting! I suppose just some advice from other ladies that have been through a similar situation.

My boyfriend and I are both 20, we haven't been together for very long although we have known eachother since childhood.
I have fallen pregnant, I hadn't realised that antibiotics would interfere with my birth control.
I know I'm not very far along, probably around 4 weeks.
However I am absolutely certain that I want to keep this baby, I have suffered pregnancy loss before when I was 17.
I told my bf, I wasn't expecting him to be excited but he basically begged me to have an abortion, I told him i would think about it.
I really don't want to force him into doing something he doesn't want to do, I really don't want to be a single mother. My own father passed away when I was just a baby and she really struggled until she met my step father.
I'm so lost, do I have an abortion or do I stick to my guns? :(

He can't force you to do anything, but then neither can you. If he doesn't want to be fully involved or involved at all, that's his decision and you will have to face being a single parent. You are very young. Having children so young ultimately change everything. I was a young mum and although I obviously dint regret my children, I regret the life I could of had

In my opinion, young mums don't make the best mums, I've been both, and seen many. At 20 you're not equipped financially or physcologically to cope with the constant demands of parenting. Your only 4 weeks, you've got a bit if time to consider wether this is actually the direction you want your life to go in.

I think that that is unfair. You wouldn't say to a woman with an unwanted pregnancy "well, yes, your partner had had a vasectomy, but you should have taken responsibility and been on the pill".

While OP has every right to continue the pregnancy, she cannot force this man into an active parenting role.

children are hard and expensive work. My 4 year old costs me about £150 a week not including childcare. my day consists of waking up at 6am by a screaming toddler, Bedwetting, food being dropped constantly, juice being dropped, constant cleaning then more screaming and crying, lots of pooping, constant changing of clothes. We get some days out but its filled with tantrums and trying to save his life over and over because apparently danger doesn't exist.
Take him to school for 8.30, pick him up again at 3. Hes sick constantly because eww school germs, Yay more sleepless nights of puke and poop and bedwetting. I have a good job, but no money because I just had to spend £100 on his school uniform and every day out costs me £30 minimum. Good luck at bedtime! Screaming because he doesnt want bath, finally get to sleep after crying and asking to sleep in my bed, now 8.30 pm and im shattered. end up just sleeping because im so exhausted. Also lonely life, friends hard to make and my whole day revolves around a toddler.

I Love him so much. But if id have known beforehand what having a child was actually going to be like, i may have made some different decisions.

20 is too young in my opinion BUT its your choice, be prepared to be a single mum though or to have him flounce in and out as he pleases whilst being the Disney dad and paying minimal contribution.

Who said anything about forcing him into n active parenting role @Loopyloopy?

Vasectomy is neither here nor there. If you had a newish boyfriend and he told you he'd had a vasectomy, you'd be insane to not use any contraception.

If you have PIV sex and you don't want children, take responsibility for your own contraception

The pill with perfect use is 99% effective. So, even in a perfect use scenario (which in real life is rare), he was taking a 1% chance of having a baby. With real-life use of the pill, the chance is higher. So yes, if a man really feels strongly that he doesn't want a baby, then he absolutely should take the responsibility to wear a condom.

The vasectomy example doesn't make much sense, because if a woman feels strongly that she doesn't want a baby then she has an advantage that a man doesn't have, which is getting an abortion.

Besides, if I knew a woman who was very firmly against having children and against having an abortion, then I would advise her that she would be sensible to employ another form of birth control on top of the vasectomy, yes.

Yes, I was just pointing out that if you have had 2 pregnancies by age 20 (although tbh It is not specified if the the one at 17 was planned) then maybe that contraception isn’t working very well for you? Hardly controversial- lots of women change and experiment to find the contraception that works best for them.
Although, since the antibiotics thing apparently wasn’t flagged up, it might be more advisable to change GP’s.

Rightly or wrongly, "double contraception" is not standard advice. And frankly, men just don't have many options for contraception. It's vasectomy or condoms. I understand why many men don't like condoms. I'm female, but I can't stand them.

Please don't start talking about abstinence. Advocating abstinence is not an effective form of birth control.

I think that this man is entitled to not want this pregnancy. (He is not, of course, entitled to any decision OP makes about her body). Not insisting on condoms in addition to the pill does not make him not entitled to not want this pregnancy.

It's your body and your choice. If you are ready to have a baby and have support from family, friends etc then go for it. I do think it's unfair to expect him to be positive about it. He thought you were on contraception and were protected from pregnancy and also the fact that you were on it would also make him think that you didn't want to have a child right now either.

And OP, is it really fair to a prospective human (there is no baby at the moment, just a very small cluster of cells) to saddle it with such ill-prepared parents?

How will you support a household? Pay for childcare? Manage any illness that comes along? Continue your education? Manage transportation? What about raising a human when its father isn't in the picture?

It's a very labour-intensive, costly and difficult endeavor, not a lark. Especially young, skint and solo.

Abortion is not a tragedy. Very few fertilized eggs ever result in a human being.

If they agreed that the pill was their form of contraception, i agree there is no reason to blame him.

@Loopyloopy but no one's saying that he can't be unhappy about it, we're saying he can't pressure his girlfriend into having an abortion that she doesn't want

In your position I would have a termination. You are 20, your life just beginning and having a child will alter the whole course of it from education, jobs to travel. Sure some people do well but the odds will be very much staked against you unless you have a massively supportive family. Even meeting a life partner in the future, having a child will even affect your choices there. I know for instance at 25 I wouldn't have gone out with someone with children. I am saying this as someone who had a child young but I was educated, had a partner and a v v supportive family. I still feel like I missed out though of that carefree time of having money but also having no responsibilities

OP clearly said

'However I am absolutely certain that I want to keep this baby'

So surely all anyone should be saying is to stuff the boyfriend and keep the baby....he decided to take the risk to become a dad when he didn't use his own protection.If he isn't involved with the baby then it's his loss, but is no reason for OP to not to be a mum.

People with zero life experience are always the one vastly overstating how hard it is.

Having a supportive family is imperative. That is the most important thing and I wouldn't continue if I didn't have that.

But otherwise, it can still work. If you have family support you can still work, study, socialise, go on holiday, even being single.

If your family aren't around, and things won't work out, remember there's always time. But if you keep, you can make it work, too. There are many provisions for upping parents especially if you study or train.

She also says “I really don’t want to be a single mother”. Since it seems that sadly, both of those things can’t both come to be, people are just trying to point out the practicalities and realities moving forward. Maybe you’d prefer people to tell her its all going to be rainbows and unicorns and once the baby is born he’ll change his mind? He might, but he probably won’t, so its best to think things through really hard first.

I would be encouraging any single (because you will be) 20 year olds to have an abortion. Thread upon thread is posted on her about regrets and how tough it is with no support. But its too late then.

@MissyCooperismyShero there's threads on here about women who have regretted abortion. A few hard months/couple of years for a lifetime of guilt?

OP, it might seem daunting at first but it gets better. I had my first at 27 and I saw girls who were a lot younger than me better at it than me.

@Beefcurtains79 I haven't mentioned him at all. I'm saying yeah it's okay to say go abort life won't be hard anymore but is it really? Op wants this baby and I know from the other side mental health can suffer, it's hard to function thinking about what could have been...dreaming about baby being in heaven etc...

I agree. The current pregnancy is not "a baby," not even close. Millions of fertilized eggs are aborted each month, either medically or via miscarriage. That's what our bodies are designed to do. And it's OK if our minds make the same decision. It's not a tragedy or sin. If every fertilized egg grew into a human being we would have gone extinct centuries ago.

At 20 one has plenty of time ahead to educate oneself, establish a stable career, save money, find an enthusiastic partner and prudently prepare for raising a family if that is what is desired. That is much more loving toward any potential offspring than to produce one in an emergency situation with no partner, little money and sporadic support from friends and family.

Great points.

It could be a lonely life ahead.

Better an adult live with regrets than another child be born into suffering.

Noone has talked about what will be best for the baby. You can't force your boyfriend to stay with you and parent the baby, so take him out of the equation. Of course plenty of 20 yr olds and younger make fantastic mums, but having a child is hard work if you have no support system and no money. My parents had me when they were your age and they've done fantastically well, but they were married and their families helped them with everything, and even then my dad had to work two jobs.

So, the questions I'd be asking myself are, can I support this child and give it a good life? Or would it be better to wait until I was older and was in a stable relationship?

And not everyone regrets having an abortion. I had one in my twenties and was depressed afterwards and my relationship broke down, but now that I'm older and married with a kid, I'm so glad that I made the decision not to go ahead with the pregnancy. I had a chance to have a fantastic career, travel, buy a lovely house, and meet my wonderful husband. And not to mention a lovely son that I would never have had.

I'm shocked at the negativity towards younger mothers. My DD was 18 and at school when she got pregnant. She carried on, did A levels, went to university and now has a high powered job and a string of post graduate qualifications.

Her DD turned out to be disabled and very challenging and she still did it all by herself. She got housed, found a childminder and went off to university every day.

OP says she wants to keep the baby and she's two years older than my DD was. Termination was never considered by my DD. It's entirely possible to be an excellent single parent, have a great career and be young. Our bodies are designed to carry babies young, otherwise puberty wouldn't start for many more years. DD had an easy labour as she was young and fit, and it wasn't the birth that caused her DD to be disabled.

OP, you sound very sensible. You know you don't want another loss. If my DD can do it, so can you. Best of luck.

Our bodies are designed to carry babies young, otherwise puberty wouldn't start for many more years.

That doesn't mean that people should be parents young just because puberty kicks in.
OP you have to think seriously about whether or not you can be a single parent. It's bloody hard work. You need to consider it and then make your choice. He doesn't get to decide whether or not you keep the pregnancy, but he does get to decide how much he wants to be involved, if at all. And you need to think if you can do it alone, both financially and emotionally.