Boyfriend wants me to have an abortion

[cara222]

Hi! I have never used this form so I'm not sure what I'm expecting! I suppose just some advice from other ladies that have been through a similar situation.

My boyfriend and I are both 20, we haven't been together for very long although we have known eachother since childhood.
I have fallen pregnant, I hadn't realised that antibiotics would interfere with my birth control.
I know I'm not very far along, probably around 4 weeks.
However I am absolutely certain that I want to keep this baby, I have suffered pregnancy loss before when I was 17.
I told my bf, I wasn't expecting him to be excited but he basically begged me to have an abortion, I told him i would think about it.
I really don't want to force him into doing something he doesn't want to do, I really don't want to be a single mother. My own father passed away when I was just a baby and she really struggled until she met my step father.
I'm so lost, do I have an abortion or do I stick to my guns? :(

Hey @cara222, your boyfriend absolutely cannot force you to have an abortion! It is your body.

Have you got anyone that you can confide in and that would support you? Or a sexual health clinic might be a good option, as they will support you with your decision.

Hope that you're okay, early pregnancy is hard enough without this extra pressure. X

Forget about your boyfriend and work out how you would both feel about and cope with potentially being a single parent to a newborn. Do you have family support? A place to live? Income? Children are extremely hard work from the minute they are born. It’s often exhausting and relentless. If the answer to those questions is no it will be a million times tougher. Your boyfriend is somewhat of a passenger in this really - he might change his mind, but I suspect he won’t. Having a baby is not on many 20 year olds wish lists, probably for good reason. If he doesn’t change his mind, can you see the relationship progressing when your wishes are diametrically opposed?

Of course you should keep the baby if that is what you want - if he didn't want a baby, he should have been using condoms, as that is his opportunity to control his own fertility. I understand why he is upset, but the decision from here on out is yours alone.

You will be a single parent. How do you feel about that? How are you placed for raising a baby by yourself? Will it impact work or school?

If you want the baby , have it. Definitely don’t be pressured into having an abortion. Be prepared to be a single parent from here on out.

Personally I wouldn’t would to commit to someone else for the rest of my life by having a child they very much do not want and said child having an flakey/absent parent.

If you have all the support you need to do this as a single person, financially, emotionally and physically then I wish you the best. The first few weeks of pregnancy can be incredibly hard so take it easy on yourself

Of course you can't be forced to have an abortion if you don't want to. But you need to think about the practicalities of having and supporting a baby at your young age.

OP, with all kindness, I feel from your post that you are very much still grieving from the loss of your first baby. That must have been very difficult for you.

This pregnancy will not compensate for that loss, and you may benefit from talking through your feelings with someone.

Do you have a network to support you with a new baby, as PP said, they are hard work.

Your boyfriend has made his opinion clear, he doesn’t want this baby. He’s entitled to do that. However it’s ultimately your choice. But if you choose to go ahead you also have to accept that it may well be as a single mother. You really need to think about how you’ll do this on your own. Just in case..

You do what feels right for you and no one else. I was 22 when I got pregnant, my bf was the same way, he did come round to the idea eventually and we did stay together for 18 years then divorced.
I knew though I wanted to go ahead regardless of him staying with me, I had other family support so I was fortunate.

I've also gone through with an abortion later in life, the thought of going through with it gave me such anxiety, so I knew that was the best option for me.

Please do what you want to do.

If you abort and regret doing so you will have to cope with grief.
It you are going ahead with the abortion then the sooner is better.

Ii suggest getting some specialist counselling to help you be clearer. I found it a very tough decision.

No one including your boyfriend can make you have an abortion but no one including you can make your boyfriend “stand by you”. Yes he would have to pay CMS but I’m guessing he might not earn a lot at age 20? It might work out between the two of you, but you must make the decision about continuing your pregnancy on the basis that you might be a single parent. It’s totally doable I was a single parent myself at 26 but it is hard.

Please don’t listen to what ANYONE else says. You are the only person who has to live with whatever decision you make.
Can you get in touch with a counsellor? I once considered an abortion and got counselling as part of the lead up- it was so so valuable.

Whatever you do, make your own decision- however hard it is.
Best of luck op

No one can force you to have an abortion it's not fair on you. People should be supporting you at such a vulnerable time. The guilt from after abortion is real. The depression is bad. I wish I could turn back time.

You need to do what is right for you, OP. Your DP can't force you to do anything but you should be mindful that if you choose to keep it you could potentially be faced with raising it alone so you should spend some time working out how you feel about that and how it would work in reality.

You're still young and it sounds like you've been through a lot already. Take some time, it's still early days.

20 is young and most people haven’t got the material means to provide for a baby, can you actually do it and give it everything it needs? Also, you should maybe think about maybe changing up your birth control if this is your second surprise pregnancy in 3 years.

@Beefcurtains79 she said she wants to keep the baby.

I know loads of people who've had a baby when they were 20 and they've been okay.

If they have the support system and the finances in place, which is why I was enquiring if she did?

She said she didn't know antibiotics interfere with the pill, to be fair neither do a lot of people. Besides which no birth control is 100%, given she was on birth control she was clearly trying to make sensible choices.

@Beefcurtains79 you adjust.

Unless the antibiotics caused diarrhoea and/or vomiting there’s actually only very few that interfere with oral contraceptives.

They’re known as Enzyme-inducing drugs and they’re not limited to just antibiotics - lots of anti-epileptics are enzyme-inducers too, the enzyme inducing antibiotics are Rifampicin and Rifabutin - but even they are used very, very rarely - mostly to treat Tuberculosis. Anyone being prescribed an enzyme-inducer whilst taking hormonal contraception should be counselled by the prescriber on the reduced efficacy of the contraceptive.

Not calling the OP out, just saying it’s worth a general reminder that we all need to be very, very careful when taking hormonal contraception and dealing with any diarrhoea or vomiting (most likely what’s happened to the OP). Advice about mitigating the pregnancy risk when dealing with common antibiotic side effects such as diarrhoea or vomiting can be found here; www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/pill-sick-vomit-diarrhoea/

OP, if you were taking Rifampicin or Rifabutin for TB, you probably need to discuss this with a HCP as it could have implications for your pregnancy, particularly if you need to continue taking the antibiotic to treat the TB infection.

You don't want to be a single mother but that's what probably going to happen. Do you want this baby more than you don't want to be a single mother? That's your decision.

I had DD at 19 & I’m a single mother. I’m not going to lie, it’s hard work and very tiring. But you don’t need to be told that. Everyone knows that. Obviously being a single mum is tiring.

It takes 2 people to make a baby, and yet the responsibility always falls on one of them. He could have used a condom if he wanted to be really sure. My pill failed. I didn’t know I was pg til I was past the abortion cutoff point… and you know what, I’m glad. I love my daughter and my life, however hard, would not be complete without her.

If you want this baby, you will find a way to make it work no matter how hard it is. Check out turn2us & citizensadvice for advice on benefits, and gingerbread is a single parents charity that I found very supportive in the early days.

If your boyfriend was so adamant that he didn't want a baby, he should have worn a condom.

You must make the decision that is right for you ❤️

A close friend's mum had her at 19 and has been a single mum until my friend was in her late teens. At the time, she didn't have any sort of a career ahead of her. My friend thinks the absolute world of her mum, she really is an amazing person and mother, and she has now got a very successful business that you'd probably recognise the name of if I told you it! Equally I know terrible parents who had their babies very late in life.

You define the type of parent you will be. I'm not going to sugar coat it and say it will be easy, because not many people find it easy at any age. I don't think that the fact that it will be hard is a good reason to abort a pregnancy that you want to keep. Your boyfriend's wishes certainly aren't a good reason, either.

I certainly think you should seek counselling for your previous loss, so you can level-headedly make a decision that is best for you ❤️

I don’t think it’s fair to say that her boyfriend should have worn a condom if he didn’t want a baby, OP was on the pill, so as far as he knew they were using contraception, contraception that if taken correctly is extremely reliable, it’s not his fault she wasn’t aware that antibiotics can prevent the pill from working.

If OP doesn’t want to abort she has every right not to, but he has every right to not be happy or want to become a parent at 20 years old, so she needs to be prepared to raise this child as a single mum if she decides to continue with the pregnancy. He has a duty to pay maintenance, but he can’t be forced into parenting a child he doesn’t want.

I would flag the massive failing of your GPs not checking if you erred incompatible with the medication.

I would look at your life, finances as a single person and support system.

Can you give this child a good foundation?

Of course it's fair. If men don't want babies, they have to take responsibility for contraception