I need advice. Unplanned pregnancy father wants an abortion.

[Mildred01]

Hello all,

Sorry if this is in the wrong place but I am finding it terribly hard to make a decision. I have an unplanned pregnancy whilst using contraception and the father wants me to get an abortion. He says he will have absolutely nothing to do with me and the child. He’s barely supporting me through this and says it’s my body I should go to the clinic on my own. I am very surprised because up until now we’ve had a great relationship, it has been over 6 years admittedly on and off.

My background, I earn just under 2k a month and I still live at home, part of that money goes into rent at home and also supporting the household and my parents as I also care for them. Now bringing a baby into the mix just doesn’t seem doable, I can barely support myself let alone a baby and plus I don’t even know what I would do when it comes to going back to work/ childcare etc this helps me make my decision and say I should have an abortion. Sorry also want to add I am 34 years old so not a great role model for a parent or adult am I?

In my previous relationship before this guy, I had 5 chemical pregnancies and 4 early miscarriages and have been told I would need assistance in getting pregnant and keeping a pregnancy. Factoring this and my age is making it hard for me to get rid of the baby as it may be my only chance but again I think it would be unfair to bring a child into this world knowing the father doesn’t want them and I can barely support myself let alone them. Also my parents don’t even know about this man and I think they would disapprove due to different cultural/ religious backgrounds. I don’t want to disappoint them having a child with a father who doesn’t even want to know.

Sometimes I’m set on an abortion as I think it’s the right thing to do financially and also for my family and the child but then I think what if I never have this chance again? Im so confused. I haven’t spoken to any of my friends because they all have children and I know they would judge me if I even mentioned abortion. Calling for support and advice. I’ve been crying none stop. Please be kind x

Hi OP, I wonder if you got this moved to relationships if you might get more advice?

Honestly at 34 with previous pregnancy difficulties I would not be aborting a baby I wanted. Others may disagree but that's what I think. I don't see why you're not a good role model or possible good parent - you're already helping to support, and caring for, two other people! Don't be down on yourself.

Plenty of women raise their kids alone, some choose to go that way from the beginning, and many of them do a fantastic job. I don't think you should let this guy's attitude stop you if you want the baby, but I do think you should take him at his word and keep him out of the picture as he's asked, to give him zero chance of messing you and the baby around. He sounds not very nice.

You should not at all be judged for mentioning abortion and if it's what you actually want to do in the long run it's what you should do, but it's not the only option.You do also need to think about what YOU want, as well as of the child and your family. I wouldn't worry too much about disappointing your parents. It sounds like you do a lot for them. Do you have a good relationship with them? Are you worried that raising a child in the same house with them would be difficult? Is there a possibility of your living situation changing?

Hard to say re money and childcare without knowing your situation but these are not necessarily insurmountable obstacles though of course they need consideration.

Others with better advice will be along hopefully but I just wanted to offer some support.

You sound a bit uncertain. Only you can decide but don’t go ahead with it if your not 10000000% sure because you will regret it and once the process has started there is no going back and you have to carry it out. I’m a little younger than you and I have children and I’m pregnant. I do manage very well and as you say this could be your only chance to have a child. I always say everything happens for a reason.

Hi gelasia, thanks so much for your reply. I was hoping to be strong but you sound so encouraging it’s made me cry! I honestly don’t know what to do.

I think my parents would be very disappointed in me because the father has abandoned me in this situation and I would be so embarrassed to tell them. The father and I also share different religions and it’s something my parents would find hard to accept too.

When I think about my living situation, I’m not financially stable as we all support each other in this house and I don’t know how I can factor a baby into it. The fact I don’t even make £2000 a month makes me think it won’t work, we’re already struggling and just making by and I’m a huge help towards that.

I also think it’s unfair to have the child knowing the dad doesn’t want it. He has a great life and is doing well and I don’t want him living with this in the back of his mind. When I think about him I find it’s the right thing to do but when I think about the fact there is a baby inside me I struggle but I’m also just not financially stable. My car has been a pain and I’ve had repairs every month since January and I’ve been struggling with bills and that’s just because of car repairs!

I’m so scared to make the wrong choice and I don’t know how to make any decision with this. I’m sorry I feel like I’m ranting but I just need to share my pain, the dad is barely speaking to me and just expects me to deal with this not really understanding how I’m finding it difficult with this inside me.

I have asked to move this to relationships as you advised and just wanted to say thank you so much for offering some support. You have no idea how much it’s helped to speak to someone. Thank you x

I am really unsure. One minute I’m set on a decision and then the next I have doubts and like you’ve said everything happens for a reason and that’s when I start to reconsider. But I also think I’m not financially able to do this on my own. I don’t have a career so I don’t even know what kind of work I would go back to and my head is just spinning! Honestly I’m so sad, scared and tired by this I’ve been in bed for the past 3 days wishing it would all go away. I also feel like I’m running out of time and need to decide soon. Thanks for sharing some advice.

You need to arrange some counselling to talk this through properly. If I was you I would abort for several reasons, but that’s completely irrelevant.

I do think that if you have some counselling and think you do want to keep it it would be a good idea to speak to your family to understand what, if any, support they can provide and what it means for everyone’s living situation.

34 is not last chance saloon.

Personally I'd be inclined to have a baby at 34 man or no man. Not sure how far along you are but I wouldn't be having a termination. Nobody can imagine themselves as a parent before it happens but once they are here you never look back.
It's normal to be unsure.

I think you could really benefit from counselling - try your GP and see if the local abortion clinic offers it.

For what it's worth it seems from your posts that the abortion would seem to be for other people. I'm as pro-choice/pro-abortion as it is possible to be, but always from the woman's perspective. It is your body, your life, your right to decide.

First things first. Do YOU want to keep this baby? Because if you do, and from your post it sounds as though you do, then that’s the first decision made.
Next - tell your ‘boyfriend’ - if he chooses not to accept your decision then the relationship is over, that’s hard but ultimately - is he actually ‘the one?’
Next - inform your parents of your pregnancy, be matter of fact but firm. It doesn’t matter how old you are, we always seek our parents approval but at the end of the day we have to do what’s right for us - not our parents.
As for the practical side, have a look at ‘entitled to’ website to see what help you might be able to get financially. Don’t be proud - buy second hand, babies don’t need all the fancy trimmings - just the basics and love.

If you decide to terminate the pregnancy then be kind to yourself, seek some counselling and think about long term if this relationship is right for you.

I wish you luck making this decision

OP, in terms of your financial situation, what do you do for your parents? Why do they need care? Do they have income or are you supporting all 3 of you? How are the bills and household outgoings split?

Never mind your p and how he's feeling. He's being ridiculously selfish.

How do YOU feel about this baby? Deep down? If you have had trouble getting pg before, this could be your last chance. 💐

It sounds like you are giving a lot of support but getting very little back yourself and I'm sorry for that. Why are you having to support your parents and have so much financial responsibility in their house?

Only you can decide what to do about the baby, what you really want and maybe you could try to separate out the practical issues from the emotional. Is there anyone outside the situation you can talk it through with, either a friend or a professional? It sounds as if your partner has show his true colours and I think you need to factor out any support from him (other than financial if you have the baby, you must go for that) To be honest OP, he doesn't sound worth knowing.

If you do go ahead with the pregnancy, I wouldn't worry too much about the baby "not having a father". I was VERY much not wanted by mine, to the point of complete denial that he had anything to do with it, at a time when there was still huge social stigma. I've met him once in my life, for 15 minutes, where he continued the denials. I've done fine.

for you and take care of yourself, whatever you decide.

@CPL593H my parents are in ill health hence why I am supporting financially. I also arrange medicine prescriptions, doctors appointments, home visits and so on.

I haven’t talked to any of my friends because they all have children and are completely against abortions - I know this from previous conversations and honestly I don’t want to hear that they wouldn’t change having their children for the world and best thing in my life stuff. I know all true and lovely but in my state it’s not what I want to hear.

I’m going to try and talk to a professional tomorrow as advised by others because this is getting harder as each day goes by. Thank you for your advice x

@springtimeishereagain there is no partner we are over and it’s all on me. Honestly, if he said he would be involved I would keep it. I want the child to know its fathers history and family background and so on and not being able to give that matters a lot to me. Yesterday I was set on terminating as bills wise, work, parents, not having my own home and so on doesn’t seem doable but then today I see lots of pics of babies and wonderful single mummies and I think I can do it. I’m trying by best not to overthink things.

OP, you say you and your partner have different religions. Is this one of these situations where he never would have married you as he has to marry within that religion? In that case, it might explain his attitude to the pregnancy. So, you would need to be prepared to do it alone. But at 34, with previous difficulties, I would keep it and figure it out from there. Good luck

@Moancup thank you so much for your honesty. I’m going to try and arrange some counselling tomorrow as ideally if I terminate I want it done asap.

What would be your reasons for terminating if you were me? My main factor is being on such little income and just my life and living situation in general.

Sorry about the predicament you have found yourself in,
It's not going to be easy to be a single mum but there are thousands in similar situations and I know some brilliant single mums!
From the sounds of it, I feel like you'll regret not keeping this baby..
Just don't rush into any decision and I think speaking to a professional about it, is a very good idea.
Hoping for the best outcome for you

If it is money the thing that worries you the most, check how much support you could get at entitledto.co.uk. I have raised a child alone with far less than what you earn (although admittedly, working long hours as well). Your parents may be disappointed, they may resent your choices but they may warm up to the baby and be great help once they shock wears off. Mine got a second lease of life when grandchildren got into the mix.

Having said that, a child is not only a “baby”, they are a life time of hard work, responsibility, sacrifice, expenses, etc. They do change your life forever, so I would say… forget about what your parents want or the dad wants, just decide what YOU want, because it is all on you, but do not be scared, whatever you decide, you will find a way to cope. Honest.

I would remove him from this scenario and decision making- you’ve wasted enough years. That being said if you keep the child he has financial responsibility that he doesn’t get to opt out of.
Good luck with whatever you decide OP

When you live with your parents it is awkward because you are still in 'child' mode even though you aren't a child. Their approval does not matter. They may warm to having a grandchild, they may not but it isn't what you should form your decision on. The logistics of helping them can be done from afar, you do not have to be their carer. If you were able to move out you would be eligible for financial support, you maybe eligible already. If they are in ill-health then in a few years they may no longer be around leaving you alone and possibly regretting and resenting what might have been.

DDs dad wanted me to have an abortion, we were at uni albeit I was 22. After I had her he changed his mind, he financially supports her through the CMS and sees her a couple of times a week, now she doesn't really see him as a parent but more of an Uncle type but they have a relationship. You ex doesn't get the option of financially opting out, you can go through the CMS and set up finances it's complicated if he is self employed but otherwise doable.

Life as a single parent was tough to start with, I've retrained, DD has been an absolute dream although sleepless nights were hard. She's in her teens now, well behaved, top of the class, she's smart and kind and caring. Child from single parents don't equal nightmare children, if anything if you start off single the consistency does them good.

You sound like your head wants an abortion for practical reasons but your heart doesn't. You need to live your life for you, not your parents or your Ex. If you want an abortion have one sooner rather than later, but if you don't, don't do it for other people.

OP re your last message, your income and living situation are not static.

Babies need very little for the first few years, yes it's nice to buy things all new but there are tonnes of baby things (almost new) being sold on ebay or local sites and it's better for the environment too. Babies and toddlers don't need their own room, in fact most would prefer to sleep with you until they are about 5 if given half the chance

In 5 years time your situation is likely to be different to the one you are in today. The child will have started school, you may have been promoted, have a higher income. You may have moved out and gotten your own place.

Remember that ex will still have to pay child support . It’s easy to avoid it of you work for your own company / self employed / famIly business.

Harder if you have a salaried job.

[quote Mildred01]@Moancup thank you so much for your honesty. I’m going to try and arrange some counselling tomorrow as ideally if I terminate I want it done asap.

What would be your reasons for terminating if you were me? My main factor is being on such little income and just my life and living situation in general.[/quote]
My reasons for terminating reflect my priorities and I have made choices about when and how I have children (including terminating a past unplanned pregnancy) that I’m sure lots of people would feel is leaving it too late or worrying too much about finances.

I would want to be more secure financially and to be living independently. I’d want to know how I could balance childcare costs and work. Crucially I wouldn’t want to have a child with a reluctant/absent father, but this is a deeply personal choice. I’d also be concerned at not necessarily having involved grandparents on his side if my parents were limited by health or emotional capacity (the latter is highly specific to me, but is one reason why I love my in-laws).

I think you need to remove everyone and everything from this decision. The people around you don’t count when it comes to making this decision. This is about what you want
So what if the father thinks you should have an abortion otherwise he will dump you.
The fact he is even considering dumping you suggests he isn’t that into you and will probably dump you anyway.

So what if your parents will be disappointed. It’s disappointing that they can’t look after themselves and need your help.

I wonder if when you say you can’t look after yourself this is more about what you have been conditioned to believe and not the reality because you can’t say in one breath you help look after the family then in the next say you can barely look after yourself.

Have you ever tried just looking after yourself?
I had to get away from my own family who would tell me daily I couldn’t look after myself (even when I was looking after my self) It was a mantra that would have curtailed my life with if I had stayed.

It wouldn’t matter if you were earning £2 per month or £2000 per month. This is the U.K. There is help with all sorts of things from housing to childcare.

At 34 with a history of fertility issues there is no way I would even be considering an abortion.
Dump the father and get a life of your own with your child.

Whilst it is great if women didn’t have a timer on their fertility and having a baby in your circumstances is not the ideal of getting married, buying a house, saving for a family and then getting pregnant.
That for many people never happens.

You have to deal with the reality that at 34 with your history you are not in a position to hang around making plans for the future.

Life has thrown you a baby, you either pick that baby up and go with it or you return to the status quo which you don’t sound very happy with and hope that there will be another bf, who will become a Dh and then you will get a house and have more income and then when you have done everything the ideal way…. You will probably have run out of time.

I have a lot of single parent friends and whilst it is very hard and in the beginning it was incredibly hard. Especially because everything is their decision. Ultimately the thing that they all say is the best bit about being a single parent is that everything is their decision.

Whilst everyone around you had an opinion it is you who is going to have to live with the consequences. Your parents have had a child, your bf could have children right up to the day he dies
As a woman you don’t have that luxury.

You can't live your life for your parents. You are entitled to mske choices for yourself at your age. Don't put your own needs and wants st the very bottom of your list of priorities.