I need advice. Unplanned pregnancy father wants an abortion.

[Mildred01]

Hello all,

Sorry if this is in the wrong place but I am finding it terribly hard to make a decision. I have an unplanned pregnancy whilst using contraception and the father wants me to get an abortion. He says he will have absolutely nothing to do with me and the child. He’s barely supporting me through this and says it’s my body I should go to the clinic on my own. I am very surprised because up until now we’ve had a great relationship, it has been over 6 years admittedly on and off.

My background, I earn just under 2k a month and I still live at home, part of that money goes into rent at home and also supporting the household and my parents as I also care for them. Now bringing a baby into the mix just doesn’t seem doable, I can barely support myself let alone a baby and plus I don’t even know what I would do when it comes to going back to work/ childcare etc this helps me make my decision and say I should have an abortion. Sorry also want to add I am 34 years old so not a great role model for a parent or adult am I?

In my previous relationship before this guy, I had 5 chemical pregnancies and 4 early miscarriages and have been told I would need assistance in getting pregnant and keeping a pregnancy. Factoring this and my age is making it hard for me to get rid of the baby as it may be my only chance but again I think it would be unfair to bring a child into this world knowing the father doesn’t want them and I can barely support myself let alone them. Also my parents don’t even know about this man and I think they would disapprove due to different cultural/ religious backgrounds. I don’t want to disappoint them having a child with a father who doesn’t even want to know.

Sometimes I’m set on an abortion as I think it’s the right thing to do financially and also for my family and the child but then I think what if I never have this chance again? Im so confused. I haven’t spoken to any of my friends because they all have children and I know they would judge me if I even mentioned abortion. Calling for support and advice. I’ve been crying none stop. Please be kind x

Excellent post @Kennykenkencat

Fuck him. He's opinion is not relevant seen as he's acting such a dick. Finances adapt you adapt. Women all over the world bring babies up completely on their own and work and have successful lives, I am one of them. Things always work out

You will be entitled to assistance and he does have to help out financially regardless of his opinions.

I also think it’s unfair to have the child knowing the dad doesn’t want it. He has a great life and is doing well and I don’t want him living with this in the back of his mind. When I think about him I find it’s the right thing to do but when I think about the fact there is a baby inside me I struggle

Whatever you do, don't base your decision on guilt about him. He has shown he doesn't care about how you feel, don't waste your concern on him. He wouldn't even support you in taking the action he wants (termination) and he certainly doesn't seem interested in what you actually want.

You do know who the father is, and have known him for six years, so there is probably a lot you would be able to tell your child about his/her background if you wanted to do that. You say I think it would be unfair to bring a child into this world knowing the father doesn’t want them - but if YOU want them, doesn't that count too? For me, I think that would be enough. You say you don't want to disappoint your parents - but what about your disappointment? Will you feel more disappointed if you don't have the baby, or if you have it under the current circumstances? That's a real question not a leading one -I'm really not trying to influence you one way or another here - you should do what you want. But I don't think you should talk yourself into thinking you're incapable of doing this, or that other people's reasons you "shouldn't" matter more than you wanting your child (if you do.)

You don't need to seek permission from anyone and you shouldn't feel you're not enough, whichever decision you make.

Is there a possibility of your parents being able to receive professional care and you having your own place? I ask this as it seems like their opinions weigh very strongly with you and whilst I think it's awesome you've helped them so much, it seems (to me) that you're giving them more headspace in this decision than maybe you should. What would you want if they and your ex were taken out of the equation. Because even if you feel you can't stop living with them, you're now 34, they need to accept you have your own decisions to make.

Have you looked at entitled.co.uk or similar to see what help could be available to you? My information is out of date on this so I can't be much help but others may know.

Babies don't need to cost much at first as others have said. Do you mind if I ask what field of work you're in? you may be able to change/ progress by the time they're older. I'm not pretending it's easy but many, many women do it.

I hope you're doing okay.

Just wanted to say thank you for everybody’s advice. I only sort of read everything once and then cry, then muster up the courage to reply. I thought telling strangers would help me to get things off my chest and see things clearer but everyone is so kind and supportive I just feel sad and even more unsure!

I have taken advice and called the gp this morning. He gave me a helpline number which I have been hold on for the past 40 minutes so hopefully I’ll get though and be able to talk it through with someone.

Thanks for the update OP - hope you were successful in getting through to someone.

BTW when I was born neither of my parents was able to look after me and I was placed for adoption. It wasn’t ideal but i still don't wish that I hadn’t been born. I’ve had a good and happy life and I have three wonderful children.

There’s no perfect time to have a baby.

It's fine if you want to have a baby now, or in a few years, or not at all. Consider the practical changes you want to make (e.g. house, job) before you have a baby, and whether you can make them in the next few months.

At 34 if I wanted a baby I wouldn't have an abortion without a solid plan for trying again in the not-too-distant future.

Whatever you decide, good luck

@M0RVEN thanks for sharing your story and am glad you’ve had a healthy, happy life. You’re right there is no right time to have a baby I guess I’m just finding it hard not to think of the negatives. X

Just to add insult to injury we found out yesterday he has a 1 1/2 year old and the mother has just told him now. So he’s really wanting me to terminate the pregnancy. I’ve booked an appointment to speak to someone and possibly go ahead with the abortion but this was before we knew.

Now all I can think about is is other child and pathetically it makes me feel sad and jealous that she went ahead and had his child but i may not. I know it sounds incredibly childish and that is not a reason to keep the pregnancy but I can’t get it out of my head and it’s making me not want to have an abortion but again very pathetically, I don’t want to keep the child and have him unhappy about it.

This is a living nightmare.

Sorry am also aware that my post is selfish and petty as there are far more worse things going on in the world and people in much worse situations. I am just struggling and have no one to confide in.

It doesn't sound childish at all to feel that sadness.

I wish I could make you a and pat your arm a bit. Not too good at hugs.

forget about anybody else. What do you want?
Your body, your choice.

To me it seems inconceivable that you are worrying anymore about this man’s feelings because a relationship in which you would want the baby if he were supportive, but in which he wants nothing to do with any baby, is not viable.

If the baby is aborted, the solidity of the relationship is aborted.

Let me start by saying I am 100% pro-choice so if an abortion is what you truly want, then that is what you should do. However, there is lots of research that shows women who terminate when they don't really want to terminate are likely to suffer emotionally and mentally afterwards.

My advice, along with that of pp's and I see you are already doing it, is to get non-directive counselling. It is very important the counselling is non-directive and gives you the opportunity to explore your feelings and come to a decision that is right for you.

Ignore your ex. What he wants is irrelevant. He will have to pay maintenance if you decide to keep the child so that will increase your income. Ignore your parents' disappointment. They will more than likely get over that very quickly - my parents did when my sister got pregnant at 18.

The question is: what do you want? What is the best decision for you?

It sounds to me like you would regret an abortion but only you can decide that. I hope the counselling helps you make the right decision for you, whether it be to keep the baby or to terminate.

You've been with him 6 years, yet he has a 1.5 year old with someone else and you're still considering his feelings over your own. Please please think of what you want. Not him, not your parents.

I agree that counseling will help you make a decision. It is perfectly possible to raise a happy child as a single parent (I am). I think it is important for you to let go expectations that your ex will be a parent, and accept that his family and background will not figure in your child's life. If you are happy to go ahead on that basis you will be fine, but if you go into it with unrealistic expectations you will be another plaintive voice on Mumsnet, constantly disappointed and feeling let down by your ex's very predictable disinterest in supporting you.

Between your ex and your family you are losing your own voice. You really need to talk to someone who will allow you to find out what YOU want. I'm sure you love your parents, but you are so worried about what they will think/say to you. And yet you are there supporting them in every way. You say they are ill but are they really incapable? As an outsider it feels to me that they have convinced you you can't manage on your own because they want you there, supporting them. (They might not realise that that's what they are doing - they will tell themselves it's for your own good)
I know this baby is the only thing you are thinking about right now, but you need to find a way of getting your own place, whatever you decide. You absolutely can do it. You may need outside support to do it. Talk to your friends, let them support you.

Your reaction isn’t childish at all. It’s entirely natural.

Despite what I said above please put his feelings out of the picture when you make your decision. You need to think about what is right for you and a potential child. If you honestly think you can envision a happy and thriving you plus fatherless child up to 18 then it doesn’t matter one shiny shit if your pound shop Boris Johnson feels unhappy about it.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

I would remove him from this scenario and decision making- you’ve wasted enough years. That being said if you keep the child he has financial responsibility that he doesn’t get to opt out of. Good luck with whatever you decide OP

Unfortunately that is not completely true. Especially if he is not on the birth certificate. Which under the circumstances, I doubt he will be. It can be hard enough getting money out of a father who is on the birth certificate, never mind one that is not!

They financial obligation to contribute to the has nothing to do with whether someone is or isn’t on the birth certificate.

It's not petty, that's what these threads are for. Did you have any luck with the helpline? Will they refer you for counselling - I don't know how it works? I really think you need to see someone.
I think you should stop talking to the father for now. It already seems like it's really hard for you to let your feelings have validity and not have them crowded out by others' wants and needs, and given he has an agenda he will be really trying to push you one way. I hope you're looking after yourself and managing to rest/eat etc.

Unfortunately that is not completely true. Especially if he is not on the birth certificate. Which under the circumstances, I doubt he will be. It can be hard enough getting money out of a father who is on the birth certificate, never mind one that is not! legally he has to pay regardless, I didn’t say it was easy or the system of making feckless parents pay works well.

After this would you even want him to be involved or as an active role model to your child? Absolutely not, raise your bar higher.
There are so many who split and end up on their own with a child anyway. It's not unheard of. You need to put everything out of your mind - him, parents, money and living situation - as those things changes over time; but if you had a child that would not change.
Given your pregnancy history I'd not abort as if you want to be a mother at some time in your life, here it is. There are no crystal balls on what may or may not happen later. And aborting is no easy thing to get over.
Though if you really don't want children then it's not so a hard decision. Only you can make this decision, but talking it through with others helps