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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

Trapped and scared

52 replies

shypineapple · 23/03/2022 06:17

Hello I’m new here. Apologies if this is long but really need to get this off my chest. I have nowhere else to turn.
I know this won’t make me very popular and people will hate me, but I ask that you please read and at least try to understand. And please don’t judge me too harshly. I’ve had more than enough of that lately and I honestly can’t take any more…

I recently had a health scare and was admitted to hospital where I found out via blood test that I was pregnant. To say I was in shock is a complete understatement! I had absolutely no idea! No symptoms, no weight gain, still having periods… yes I am completely serious!
I didn’t believe it at first, hence the scan confirming I was actually approx 18w along!!!! I burst into tears.
It’s been a few days. I thought that if I gave myself some time/slept on it, I’d come to terms with it, but the truth is, I haven’t. It fills me with absolute dread and to be honest, I don’t want to go through with it…

I’m in my 30s. My husband and I are happily married; no issues at all. We have four children as it is - and the youngest started reception year of school last September. I finally have my dream career and it took me YEARS to finally get to this point; I had to work so hard and prove myself even more than most, as I suffer from C-PTSD and am on the autism spectrum. It took a lot for me to get where I am. Not only that, but I have had the worst couple of years of my life, and that’s saying something because unfortunately I have not had an easy life at all.
I am no longer involved with my biological parents (they abused me all my life. I was actually trapped with them until I was 21 and managed to get some help to leave). Up until I was in year 9 of secondary school, it was actually my grandparents who really raised me. I absolutely adored them so much, and unfortunately I have now lost them both; last Feb I lost my Grandad, and the same year in June, I lost my Grandma. It’s like losing actual parents. I also lost an Uncle that I was close to, around this time (late March) last year too!
And as if that wasn’t bad enough, I was also pregnant last year (we had been trying), and shortly after losing my Grandma, I lost our baby too. I just fell apart to be honest; four losses in the space of a few months just completely ripped me apart. I’m grieving and heartbroken, and I’ve barely been able to function ever since - emotionally, mentally or physically. I don’t even know how I’m still able to wake up in the mornings sometimes. I wish I didn’t.
Work have been surprisingly understanding and supportive, allowing me to work from home. I know working from home sounds like it’s restful, but it’s not. I am still very very busy, and sometimes I do still need to go into the studio anyway. I work full time hours.
Anyway, I have now found myself pregnant. I’m about 19 weeks now. I still don’t know how this happened as I’ve been so depressed from everything for so long, sex hasn’t exactly been top of my list for the past year! The few times we have done it, have always been protected. And I made it clear I wasn’t ready to try again so I had the implanon put in, back in early November. However, we must have conceived back in late November I believe? Even though I had the contraceptive implant then, and we used condoms. (Husband is definitely not the type to go poking holes in things!). Anyway, of course, he was with me in hospital when I was informed and he is happy. Over the moon, in fact, especially since he asked for the sex of the baby and was told.
But the truth is, that after everything, I just don’t want this baby. I’ve been called every name under the sun from “friends”, and his family are just all under the assumption that this is all going ahead, that I’m having this baby and that’s that!
I have felt nothing but dread, and then guilt, and sadness and grief. I just don’t feel ready for this after everything, AT ALL. I still have not got over losing my last baby, and yes I do see the “irony” here, so please don’t bring it up. It’s still very painful.
Also I was violently sexually assaulted and raped back in January of this year by a total stranger, even though I was completely sober (I’m teetotal anyway), and did everything “right” - tried to fight back, was actually out with my husband and a group of our friends at the time, was fully clothed obviously, and I reported it to police immediately etc.
Hubby has been so incredibly supportive with everything I’ve been through, which just makes me absolutely hate myself even more.
I haven’t stopped crying, I can’t eat properly, I’m severely severely depressed and traumatised, my physical health is bad as it is and as I already mentioned, we already have four children, whom I had awful pregnancies and traumatic births with already. I can’t go through it all again. I just can’t. This past year has been absolute hell for me. I’m already receiving therapy and counselling anyway for everything else. I’m also on antidepressants. I just do not want to go ahead with this, my body physically can’t take it again, and I mentally and emotionally can’t take it again.
I’m not at all religious so please don’t try to use religion on me. I’ve already had that guilt trip and verbal abuse from one now-former “friend” trying to shove it down my throat.
I feel absolutely trapped… hubby obviously wants this baby but I don’t. The guilt is eating me alive but so is everything else. No matter what I do, I don’t think our marriage will survive this? If I terminate, I’m terrified he will leave me and I already suffer abandonment trauma as it is. But if I’m forced to go ahead with this, I will resent him. I’m just not in any fit state mentally or physically to go through another pregnancy, birth and newborn baby phase. I literally can’t do it. I feel so trapped and frightened and guilty, and I’m so alone.
I really don’t want to be here any more…

I don’t know what I’m looking for really. Just to get it off my chest I suppose? Maybe someone who understands?
Just please don’t make me feel worse than I already do. I hate myself more than anything right now as it is.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

GrandRapids · 23/03/2022 06:32

I'm so sorry you're going through an unimaginably hard time. Have you spoken to your husband about termination? Yes it's very late, but you sound absolutely broken and should not feel that you have to go through with this pregnancy if you're certain it's not right.

Original poster

shypineapple · 23/03/2022 06:40

@GrandRapids

Thank you. Yes I have discussed it with him (or tried to!), but he seems to be under the impression that I will “get there in time”, and that I’m “just in shock”, and “it’ll hit me eventually, it’s just still very raw”. He doesn’t seem to get it at all. He’s so overjoyed to be having a son, he’s told everyone, pretty much, which has backed me into a corner even more! 😞 I feel so guilty and hate myself so much. I told him I don’t want to be here anymore and he’s been supportive with that, but still seems to think it’s a foregone conclusion that I’ll be having this baby, no matter how I feel. In every other way, he’s the perfect husband which just makes me feel even worse!! This would kill him. 😢 But I just can’t do this. I really honestly can’t.

OP posts:

vdbfamily · 23/03/2022 07:06

It sounds like you have had a horrendous year followed by a dreadful shock but I think you need to get some urgent counselling. For many people a 5 th baby would be unthinkable but this is something you were actively trying for a few months ago. Your head is currently in a very bad place but if you rush this decision and then regret it, you will also have that trauma to add to everything else.
This baby might be the positive thing that helps you recover. It will be a focus and demand that helps you out one foot in front of the other to move forward.
You reference previous difficult pregnancies and birth which is adding to your stressful thoughts but you are already halfway through this one without even noticing so it may be an easier one. Also, at this stage of pregnancy, you will actually have to labour and give birth anyway.
Is there a professional who is not family and not a friend who can genuinely listen to you and help you to make a decision.
I am so sorry this experience that should be exciting had been so traumatic for you and I really hope you can get some impartial advice urgently. Have you had counselling since the rape as that was very recent. Big hug to you.

Original poster

shypineapple · 23/03/2022 07:12

@vdbfamily

It sounds like you have had a horrendous year followed by a dreadful shock but I think you need to get some urgent counselling. For many people a 5 th baby would be unthinkable but this is something you were actively trying for a few months ago. Your head is currently in a very bad place but if you rush this decision and then regret it, you will also have that trauma to add to everything else. This baby might be the positive thing that helps you recover. It will be a focus and demand that helps you out one foot in front of the other to move forward. You reference previous difficult pregnancies and birth which is adding to your stressful thoughts but you are already halfway through this one without even noticing so it may be an easier one. Also, at this stage of pregnancy, you will actually have to labour and give birth anyway. Is there a professional who is not family and not a friend who can genuinely listen to you and help you to make a decision. I am so sorry this experience that should be exciting had been so traumatic for you and I really hope you can get some impartial advice urgently. Have you had counselling since the rape as that was very recent. Big hug to you.

I understand what you’re saying but people have already said all of this to me. But since I was actively on birth control following my last miscarriage, I do not want to go ahead with this pregnancy. Sorry but I don’t. I keep having to explain this to everyone because they seem to think “oh you’ll come around” but I won’t. I don’t want to put my already suffering body and emotional and mental health through more trauma. I’m hanging on by a thread as it is. Also I don’t believe that a baby should be used as a fix-all. That’s putting a lot of pressure on an unborn child, and giving them a “role” in life that they did not ask for. Right now I CANNOT be a mother to a newborn child. I already mentioned I am seeing a therapist and a counsellor. Thank you.

OP posts:

vdbfamily · 23/03/2022 07:35

Unfortunately, whatever decision you make at this stage of a pregnancy, you will be going through more physical and emotional trauma. Having a termination at this stage will involve an induced labour and emotionally the decision you make will be one you have to live with. The decision to keep the pregnancy obviously has the long term consequences of you having another child to look after but there will also be long term emotional consequences to termination. I know some people argue that they felt nothing and knew it was the right decision but you are already not in this place. It is not an unwanted baby in the same way. Part of your current emotional state is due to losing your last baby.
It is incredibly complex but I think either decision is going to have long term consequences for you.
At the end of the day, no on -line forum is going to be able to make this decision with you but I am genuinely sorry for what you are going through. Sorry I missed the but about counselling.

Original poster

shypineapple · 23/03/2022 07:43

@vdbfamily

Unfortunately, whatever decision you make at this stage of a pregnancy, you will be going through more physical and emotional trauma. Having a termination at this stage will involve an induced labour and emotionally the decision you make will be one you have to live with. The decision to keep the pregnancy obviously has the long term consequences of you having another child to look after but there will also be long term emotional consequences to termination. I know some people argue that they felt nothing and knew it was the right decision but you are already not in this place. It is not an unwanted baby in the same way. Part of your current emotional state is due to losing your last baby. It is incredibly complex but I think either decision is going to have long term consequences for you. At the end of the day, no on -line forum is going to be able to make this decision with you but I am genuinely sorry for what you are going through. Sorry I missed the but about counselling.

I was never asking for advice on what to do though? I just wanted to get it off my chest and find someone who understands, I did state this in the last paragraph… It was ‘unwanted’ (unplanned!) because I was actively on birth control. We took precautions BECAUSE I didn’t want to be pregnant again after what happened. I am well aware that part of the reason I’m so traumatised is due to that loss, and I’m under no illusions here that I will be losing another. I am not a child; I know and completely understand what this will entail. But I physically cannot go through another traumatic birth - the last one almost killed me. And I mean it literally almost killed me - I had to be resuscitated. Husband and I had a very long discussion and both agreed after my last miscarriage that it isn’t fair to expect me or my body to go through that again, and that perhaps we had been naive and too hasty in planning for a fifth child. That is why we both made the decision to use protection after that… It’s not like we were just careless and had unprotected sex or anything; we actively spoke about this and took precautions. I do not want to go through this. My body, my mental health and my emotions are in tatters as it is, and I do not believe I will be able to be a good mother to a newborn baby.

I was hoping I’d find someone out there who might understand, who perhaps has been through something similar. That was my purpose of this, I never once asked for advice on what to do??

OP posts:

Chocoqueen · 23/03/2022 07:48

I'm so sorry OP, I have no advice but to say that you are not a bad person for not wanting to keep the baby, and you would be perfectly within your rights to say no. It's your body and your choice. Make the right decision for you and you alone.

I'm sorry, your husband doesn't seem that supportive if he's told everyone so soon after finding out when you weren't even sure if you want to keep the baby.

I hope you find the strength to make the right decision for you - whatever that turns out to be

Original poster

shypineapple · 23/03/2022 07:48

“I don’t know what I’m looking for really. Just to get it off my chest I suppose? Maybe someone who understands? Just please don’t make me feel worse than I already do. I hate myself more than anything right now as it is.” *

OP posts:

Original poster

shypineapple · 23/03/2022 07:53

@Chocoqueen

I'm sorry, your husband doesn't seem that supportive if he's told everyone so soon after finding out when you weren't even sure if you want to keep the baby.

I hope you find the strength to make the right decision for you - whatever that turns out to be

Thank you. I’m being made to feel like I am, or that “oh she’s just emotional, she will come around” by basically everyone! Nobody seems to understand. 😢 I feel completely invalidated and infantilised. In all honesty I just don’t feel I will be able to be a good mother to a newborn baby with everything going on right now. My life is a mess and I’m struggling and hanging on by a thread as it is. Plus my body is in bad health right now as it is, but everyone just sees me as some incubator, clearly! We were so careful and I was on the implant. This should never have happened…

I have already made my decision unfortunately.
He is supportive though, in every other way. With everything else, he’s been absolutely amazing. It’s just that with this, he feels like I’ll just change my mind. Like I’m some silly little girl who didn’t use protection or something, and got knocked up! When we both made the mutual decision that we did not want to have any more children after all; it was too painful and I almost died after the last time. But people don’t seem to care about the effect pregnancy has on us, do they? As long as we pop out a baby they can all coo over, f*ck how the mother feels, and what her body is going through, it seems! 😢

Thank you x

OP posts:

HoneyPea · 23/03/2022 07:54

I have recently given birth to our baby at 18weeks (very poorly, very wanted baby) and it was a very traumatic experience. Very painful back labour and I ended up having to go to surgery due to retained placenta and very high blood loss. I still feel worse now (over a month on) than I did after my DSs birth.
Have you spoken to a DR about how it could affect your body after previous traumatic births? I'm guessing you may be able to go down the surgical route and it may be safer for you.
If you don't feel you could cope with the newborn stage could your DH be the one who stays home with the baby?

DameCelia · 23/03/2022 07:55

Hi @shypineapple , I can't say that I understand because I haven't been through even a fraction of what you've had to survive but I wanted to say that I read your posts and I hear you.

The pain you're going through sounds unbearable. The one things that's inevitable in life is that time passes, I hope that as it does you are able to cope with whatever the outcome is, and heal from these terrible events.

Calamityjane1987 · 23/03/2022 08:02

You’ve had a really awful run of things, like you say. And it’s no wonder you’re struggling and can’t see this happening.

Aborting a 21 week baby (realistically at best - once you’ve got the ball rolling it will be a couple of weeks before it actually happens) is going to be traumatic. It would be something that would touch even the most emotionally hardened woman. Our society views a 21 week fetus as a baby and they are almost at the fringes of viability. Legally they are nothing, but society views it that they really are something by that point. That does mean you’ll attract negativity from friends and likely your husband. You could have a traumatic abortion and then lose your marriage, breaking up the stability your current children know.

If you keep the baby could you look at what support you need? Escalate it as high as you can - midwives/GP/health visitors/family and friends. Let them all know that you are going to struggle and need help. There’s no denying that either option for you now is going to be emotionally hard, but I really don’t see how aborting will be the easier option unless your husband and friends get on board and give you intense emotional support through it. And I think that’s asking a lot of him if I’m honest.

I really hope you get some support to think through all of this.

Pyewhacket · 23/03/2022 08:11

I cannot offer you a perspective from personal experience but I think it is quite obvious that you cannot continue with this pregnancy, for all the reasons given. Therefore you are going to have to find the mental strength to tell your husband of your final decision and then proceed with the termination. I feel once you have settled that in your mind you’ll find the resolve to carry on rebuilding your life.

GinaGina22 · 23/03/2022 08:15

I'm so sorry that you're experiencing so much sadness/trauma/shittiness. :(

Could you show this tread to your husband? It may be a good starting point for a conversation together. You need to be heard. I hear you. But that doesn't change anything for you. You need to be heard by the people around you. Sending love.

Original poster

shypineapple · 23/03/2022 08:21

@Calamityjane1987

You’ve had a really awful run of things, like you say. And it’s no wonder you’re struggling and can’t see this happening.

I really hope you get some support to think through all of this.

As I’ve said, I am under no illusions of what this will entail. I know it will break down my marriage and that kills me. I love him so much… But it’s not fair of him or anyone else to expect me to go through something I don’t want, and that has almost killed me once before. It isn’t fair. And it isn’t my fault that I found out so late either - I had absolutely NO idea I was even pregnant. To be honest, the way everyone is making me feel, makes me feel like the best option for all involved is for me to just end my own life. I really can’t see any other way out of this. And frankly I am miserable, and I am tired of having to go through this hell of a life I never asked for, just to then be made out to be some monster for choosing myself and my own health for once in my life. I’m always doing what’s best for everyone else and I can’t take any more.

OP posts:

Original poster

shypineapple · 23/03/2022 08:24

@GinaGina22

I'm so sorry that you're experiencing so much sadness/trauma/shittiness. :(

Thank you,

I think I might. Unfortunately I still think he will try and force me to keep it.
Yes it would be good to be heard and actually listened to for once. Everyone seems to think they know what I’m feeling or thinking, or “oh you’ll get over it”, and they’re infantilising me, it feels.
I just don’t want to live anymore. I’ve had enough. Feels like that’s my only escape.

OP posts:

Gowithme · 23/03/2022 09:12

OP this all sounds hugely traumatic but unfortunately at the same time you really need to act asap. I would make the appointment and then tell your husband that you can't go through with the pregnancy and to ask him if he can try to understand and support you. Make sure you know what is involved in a later stage abortion as that in itself can be very emotionally traumatic and you are already fragile. Have you had the chance to talk it through with your counseller and therapist yet? I know it's only been a few days so maybe not - hopefully you will be seeing them very soon? You sound like you are very clear about what you need to do OP so I think you need to get the ball rolling asap. I'm sorry you're having to go through all this but sticking to what you know is right for you is all you can do. x

Original poster

shypineapple · 23/03/2022 09:35

@Gowithme

I know. I have telephoned this morning, just waiting to hear back with an appointment date. Yes, I do know, believe me I have researched this and yes I have spoken to my therapist; I did so at my usual appointment on Monday. I just wish none of this had happened. I think I will be writing him a letter, explaining, since he doesn’t seem to understand (or even try to) when I try to speak to him. Unfortunately I also know that I cannot stick around to face him after this. I’m assuming I’ll have to remain in hospital for a few days after the procedure, but following that, I am going to stay with my cousin who lives abroad. Alone. I know this won’t make me very popular either, but considering that I want to end my life right now, I feel very alone and very scared, and my cousin has very kindly offered me a place to stay for “as long as I need.” Sadly I feel like I may need to leave my job in order to do that. I don’t know how long I’ll stay, or how long my job will allow me to stay. I just can’t go on like this anymore. Obviously I have no support where I am right now, not really anyway. My cousin seems to be the only person who understands, even though he’s a gay man so won’t have been through anything like this. Seems like he’s all I have. Think it’s for the best for everyone if I do this. I honestly cannot carry on anymore where I am. Never felt so broken in all my life. X

OP posts:

GingerFigs · 23/03/2022 09:49

Oh OP. I read this and just want to give you a hug. You sound so distressed and no one is listening to you. It's your body, your choice. Your family and friends all have opinions but none of them are living in your body and in your life. Massive internet hugs to you x

WellNotReally · 23/03/2022 10:01

Oh OP, your distress is coming through so clearly in your posts. I respect your courage in coming to such a difficult decision despite the pressure from all around you.

It sounds like you've endured so much trauma, my heart goes out to you. And no judgement from me - I've been present at many later terminations, it was the right choice for those women, just as it is for you. Sending you

PandoraVictoria · 23/03/2022 10:23

Oh my goodness. This all sounds beyond traumatic, you poor thing.

I think the key element here is if you go ahead with a termination - will you regret it afterwards? From everything you've written, I don't think you will. And that makes it the right decision for you.

Sending lots of support

Hoppinggreen · 23/03/2022 10:29

I’m so sorry OP, you have had a terrible time and if you opt for termination it will be hard but it might be the best thing for you. I dint judge you at all.
I DO judge your husband though who seems to think that if he ignores the issue it will all go away. He is dismissing your feelings and it’s not right. He’s not the one going through this and while I appreciate that he wants this baby he’s not the one having it

MNHQ

HebeMumsnet · 23/03/2022 12:34

Hi there, OP,

We're so sorry to hear you've had such an awful time of it and now find yourself in this really difficult position .

You seem to be getting lots of useful suggestions and supportive posts here, but we just thought we would pop by with our usual link to our mental health webguide just in case there are any numbers there that you might want to ring to seek support or talk about this further.

We do hope you manage to find a way through this and feel stronger the other side of it all.

Dodie66 · 23/03/2022 12:49

Am I the only one worrying about what is happening with your other 4 children? Not saying you shouldn’t do what is best for you. Just wondering if you have talked to your DH about childcare etc. hope all goes well for you

Original poster

shypineapple · 23/03/2022 14:06

@Dodie66

I’m not going to just abandon them to fend for themselves if that’s what you’re implying. No I haven’t spoken to him about it, but I am arranging something else for them. What I do will be in THEIR best interest…

OP posts:

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