Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

Terminating third pregnancy.

44 replies

Stupidandsad · 06/03/2022 17:41

I’ll try and give the basic facts, but I just wondered if anyone had been in a similar situation.

I am 37, first is 8 and second is 2. First from previous marriage is 50:50 between me and her dad. Partner is 41.

I work full time, term time and occasional days in hols.

Financially we are ok, just about, I am the main wage earner, partners take home £1k a month.

House needs an extension as we have 3 bedrooms but one is a box room.

I am 3-4st overweight and was just starting to lose it and get myself sorted.

My biggest concern is the impact on my oldest, who already has to share her time between me and her dad and we have just started to be able to go out without youngest to do things we enjoy but can’t so safely with a toddler in tow. I worry they will feel massively left out with 2 younger ones here all the time. They love their sibling but struggle at times with the intensity of a toddler.

Partner is very hands on but I have to do the majority of organising etc, the mental load I guess.

First was a terrible sleeper, second is better but still bf , Co-sleeps and doesn’t consistently sleep through.

My parents help with childcare but are late 70s and time is ticking.

I just don’t think I can do it. Physically or emotionally. I have a scan appointment booked with BPAS next week.

Has anyone in similar circumstances been pretty set on terminating and it’s been the right thing for them? Or terminated and regretted?

Thank you in advance.

OP posts:
MyDcAreMarvel · 06/03/2022 17:55

...

Original poster
Stupidandsad · 06/03/2022 17:56

Apologies, I didn’t realise.

OP posts:
FazedNotPhased · 06/03/2022 17:58

Fuck off DC.

OP, no one here can tell you what to do, but to me it sounds like you have some pretty good practical reasons not to have a baby. I don't regret my termination, and I know many other women who say the same. It depends whether you feel those practical reasons can be overcome because you actually want the baby, if that makes sense.

clpsmum · 06/03/2022 18:00

Agreed, fuck off DC not in slightest bit helpful.

OP you are the only one that came make the decision. I think you have some pretty strong reasons to terminate though and you sound like you've thought it through. I have 3DC and it is hard. Sending hugs

Spaghag · 06/03/2022 18:01

I had a termination with my 5th pregnancy (3 DCs & 1 MMC).

It was the right thing to do at that time for my family - mainly the existing DCs. I can honestly say I have never regretted it.

VladmirsPoutine · 06/03/2022 18:02

Thing is, even in consideration of all the practicalities do you want to terminate the baby? If everyone had to list pros and cons to having a kid the world's population would not be in the billions. Having said that, what wins over?

DueyCheatemAndHow · 06/03/2022 18:04

No one can tell you what to do OP, as you know. But for what it's worth I think your reasons for not wanting to continue with this pregancy are totally valid. It's such a tough decision but you are thinking about your current children and that's the best any of us can do.

girlmom21 · 06/03/2022 18:05

Have you spoken to your partner? How does he feel?

It sounds like you've made your mind up. Are you looking for assurance that your decision is ok? It's ok either way. Do what's right for you and your family.

As you've asked: I don't think I could continue with a pregnancy that meant a 3rd child.
We planned our children around finances, opportunities etc.

Hugasauras · 06/03/2022 18:07

Don't worry, I've yet to see DC post anything helpful on any thread on MN.

Anyway, it's enough to just not want another child. You might feel some regret or sadness after, but that doesn't mean it wasn't the right decision, just that it's a tough thing to go through. Practical issues can often be overcome but conversely even if they can, that doesn't mean they aren't a consideration regardless.

Original poster
Stupidandsad · 06/03/2022 18:08

Thank you everyone.

I don’t want to terminate this pregnancy- but I would like to wake up tomorrow and not be pregnant, I’d love to bury my head in the sand and pretend this wasn’t happening.

My partner (who I have not said anything to) would likely want to continue with the pregnancy. It sounds pathetic, but I am feeling my age since my second was born and the long-term impact of carrying then prioritising the needs of a baby.

If I were younger, I think I would feel differently, and if my first was with me more of their time.

OP posts:
Borracha · 06/03/2022 18:13

I found myself pregnant with a very unplanned third on Christmas Day 2020. We live in a country where abortion is not available and due to COViD restrictions, I was unable to travel.

DC3 is beautiful. My heart bursts when she smiles at me and giggles at her older siblings who adore her. But it’s also bloody hard work. Our house is bursting at the seams, we now travel everywhere as a family in 2 cars and my stomach muscles are fucked.

Only you know what is right for you. This sounds horrific, but if you woke up tomorrow and miscarry, how would you feel? Upset? Disappointed? Relieved? Your potential reaction might tell you a lot. Best of luck Flowers

Viviennemary · 06/03/2022 18:16

It is difficult to advise somebody else on what to do if they are not at all sure themselves. If termination is something you will regret in yesrs to come then I would think very hard first. Its not something that can be undone. It's a really difficult decision when you are not sure.

Original poster
Stupidandsad · 06/03/2022 18:20

When I spoke to BPAS, the lovely lady on the phone said “you sound very sure” but said I could ask for counselling if I wanted it.

I’m worried in 20 years time I will look at my family and wish there was a fifth person in the picture.

I would not have chosen to have another one (I know I am old enough to know better and feel beyond stupid to be in this situation). I very much felt my family was complete with my second.

OP posts:
Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 06/03/2022 18:21

Hmmmmm the PPs have said things I would say but also bluntly, having another puts you back at square one.
If someone had come along and advised me to terminate my third pregnancy-I'd have been upset but equally if I'd asked then I'd have appreciated the honest response.
I ended up with more than 3. I adore them. But if I were doing my time again I'd have stopped at 2. The money, the disappearing into being 'mother' for longer. All of it. 3 is somehow a whole shitshow extra than moving from 1 to 2.

devildeepbluesea · 06/03/2022 18:24

No one wants to have a termination. It’s the least worst of the options available to you at the time.
I’ve never regretted mine at all. But only you can decide if it’s the least worst option for you right now.

girlmom21 · 06/03/2022 18:26

I very much felt my family was complete with my second.

Do you still feel that's it's complete?

I know you've said you might look back in 20 years time but at the same time look forward to 20 years from now. How did you see your life? How do you see it?

YellowHpok · 06/03/2022 18:31

I would terminate in these circumstances personally. I just know I couldn't do it again, for many of the reasons you mention. DH would love a third but would support my choice. Best wishes OP.

Original poster
Stupidandsad · 06/03/2022 18:34

2 weeks ago I’d have looked forward and seen my family as it is now and felt more than happy with that.

Now? Too muddled in my head I think, because this 5th person does not exist.

The dynamics and practicalities of 3 seem beyond my capabilities. I was one of 3, younger by a good chunk and was quite lonely growing up. I worry that would become my oldest, even though their age gap is half mine. My mom didn’t work either, so was a lot more present than I would be.

OP posts:
Nelliephant1 · 06/03/2022 18:45

My friend was in the same situation, around your age. Older child by 8 years from previous relationship. One toddler who was and still is a handful then number 3 came around. She went ahead and had number 3 and although there have been ups and downs like every family, she says that number three is the best thing that could have happened. Two wee ones play together, older one enjoys having the younger ones but does definitely need solo time with her mum and a bit of space but that's like any teen I suppose.

Original poster
Stupidandsad · 06/03/2022 18:49

Thank you for that.

I worry about pushing my oldest away with the chaos of 2 younger ones, they love their sibling but never really commit to saying they are glad they have them. Despite asking for a sibling for years!

I also feel I have been very lucky so far, relatively easy pregnancies and births, especially no2s birth. I worry my “luck” will run out and something will go wrong if I did continue, then the impact on my existing children.

OP posts:
Cherryblossoms85 · 06/03/2022 18:55

I was in a similar situation, apart from financial, where we were easily able to drop to one wage. So I kept her. It's caused some difficulty over the years, as my DH did not want to keep her, but...he did the deed after all. He was 44 when she was born and he has found it very hard.

Original poster
Stupidandsad · 06/03/2022 18:59

Financially it would be hard for us, not impossible but hard. My partner is wonderful, but is very much a “one task at a time” type person and does not see all the little things that need doing. The house is already chaos.

OP posts:
gogohm · 06/03/2022 19:03

Obviously it so personal to you. I was in different circumstances but I did terminate, I couldn't face doing it again, however as is natural I do wonder occasionally what if ... I know it was for the best

Original poster
Stupidandsad · 06/03/2022 19:06

Thank you, all of you, who have shared your thoughts and experiences.

OP posts:
Cotswoldmama · 06/03/2022 19:10

It hasn't happened to me I have the copper coil so very unlikely to but I did have a scare a few months back. I would 100% have an abortion. I don't want another child. Many of my reasons are like you've stated. The cost, the change in the family dynamics, etc. I feel like it would be a massive backwards step to have to do the baby stage again and i feel like it's hard enough to split my time between the two I have. I guess as others have said you would love that child no matter what but would you resent the choice at the same time?