Torn about abortion

[whoisjoe]

I am 5 weeks pregnant and undecided. Timing is not good, currently half way through 1st year of degree. Have DD6 from previous marriage, and always wanted to have another but never felt we had the resources, financially, lack of family support and my MH is not great, bad experience with DD early years. I am on venlafaxine and I’m so anxious this medication will (or has) caused problems to the pregnancy. I also took codiene last week and I’m so scared. I’m also scared for my relationship and my mental health. I like things they way they are , but I’ve always felt a sadness about not having 2nd baby. My partner is very supportive, but I feel this is our last chance to have a baby due to his age and not wanting a big age gap with DD. But I am so scared that I will feel regret for the rest of my life. Doesn’t help that DD6 regularly says she’s sad without a sibling.
Anyone been on venlafaxine whilst early pregnant? Or throughout?
Anyone done a nursing degree whilst pregnant and caught up at a later date with a small child?

Your daughter may not get on with sibling so I wouldn't let that be deciding factor.

Yes that’s very true. I don’t believe in having a child just to give a sibling. I’m probably
Sensitive at the moment and get distracted by what I feel in my heart. But the practical reasons are what I should focus on…

Hi. I'm in a similar situation at the moment. 5 weeks or so, unplanned/failed contraception. I have two young children already. Practically it would be really difficult to have another, for financial, logistical, mental health, family reasons.

I'm just not sure I can go through with an abortion though. I have the pills arriving this week but whether I'll be able to take them I don't know.

I did some long term budgeting yesterday to cover the next four years and it'll be so tight as I work full time. My other children will have to miss out on a lot.

I just don't know what to do

@whattodo12349 so sorry you’re in this difficult situation also. I feel so guilty about taking the pills, something no one wants to do I guess. I will get them next week. But like you, I know my DD and new baby would miss out on a lot and I will be in a bad place with my MH , and they need a happy healthy mum.
Do you mind me asking if you’re on medication for your MH?

@whattodo12349 I guess being 5 weeks the pregnancy is not really developed much, this is what I tell myself to lessen the guilt it would be so much harder if we were further along .

@whoisjoe yes, that's the only way I can rationalise it at the moment, it's so early but also I don't know when I'll get a chance to take the tablets as I'm supposed to be at a wedding this weekend. I could not go but my DH would still have to go as it's a very good friend so I'd be on my own which isn't ideal.

Ironically I came off medication six weeks ago as I was feeling so much better. No idea what will happen now.

@whattodo12349 hopefully it won’t be too bad as it’s so early but like you, I’m trying to find the right time to have a few days to lay low. Currently on my nursing placement so I think I’ll have to leave it until next weekend .

Good to hear you’re doing well off medication, and I hope you are able to get support if you need it afterwards. My gp has provided a lot of info about abortion counselling which could be helpful. Feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders but know in my heart I’m making the right decision for my family and my MH health

Lots of luck if that's the right word. I hope it goes ok for you. Good idea on the counselling. I will look in to it

@whattodo12349 hope it goes ok for you too, take care

I’m 6+3, I contacted MSI on 15th jan. Waited two weeks for telephone consultation to be told today I need to be seen in clinic because of my medical assessment. I can’t be seen in clinic until 8th February when I’ll be 8 weeks. I am beyond devastated and find it awful how they can make you wait so long. I am hoping for medical termination. I contacted at just 4 weeks as wanted to do it as early as poss. Now I’m suffering pregnancy symptoms and it’s taking a toll on my mood. Sorry to rant, just can’t believe now long it’s all taking.

@Use5name sorry to hear that. It must be to do with areas as I'm south east and my tablets turned up today, that's less than a week for me.

That's such a long wait for you. Maybe keep calling in case they have cancellations?

@Use5name aw that’s an awful long time to wait once you’ve made your decision. I was told I’d have to wait 2-3 weeks for my local nhs service , but managed to get a telephone consultation through BPAS. Fingers crossed for you

It’s been really tough! I will be seen in clinic on 8th February and providing all is ok (they’re making me have a scan) then I will take the pills that day. I have underactive thyroid and that triggered the medical assessment to be passed through to one of MSI’s doctors. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I’ll be 8 weeks pregnant when I finally see someone and to think I called them up at 4 weeks. I feel so terrible that the pregnancy has progressed and grown during this time.

@Use5name xx

@whoisjoe how are you getting on? My DD tested positive for covid on Thursday so is at home all day which is delaying things for me.

@whattodo12349 I managed to take tablets over the weekend when I had a few days off. Quite a bit of cramping a couple of hours after the last tablets , followed by some bleeding . The next day I had only slight cramps and been bleeding lightly ever since . I’ll keep an eye on bleeding in case it stops after 4 days as have to call the clinic . Definitely needed painkillers and hot water bottle all night after final tablets. Some PMS feelings and emotional the last couple of days but managing at work to keep busy. Oh gosh hope you’re DD is ok it must be hard waiting , but hopefully not too long for you . Will you get some rest for when you take final tablets?xx

@whoisjoe ah that's great, I'm glad it went as well as it could for you.

I'm assuming I'll have to wait till next week now as can't do it at the weekend with both kids around. But I'll be seven weeks on Monday and that makes me really sad. Going to have to try and manage it with working from home as can't take any time off now that I'm falling behind trying to work with DD at home. I could wait till half term as my husband is taking the kids away but don't think I should be alone in case I get too emotional. And also it's all feeling very late for me. All messing with my head a bit really!

@whattodo12349 aw I feel for you, it’s so hard. I think I was 6+1, so hopefully won’t be too much harder for you. It’s not easy though definitely have DH around after 2nd tablets , take care xx

@whattodo12349 how are you feeling? X

@whattodo12349 I’m doing ok thanks, still bleeding but very light and occasional cramp. I’d say I’m having a hormone crash as I feel PMS like, quite down and emotional. But it’s only been a week so trying to be kind to myself and remember that my hormones are everywhere. I know I made the right choice and I should level out in a week or so hopefully. Keeping busy helps. How are you doing?

Oh good, glad you’re feeling ok and taking care of yourself. I think it’s to be expected that hormones will be wreaking havoc. I feel ever more anxious as my appointment with MSI is Tuesday. I will have scan etc and then meds I assume. Still don’t know if I’m making the right choice. Got another 24 hours to decide! I’m nearly 8 weeks and I’m finding it hard not to get attached. But realistically I can’t see my coping with a 4 year old, 2 year old and newborn! Glad you’re feeling ok and hopefully you’ll be back to yourself in a few weeks xx

@Use5name I just realised you meant that message for the other user @whattodo12349and not me sorry!! It’s such a hard decision but do what’s right for you and your DCs, take care and be kind to yourself ladies

@whoisjoe @Use5name hi both. I'm very up and down. My DD is finally back at school after covid so I was going to take the first tablet last night and the second lot tomorrow but I was still so confused about what to do and had been crying a lot. My biggest fear is regretting having an abortion and having to live with that. I'm worried about my mental health but then I also worry about my mental health with keeping it. I really struggled with two and the pandemic and have only just come off at medication but even without the pandemic I had pnd after my first and have struggled with my MH since I was a teen. I also don't have a great relationship with my DB and would love another sibling myself so I'd like my kids to be more of a gang.

Anyway, because I was so confused and upset about it yesterday we decided to keep the pregnancy going but today I'm having a wobble the other way. I like where my life is right now, it's all getting easier, I have time to go for a swim if I want. I'm more relaxed and a better parent to my kids for it. I love my two so much and we have a good thing going. Also logistically we can't afford a new car. Our house is great but it will feel too small with three teenagers but we've borrowed at max capacity really. I want to support my kids through uni if they want to go, help them with a house deposit, but my career is going to stall massively with a third so I'll probably get stuck at the level I'm at and I don't want to work to 65. Neither could I in this job really, I don't know any 60+ women at work and this is an organisation of 1.5k employees which is 90% female (charity).

We also got a puppy two months ago. And she's great but is another complication now. We got her because we knew we were done with kids.

I'm just very very confused now. I just want to cry all day.

@whattodo12349 it’s so tough isn’t it. I’ve gone round the houses with what to do but I have my appointment tomorrow and I believe I will take the first tablet there. We have two children and as much as a third would be lovely, our life would suffer so much financially and I wouldn’t be able to give my kids as much. Plus I’m starting a new job next week. Life is getting a little bit easier after having two babies in 17 months. Youngest is now 2. You’ve got to do what’s best for you. There is no right or wrong decision and that’s why I’m finding the hardest too. I

@Use5name best of luck tomorrow. I'm glad that you sound quite settled on your choice. I'm starting to wonder whether for me it's because I was so set on an abortion to start that I felt we hadn't considered keeping it enough.

I've actually got an early scan tonight because if it was multiples that would make my mind up for me. No way could I cope.

I'll see how I feel after that and looking at my work diary I could take Thursday off for the second lot of pills.

It wouldn't be my first abortion. I had one at 19 and another at 29. The second was an awful experience. Both were because of failed contraception and not being in stable relationships. I'm at peace with both of those decisions because I've ended up where I am now and have two wonderful children that I wouldn't have if I'd followed through with the earlier pregnancies. But it was tough at the time and my behaviour was quite destructive after as I was depressed and felt lost. However this time I have a supportive partner and two kids to keep me busy.

Three abortions feels like a lot though. Very careless. Especially when other people struggle with getting pregnant at all.