Pregnant 4th - low income. Wwyd?

[1256babyor455]

Morning mumsnetters,

Please be gentle I don't think I can handle the ruthlessness of some of the aibu posters!

So as you can see I've just recently found out I'm pregnant with my 4th...a bit of background: I lost my mum three weeks ago, I've been a bit all over with myself and we realised I hadn't taken the pill as I usually do. So I quickly got the morning after pill and its resulted in two pink lines...I must of ovulated beforehand. I'm in shock, terrified and a whole host of mixed emotions...I'm so angry with myself for not being more with it and being wrapped up in my own grief.

Practical and sensible side is telling me to book a consultation with the abortion clinic - we have 3 children to think about. We have a modest / low income DH is on minimum wage (full time) and I'm on a small part time wage. We rent a 4 bed house- we have been in it for eight years now, it's very old/ dated - everything is starting to fall apart. We've been trying to save for a deposit but it's a constant one step forward two step backward type of situation in regards so it seems that we'll be renting indefinitely. At the moment we can stretch to a small five day uk holiday a year, with a couple of days out thrown in a month. The children are clothed and fed - I spend my spare hours scouring ebay, charity shops, free sites for clothes and toys but there's not much wiggle room in the budget...how we would we afford acitivies and hobbies for another? How would we afford days out? How would I give all my children the time that they need? How would I tell work I need a fourth lot of maternity leave? How will family react?

My heart is aghast, I feel like it's a gift from my mum and the financial situation that is the biggest factor in this may change? We already have all the baby equipment, the larger car, the two double rooms in the house can be split into two (we rent from a family friend) or we could use one of the reception rooms downstairs. Days out and expensive hobbies arent essential- i grew up with little money and we had one seaside holiday a year I never went to gymnastics or swimming and I adored my childhood. I've had two miscarriages in the past and this seems to go against everything I had dreamed of and wanted. How would I feel at 70 or 80? Would I always be looking for that other face in the photographs?

But we aren't in the best financial position and it impacts the futures of my current kids...I just need some help, experiences, advice?

If you went ahead with a pregnancy did you regret it? If you didn't do you regret it now? Or is it the right decision?

Anyone? :( I can't stop crying. I feel like I'm 16 not a 34 year old mum of 3.

Oh my lovely. What a difficult situation this is. I see this baby as a gift from your mum! It's not a situation I have been in. But yes I think you would have regrets maybe but you do have your other children to think off too. I wouldn't make any rash decisions. What does your partner think? Xx

Huge hugs. Sorry to hear about your mum.

I can only answer as myself in your position but because of your grief, I wouldn't make any rash decisions to start with.

What would you tell a good friend to do? Might give you some clues to how you really feel about it.

In your situation I think I would be in tears too. Are any of your children at school? Could you work more hours? We have 3 children and it’s hard as they get older, I think it’s harder than when they are young as their demands are more emotionally tiring. If you go to a clinic quickly you may be able to have counselling to help you come to terms with your decision, either way.

I wouldn't in your situation. It sounds like a struggle already. I'd think of your existing children.

Also I'm not sure id be able to manage grief and a pregnancy together- all too much for me.

Its your decision though, no one can say your doing the right or wrong thing.

I am so sorry about your mum, that is an awful lot to process at once.

I think that if finances are a consideration, I would be consider how the finances after April when NI increases and energy prices could increase by 40%.

Only you can make the right choice for yourself and your family - there is no right or wrong here.

Thank you so so much everyone I really really appreciate it - I feel so alone currently.

My husband is supportive of whatever decision I make - he would prefer to terminate the pregnancy as he feels it'll have a negative impact on the children we have currently.

If I was advising a friend I'd say termination is the right way to go and maybe reaccess the family situation in a couple of years- if finances have changed then go ahead to have another.

I cant increase my hours ...well I could but the cost of childcare for the youngest two and afterschool clubs would equal more than I earn in a day. The kids are 7, 4 and 2.

Ville - you make a very very good point and I'm very worried about the increases ahead. I just wish I could switch my heart off so I couldn't feel anything - I tried to reassure myself that it was just cells but reading up what it looks like at 4 weeks has made it worse. I need to go with the least damaging option for my family- even if it means I'll be haunted for the rest of my days least my current children will have a good life.

I feel for you, I really do.
I think you've answered your own questions, really.

Finances and time for your three children are the big factor. As children get older, they need more time and money. You are still young, and you have have enough time to reassess whether you and DH want another child.

I cannot make the phone call to the clinic...I'm in a mess. I've spoken to my husband and he's really come to terms with termination and thinks it is 100% the right thing - best for the kids. Which I agree it makes total sense we are not in the best place to bring another life...he's phoned up and booked in for the snip at the beginning of next month - this has concreted his idea that we are complete as a family.

But can I just get rid and move on? How will I feel in the summer when I should have a bump? When i see friends with tiny babies? When September rolls round and would be waking up to four little faces? This will be my last pregnancy.
I've worked out the due date on the NHS calender and it's due on my mums birthday...or would be birthday. I can't think sensibly at all.

Can you focus on how much you love your existing children and how this will help them enormously? You would be making a huge decision which would help them for all of their lives.

@1256babyor455

I cannot make the phone call to the clinic...I'm in a mess. I've spoken to my husband and he's really come to terms with termination and thinks it is 100% the right thing - best for the kids. Which I agree it makes total sense we are not in the best place to bring another life...he's phoned up and booked in for the snip at the beginning of next month - this has concreted his idea that we are complete as a family.

But can I just get rid and move on? How will I feel in the summer when I should have a bump? When i see friends with tiny babies? When September rolls round and would be waking up to four little faces? This will be my last pregnancy.
I've worked out the due date on the NHS calender and it's due on my mums birthday...or would be birthday. I can't think sensibly at all.

That is a sign, your mums birthday 🥺

Take some time. Have you got anyone to talk this through with? This is such a big decision xxx

Been in a similar situation many years ago op and it's horrible.

However I decided on termination because like you financially things were tight and already having young dc was such hard work as well as both of us working etc.

Only you can decide what's right or wrong

The way I decided was to look at what we had at that time and how another baby would impact everyone and that swung it for me.

As my dc have got older life has got very expensive and so have they and the things we need.

Earnings wise we earn a lot more than we did back then and the dc can enjoy things we definitely wouldn't have been able to do had we had another one however you may not see things that way.

We wanted the dc we had to have the experiences of things we couldn't when we were dc due to having many siblings each.

I really feel for you op it's such a shit place to be but whatever decision you make be at peace with it and know you did it for the right reasons.

It really isn't a sign, it's a coincidence.

I'm so sorry, what a terrible position to find yourself in. I think you are going to have to be pretty practical and realistic. Will you still be able to feed and clothe your family if you have another baby? If you have a car, will you have to get a new one?

What will your existing kids miss out on or have to sacrifice if you have this baby?

I hope you can get some counselling to help you. The effect it will have on you will affect how it impacts the family as well. Would the 4 year old be in school by the time of the due date? It is a very difficult situation - please talk to trusted friends and relatives as well as getting professional counselling. Sending you best wishes.

Utterly unhelpful of people to be saying nonsense like ‘it’s a gift’ ‘it’s a sign’. Keep your mum on jumbo to yourself, it’s inappropriate on a thread like this.
Good luck OP, the best decision is giving the best life to the three kids you’ve already made.

Have any of the people encouraging you to keep the embryo sent you the £250,000 it costs to raise a person to 18yrs old? Didn’t think so.

*mumbo jumbo

@wtfisgoingonhere21 I hope you don't mind me asking but have you ever regretted it? I'm in a similar position having found myself pregnant with a third. I took the map and my DH is booked in for a vasectomy. It really wasn't in our plans and I can't get my head around what it means for us.

I don't want another baby but I'm very worried I'll be riddled with regret in 10 years time when theoretically things would be easier.

Ihave never regretted it as sad as that may sound to some.

Originally straight after and during the process I felt terrible but after a few days I felt relief and not just for me but for all of us.

It really would have changed things for our family and would drastically lower finances again and inhibit the opportunities for our other dc.

I moved on and continued as before and I still look back and know I did the right thing.

Not going to lie it's an awful situation to be in but I know I made the right choice.

My dh I think was afraid to say either way because he didn't want to sway me but I know he felt the same way as I did at the time and still do.

The last two years of pandemic has really affected our finances and it's taking us both to work full time plus another sideline job each to try and get us back to where we were.
I can't imagine how much harder that would be with another one and childcare etc etc.

We don't need childcare as ours are older now and so are their grandparents so they wouldn't be able to help anyway now

@whattodo12349

How old are yours if you don't mind me asking?

@NowEvenBetter

I agree with your post entirely.

Its all well and good saying it's a gift etc etc but not always the case and certainly not for other dc at times.

@wtfisgoingonhere21 mine are two and four. Four year old is at school

We both earn fine but it just doesn't stretch very far, we're not high earners. We'll get 30 free hours soon so that will help but my DM helps us out a lot. She looks after our DS one day a week, does school pick up twice a week. Covers sick days for the kids when we can't miss work.

But she's 74 this summer. She wouldn't be able to do it for a new DC. it would be too much for her.

Agree with others about thinking practically at this difficult time it doesn’t sound like another child is in anyone’s best interests. I would absolutely put my existing children first and I did in the past and while have felt sadness I’ve never felt regret

I'd go for the termination, personally. You would inevitably make your other kids' lives a lot worse, and this isn't a sign. It's a coincidence as, like you said, you have been a mess and not used contraception properly (which is totally understandable).

I'm so sorry for your loss

I can't answer your question - you have to weigh up everything and come to your own decision. All I can say is that I have more than three, luckily for me money was never an issue, but neither was time. All my DC have had plenty of my time, both separately and together. Don't let that be in the negative column unless you have a DC with SN.

@whattodo12349

My parents were slightly younger and still working part time when our babies were small but my in laws are older parents so had retired and were ok with them but we could see as the youngest was heading for pre school age it was getting a struggle for them and without that extra help we would have been buggered.

They would also cover holidays and sickness but not always as they would go away so we would have to juggle it between us resulting in not much family time together.

It was a hard time but as they've got older things have got easier and earning potential went up which might sound abit crass to some but it's the way we had to view the situation and thank god we did.

Nobody knew we were going to be crushed by a pandemic and it's literally battered our finances and taken its toll emotionally on all of us.

There's no way we would have coped.

Just remember whatever you choose to do it's done because you've thought about how it affects everyone in your family.

I have a friend who had an accident and decided to continue with the pregnancy and unfortunately is now divorced with three dc on a part time wage in renting with no possibility of ever being able to up earning potential due to dc disabilities etc.

She loves all her dc but she's worn out and although doesn't regret her decision I know she spends time thinking of how things would have been.

Not posting that to get any type of shitty response from anyone I'm just literally pointing out different situations.