Relocating with unborn baby

[EllaJ21]

Hi everyone!

I've recently found out that I'm pregnant. Just over 9 weeks. I'm 24 and live in New Zealand at the moment but I'm from the UK. The father of this child is from New Zealand and has no intention of relocating. However, I don't feel like I would be able to raise a baby here without the support of my family so have started to think of the possibility of moving back to the UK with the baby.

The father and I are not together. We never have been in a relationship, we're just friends but have slept together a few times and this happened unexpectedly (yes, we used contraception but it failed). We've discussed the possibility of termination (he would prefer this) and of having the baby (my preference), but the more we speak about it, the more I think it's really not feasible to have this baby.

The father has said that if I do decide to have the baby, he wants to be part of its life so I would never want to separate him from his child, but at the same time, I never planned on staying away permanently, I have no family here, I have some friends but we are all young and they are not at that stage of their life yet so I worry about how I will cope if I have the baby and stay here. My parents could visit maybe once a year max with the cost (Covid permitting).

I'm so confused. Any advice/what would you do?

Return home to the Uk- take time to consider if a baby is really what you want given the circumstances.

Move now. If you have the baby in NZ he can apply to the courts to prevent to moving your child from NZ but he can’t do that if your child is born in the UK and this is where you live.

OP you need to decide if your wish to continue the pregnancy over rules his wish to be involved. I can see why you would want to move back to the UK but you would essentially be depriving the child of a father.

Move now before you have the baby.

Make the decision for you. It's your body, your choice.

Be aware that if you have the baby in NZ you may well end up stuck there.

I don't know the laws in NZ, but a friend of mine is stuck in the US as he ex husband won't give permission for her to return home with the DC. She's had to see her parents get old and ill from afar and not be able to help them by moving them in / caring for them, which has been really tough.

Go home and make your decision here.

You say you don't want to separate your potential baby from its father but your family will likely be a much better support than a guy you're not with.

Also, a termination is a valid choice if that's what you want.

You need to make the decision, either way, for yourself, no one else.

I think I agree with you that it's not really feasible for you to have the baby at this point in time - you sound as if you are not settled in NZ, would ( quite reasonably )struggle without family support, and the father has made it clear he doesn't really want the baby. He says that if you have it he wants to be part of it's life, but has he said that he will support you and the baby? I think you would be mainly on your own.
Do you have the right to remain permanently in NZ if you wanted to ?

@DelphiniumBlue

I think I agree with you that it's not really feasible for you to have the baby at this point in time - you sound as if you are not settled in NZ, would ( quite reasonably )struggle without family support, and the father has made it clear he doesn't really want the baby. He says that if you have it he wants to be part of it's life, but has he said that he will support you and the baby? I think you would be mainly on your own. Do you have the right to remain permanently in NZ if you wanted to ?

He has said he wants to be involved but you're right, I won't know the extent of his involvement until the baby is actually here. Obviously he would be legally obliged to pay child support but I would need more support than that and for him to actively care for the baby. I have no way of knowing if he actually will regardless of any reassurances which worries me.

I don't have the right to stay here permanently but if the baby was born here, it would be a citizen and I would be granted permanent right to remain here. I just can't imagine being here forever and my baby growing up without my family around.

If youre going to move, go asap

Move now. If in two years you feel the father is being a good remote support and you want to move back to him with baby then that is a choice you can make (subject to vagaries of visas). If you have the baby there then he can prevent you having the choice to bring the baby back to the uk.

Also think long and hard about whether you are prepared to be a single parent.

Are you sure the baby would be entitled to citizenship and by extension you would be too?! If this is a factor in your decision make sure you are 100% correct in this

Personally in a similar situation I terminated the pregnancy. If you decide to continue, I agree you need to go back to the U.K. ASAP. Do think about housing/jobs/being a totally single parent to a child whose father is thousands of miles away.

@BillyBarryBoo

Are you sure the baby would be entitled to citizenship and by extension you would be too?! If this is a factor in your decision make sure you are 100% correct in this

Because the father is a NZ citizen the baby would be entitled to citizenship. If he wasn't, then the baby wouldn't automatically be entitled and our only option would be to leave or navigate visas for both of us. I'd need to go through a process once the baby arrives and wouldn't be a citizen but would be granted the right to stay with the baby. At the moment, my employer sponsors me so I could technically stay and just keep renewing my visa that way.

Agree with pp to move now. What is currently keeping you there? I wouldn’t have a baby on my own abroad.. I’m doing it with DH and it’s hard enough as it is! You don’t know what support he will give, even if he has good intentions now there’s no guarantee he will show up later when baby js here. In your position I would go back now and make the choice there with a bit of breathing space. I think as you aren’t together with the guy you should pretty much decide from a perspective of you being a totally single parent with zero input from him. Also as an expat (although not in nz) I would also say that accessing services and admin could be epic hard work, and even more so if you have no supportive or marital native spouse. If you stayed there would you qualify for healthcare cover? Even things like this can be a minefield; and there’s no guarantee either that your child will be given citizenship if the fathers native nationality isn’t acknowledged.. (I’m assuming you don’t hold nz nationality here.)

Best wishes whatever you decide to do. Either is a valid choice but it’s your choice & only yours. Don’t trust what he says as it may cost you very dear for a very long time Xoxox

I agree with everybody else that if you're not sure or you do want to have the baby that you need to leave asap.

I'm abroad with kids and have given birth to each abroad. I don't have family support (wouldn't in the U.K. either). It's SO much harder without the support, SO much harder abroad where you're not intimately familiar with how all the systems work (you know more than you realise about U.K. systems!) and coparent if with someone who a) doesn't have your back and b) isn't a committed parent = ridiculous amount of additional stress.

The idea of getting stuck there too is very, very real. It's happened to me. The feeling of not being able to choose to leave is one I'd advise everyone to stay well away from. If you go back to the U.K. and decide to have the baby, you can always visit, or move back if/when you want (as the child will have a NZ father the visa issues won't be as tough, I imagine). If you give birth there then you'll likely need his written permission to go on holiday to the U.K., as NZ is a party to The Hague Convention on Child Abduction. Without his permission he can claim you're abducting the child. This is a convention that is applied where I live too.

This can seem like somewhat irrelevant "details" when faced with your situation. The thing is, that we don't know what we don't know, and these "details" can massively impact the course of your life, opportunities, ability to see sick parents etc. You need to make an informed decision - whichever decision you make.

Good luck OP. Trust your gut. The only wrong decision is the one that's wrong for you.

If you think you may want the baby, go home. Don’t have it in NZ as you may be forced to stay there.

I would not have the baby either way.

Move back to the UK asap. If you don’t you could well be stuck there for the rest of your life. 18 years at least, and then you will be in the situation where it’s your child’s home and they won’t want to relocate to the UK at that point so you will have a difficult decision.

@sjxoxo

Agree with pp to move now. What is currently keeping you there? I wouldn’t have a baby on my own abroad.. I’m doing it with DH and it’s hard enough as it is! You don’t know what support he will give, even if he has good intentions now there’s no guarantee he will show up later when baby js here. In your position I would go back now and make the choice there with a bit of breathing space. I think as you aren’t together with the guy you should pretty much decide from a perspective of you being a totally single parent with zero input from him. Also as an expat (although not in nz) I would also say that accessing services and admin could be epic hard work, and even more so if you have no supportive or marital native spouse. If you stayed there would you qualify for healthcare cover? Even things like this can be a minefield; and there’s no guarantee either that your child will be given citizenship if the fathers native nationality isn’t acknowledged.. (I’m assuming you don’t hold nz nationality here.)

Best wishes whatever you decide to do. Either is a valid choice but it’s your choice & only yours. Don’t trust what he says as it may cost you very dear for a very long time Xoxox

Thank you. I was here originally just to travel but I got a job that I love and they sponsor me to stay. I do feel like I've got quite a settled life here but I never considered staying permanently and certainly never factored a baby in to the equation.

Once you have been in the country for more than two years, maternity care is free; this includes termination if I took this route.

On the baby's citizenship, I wasn't sure how this would work so I spoke to immigration about the process before I told the father; I wanted to know my options before I spoke to him. They confirmed that the baby would be a citizen as long as the father is on the birth certificate and provided evidence of his citizenship when we register the baby's birth. But, of course, this would require his cooperation so part of me is thinking what if I stay, have the baby and he changes his mind about being involved?! I could apply for permanent residency not but it wouldn't be finalised before the baby is born.

Move now. The best thing you can do for your baby is to offer stability and love. That is far easier for you to do in the UK.

100% move if you choose to have the baby. Yes, it's not ideal for the baby to be away from the dad, but at the same time it's not ideal to have a mother that feels trapped in a country without any family or even a partner.

Maybe the father will consider moving to the uk in the future

Easy one- move now. You want to have the baby and you want to be in the uk. If he wants to be involved he can find a way to come to the uk. The alternative is that you’re effectively forced to stay in Nz whether you want to or not.

If you are going to have the baby, move back to the U.K. asap. If the baby is born in NZ, you will not be able to take it out of the country for more than 3 weeks without the father’s consent (I travelled with a signed letter for 5 years when leaving the country with my child). You need to think about how your life will look for the next 18-20 years if this is the case.

I’m an expat and had my child in the U.K., it is very difficult as parents start to age and you can’t get there as much as you want. I was also quite settled with postgrad studies and work in London, but not being able to leave is a reality that doesn’t really hit you, until after the baby comes and you realise how stuck you are.

Could you not apply for NZ citizenship for your baby from the U.K.?

@Hermione101

If you are going to have the baby, move back to the U.K. asap. If the baby is born in NZ, you will not be able to take it out of the country for more than 3 weeks without the father’s consent (I travelled with a signed letter for 5 years when leaving the country with my child). You need to think about how your life will look for the next 18-20 years if this is the case.

I’m an expat and had my child in the U.K., it is very difficult as parents start to age and you can’t get there as much as you want. I was also quite settled with postgrad studies and work in London, but not being able to leave is a reality that doesn’t really hit you, until after the baby comes and you realise how stuck you are.

Could you not apply for NZ citizenship for your baby from the U.K.?

Yes, I could apply for NZ citizenship for the baby from the UK as long as the father cooperated

Thank you all so much for your responses!

It's so helpful to get objective advice. Friends and family would obviously have an agenda in terms of where they would want us to be so I haven't sought advice from them until I know what I want to do.

I think moving back to the UK or termination are my most feasible options. I don't think I'd properly considered the severity (and permanence) of having the baby in the UK and not being able to leave, so I'm really grateful for the advice.

I'm in NZ and I totally agree with everyone else. If you are going to have this child then you need to be in the UK not here.

If you have the baby here as a single parent it is unlikely that you are going to be able to afford to go back and visit family even if he allows you to go. Your chances of being stuck here for the next 18 years are super high. And given you are not in a relationship with this man it's almost a given that he won't be in your child's life long term no matter what he is saying now. This could end up a nightmare for you if you are unable to access any of our social services.