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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

Relocating with unborn baby

42 replies

EllaJ21 · 28/12/2021 17:04

Hi everyone!

I've recently found out that I'm pregnant. Just over 9 weeks. I'm 24 and live in New Zealand at the moment but I'm from the UK. The father of this child is from New Zealand and has no intention of relocating. However, I don't feel like I would be able to raise a baby here without the support of my family so have started to think of the possibility of moving back to the UK with the baby.

The father and I are not together. We never have been in a relationship, we're just friends but have slept together a few times and this happened unexpectedly (yes, we used contraception but it failed). We've discussed the possibility of termination (he would prefer this) and of having the baby (my preference), but the more we speak about it, the more I think it's really not feasible to have this baby.

The father has said that if I do decide to have the baby, he wants to be part of its life so I would never want to separate him from his child, but at the same time, I never planned on staying away permanently, I have no family here, I have some friends but we are all young and they are not at that stage of their life yet so I worry about how I will cope if I have the baby and stay here. My parents could visit maybe once a year max with the cost (Covid permitting).

I'm so confused. Any advice/what would you do?

OP posts:

Original poster

EllaJ21 · 28/12/2021 18:41

@EllaJ21

Thank you all so much for your responses!

It's so helpful to get objective advice. Friends and family would obviously have an agenda in terms of where they would want us to be so I haven't sought advice from them until I know what I want to do.

I think moving back to the UK or termination are my most feasible options. I don't think I'd properly considered the severity (and permanence) of having the baby in the UK and not being able to leave, so I'm really grateful for the advice.

*having the baby in NZ and not being able to leave

OP posts:

QueenJeanie · 28/12/2021 20:15

Move now or you'll be stuck in NZ

NynaeveSedai · 28/12/2021 20:17

Get back to the U.K. immediately. Do NOT have a baby there if you don't want to stay there for the rest of your life.

Rollercoasteryears · 28/12/2021 20:28

Completely agree with everyone else OP - and just to say I'm a family lawyer, so deal with relocation cases with children all the time and they're really tough. If you have the baby there, you may well be stuck there for 18 years - or even longer, if your then adult child considers it home and you can't leave emotionally. If you decide to have the baby, come back to the UK as soon as possible, so that this is their habitual residence on birth and you have your family to support you as a single mum.

sjxoxo · 28/12/2021 21:51

@EllaJ21 you say having him on the birth certificate would require cooperation from him- no, it requires massive massive massive cooperation from you.. for around 18 years maybe more! You hold the cards currently but if you have a baby there, and he is on the birth certificate, you are absolutely at his mercy, for a really really long time.
Something else I thought about after reading your post is that as you guys aren’t together, you don’t love this man- presumably that’s mutual if you aren’t in a couple- do you want to parent a child with him? Are you on the same page re parenting.. it’s hard enough when you’re in a committed relationship and know each other very well so I think you really can’t underestimate adding that challenge into the mix. It might be easier to do it alone without needing his input! I also think you absolutely shouldn’t trust anything he says now as he can say all kinds of promises now but if he’s on the birth certificate and you are in NZ with a new baby, straight away he holds all the cards & you are trapped. I’d advise extreme caution and do everything to protect yourself & nothing in the way of favours for him as he will have all the power once baby is born & if he’s on the birth certificate. Imagine even during covid for example- if baby born had been born in 2020, you stayed, he’s not supportive, he’s on birth certificate you legally cannot leave, no family visits, job working from home or worse made redundant etc. Honestly I’d take all steps to totally protect yourself & forget about him completely until baby arrives and then see what effort he’s prepared to put in, if you’re in the UK he can still participate (at great effort yes) but that’s what he’s asking you to do, and from a far far worse starting position, for a very very long time, with zero support or commitment. I think I’d come back to the Uk even to make a choice to be honest so you can get some breathing space Xo

Original poster

EllaJ21 · 29/12/2021 12:17

@Rollercoasteryears

Thank you so much for the advice. Do you know whether, if I did move home to the UK, any requirement for him to pay child support would be enforceable? Or would it just be best to write this off if he does refuse to pay. Because he wouldn't be in the UK, surely any UK court judgement wouldn't apply to him? Hope you don't mind me asking this but the info I'm seeing online is conflicting.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 29/12/2021 12:37

Run for the hills back to the UK!

RandomMess · 29/12/2021 12:52

I seem to think NZ has a reciprocal CMS agreement no idea how you check that though.

Suprima · 29/12/2021 13:19

Do not have this baby in NZ. Do not even consider it. Move now.

He may decide he wants to play dad, then courts can stop you from leaving and you will be trapped there.

If you want to have the baby- look after yourself and your baby. This man is not your partner.

JustKeepSwimmingJust · 29/12/2021 14:01

Even in NZ there are always ways for men to not pay. He can always just not work. And if he’s keen to support his child he will pay whether it is enforceable or not.

Original poster

EllaJ21 · 29/12/2021 14:04

@Suprima

Do not have this baby in NZ. Do not even consider it. Move now.

He may decide he wants to play dad, then courts can stop you from leaving and you will be trapped there.

If you want to have the baby- look after yourself and your baby. This man is not your partner.

You and previous posters are right; I won't be staying here to have the baby. It's too risky. Currently weighing up whether I'm ready to move home and be a single mum or stay for now and not continue with the pregnancy. If I decide the former, I'll be on a flight ASAP. Thanks again for all the advice. It's been so helpful.

OP posts:

katie119 · 29/12/2021 19:47

I agree with everyone else that having this baby in NZ isn't an option. You will be stuck there.

I was in a similar situation and ended up terminating. Wasn't an easy choice at all but you can only make the decision that's right for you at this moment in your life.

If you go home to have the baby, would you feel resentful or do you feel like you're done with NZ? Resources and support are really important factors but so is determining whether you feel that you are actually ready to halt the life that you have in NZ earlier than planned and move back to a completely different life.

SirVixofVixHall · 29/12/2021 19:51

OP if you want this baby, come home and have it.
Your body, your baby, your choice. Don’t stay there though. You will be in a much better position here.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/12/2021 21:33

Go back to the UK if you know you'll have a better support system there. Plus it will have the benefit of you being the sole 'decision maker' for the child. You will decide where to live, what schools to attend, and how you are going to raise the child.

Chances are, if he would prefer you to terminate, his 'involvement' with the child isn't going to be very much in practical terms. Most men who aren't enthusiastic at the thought of the coming child think of 'involvement' in terms of seeing their child when it works for them. Of being 'peripherally involved'. They certainly aren't thinking of 50/50 child custody and a reasonably 'healthy' maintenance payment.

If some miracle should arise and he suddenly decides you and the baby are the most important things in this world to him (he won't, so don't hold your breath) you can always evaluate your choices from the safety of your home country.

Original poster

EllaJ21 · 29/12/2021 23:23

Thank you all. I've decided I will definitely not stay in NZ and have the baby. I will either go home and have the baby or stay here and continue my life as it was. My career has just starting to take off here so I'm struggling with what to do. Staying here to have the baby has been completely eliminated as an option.

OP posts:

Original poster

EllaJ21 · 29/12/2021 23:24

@EllaJ21

Started*

OP posts:

HannahL22 · 30/12/2021 20:15

This is such a tricky situation to be in and I'm sorry you're having to deal with it.

I agree with the majority that leaving NZ if you want to have the baby is a must and you should go ASAP.

In terms of weighing up termination vs moving home to have the baby, personally, in your situation and at your age, I would not have the baby. Your life won't only be turned upside down by a new baby but also with the massive move from NZ to UK and putting a pause on your career. That being said, the baby would no doubt make it all worth it.

The only right decision is the one that's best for you right now. Go with your gut. It's an impossible choice but I'm wishing you all the best and I'm sure you'll make the right decision for you.x

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