Unexpectedly pregnant. Please hand hold.

[TwoPurpleChimps]

I have no one to speak to about this in real life, and would really appreciate a hand hold.

I found out yesterday that I am five weeks pregnant. DH and I have religiously used condoms, so this is a total shock.

I have three children already, two at primary school and one who has just started high school. My eldest is hard work and very demanding, and life is generally pretty hectic. We live in a rented house, without much space, and our financial situation is not great. My DH has two older children from a previous relationship. We've been together 13 years, married for 10.

I just do not know what to do. I'm 36 now, and while I know lots of people have babies at this age, I really thought my having babies days were over.

I'm so torn. I have googled non stop, and I know BPAS don't operate in my area and accessing my GP is nigh on impossible. How else can I access/discuss termination?

I would really appreciate any support or insight. As I say, I have no one I can discuss this with IRL and DH is very much "whatever you decide"... Though I know that he definitely didn't want more babies.

Oh help!

Handhold here, what a shock

I am not in the uk but isn’t there an association called marie stopes that provides terminations or advice on terminations. Also your DH needs a vasectomy pronto.

Best wishes

Hand hold here too. I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant earlier this year, although we knew our family wasn’t done yet there were a number of factors (space, finances, the fact I was only just emerging from a bad MH period that started with DC1) that meant it wasn’t good news. I can’t imagine how much harder it is when you’ve mentally drawn a line under expanding your family.

Could you maybe mention your region to see if any local MNers can signpost support? Irregardless of the decision you make, lack of access to services should not a factor in that.

Thank you both so much for replying. My head is in a spin and it's really reassuring to know that there are kind people out there!

@Dollywilde do you mind me asking what you decided to do in the end?

@Rainbowqueeen agreed on the vasectomy!!!

I just don't know if I have it in me to do it all over again, but a also terrified of having a termination and potentially regretting it later down the line.

I'm on the Isle of Wight.

Poor you :( I’d say don’t set too much store by circumstances that are out of your control. I know when you’re pregnant and you don’t want to be you want it sorted pronto and every day feels like race against time ... but you might have to accept that you’ll have to wait and even a few weeks is ok if you want a termination so take the pressure off. I would say try to visualise how you’ll feel with a new baby vs how you’ll feel once you have a termination. I thought I’d feel relieved and I did and I was. There’s a time pressure but there’s no rush x

OP I can’t help, but I am in an almost identical situation. I too found out I am unexpectedly pregnant. I have 3 DC the youngest is 14 months. I have a history of miscarriages, some of which have been very complicated, so I am in a mentally stressful situation where I am trying to get my head round this whole thing, while also worrying about miscarrying.

My DH’s immediate reaction was shock and almost ‘let’s get rid and move on’. He quickly realised though that there would be no moving on quickly and easily whatever happened, so we have decided to go forward with the pregnancy and see what happens.

I have absolutely no idea what it will be like, and sometimes I just think what the actual fuck?!

I must admit I’m also very embarrassed that I’ll have to go and tell people that I’m pregnant again. Jesus Christ!

But anyway, I did a lot of googling and it seems my reaction is not unusual!

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

You have choices OP, do what is right for your marriage, your children and most importantly, you.

There are a lot of helplines/ websites which will help you.
I considered it for my 4th child and managed to get an appointment at the clinic without seeing my gp as they had a doctor to sign it off there. Due to a complication I didn't end up having an abortion but found the process quite easy to navigate and a lot more common then I thought.
I wish you the best of luck whatever your decision... if your truly sure either way then I doubt you will regret it whatever the outcome.

www.iow.nhs.uk/Downloads/Patient%20Information%20Leaflets/Unplanned_Pregnancy-Your_Choices.pdf

www.eastcoweshealthcentre.co.uk/syndication/conditions/abortion

Otherwise, Portsmouth may be your nearest option?

Have a wee think about what you want to do.

Do you feel you'd like another child? I was 34 when my youngest was born and was fine.

I had four, I'd say three was no worse than four, but it's entirely your choice.

Good luck, whatever you do.

Thank you all for your helpful and kind replies. They are really helping.

@Goodbyeporpoisespit (love the name-brilliant film!) Thank you for that. You're right... I feel like I need to know immediately, but actually giving myself a day or 2 of space will do no harm. Thank you for the perspective.

@Luckystar1 thank you for sharing your story... I totally get what you mean about telling people! Good luck to you.

I'm still no closer to a decision. Its very much head VS heart, and I'm guessing I'll need a good chunk of therapy either way.

Can anyone tell me much about the practicalities of medical termination? I'm so frightened of what I might see.

I just filled a form in online for a telephone consultation. I feel so very sad.

I have three children. I found myself with a two year old, 1 year old and a shock pregnancy at 45. I was already an ‘older’ mum having my children at 42 and 43 but my third pregnancy was a huge shock. I think I might have slept through that conception. 😀

I was living in a one bed flat with DP and two children. I’d been made redundant and so had DP. We were in a terrible financial position, the worst I’d ever been in. I tore myself in bits trying to force myself to have an abortion. I had a consultation at BPAS and then two further appts to have the abortion but I couldn’t do it.

We’re now three years on and at the old age of 48 I have children aged 6,5 and 3 and I look at my third child all the time and I’m so thankful I couldn’t go through with it.

Life can sometimes throw huge curve balls. Whatever you decide will be the goth decision for you.

I’m sorry bloody auto correct that should have said whatever you decide will be the right decision for you.

OP- I know its your decision, but what your does partner feel about this? Write out a list of pros and cons and think about things between you. Ultimately its your decision and body, but in my case, I included my partner through every step.

I used to work in a gynae area and also had a termination due to medical reasons. This is my experience of medication termination which I might help you.

• Once the vaginal pills are in, wear those giant, night pads and comfy bloomers. Ideally, keep lying down for at least an hour after insertion.
• Some people feel nauseous, might vomit and get diarrhoea. It can also cause a sudden fever and flushed face. This is not an allergic reaction, but just a side effect of the medications used, and will pass quickly- usually within the hour. Paracetamol helps with pain and the fever/flushing
• When you next visit the loo, you might see part of a pill come out, a whole pill or a white paste when wiping. Even if a whole pill comes out- it will still work.
• Paracetamol and codeine help and are safe to use, but ibuprofen and aspirin based analgesia is not recommended.
• I found walking about/moving helped with pain and to open the uterus
• That was my 1st pregnancy, but as you've had 3 previously, often the uterus will open quicker
• I assumed as I was nearly 12 weeks, it would be horrendous in terms of pain. I was only given paracetamol for my beetroot red face and nothing stronger. The pain and cramps were bad, but bareable and the acute phase (when your uterus is opening) wasn't long.
• I've since had an MC at 9 weeks and another at 7. The 7 week MC was painfree and as a very general rule, the less gestation you are, the less uncomfortable it is. Again, as you've had children (assuming they were vaginal delivery previously?) the pain and contractions are far reduced compared to full term birth.
• You may leak milk afterwards, but don't express or encourage this.

Sorry this is long, but these are just some of the things I wished I'd been told were normal. If you have questions, just ask

Oh this was me on my birthday May this year. Realised I’d had a small bleed the previous Friday but nothing since. Periods were still a mess as was breastfeeding my 9 month old, but said I’d test “just to be sure”. Nothing could of prepared me for the bright bright blue positive line that showed up before the control line.

OH automatically said we can’t do this. We have 2 kids and he had categorically said he didn’t want anymore after our youngest. I was disappointed, but had started to make peace with it so wasn’t expecting this. He freaked out, I freaked out, it was a mess. We had a “surprise” for our first but suffered secondary infertility trying for our second and it took 2.5 years to conceive our second, so never did I think we’d be caught out again. It’s a horrible and scary feeling.

Please take some time with your partner to be sure about what you want to do. You’ve mentioned about being worried about regretting going through with a termination; if this is the route you’re going to go down you need to be absolutely 100% sure this is the right decision for you. You’re only 5 weeks, time is on your side at this stage. Take that time to make sure you’re comfortable with whatever decision you make. Best of luck x

Thanks everyone.

@Hairyfriend I really appreciate your factual insught. Thank you. I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriages.

I feel like such an ungrateful cow. I have some close friends and a family member really struggling to get pregnant, and here's me with 3, and ungrateful for this one!

I don't know if /how it's possible to come to a decision and be 100% sure either way.

I'm staying with family for Christmas, so think I'm just going to allow myself the next 3 days for breathing space... Though it doesn't help that the symptoms are ramping up!

I guess it's just a case of making the least worst decision?

Hi OP, how are you feeling now? Still torn? I was in a similar position a year and a half ago & felt exactly the same - neither decision was right, just two wrongs.

I had 2 children under 3 and couldn’t believe I was pregnant again! I was barely coping with 2 in lockdown, how could I possibly cope with 3?

Well… the reality of 3 children has not been one bit as bad as I’d imagined.

1 - I made the decision I couldn’t terminate. I did not want to do that.
2 - I told people, family, friends… (I had been nervous about this.)

After that I actually started to get excited for this surprise baby… I had been utterly devastated when I found out I was pregnant and now the best decision I ever made was continuing.

Obviously you may decide differently and that of course is totally fine, I just thought I would tell you
my experience. All the best with what ever you choose to do

Much the same as above. I also found out a year ago I was pregnant with 4th. In total shock, had literally started a new job that month after not working for three years with other kids. Really did not want to be pg.
Anyway, like other posters said I tore myself apart trying to have a termination. Went to BPAS, nurses were lovely. Counsellor was less helpful. In the end after both attempts I left the clinic and couldn’t go thru with it.

I then had to tell people, and once I did that it helped and became easier like the other poster said. A lot of the anxiety was in my head about what people would say…and although there were some annoying comments, that’s all they were.

One year later, I have a lovely seven month old. It’s not easy, and life will be trickier in many ways, but he’s gorgeous, and I feel sad that I felt so worried about his arrival. 4 kids is not straightforward, but it’s also so far not been horrendous, and seeing older ones with young baby is cute.

Either way I think being in the moment and feeling enormous pressure to make a decision in a tight time frame is really tricky. Once you have made a decision, I think it does get easier. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Thank you @Mincepiebelly do you mind me asking what your age gaps are please?

Of course, I had a 7, 5 and 3 when pregnant. Now 8, 6 and 4 and 7 months.

I was 40, which also worried me. But actually hasn’t been that different from being pg previously in terms of blood pressure or other complications and in fact I was sent home the same day I had my 4th, from hospital.

@TwoPurpleChimps hope you are ok x
I am in an almost identical situations.
Found out I'm pregnant today. My other kids are 13,12,7. We are in a great stage with them where they are less hard work and we have more independence. We are shocked. Dp (other children's dad also) leaning towards termination. I am going back and forth between both. I'm scared :(

Oh @oopswhatdoido

You could be me. That is exactly the same scenario . It's so tough isn't it. One moment I'm adamant I need to terminate, and the next moment I'm all for it. I don't even really understand my own thought processes to be honest.

How many weeks are you? I hope you're doing OK.