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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

Partner does not want our baby

32 replies

whattodo333 · 15/12/2021 07:09

Hi everyone, have nc for this. Here is some background for context -
My partner and I both have 2 DC each from previous relationships, all primary school age. Partner is older (46). Recently found out I am pregnant, about 7 weeks. All very shocked as I was on the pill. Well I must be the most fertile person ever because it turned out to be paternal twins, but it looks like one no longer has a heartbeat. The problem I'm facing is my partner does not want this baby. At least that's how it comes across. Every time we discuss things he lays out all the reasons why it would be a horrible idea. Examples of this are - health reasons (I've just been told I have gestational diabetes again, and I have a history of haemorrhaging during/after childbirth etc), his age (he doesn't want to be well into his sixties when the child potentially leaves home), money (he earns a decent wage but mine is minimal due to only being part time, plus rent snd cost of living is only going up and up), space in the house, how it would affect the DC, doesn't want to bring a child into a Covid world, basically any reason you can think of he has thrown at me. I've tried reassuring him that we would cope money-wise (who can afford kids really? We just manage don't we?), health-wise obviously I have zero control of this, but I'm already high risk for Covid due to having diabetes in the past, so that seems like a moot argument to me. But everything I suggest he just bats straight back at me and it's like having a conversation with a brick wall. When I've asked him outright 'do you want to terminate then?' he can't give me an answer. He just says 'I don't know, I don't know what to do', what can I even say to that? Sorry this is a bit of a ramble but I'm just so confused with what to do. I'm not expecting anyone to give me the answer of course, I just wondered if anyone else had been through this and how it turned out for you? Any help would be appreciated

OP posts:

UntilBubleSings · 15/12/2021 07:11

Sounds like an awful choice to have to make. Could you cope as a single parent?

Bohemond · 15/12/2021 07:16

Those all sound like sensible reasons not to go ahead - sorry.

MadeForThis · 15/12/2021 07:20

You need to focus on what YOU want. But you need to be aware that he is likely to walk away.

Don't make the decision based on him.

Do you want another baby? Would you be happy to be a single mother?

LefttoherownDevizes · 15/12/2021 07:22

I have to safe I wouldn't go ahead, but that is not especially helpful for you.

BPAS offers genuine non judgmental pre abortion counseling that could help, they're used more information here www.bpas.org/contact-us/book-an-appointment/

Be careful contacting many others, they're often a front for anti-abortion charities.

I would agree with PP saying could you be a single parent. Whilst no one can force you to abort equally you can't force your partner to stay either, if he is that opposed.

Good luck with whatever you decide

SW1amp · 15/12/2021 07:23

How serious is the haemorrhaging risk?

I would be thinking carefully about the impact on my existing children if there was a serious risk I might not survive another birth…

Rainbowqueeen · 15/12/2021 07:24

He wants you to bring up abortion so he doesn’t look like the bad guy. Why on earth hasn’t he had a vasectomy like every decent guy of his age who doesn’t want more kids.

Take some time and figure out what you want.

Querty123456 · 15/12/2021 07:25

Having been in a similar situation recently my only advice is don’t get rid of the baby to please him.

Constance1 · 15/12/2021 07:27

None of what he says is unreasonable, and it’s not like you were both taking a known risk as it was a contraception failure. So if you go ahead prepare to be a single mother. How old are your other children? I think I’d base my decision on what impact having a baby would have on them - would it lower their quality of life? And the risks to your health sound like a big deal too. Honestly, in your position I wouldn’t go ahead, but I think if you didn’t want to go ahead you’d already know that. Good luck with whatever you decide.

ANameChangeAgain · 15/12/2021 07:33

He left all the responsibility to you, contraception and now the consequences of contraception failure. The next step now for him is to get a vasectomy.
Its totally your decision, but you are in a very vulnerable position, both as an unmarried mother of 2 + baby financially, and health wise.
Can your childrens' father take responsibility of your children if the worst happens?

PinkTonic · 15/12/2021 07:46

The reasons not to go ahead are very sound, and to be diagnosed with gestational diabetes so early in pregnancy is exceptional. You didn’t decide to have a child at this point and since you already have 4 children between you they are the priority.

Contactmap · 15/12/2021 07:49

You need to focus on what YOU want.
That is really bad advice. She needs to focus on what is best for the already existing children, not her selfish "wants".

Original poster

whattodo333 · 15/12/2021 07:51

Thanks for the responses everyone. I agree that his reasons are very sound, and like you say the risks are high and I do have to think of my other children. I've been a single parent before, and that was hard even with lots of support. I'm miles away from friends and family so I wouldn't have that this time. I have discussed abortion with Marie stopes' helpline and they have said ultimately it's my choice. I feel guilty thinking of abortion but I have to think rationally and not emotionally I suppose. Thanks for all your help x

OP posts:

GrazingSheep · 15/12/2021 07:55

Hope it works out for you

Chocaholic9 · 15/12/2021 07:57

The risk of hemorraging would give me serious pause. I'm sorry you're in this situation, OP.

Quartz2208 · 15/12/2021 08:01

Oh OP I feel for you because this is a very difficult choice to make and one that I think needs you to get some support (maybe ring helpline again) and also I think to discuss with your partner with both of you looking at the situation the high risk nature and how it would work.

Because it sounds like you are both confused as to what to do and there is no right or wrong answer here just a difficult choice

Iwonder08 · 15/12/2021 08:02

Don't think about your partner, think about your existing children. If there are health risks for you then you are risking leaving them without their mum with no full time father either.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/12/2021 08:08

You’ve only known 3 weeks and you’ve already got GD and both know how high risk this could be. He should have had a vasectomy or used condoms but it’s still understandable he’s reeling. It’s not something you’ve planned and I agree his reasons are sound.

How do you feel about continuing the pregnancy if you never see him again and face all of the risks on your own?

Who can help care for your children if you get really ill?

How do you feel about staying in the relationship if you terminate? Will you be able to live with it if you blame him?

Contactmap · 15/12/2021 08:12

He should have had a vasectomy or used condoms but it’s still understandable he’s reeling.
There are two of them who should have used condoms not one.

Original poster

whattodo333 · 15/12/2021 08:17

That's the problem, if I was alone I'd be screwed if things go wrong and so would my kids. We both know the sensible option, it's just the guilt and other emotions that make us question it. I have asked him about vasectomy many times and he's never been willing. I've asked my gp to have my tubes tied several times but I've always been told I'm too young, which I think is silly reasoning really. The diabetes are definitely a problem, struggling to control sugar levels already and that does worry me.

OP posts:

HeartsAndClubs · 15/12/2021 08:25

Ultimately as it’s your pregnancy you’re the one who needs to make the decision.

However you cannot make this decision in isolation as there are other children to consider here.

If you die in childbirth is their father involved so they could live with him?

I disagree with those who criticise the partner for not using contraception, the OP wasn’t either, and I am always a bit when people criticise the man for not wanting another baby but a woman is perfectly entitled to hold the same views.

And this isn’t just about you being a single parent to 3 children instead of 2. If you die in childbirth then your partner wouldn’t be keeping your existing two children, they would go to their father or wherever else, whereas your baby would presumably stay with your partner and your children’s family would be split up.

Going through a termination is a very personal choice, but continuing with this pregnancy would potentially be fraught with problems in the longer term.

LowlyTheWorm · 15/12/2021 08:29

Can you get an appointment to discuss the management of your pregnancy? As in the plan for managing the risk of bleeding (you mentioned previous bleeds- did they get worse? Was there a reason given etc? They’d have had matched units etc) and what about the GD? It’s highly unusual for this to start so early- so are you actually pre-diabetic? If so- lifestyle changes would be beneficial and improve your blood sugars etc.
What I’m saying is that several of the issues are out of your control and several are within your control… see what you can do with the issues in your control and get all the info you can to make your decision.
At he end of the day it has to b a decision you can life with and I don’t know if head or heart will win…there is no wrong choice though. Only the wrong one for you. I suspect you know on one level what that is- and I urge you to listen to yourself.

Original poster

whattodo333 · 15/12/2021 08:43

@HeartsAndClubs

Ultimately as it’s your pregnancy you’re the one who needs to make the decision.

However you cannot make this decision in isolation as there are other children to consider here.

If you die in childbirth is their father involved so they could live with him?

Going through a termination is a very personal choice, but continuing with this pregnancy would potentially be fraught with problems in the longer term.

I was on contraception, it clearly did not work. And by god knows what chance I must've released two eggs and both were fertilised. Just for context

OP posts:

TreborBore · 15/12/2021 08:43

I hope you can come to the right choice for you.

Your partner’s inability to be practical about contraception would be a red flag for me, given the consequences for your health on being pregnant. Is he a decent guy otherwise?

TreborBore · 15/12/2021 08:43

Oh sorry, just seen your update x

Constance1 · 15/12/2021 09:36

@TreborBore

I hope you can come to the right choice for you.

Your partner’s inability to be practical about contraception would be a red flag for me, given the consequences for your health on being pregnant. Is he a decent guy otherwise?

I think that’s a little unfair, when I’ve been on the pill I have never doubled up on contraception. And yes he could have had a vasectomy but as far as he knew there was currently sufficient contraception in place. I don’t think OP’s partner has really done anything wrong here, and neither has the OP.

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