I cant believe I'm writing this

[Shocked33]

I'm in my mid thirties, married to a supportive husband. Both have good jobs, own a really lovely home, financially ok-ish.

We have 3 children. An older child, a preschooler and a 10mo baby.

Between the older child and preschooler we had multiple miscarriages, and 2 ectopic pregnancies.

We were about to start IVF after a break from ttc when we conceived the preschooler.

We then naturally conceived our youngest child and were delighted, small age gap but just amazed as I was told I would never conceive naturally again.

During that Pregnancy I nearly died. I got a very rare drug reaction and have been left partially disabled. This will likely be life long and I do require surgery too. I current cannot work, and had mapped out a future career.

It was all life changing,but it was okay it was a new path. I had accepted it.

I am on the pill. We have slept together once. I'm pregnant.

I'm about 5 weeks, not sure what even made me test.

DH does not want this baby. I think this will break our marriage no matter which way we go.

I've booked bpas who want to scan me. I don't think mentally I can handle that.

13 years ago I was bullied into a termination by an ex partner. I am Irish, so was living in at home. He was my world and I thought he was the one.

He threw 500 euro at me and told me to go. He dropped me at the airport, I took the tablets and lost the baby in a hotel room on my own. It was horrific, I won't go into details but the pain and what I saw was awful. I have lived with regret, shame and guilt ever since. He picked me up from the airport and never a word was said about it again, apart from him commenting I had blood on my trousers and I was therefore an embarrassment.

I don't know if I can do that again, but again I nearly died last time. Our parents would be horrified, I don't think DH would leave me, he would be supportive it would be very difficult to ever return home to Ireland.

I'm flicking through my phone book and there is absolutely no one I can speak to about this.

I always said I would never ever be in this position again. The pill was taken right as its in a dosset box of my medication which is currently 32 tablets a day for this life changing and life limiting condition.

Can I ask what you would do please?

Oh bugger. There really is no right answer. Personally? I would take the tablets. Because it would be right for ME, no one else.
Only you can make the final decision, but please think of your own health, both physical and mental x

Get pregnancy counseling at BPAS. And make the right choice for you.

I'm disabled due to a chronic neuro condition. 2 children with ex husband snd in a lovely new relationship. I would love to be able to give him a child but the fact is that a pregnancy would be very dangerous for me, and I made the decision a while ago that if I became pregnant again, I would terminate, for the sake of my existing children - they have to be my focus. I know, though, that faced with the reality of it it would be so so difficult.

You can only do what is right for you and your family. I'm so sorry you're facing this. Here for a hand hold.

There is absolutely no reason why anybody apart from your husband and medical people involved need to know anything about this. So what your family thinks should not be an issue. I don't know what I would do in your position. But 5 weeks is very early so if I was going to have a termination I would have it asap.

OP no advice but bpas won't show you the scan. I had an abortion a few years ago with them and I was treated well.

I've no advice but you won't be shown the scan. It's just to check how far along you are as sometimes it changes how you can abort (pills vs surgically)
They'll just double check the dates and then they'll talk to you about your options.

I think if there was even a small chance you could die with another pregnancy, you should terminate. Your children you have now need you and you shouldn't jeopardise that.

What would I do? I would have an abortion and I wouldn’t even think twice about it.

But that is very much not the same thing as what you should do.

I've had so many early scans, I know what will be on that screen.

If there is a heartbeat it's going to break my heart and I need to know for my own sake.

I said I'd never do this again, I've done everything I can to not be in this position.

DH really doesn't want to do the baby stage again, he was meant to have a vasectomy (I wasn't sure) but then I got poorly.

We would really have to cut our cloth accordingly, we can't fit in the car as it is really.

I have always been hugely ambitious and career focused, I've just lost one career and wanted to try and get another.

I feel totally isolated, I feel I need to speak.

DH is very matter of fact, black and white, yes or no he doesn't get emotion. He's really lacking compassion with this

How many times have we been for scans and prayed for a heartbeat and gone home and wept.

I suppose if it was the tablets without the scan maybe I could just about handle it.

I feel for you so much OP, but I wouldn’t continue the pregnancy in those circumstances. Have the chat with BPAS, see if they can reassure you about the scan procedure

Oh OP, such an awful situation.

No one can tell you what to do, only you know what is best for your body, your family, your future.

We're near to listen. You can speak to us. We are listening, and will support either way.

Is your medication even compatible with being pregnant.

It's an awful awful situation for you.

Apologies, you didn't ask for emotional stuff. You asked what I would do, and not that it would make a difference to you, but I would with much regret, terminate.

I would see the pregnancy as risky for me, and therefore too much of a risk. And obviously your situation is particularly difficult.

Gosh op, sounds so difficult for you, especially after the trauma you have had in the last. Nobody needs to know about this apart from your husband and health care professional. I'm sorry you have no one to talk to in real life.
Just something I noticed - you say you take 32 tablets a day - could one of them interacted with the pill? Might just be worth checking with your GP before you rely on it again.

How many times have we been for scans and prayed for a heartbeat and gone home and wept

I totally understand how this feels. But you're not at all in the situation you were that time. I think you do know what you want to do but you need to process it and think about your thought process.

You might not need a scan if you are sure of your dates. With pills by post, they are happy to send the pills if you are certain of your dates (and I imagine you are if you only had sex once).

I didn't require a scan for a termination at 7 weeks.

In this situation, I think you need to think about the children you have already. If it's really as dangerous to your health as it sounds, then I think you need to focus on that. Your life is important too.

No-one can really give you the answers here OP. We can all say what we would do in the same situation, but we’re not you, and we’re not the ones who have to live with the decision.

From a personal perspective I had always said I would never terminate a pregnancy. But then I was diagnosed with a life-limiting condition, and while I haven’t had to make such a decision I know that if I fell pregnant I would terminate without question.

Is it worth speaking to your consultant wrt the risks to both you and the baby, to you from the pregnancy, and the baby from the medication you’re having to take?

I think its even worse as it is the festive period.

I dont know how we would manage.

But again I don't know how I would manage a termination, I have only just got my mental health sorted by private intensive therapy.

They have to do a scan due to my previous ectopic apparently

I just can't go to a scan and not look.

The thing clouding it all is I am so so so tired one of our children is the worst sleeper in the world.

I'm a sahm at the moment and I honestly just can't even think, my head is spinning. We are due relatives to stay to Tuesday week, even worse.

I don't know what to suggest but I do think you need professional help and counselling to separate out the awful, awful experience you had before, and the relationship you are now in. Please consider contacting a pro choice organisation who can help you reach your own conclusion. What happened last time was dreadful and not your fault. This time doesn't have to be the same. You should consider putting your health first here though.

If I was you , I'd terminate.
You can have a screen in front of the scan so you don't have to look.
It will be very different from last time , you'll be at home with your husband as support.
It sounds dangerous for you to be pregnant.

Also , sort out his vasectomy asap.

I think its even worse its the festive period.

We have family coming to stay Tuesday week, making it even worse and I feel.totally under pressure.

I had a relative find out about my previous termination and she created a whole campaign of hate against me, baby murderer etc and ringing social service regularly.on me after my first baby (luckily my family were supportive but totally against termination)

The whole situation here goes totally against my values and beliefs, but there seems no great outcome either way. I've only just got my mental health under control after intense private therapy.

I cannot see my marriage surviving this whatever happens.

OP, I'm so sorry. I had a situation once where my partner pushed me to abort when I didn't want to. It was hellish. That man in your past is an utter bastard.

As for now, I find it a bit odd that your dp is more worried about the baby stage than your health, which seems the main concern. Not great of him.

It sounds a little bit like you're tempted to 'go all in' for motherhood with a fourth child, now that your career is shot anyway because of your health. I think I've seen this before - formerly very career focused women filling their lives with children when parenting messes up their career prospects.

I'm not sure what if anything follows if this dynamic is at play. Just thought it might be worth pointing out as a data point. I hope you find a solution that preserves your relationship. It sounds like you have done amazingly well to get this far.

It's not clear to me whether pregnancy is actually in itself a serious threat to your health given your existing condition; or rather that, given the huge complication you had last time and the lasting consequences for you, you had reasonably decided definitely not to have another. Will pregnancy make your condition worse? Honestly in your situation I don't think I would be able to terminate unless the pregnancy posed a very serious and direct threat to me. But I think I would be facing the same dilemma re my husband / feeling like the marriage might fail either way. Can you arrange some emergency counselling for you and your husband together?

@ThreeLocusts

OP, I'm so sorry. I had a situation once where my partner pushed me to abort when I didn't want to. It was hellish. That man in your past is an utter bastard.

As for now, I find it a bit odd that your dp is more worried about the baby stage than your health, which seems the main concern. Not great of him.

It sounds a little bit like you're tempted to 'go all in' for motherhood with a fourth child, now that your career is shot anyway because of your health. I think I've seen this before - formerly very career focused women filling their lives with children when parenting messes up their career prospects.

I'm not sure what if anything follows if this dynamic is at play. Just thought it might be worth pointing out as a data point. I hope you find a solution that preserves your relationship. It sounds like you have done amazingly well to get this far.

This, DH is very hard, tough and matter of fact about these things. All I got was he hates the baby stage and I nearly died last time so why is this even an issue.... why is it emotional.

I am very big on women can have it all, I had my new career mapped out, it wasn't anything that couldn't be passed.

DH just keeps asking what I want and the truth is 'I just dont know' that doesn't appear to be a good enough answer because I must know what I want to do, I'm dragging it out, playing mind games etc (he's under alot of pressure at work) and I'd say almost military when it comes scenario's like this he can remove emotion but he can't see why other people can't do this.

So I can only speak through writing because when we start talking I feel like I'm being shouted at and dictated to and It takes me back (he knows this) he says he's not shouting but I absolutely clam up.

He says it's not a time for 'now now there there'