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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

My boyfriend wants me to have an abortion

34 replies

babybadger25 · 16/11/2021 19:26

Hi, sorry, I know this can be a triggering subject for some people but I’m struggling a bit and don’t have anyone to talk to.
For context, I’m 25 and my boyfriend is 29. We’re both self employed and in the process of getting our businesses to the stage of providing a full time wage, in the meantime we are staying with family while we save up to buy a house, we have a deposit saved and need to make sure we are in a stable position before buying.
This pregnancy was unplanned and we found out when I was 7 weeks. For the first week we were both in the mindset that we would go through with it and make it work but after we’d known for a week the pressure started to get too much for my boyfriend and he said he wanted me to have an abortion, I said I was unsure and that the thought had crossed my mind but I thought that was normal. He was getting more stressed and said that he didn’t want to go through with the pregnancy at all and that it would be selfish of me to go through with it and that it would be trapping him and forcing him into something he didn’t want. He didn’t seem to be getting how difficult a decision this was for me. He was getting really angry with me for not being able to make a decision and kept on telling me how naive I was for thinking that we would be able to have a baby at this point in our lives. I took some time away to think about it and I still can’t decide what to do. Since I have come back, my boyfriend is still sure that he doesn’t want to go through with the pregnancy but he has now said he will support me whatever I decide to do. I just feel that since I know he doesn’t want to go through with it, I just won’t be able to get that out of my head and will feel that he resents me for keeping it and since I’m not even 100% sure that I want to keep it then I should just have an abortion.
I am 12 weeks today and have an abortion booked for when I’m 14 weeks, I still don’t know whether I want to go through with it or not but I am starting to feel more pregnant which is just making my decision more difficult.

OP posts:

mayblossominapril · 16/11/2021 19:33

If you want to keep the baby keep the baby.
If it’s money you are worried about look into what you would be entitled to. Child benefit, maternity allowance for 9 months. UC for rent, topping up income and child care. Maintenance from him.
The first few years are hard due to lack of time to work if you don’t use childcare from a yomping age but as a child gets a bit older it’s not difficult to juggle self employment around the child care.
I suspect the relationship will be over whatever you decide to do and unfortunately.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 16/11/2021 19:35

Do you want to have children? With him?
Only terminate if you don't want a child now. Not for him.

littlebigtiger · 16/11/2021 19:39

Have the baby, as long as you'd be ok raising it as a single parent.

He may choose to have little involvement, as many men do in this situation.

dchange · 16/11/2021 19:46

Key question. Do you want the baby? Then go ahead. What he thinks don't matter. If he really did not want a baby he should have taken all precautionary measures. Would have understood if younger, but you guys are real adults to me. Wish you all the best xx

MintJulia · 16/11/2021 19:48

Your body, your choice, always.

You're 25, you aren't a teenager and you'll cope, especially as you work for yourself.

I agree with PP, your relationship is probably over so you need to be sure you make your decision on the basis of being a single mum.

greendiva · 16/11/2021 19:56

It's good he has calmed down, and realised it's your decision. I don't agree the relationship is over, as he has said he'll support you whatever you decide. It's one of the hardest decisions, having a child in your current circumstances would be difficult, but not impossible. He has said some hurtful things and you might also want to consider if you can move on from those.

Original poster

babybadger25 · 16/11/2021 19:58

thank you for your replies! Yeah, money is something that’s concerning me but I know I’d be able to manage with additional help. Also, I have a very supportive family who I know would be more than willing to help with childcare in order for me to do work. I suppose the fact that it is likely that the relationship will be over either way is one of the things bothering me, we’ve been together 7 years and have always spoken about having kids, we’re just not where we had planned to be before starting a family. My hormones are all over the place and I’m just struggling to make a decision either way 😩
I agree with the fact that it would have been different if we were younger, it’s bothering me a lot more that it’s at this point in my life where I feel we should be at a place where this is a happy accident, not the huge problem it is at the moment.
I have moments where I’m adamant I want the baby then times when I think an abortion would be for the best as I don’t know if I’d want to keep my boyfriend in my life and co-parent if we do split up.
I had never wanted to be a single parent but I also never thought this would be my boyfriend’s reaction so I’m just struggling a lot more with all the conflicting thoughts in my head.

OP posts:

rubbleonthedoub · 16/11/2021 19:58

I have been in your situation u expectedly pregnant and the father didn't necessarily want me to continue with the pregnancy but left it up to me. There was never any other real choice for me other than having my DD. Her father and I aren't together but I can honestly say she is the best thing in my life. It's a different life than it was before and the it's exhausting but I adore her and wouldn't have it any other way. I have had 4 serious relationships as an adult but they mean nothing in comparison to my daughter.

Original poster

babybadger25 · 16/11/2021 20:01

@greendiva yeah, I know he would support me and would always want to be part of his child’s life but some of the things he has said to me has really hurt and I don’t know how to get past them. When he is angry/stressed he says a lot of things that he says he doesn’t mean/says he can’t remember saying after he has calmed down but they always stick with me and I always feel that what he says to me when he is calm isn’t how he truly feels and that the things he says in the heat of the moment are his true feelings. It’s just very confusing!

OP posts:

rubbleonthedoub · 16/11/2021 20:10

I think the point is regardless of how he feels it doesn't make it okay for him to say horrible things to you. I tell my DD all the time just because you are angry doesn't mean you get to behave poorly. How we treat people matters and you can't just say sorry and hope to make it ok. I bet he doesn't speak to his customers / clients other important people in his life like that when he is in bad form. In many ways his behaviour is such a worse problem than you dealing with the pregnancy. You clearly have a helpful and close family. Oh and I co parent with my DD father it's not easy or uncomplicated but we make it work.

Original poster

babybadger25 · 16/11/2021 20:10

@rubbleonthedoub I know that I would love my child more than anything, I just also want to make sure I can provide the best life possible and I’m not sure I could at the moment and had always hoped I would be with someone who was willing to do it together.
I also can’t help feeling so guilty as I know there are so many women who are desperate for children and would kill to be in my position. There are just so many different emotions going through my mind that I feel like whatever decision I make will be the wrong one 😭

OP posts:

rubbleonthedoub · 16/11/2021 20:11

Maybe you should ring the family planning clinic and ask to speak to an advisor to help you with your decision. Your body, your life, your choice

Original poster

babybadger25 · 16/11/2021 20:12

@rubbleonthedoub 100%, I agree and don’t think that being angry is any excuse. I suppose I’m just always the easy target because he is too much of a ‘people pleaser’ to snap like that at anyone else.

OP posts:

Lovelymincepies · 16/11/2021 20:14

I think you will hugely regret an abortion from how you have spoken on here.
Have your baby, it will be fine.

Morechocmorechoc · 16/11/2021 20:21

Agree with Lovely, you can generally tell with the writing in these types of posts when the person will regret an abortion. Sounds very much like you want this baby deep down. 14 weeks is quite far and you will see the scan. Your bf sounds like he will make it work. 7 years is a long time. Either way you will cope.

Tillymintpolo · 16/11/2021 20:22

Not his choice

Graceymac99 · 16/11/2021 20:44

I was in your position once many years ago and my partner at the time pushed me to terminate the pregnancy which I did. It was a decision that I really struggled with at the as I didn’t want to go through with it but I felt I wouldn’t be able to manage on my own. I deeply regretted making that choice and now I have children I see what I gave up. Choose what you feel is right, don’t be pushed into doing anything you don’t want to do.

greendiva · 16/11/2021 20:48

I had a termination, very early on, because I knew financially, and emotionally/physically didn't have the resources for the pregnancy. It was the hardest decision I ever made, I also already have children. It took a while to fully get over it, but I am happy with the decision, it was the right one for me and the rest of our family. It makes no sense to feel guilty to consider an abortion because other women can't have children. If it's not the right time for you, and you're not worried about your fertility that's ok. Your boyfriend's way of dealing with conflict is worrying, calling names when there's a problem between you is normal, (even if it is for him in some families). Bigger picture for when you have processed your decision. Big huge hugs, I know how hard it is and it's clear you're not going into it lightly if that's your decision.

greendiva · 16/11/2021 20:50

*isn't normal

FlowerArranger · 16/11/2021 20:54

He was getting more stressed and said that he didn’t want to go through with the pregnancy at all and that it would be selfish of me to go through with it and that it would be trapping him and forcing him into something he didn’t want. He didn’t seem to be getting how difficult a decision this was for me. He was getting really angry with me for not being able to make a decision and kept on telling me how naive I was for thinking that we would be able to have a baby at this point in our lives

One positive thing about this heartbreaking situation is that you now know who he really is. Just imagine, you might have stayed with him for years to come!

You don't sound like you want to have a termination. Obviously this is not the same as actually wanting to have a child, but the fact that you have been tormenting yourself about making a decision for FIVE weeks suggests you are simply not in the right frame of mind to go through with your booked abortion. You'll be 14 weeks into the pregnancy - that's quite far advanced...

HelloDulling · 16/11/2021 21:00

Do you want to be a single mum? Self employed (so no mat leave) and living with family?

I know I absolutely wouldn’t.

Dontgetyerknicksinatwist · 16/11/2021 21:02

I’d keep the baby and say goodbye to the boyfriend.

mayblossominapril · 16/11/2021 21:27

@HelloDulling

Do you want to be a single mum? Self employed (so no mat leave) and living with family?

I know I absolutely wouldn’t.

You get maternity when you are self employed 9 months of £150ish a week. It’s called maternity allowance and is dependent on your payment of class 2 NI. If you haven’t paid enough NI they give you the option to pay it to qualify for maternity allowance. You get 10 kits days as well and there’s nothing to stop someone’s else running your business (and you as the owner still making a profit) whilst you are on maternity leave. I have done this twice

Sidehustle99 · 16/11/2021 22:02

@babybadger25

You need to do what's right for you. Don't be bullied into making a decision you don't want to either way. Can you try to arrange a counselling session through your GP before the appointment to help you get some clarity?

To be honest your DP doesn't sound very nice. Some of your comments about his behaviour sound borderline abusive - hard to say without more information. I hope you can see some of that?

What ever you decide, I wish you well

Original poster

babybadger25 · 16/11/2021 22:10

Thank you all for your replies! Yeah, the fact that I will be 14 weeks at the appointment is something that is playing on my mind a lot, it seems very far on and at a point where most people are sharing their news. I had to cancel my 12 week scan as I couldn’t bear the thought of going through with it after seeing a scan. I also have a couple of family occasions the week after where relatives will be there with their babies and I’m not sure how I would handle that if I go through with the abortion.
@Graceymac99 & @greendiva I’m sorry to hear you have both been through that!
I agree, his way of dealing with conflict is something that really bothers me. Before all of this happened it was something he was working on and he did appear to be improving but since finding out the news he seems to have gone back to how he was before - very frustrating as this is when I needed him to be the most level headed.
@FlowerArranger I agree, I’m definitely not in the right frame of mind, but I also don’t feel I could leave it any longer if I were to go through with it and I’m finding the time pressure really difficult to deal with - this is another thing that is frustrating my boyfriend as he feels everything would have been easier if I’d just done it when the topic of abortion was first raised

OP posts:

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