What would YOU do?

[CPHB2021]

I firstly want to say, I know no one can make a decision for me but I am so on the fence I would be very grateful to know which route you personally would choose.

Myself and DH have 2 DC 5&2. We are very settled and life is starting to become, dare I say it, somewhat easy. We have a lovely routine. I work night shifts and so we pay no childcare and I am always around. It's taken a while to find a balance that fits our family but we finally feel we are in a good position emotionally and this coming year is one in which we can really start giving ourself a cushion financially.
We decided to try for no.3 after always saying we would only have 2. After one month of TTC, before the BFP, we actually agreed we were being silly and that we wanted to stick at 2 after all. We barely DTD and thought I wouldn't have fallen pregnant.
Fast forward to now, 4 weeks and a termination phone appointment has been booked. DH very keen for termination although we both decided it was best, I am now having major doubts that I will regret it BUT, I don't even know if I see myself with another one.
We would struggle financially for a while with me on Mat leave and it would have an impact ( who knows if pos or neg ) on our DC. I fear deeply that I am just being swept up with the idea of a baby and that I cannot even imagine us with another child, and yet that questioning won't leave 'what if'

I would also like to add, I am swaying towards termination. Sorting ourselves out into a very comfortable position and if the regret is immense, trying again in a year.

I am 25 and DH 29, so plenty of time despite not really wanting huge age gaps, I hadn't expected to be in this position.

I have no experience of termination, but I have seen so many threads on here written by women who have had terminations then regretted it. Women have the right to choose (as well they should) but I feel that the fierce pursuit of that right has neglected to address the aftermath of that choice.

You obviously did want another baby but I can see that getting pg so quickly is a shock. Maybe take some time to talk it through?

Personally in your situation you I wouldn't have an abortion. You don't seem 100% against stopping at 2 so why abort this one when you could be pregnant again in 1-2 years anyway .

Agree with others. I think if you were planning to stop at 2 it would be different but if you will want another in a year I wouldn’t put myself through it. You may also find that you don’t fall pregnant as quickly next time which could add to regrets.

@pumpkinpie01

Personally in your situation you I wouldn't have an abortion. You don't seem 100% against stopping at 2 so why abort this one when you could be pregnant again in 1-2 years anyway .

Thank you. My main concern is, this was meant to be 'the year' to get ourself comfortable financially, save etc. I worry mostly about the material impact on our current DC. Will they have to stop their clubs? Can we afford to take them away as frequently or at all ?! I think I'm being swept in by the idea of a squishy newborn, I'm not sure I truly want another child....

I fear you will bitterly regret having an abortion in your particular situation. That's just my opinion.

Sorting ourselves out into a very comfortable position and if the regret is immense, trying again in a year.

I'm sorry, but having another baby is not going to take away the pain of termination if you do end up regretting it.

@Daisy4569

Agree with others. I think if you were planning to stop at 2 it would be different but if you will want another in a year I wouldn’t put myself through it. You may also find that you don’t fall pregnant as quickly next time which could add to regrets.

We had always said , just 2. Had a funny five minutes this month ( both DC birthdays fall in October and I'm sure we got swept up in the emotional 'one year older' malarkey) I cannot really see us with more than 2 but I also feel awful that we did actually try for this pregnancy, albeit not very hard, it wasn't an accident. X

I've got two children and do not want third however if I did find myself pregnant I wouldn't terminate. I am pro choice but it's not something I could do myself and I've known this since I was a teenager. However this should be of no consequence to you as even if 50 respond and say terminate or don't terminate you should still only do what is right for you.

I remember thinking about trying for no.3 and having doubts and my dad said there is never a right time , you will always be saving for something , planning something , worrying about something . But once the child is here they just slot in and you get on with it

@Aquamarine1029

I fear you will bitterly regret having an abortion in your particular situation. That's just my opinion.

Sorting ourselves out into a very comfortable position and if the regret is immense, trying again in a year.

I'm sorry, but having another baby is not going to take away the pain of termination if you do end up regretting it.

This

Please think very carefully Op before you make any decision you can't undo.

Thank you. Yes I am really trying to weigh up pros and cons and how I may feel if we do terminate. I am quite a pragmatic person and I know there are many ladies who have terminated with no regret.
I also worry that as DH would like to go down the termination route ( and if I decide I would like to keep the baby, he will support me, I am aware it is MY decision but like most good marriages I value his opinion on such a life changing event ) if things are very tough, it may turn into resentment as we had decided to have a termination. It's a very difficult situation and I only have myself to blame as we absolutely knew what we were doing, I just never expected to fall pregnant with irregular cycles and the first month!

It's a very difficult situation and I only have myself to blame

No, your husband is every bit as responsible for your pregnancy as you are.

I would have the baby.

@Aquamarine1029

It's a very difficult situation and I only have myself to blame

No, your husband is every bit as responsible for your pregnancy as you are.

I include him in this blame. Sorry, I am not putting this on myself solely. Just I mean, I see ladies who are in despair as it was an accident and this wasn't. I feel awful as we have had a miscarriage and then it took a while to have our daughter. I just really do not want to regret having a child. I feel that having a baby should be a mutual, very confident decision and at the moment it's a very wobbly/not even sure/might terminate decision. It doesn't feel right to bring a child into our family in that situation...

I think personally I would struggle with the fact I actively tried to get pregnant then had a termination. Termination is a woman’s right under any circumstances but for me it would have to be only if an accident occurred not that I changed my mind. However I am not you! Best of luck with whatever you decide. The good news is that you have time in your side to think it through.

@AnonAnnie2977

I think personally I would struggle with the fact I actively tried to get pregnant then had a termination. Termination is a woman’s right under any circumstances but for me it would have to be only if an accident occurred not that I changed my mind. However I am not you! Best of luck with whatever you decide. The good news is that you have time in your side to think it through.

Yes this is absolutely my main concern. It wasn't an accident. And I really am kicking myself ( and DH) for jumping into TTC without really REALLY thinking it all through. We TTC the month of both of our DC birthdays and I think the emotion of them growing a year older got to us. Stopped BF my DD and I truly think the hormones got the better of me. It sounds so silly and three years ago, after we miscarried I would be seething at someone wanting to terminate after a planned baby.

If you’re asking for MY opinion on what I’d do… I’d take it as a sign that the third was meant to be given you gave it such a tiny window of possibility. Personally I’d struggle through for a couple of years if need be but it wouldn’t feel like struggling through when you had the lovely baby stage. I have a 3 month old just now and I’m absolutely loving it. So much so I think I am now planning to have 3 instead of 2, as long as the second goes as well as this one 🙈 It’s entirely your choice but I think if I terminated I’d be at lots of milestone events in life after that (big birthdays, your children’s weddings etc) and always think about this missing person who isn’t there. I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from wondering who they would of been. I don’t know, it’s a hard one but I’d see it as I made the decision that I wanted one and I was lucky to get what I wanted so quickly. I think my answer might be slightly different if it was purely an accident and you had both said from the start you only wanted two.

@pumpkinpie01

I remember thinking about trying for no.3 and having doubts and my dad said there is never a right time , you will always be saving for something , planning something , worrying about something . But once the child is here they just slot in and you get on with it

I am thinking this too. I worry however that we will just cope and not thrive. I really want to be able to provide our DC with opportunities and sadly, a lot of that comes down to finances. My DH was raised on the poverty line and he has always wanted so much more for our children. He is one of 3. I am one of 4. I feel completely torn.

I’d terminate in your position. Two to three is a massive change and if you both aren’t on board I wouldn’t want it. I couldn’t have a child, especially one that would massively impact two existing children unless it was all agreed upon and exciting news. I would be spending my energy on the children I have

You could make it work if you both wanted

@sarah13xx

If you’re asking for MY opinion on what I’d do… I’d take it as a sign that the third was meant to be given you gave it such a tiny window of possibility. Personally I’d struggle through for a couple of years if need be but it wouldn’t feel like struggling through when you had the lovely baby stage. I have a 3 month old just now and I’m absolutely loving it. So much so I think I am now planning to have 3 instead of 2, as long as the second goes as well as this one 🙈 It’s entirely your choice but I think if I terminated I’d be at lots of milestone events in life after that (big birthdays, your children’s weddings etc) and always think about this missing person who isn’t there. I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from wondering who they would of been. I don’t know, it’s a hard one but I’d see it as I made the decision that I wanted one and I was lucky to get what I wanted so quickly. I think my answer might be slightly different if it was purely an accident and you had both said from the start you only wanted two.

This was my husbands first reaction. "We believe everything happens for a reason" and we do. We are firm believers in it. We just don't want to hinder our existing children's lives and opportunities. It's an impossible situation as I keep thinking that I must prioritise my DC over my pregnancy but they both started like this too.... think I really need to have another chat with DH.

@BurntO

I’d terminate in your position. Two to three is a massive change and if you both aren’t on board I wouldn’t want it. I couldn’t have a child, especially one that would massively impact two existing children unless it was all agreed upon and exciting news. I would be spending my energy on the children I have

You could make it work if you both wanted

Thank you for your reply. I feel that it would be a huge jump. Someone would have to share a bedroom, our time would be spread thinner. And yet I do think I'll be very low when the due date etc rolls around. Wish I could cast a crystal ball into the future...

I see what you mean but also kids thrive on experiences that don't always have to cost a lot of money , my sons favourite holiday is a weekend at Haven not the all inc holiday abroad we save for 6 months for. I really don't think a third will make that much difference financially

Like others say, you will manage if you continue with the pregnancy. However I believe a termination can be a positive decision. Keep a level head, imagine where you want to be in your life in 3 years, 8 years etc. Sending good wishes whichever decision you reach.

@pumpkinpie01

I see what you mean but also kids thrive on experiences that don't always have to cost a lot of money , my sons favourite holiday is a weekend at Haven not the all inc holiday abroad we save for 6 months for. I really don't think a third will make that much difference financially

Yes I do agree to an extent but what about tutoring costs if needed, the cost of clubs if they wish to pursue a hobby. The cost of their first car or driving lessons. Contributing towards their costs should they choose to go to university. I am absolutely certain we would be just fine with very minimal changes for 5 years but after then, it's triple the cost. It's not the immediate change, although the maternity pay would be a struggle, it's the future that fills me with dread. X

@MrsCardone

I have no experience of termination, but I have seen so many threads on here written by women who have had terminations then regretted it. Women have the right to choose (as well they should) but I feel that the fierce pursuit of that right has neglected to address the aftermath of that choice.

You obviously did want another baby but I can see that getting pg so quickly is a shock. Maybe take some time to talk it through?

I have never regretted my abortion for one moment. Always been absolutely sure it was the right decision. Just, you know, to give the opinion of someone who's actually been through it...