Well my life has just turned to sh*t

[BoredAndUnfulfilled]

Ok, I need some advice.

My partner and I have been going through a major rough patch over the last few months, and I’m officially done. I just can’t do it anymore, and have ended things. We’re still living together with our DS(6) and things are awkward to say the least, but we’re trying to be as civil as we can.
Last week, we found out I’m pregnant. I’m 38, suffer from CFS/ME and had a tough pregnancy with our DS. I don not want to put my body through another pregnancy, and I don’t want another child. The problem is, my ex is dead set against a termination and wants to have the baby and stay together.
I already have another DS from a previous marriage, where I was desperately unhappy and too scared to leave when I found out I was pregnant. I don’t want to make that mistake again.

Given my age/health issues/difficult last pregnancy, I feel that my ex is being incredibly selfish to even ask me to go through with the pregnancy. Every time I try to talk to him to discuss the matter, he says he just can’t talk as his head is going to explode. Because obviously, MY head is just bloody fantastic right now!

I’ve contacted BPAS and have a consultation next week, and I’m terrified. Ex is not being in the least bit supportive of my decision, all I get is “I just wish I could carry the baby for you so you didn’t have to murder it”.

I’ve always been pro-choice, it’s just not a choice I ever thought I would be able to make myself. I know it’s the right decision for me under the circumstances, but that doesn’t make it an easy one.

I’m not even sure why I’m posting on here tbh, I just need to get everything out of my head.

Ah lovely I'm so sorry. For a start stop talking to your ex about it and what you're doing. It doesn't matter that his head isn't in the right place to discuss it, it's none of his concern and he doesn't get a say. Refuse to engage with him about it and make your own choices.

It's your body and your choice and it sounds like you're making the right decision for you. I had a termination in similar circumstances years ago and I've never regretted that decision although it's a shame I had to do it.

He really doesn't sound like someone I'd want to have a baby with anyway, you split for a reason.

Do what you need to do without involving him . He is your ex for a reason - he doesn't get to decide that you will keep this pregnancy .

Make your plans to move away from him too - it isn't healthy to be still living with him since it obviously gives him the option to push you around. You need to make a fresh start with your son. Best wishes to you .

@Hattie765 I’m sorry to hear you were in that situation. Can I ask how you got through it? My mental health has never been great, although I’m able to manage it a lot better nowadays, and I’m worried how going through a termination will impact me mentally.

@starrynight21 thank you, I was hoping that we we’re going to be able to get through the separation amicably, but with the current atmosphere that sadly doesn’t seem to be the case. I’m trying to find somewhere to live, but there’s very little available here right now that I can afford - I don’t work due to my health issues. My mum has said I can stay with her until I find somewhere, but sleeping on the sofa whilst my son is with his dad doesn’t seem all that workable to be honest

Why can’t he leave? Who owns the house and are you married?

@StaplesCorner we’re not married, and in social housing on a joint tenancy. I offered to leave as it was my decision to end things in the first place, but I’m starting to see how bloody irresponsible he is and I’m not convinced that he’ll be able to manage the house/parenting on his own if he can’t even sit down and have a grown up conversation.

I would have a termination and not tell him.
Then, I would tell him that I had miscarried.

I'm putting on my tin hat.

But sometimes a lie is the best escape, even if its a massive lie.

He sounds like a total knob.
And you're going to be the one left holding the baby anyway if you continue the pregnancy.

@GiantHaystacks2021 I’ve already told him I’m not prepared to continue with the pregnancy. That’s why he’s being such a tool about things. He’s acting like a stroppy toddler who’s been told he can’t have a new toy.

Don't leave him with the house
Apply for divorce and ask for the home in your settlement

Are you planning to leave your ds with your ex when you move out? I think whoever's got the kid should stay in the house

You are making the right decision. He will try to control you through your child. You are now a walking womb with his child in it. Don’t let him have the leverage for 18 years to make your life hell.

And he expects you to stay with him making you feel like that?

He's a complete twat.

That's emotional manipulation to get what he wants.

Your body your rules. Finish with him completely cut ties, block any sort of communication, sort something out for your DS contact wise for him and you do what feels best for you

I would seriously reconsider leaving your social housing, you need to do what's right for your children, not what's right for your ex. I'm not sure how you go about getting him to leave though - can your housing officer advise? In the meantime try and keep communication to a minimum, particularly about the pregnancy. It sounds like the right decision to make for you and your other children

Get your termination and speak to your housing officer about housing options for you and your DS.

By the sounds of it, you have made up your mind. Please stick to it. He doesn't need to be involved. He is your ex and he might give you the big talk now, but how will things be a few years down the line?
As for your home, wouldn't it be better if he moved out considering your circumstances? And you contacting the landlord to take over the tenancy?

[quote BoredAndUnfulfilled]@StaplesCorner we’re not married, and in social housing on a joint tenancy. I offered to leave as it was my decision to end things in the first place, but I’m starting to see how bloody irresponsible he is and I’m not convinced that he’ll be able to manage the house/parenting on his own if he can’t even sit down and have a grown up conversation.[/quote]
WHY DO WOMEN DO THIS????????
A man would never voluntarily leave the house. Get tough for the sake of your child. Kiss his ass.
Get the divorce rolling and get him out now.
He is a massive baby sulking because he isn't getting what he wants. Your body, your baby.
I would have zero problems with kicking him out given what a nasty shit he is.

I think it’s hard for both sides really, he doesn’t want to loose the baby and chooses to keep it but doesn’t have the final say, and I think that’s a hard situation to get your head around as the baby is half his too.

On the other hand, he doesn’t seem to fully understand what a pregnancy entails and how hard it actually is, and as you’ve had previous problems it makes it all that harder and scarier for you.

I too wouldn’t continue with the pregnancy if I was you on those basis and because it also sounds like you just don’t want too, which is fine. However I would have compassion for how this must be hard on him, but I’d also expect compassion and understanding back! It’s a shit situation for both of you but weather he likes it or not it’s more shittier for you.

100% whoever does most of the childcare keeps the tenancy.

@Hungry675tf

Get your termination and speak to your housing officer about housing options for you and your DS.

This.

He does not get to emotionally batter you into continuing a pregnancy that you don't want. He is showing you that you are right to end the relationship.

Stop talking to your ex. This is nothing to do with him, it's your decision, and he's not helping you. I wish you the very best with whatever you decide. 💐

I agree with a previous poster. Terminate and tell him you lost the baby or you will never hear the end of it. (I’m not minimising miscarriage and sorry for any offense caused to people who have lost much wanted pregnancies by the way)

[quote BoredAndUnfulfilled]@StaplesCorner we’re not married, and in social housing on a joint tenancy. I offered to leave as it was my decision to end things in the first place, but I’m starting to see how bloody irresponsible he is and I’m not convinced that he’ll be able to manage the house/parenting on his own if he can’t even sit down and have a grown up conversation.[/quote]
Retract the offer.

A roof over your kids head is more important.

Tell him he's to move out.

Tell him he has no right to insinuate you are murdering a baby, and that comment alone has sealed the deal that the relationship is over.

Sounds like you have so much going on.
He wont be doing the household admin & childcare it wont effect his life, this is your decision
I have had a termination & years later no regrets.

He has no say whatsoever on what you decide to do.
He sounds like a piece of shit for this comment alone, I just wish I could carry the baby for you so you didn't have to murder it

Honestly do what you think is right and don't let him stop you. And don't leave the house, he will have to leave.

Oh and goodness do not leave your secure tenancy. Even if it’s your decision put your son ahead of your husband and his right to have a secure home and not potentially moving houses and schools which can happen in private renting. It’s easier for your ex to move around if needs be and what kind of man would be happy to see his son in that situation? Secure tenancies are gold dust these days so hang on to it !!

He doesn't want the baby.
He wants to control you and trap you by having the baby.
He doesn't want to leave the house.

Stop discussing. Go get the abortion. File for divorce. Kick him out. Don't leave the house for him.