Termination or not? No idea what to do

[Inthedark2]

Hi there, I'm a much older mum (45) with 2 teenage children from a previous marriage. I have been with my on-off partner for 5 years and found out in Jan I'm expecting. Everything on paper tells me I should terminate, life is hard enough as a single mum already and I have been made redundant due to COVID. It's a struggle paying the bills and in an effort to provide some security for my existing kids I have just begun training for a new career. At my age there are also risks to the baby's health. My partner has said he'll support me whatever but I don't think he means it, his initial reaction was that it was completely unplanned, a huge shock, and we should terminate. I feel I can''t rely on his promises, he has never proved himself before and the relationship has never been a stable one. The problem is i just can't bring myself to do it - this is my baby, no matter how tiny, and my last chance of being a mum again. I can't stop crying. I have the tablets here at home and am running out of time to decide - I just don't know what to do. The thought of starting again on my own, giving up on my training and not being able to provide a decent future for any of us is terrifying.

Hi there @Inthedark2 - I'm the 44yo from the other thread. 2DCs and with longed for new job following covid redundancy last summer. 7wks pg.

What an awful predicament to be in. How long before you have to make the decision on the pills either way?

Do you have someone close to hold you while you cry? Remember to rehydrate as crying is so draining!

Just to say the obvious and that only you can make the decision. I have taken the first of the pills this morning and had a quiet half hour on my own before engaging with anyone x

Also virtual handhold and shoulder

So sorry you are in this situation. Sounds really hard. Personally I wouldn't be able to cope with the fear of disability but I'd also struggle with getting rid. All the best with whatever you decide.

@Inthedark2
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's really lonely. I know - because I'm going through it myself! I'm 40, 41 in July and I don't have any children. I've had a miscarriage, terminated once after that (wasn't the right time) and now I find myself pregnant again. I thought I wanted a baby but when that line went positive I suddenly saw my life flash past.
My issue is I suffer with extreme Tokophobia, the thought of something growing inside me is beyond disgusting and so wrong, I can't get my head around it and to be honest, I just don't know if kids are the be all end all? My husband and I love to travel and lead really nice lives, to have this happen at a point when we love sleep, restaurants, going out (WHEN WE CAN haha) but when you weigh it up, kids don't seem that desirable? but like you - its a feeling isn't it? Jesus no one would have kids if you really thought about it, not in this world we're living in.
I've got the tablets being sent to me, but my friend told me tonight she's 3 months pregnant and its completely thrown me.
I wish I knew the answer and could help but I believe whatever decision you do make, was the right one at that time.
Big hugs xx

Hi @sisteroutlaw, thank you so much for replying. It is an awful predicament - I fall pregnant very easily it seems, my second DD was conceived while on the pill and with this one I missed one pill due to a delay from my pharmacy. I wouldn't wish this decision on my worst enemy. I have to take the tablets this weekend, I'm 9+4 today. No, no-one holds me when I cry, I keep it to myself and just have to leave the room so my kids can't see me. I'm so so sad, I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for this but know I can't support us all.

I think you're a lot braver than me, how are you feeling? I hope everything goes ok, thinking of you x

Hi @SGB40, thank you for your reply too - you're so right, it is lonely. It helps just writing everything down tho I think and has made me realise I'm not on my own, I just can't talk to anybody I know. I confided in a friend but this conflicts with her faith. She means well but all I've heard is how wonderful new life is (like I don't know that) and how everything will be fine (like she has a crystal ball).

Your phobia sounds truly awful - is there therapy or treatment you can have to make it bearable? Children are wonderful but not for everybody and it sounds like you and your hubby have a fabulous lifestyle together. I hope things go well for you and you make the decision that's right for you, don't let your friend's situation influence you, your life is different to hers but I understand why it's thrown you!

Let me know how you get on, take care x

Just want to say I found myself in similar situation in January, 40 and pregnant with an on/off partner I wasn't living with, i came to the conclusion I only wanted a baby in a secure relationship, he couldn't commit to living as a family, financially it would of been difficult, house space etc and didn't want to risk raising the baby alone, which was a high chance giving we were on/off and definitely off now!
I was only 6 weeks though and in my mind it wasn't a baby yet only the potential to be, some how that made it easier.

I was quite certain though I was doing the right thing, just sad the circumstances weren't right and now after the termination I'm now single again and feel I have made the right decision.

Does your partner live with you?

It's a hard decision I understand that especially when it's last chance but rather you and existing family are happy and secure than making yourself work flat out with a newborn and potentially single.

I hope you come to feel what's best for you I'm not trying to sway you just sharing my experience x

OP - I can only share my experiences.
I’m not you.
I had a termination at 29. My first pregnancy. It was so bad for me.
Same guy. Got married. Miscarriage at 5 weeks. That was ok.
Full term pregnancy- stillbirth (almost lost my life too).
Gave up.
Pregnancy by accident at 40. Miscarriage.
Tried IVF. Failed.
Pregnant about 3 months later (at 41). My DD is disabled.
But.. I don’t think it was my age.
And she’s the most amazing being.
But can you do that??
I wish you luck in your decision

Thanks @Ohnomoreno, it's a horrible, emotional tug of war :(. My GP told me testing has come a long way and not to worry about my age, strangely disability isn't the bit I'm most worried about - I think I could come to terms (rightly or wrongly) with terminating a baby that had a reduced quality of life more than a 'healthy' (as I assume this one is) foetus.

If things were rosy and the future was promising, what would you think about it then?

Its a horrible position to be in, trying to weigh up what the right choice is. You have to do what you feel is right for you and your family.

The question I have asked is a question I was asked when I was considering a termination.
It really really helped me realise what I really wanted to do. Im sorry if this is no help to you, it's such a simple question but it helped me so much so I thought I'd share it with you to see if it helps.

I'm sure whatever you decide will be the right decision for you

@SGB40

Fellow Toko sufferer here. When I got pregnant with my first I cried all night long. I cried through most of my midwife appointments. I want sure I wanted kids, but my husband did and I agreed we'd have one.

I guess a lot of support from the NHS, frequent visits to a psychologist to help me cope, and I've done it twice now and i have no regrets.

If your do go for it, know that how your parent is your call and with one child, travel etc is perfectly possible, it just becomes a challenge much more with multiple children.

It's your decision obviously, and I understand the fear, the revulsion and the panic attacks. I'm not trying to persuade you either way, but to show your that if is possible to have a baby despite Toko if you go down that route. I had two planned sections to help me cope with delivery, and if you do have the baby, I can't recommend them highly enough.

Good luck.

@Inthedark2 That's what I thought too, but one of my children is missing some bones and can't walk very well. It's not the end of the world by any means, but it frightened me so much that I did the full Harmony test with my next baby and generally had a total meltdown for 9 months even so! You might be offered it on the NHS by now and it's great for peace of mind if you do want (or can keep) the baby. I always think it's odd that society frowns far more on giving away babies for adoption than on abortion.

@Babyboomtastic and @Inthedark2

Thank you both ladies for your kind messages and to everyone who's chipped in.

I hear you on both fronts. I can obviously seek help, if that's what I want, but I'm just not sure, even if do go down the route of extensive therapy and support that I can put myself through that for the next 9 months for something I'm on the fence about? I wish so much I could guarantee the outcome that yes, we'd have a healthy baby, we'd absolutely love it and mine and my hubby's relationship wouldn't be harmed but of course nothing can be done to guarantee it! In a perfect world of course. It's the biggest leap of faith all of us take and it's not really something you think about until you're pregnant, how massive the deal is.
My mind is made up and I will terminate, I just can't take that risk and progress something I have zero control over. Thank you so much though for your support and love, perhaps I'll adopt a bit later down the track.

@Inthedark2 - I'm here for you. I know your head will be everywhere and as I said, its lonely and even made worse by this lockdown.

Lots of love xx

Hi @Inthedark2 how are you feeling today? Thinking of you too.

What an annoying superpower to fall pg easily! There will be lightness and happiness again whatever you choose to do. And acceptance for your choice either way. There's no edict that says you should feel this way or that.

I did take the pills yesterday at nearly 8wks. It was... unpleasant... but I feel relieved on waking today. Am around and will keep checking if you want to dm me ♥

Hi @sisteroutlaw, thank you for thinking of me, I've been trying to PM you this afternoon but am technically challenged and can't figure it out...hope you're ok x

Ah @Inthedark2 - yes the private message thing is little hidden! Have pm'ed you back. Biggest hugs x

Hi @geoblip,
Thanks for you message and for taking the time to reply to my post - it sounds like a very similar situation to me. My OH doesn't live with me but is staying with me to support me at the mo. I'm glad you're well and made the right choice for you.

Hi @Krazynights34,
Thankyou for being so open and honest - I'm so sorry you've had such a hard time and had to endure so much trauma - it's strange how some people float happily though life with seemingly no worries yet others suffer. I have also had my fair share of trauma and seem to drift from one to another completely unintentionally. I guess some people are just luckier than others. I'm so happy you have your DD, she sounds amazing.

Hi @TheChip
Thank you too for your advice, it's much appreciated - as is all the support I've received here.

I knew I had to make a decision this weekend and took the first tablet Fri and second lot on Sat. Unfortunately things didn't work out well for me and I was rushed into hospital Sat night. I'm home today but not in a good way , I'm very upset, traumatised and now wish I hadn't done it. I think it will take me forever to come to terms with but that is my experience alone to live with and I'm glad things work out well for the majority of women on here.

Thinking of you all, thank you for your support x

@inthedark2

I'm right there with you, holding your hand. I am so sorry you've had the worst experience, having to go through it emotionally is hard enough but for the physical side of things make everything 100% worse.
Please try not to beat yourself up, you made a decision in that time that you felt was right. You didn't end up in hospital because it was 'a sign' that you made a mistake, it's simply because sometimes these things go wrong. I really don't want you to put yourself through the turmoil more than you need to. Make space for the grief of your loss but don't let it take over. Please be your own best friend.
I couldn't figure out how to private message you but am here for you, please know that.
You will be get through this.

I took my tablets on Saturday and haven't had the best time of it either, it's very tough on all fronts but each day you heal that little bit more.

As I said, I'm holding your hand and am right there with you.

Xx

Sorry to hear you had a bad time of it.
Take care of yourself as your emotions will be up and down a lot, takes a while for your mind and body to recover. Even though I know I've done the right thing I still had sadness and doubts at times. I think you've made the right decision, having a baby with a man that's unreliable in an on/off situation and not living together would of made life incredibly hard for you, it's stressful enough as it is? Glad to hear he is supporting you now at least.
Focus on getting better

Thank you @geoblip and @SGB40 for your kind words.

@SGB40 I hope you're doing ok, it is really tough and I don't think anybody could understand that's not been through it. Physically I'm healing but emotionally I'm a mess. I can't stop crying and can't look at myself in the mirror. I told my DCs' dad to keep them with him for now as I don't think I can be a mum like this. I'm having to lie to everyone I care about - my DC, family members, friends and my neighbour (a close friend who is part of a larger friends group) who is asking questions because she saw me getting taken away in the ambulance. The whole village will have known by lunchtime yesterday. And my OH and I aren't talking - he doesn't understand why I'm so upset and thinks I should just be able to 'park' this and move on.
I'm also seriously thinking of quitting my course, my heart's not in it now and there's no way I can concentrate or focus on anything. I just don't know what to do with myself.

Sorry for rambling on, I'm so glad you guys are all ok and made the right decisions for you, I wish I could find some positivity like you all are, would be nice to feel ok about this.

oh...and I found out eventually the PM function is simply the 'message poster' link to the side of each message x

@urbanewell3 - if this message gets to you, thank you for your PM, I have tried to reply several times but it just won't send - I will keep trying x

you're quite welcome. Glad you got it. No I haven’t received anything from you; I just checked. Hope you are recovering well. I know that for lots of women it’s not easy afterwards, but I just know you’ll get to a better place. Get some counselling if you need to, and please don't quit your course. Wish you well in the future!

Hi @Inthedark2 just nudging you to call the BPAS aftercare line in case you don't see my private message. Their number is 0300 333 68 28. I believe it's 24 hour so they'll speak to you anytime. Biggest hugs x

Are you ok OP? X

@woooooohhhhhh, thanks for checking in on me.

Physically I will heal (though there are ongoing issues and my GP wants me back in hosp , which is last thing I want). Emotionally I am struggling with what happened. I'm struggling to connect with my DC, struggling to commit to my course (they've given me some time to decide whether I want to withdraw) and struggling with concentration/sleeping etc. My GP wants me to have counselling but I'm not sure - talking about it is upsetting and certainly won't undo anything.

It's a very difficult path I feel I'm on.

Thanks again for your post x