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This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Pregnancy choices

Pregnancy post-abortion

41 replies

AnnaliseH · 07/02/2021 11:12

Hi Ladies,

Not sure this is going to go down well as abortion is a sensitive subject and opinions differ. But would appreciate your support.

Six weeks ago I had a medical abortion because of an unplanned pregnancy, which took me completely by surprise. I panicked. Already have two kids, am working full time and studying. I felt really unwell with the pregnancy. Depression descended. I made a decision to terminate at eight weeks gestation, which I now seriously regret. It was a very hard decision to make, I didn’t know it was going to affect me the way it has...

My husband is keen on a third baby so we are just seeing what happens. Not using protection. Am not tracking ovulation this time or getting preoccupied with monitoring symptoms. Quietly hoping I may become pregnant again soon.

Would be really nice to hear if anybody’s been in a similar situation. Feels quite lonely. Thanks so much!

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Birchtree4 · 07/02/2021 14:48

Hi,

If it's only been 6 weeks since you had an abortion, you maybe need to consider taking some time out of TTC to work through whatever issues it was that led you to decide to terminate? I struggle to see how another pregnancy, potentially only weeks after a termination, will work out better for you?
X

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WhatKatyDidNxt · 07/02/2021 14:52

But what has changed? It was only a few weeks ago

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Amijustagrump · 07/02/2021 16:27

I had a termination in 2018 and regretted it ever since. I immediately decided we should TTC and got obsessed.. then I had counselling and realised that the reasons for the termination were still valid and it was the right choice. Although I still mourn and regret what happened I needed that time and we are now TTC! Marie Stopes offering free counselling and I would really recommend it. I'm sorry you're going through this Flowers

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AnnaliseH · 07/02/2021 16:45

@Birchtree4, thank you for your reply to the thread. It’s appreciated.

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AnnaliseH · 07/02/2021 16:47

@WhatKatyDidNxt, thank you. I realised that I wanted another baby after all. That’s the change. My post is not about asking a permission from the general public on whether I should be “allowed” to have another child. It’s about human compassion. Thank you though.

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AnnaliseH · 07/02/2021 16:49

@Amijustagrump, thanks so much for telling your story. It is reassuring to hear about other people’s experiences. I wish you the best of luck and hope you get your lovely baby soon! Thanks again for the kind and honest words. Means a lot.

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ewwdaviid · 07/02/2021 16:52

Hey,
Also to add...allow time for your hormones to settle. The would have changed while being pregnant and can take some time to get back to normal after a pregnancy ends, so keep that in mind and give yourself some time.

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AnnaliseH · 07/02/2021 18:56

@ewwdaviid, thank you! That’s a valid point. Hormones are powerful, aren’t they. I will follow your advice and just be a little. See what happens. Thanks again!

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Alicespring · 08/02/2021 12:21

Hiya, I was in the same boat. Had one in Dec 2019, severely regretted it and decided to TTC straight away, I fell pregnant in March 2020 and lost it at 5 weeks. Once my hormones calmed down I realised how obsessive I was getting about it and took a step back. I fell pregnant again in October 2020 (almost to the exact same day a year on from the terminated pregnancy) and I'm now 16 weeks.

At the time it was the right decision for me even though I regretted it, and you may feel the same, don't let anybody invalidate your feelings.

I will admit though that at the start of being pregnant with the baby currently I had major guilt thinking I didn't deserve it after what I had done, and I probably should have spoken to someone about it but didn't. I know someone further up suggested counselling too.

I hope everything works out well for you :)

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WhatKatyDidNxt · 08/02/2021 14:33

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AnnaliseH · 08/02/2021 15:54

@Alicespring, thank you for sharing your story. It is so normalizing to hear about other people's experiences. I wish you the best of luck with your current pregnancy!

And you are right regarding counselling, I am talking to somebody. Funnily enough, am a trainee counsellor myself, so if nothing else, this experience should help me be more empathetic in the future.

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FTEngineerM · 08/02/2021 16:17

Sorry you’re in this situation Flowers

I read on a thread a while back, can’t remember the poster now but they said “it’s easy to feel guilt or regret for choosing to terminate when the reality and responsibilities have been removed. The choice made when those responsibilities were your reality was to terminate, trust that it was the right one for you at that time”

And I found it really poignant because it was saying it’s ok to terminate but it’s ok to go on and have as many babies as you like.

Your circumstances can change rapidly. Purely going by your posts it does seem it’s part of the aftermath of making the decision rather than a drastic change in circumstances that would now allow a baby?


I’ve had two abortions and now have one DC with one on the way. Literally no judgement here: I just think women should do what ever the hell they want without being looked down on or judged.

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Bittersweet12 · 08/02/2021 16:21

I know the feeling and I don't want to scare you or anything but I had the same thoughts. I felt terrible after my abortion, I felt nothing would fill the gap of hurt and guilt I was feeling like another baby! I wanted one so bad. Then I ended up having a miscarriage I blamed myself like it was karma for what I'd done the pregnancy before. I now have a beautiful 9 month old. Your time will come honestly, I would just advise to really take some time out, let your hormones settle and give yourself a break before trying again, mentally it may be hard because you feel low, but rushing it could make you feel worse x

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AnnaliseH · 08/02/2021 21:09

@FTEngineerM, thank you so much for your message! It's really appreciated. I think, you are right in suggesting to allow time. I really like the idea of letting things be...

Strangely, am not obsessing about getting pregnant again as soon as possible. Am hoping it might happen on its own and if it doesn't that's fine too...I already have wonderful daughters to take care of.

Abortion can be such a horrid thing to go through, can't it, it's reassuring to learn that my experience is not unusual.

And also--glad to hear all is well for you after two terminations. You must be a strong person. Best of luck with you current pregnancy!

Thanks again!

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AnnaliseH · 08/02/2021 21:13

@Bittersweet12, aww, that's so much. That's a lovely message and so nice to hear that you now have a lovely baby after the pain you went through. You're spot on about the void!

You know, with every new day that I live through since the trauma of the termination, dare I say, I am coming to some sort of peace with it. And the messages like yours do help. So thank you again. I will pay attention to your advice and let things be...

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AnnaliseH · 08/02/2021 21:21

UPDATE:

Just wanted to thank everybody who has responded on this thread. Your messages have made a difference. Thanks so much! It's amazing to hear about other women going through similar experiences.

I've come to a place of calm within myself albeit the sadness of the decision I made remains. As my counsellor said, full acceptance may take a long time to arrive at.

Am getting on a bit age-wise with few fertile years or months (who knows) left. So I'll let it be and see what happens. A baby may come along or it might not. Whichever way, I will not force it.

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SaraJune36 · 21/02/2021 19:41

@AnnaliseH I am just checking in... I am in the same situation as you ... had Ab in September and was worst decision of my entire life. Some things have changed since then (new job and got vaccinated for Covid). I want to start trying again soon. How is trying going? Was your hubby on board? Mine is on board but is worried it is too soon and would be fine with sticking with two or having three. I have time (I’m 36) and can wait, but wondering if you are your hubby had serious conversations about trying again and how you came to the conclusion it was the right time?

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AnnaliseH · 21/02/2021 20:49

Hi @SaraJune36! Nice to hear from you! Our situations are strikingly similar! Wonder if I have found a sort of twin here? 🙃

My husband initially wanted to wait until May, so that I was at peace with the abortion. Sounds like the same reason as your husband's? However, I have had counselling with a solution focused brief therapy practitioner, which was super helpful. Husband and I talked again and he was happy for us to just let it be, as in not try hard but not prevent a potential new pregnancy either.

This feels natural and healthy to me. It may not to others but for me this outcome feels right. Am tracking my cycle but not using OPKs or obsessing about conception (much!).

An unexpected positive out of the whole situation has been that I am a lot more patient with my toddler and enjoy the role of a mum more than I ever have before. I guess, losing a baby (albeit on my own decision) has made me realise how precious my two kids are.

I have only had my first period since the termination about two weeks ago, so really not sure if I'm even ovulating or what is going on...I guess, time will tell.

How are you feeling? What do you think might be the best way forward for you?

A bit of an odd question, apologies, do you still have that tingly pregnancy feeling in your breasts? I'm almost two months post termination but my "frontage" still feels like something's cooking.

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SaraJune36 · 21/02/2021 22:21

@AnnaliseH Thanks for your reply! I’m glad I’m not the only one in this situation! I have been grieving pretty bad about it. At first I tried to tell myself over and over that it was the right decision, should feel good about it, etc. and just ignore it... but the last two months I have totally realized I just made a huge huge mistake! I would love to add another little person to our family. My kids are a bit older than yours I think... 7 and 9. But I think they’d love a little bro or sis. I think hubby wants me to wait until I am feeling better (I’m pretty sad most days, not sleeping great). I understand that too- but I also have come to terms that I made the biggest mistake of my life and want to move forward and I still want another child. I have guilt about not carrying that pregnancy forward when I could have... I just panicked. I feel like our mistakes don’t mean that we can’t try to have what we want in life. We just have to keep learning. I’m hoping to start trying in the next couple of months... we shall see. Keep me updated!!

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SaraJune36 · 21/02/2021 22:23

@AnnaliseH I forgot to say I don’t have any tingling in my boobs but my Ab was back in September, and I’ve been on the pill since!!!

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crystalcherry87 · 22/02/2021 00:12

No I wouldn't be planning a baby just 6 weeks after terminating one. Sorry to be harsh but you did ask.

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Viviennemary · 22/02/2021 00:15

Sorry but I can't see the logic in planning another pregnancy immediately after you have terminated the last one.

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Eastbourne83 · 22/02/2021 23:06

Hi ladies,
Can’t tell you how happy I am to have found this post. I’ve been trawling the mum forums for months but have been too scared to admit how I’m feeling.
I had an abortion in June. We were actually trying for a 3rd baby at the time, but then lockdown happened, and I lost my grandma (who raised me) to Covid. I realised my period was late the day of her funeral and it was like some weird switch got flicked. I genuinely have no idea why I did what I did. It was too easy - one phone call and the pill was sent in the post the next day.
I regretted the abortion an hour after I took the first pill. I went totally mental and trashed the house, tried to make myself sick. I even refused to take the 2nd pill in the hope I might still have a chance to keep the baby...hubby had to force it down me.
We decided to try again in December after 6 months of counselling but I had an early miscarriage a few weeks ago. The doctor actually offered me the same pill to ‘move things along’ and it brought it all back.
We’re trying again, but I’m terrified, full of guilt and regret. And at 37, time is ticking on.

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Beforethetakingoftoastandt3a · 22/02/2021 23:11

@Viviennemary

Sorry but I can't see the logic in planning another pregnancy immediately after you have terminated the last one.

Its actually quite common.
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SaraJune36 · 23/02/2021 00:07

@Eastbourne83 I can relate to your story so much. The evening that I took that first pill I felt SO sad. It was a nightmare. It was way too easy! I am hoping I can get healthy so we can try again later this spring or summer. I’m still grieving and having trouble sleeping so I am not ready yet. I am 36 so of similar age. I’m seeing a counselor as well but have been beating myself up a lot about it. Can I ask what techniques or things your counselor did to help you move forward and make a decision to try again? Best of luck to you!

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