Huge regret and grief after medical abortion, need some support :(

[April9888]

Over the summer I got into a new relationship with a guy who was great at first, but started to show some signs of being a bit controlling and emotionally abusive. Only very slightly, but I knew things would get worse. He refused to wear a condom but I’d been told I couldn’t conceive naturally so didn’t worry.

I split up with him in September because he’d had a breakdown and was taking things out on me and he was just getting me down. I knew he was bad news.

I found out I was pregnant days afterward. I was totally shocked. I’m 33 and really want children. I didn’t feel horror or enthusiasm when I saw the test really, just shock. I pondered over my decision for a few weeks, enduring sleepless nights and took time off work stressed trying to make a decision. My mind swung back and forth all the time, but I found myself leaning more towards termination because I envisaged having a family unit in the future - a loving partner and a child, not raising a child myself. I only have a rented house and I was worried my parents would be disappointed and couldn’t help me.

I went to BPAS at 7 weeks for a consultation. I convinced them I was 100% sure and took the tablets home thinking I would take them when I was ready. However due to how mentally stressed I was after weeks of being in limbo over my decision, I took the first tablet the second I got through the door without even thinking about it any further as I couldn’t take it.

I took the next set of 4 tablets the next day and I cried after doing it as I knew there was no going back. This was two weeks ago.

Physically I have recovered quite quickly, but mentally I’m a complete mess. I’ve never had depression before but I feel like I have it now. I’ve withdrawn from people, I don’t get joy from doing anything. I’ve gone off sick from work and I mostly just sleep during the days. When I’m awake I constantly look back at pictures I took of my pregnancy test (just in case I kept it, I documented it) and I’m obsessing over my pregnancy symptoms disappearing. I wonder what gender my child would have been and what symptoms I would be having now. I can’t be around my friends with children and I’m dreading my next friend announcing they’re pregnant.

I’m so worried I will never meet someone who wants a family with me and, even if they do, to make matters worse what if I can’t get pregnant again? Time isn’t on my side either. I confided in my mum yesterday who said she would have supported me which has made me feel even more regret.

Please help, I don’t know what to do as when I google this most people say they felt relief after abortion. I did feel some relief initially but none now :(

Oh OP just huge hugs for how you're feeling right now, this decision has clearly torn you and no doubt your emotions are going to be all over the place. Just hang on in there and take it a moment at a time and trust that wisdom will prevail. None of us can ever know if we have made the right decision, we just do our absolute best at the time X

You're grieving both the loss of your relationship and the loss of a pregnancy. Be kind to yourself. You will get through this (and I'm sure later will find love and happiness with a new partner) but you might need some help to get through this.
Have you had any counselling? I would definitely recommend a short course to help you get through your depression. to you.

That must be so hard, keep reminding yourself of the reasons you made that choice.
Having a permanent link to your ex sounds like it would not have been a good idea.
Try to be kind to yourself, you can't undo what you have done, you can only move forward.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

In situations like the one you were in, I think sometimes the rational, 'survival-mode' part of our brain just takes over, gets us through. It's as though it's only afterwards that other feelings are allowed to surface. And then you feel all the pain, the grief, the what-ifs.

Maybe trust that process. Trust that on some level you knew what was right and acted on it. Maybe try to see what's happened as a necessary (if very painful) first step towards someplace better. For example, you know now that you've good instincts re: men and you're responsible enough to not bring a child into the world lightly. You know you really want children of your own, but with a loving partner. You know that you can conceive, despite what you had been told before.

Years ago, going through IVF in my late thirties, I felt some sadness over frozen embryos my partner and I never used. But then I realised that that was the price that had to be paid in order for our two children to come into the world. It couldn't have happened any other way. And I wouldn't have things any other way. Sometimes the bigger picture makes sense of things.

Take care of yourself. Grief is awful. What's happened to you is so unfair.

I meant to say as well, I went through a medical abortion too in the past and experienced the exact same feelings as you did, but only afterwards. The pain does subside.

@rainbowninja

Oh OP just huge hugs for how you're feeling right now, this decision has clearly torn you and no doubt your emotions are going to be all over the place. Just hang on in there and take it a moment at a time and trust that wisdom will prevail. None of us can ever know if we have made the right decision, we just do our absolute best at the time X

Thank you so much! I live alone so even a virtual hug is much appreciated :) it really was such a hard decision. I lurked on this forum for a while admiring the decisiveness of a lot of the posters.

@bluejelly

You're grieving both the loss of your relationship and the loss of a pregnancy. Be kind to yourself. You will get through this (and I'm sure later will find love and happiness with a new partner) but you might need some help to get through this. Have you had any counselling? I would definitely recommend a short course to help you get through your depression. to you.

Thank you, I really appreciate it. I have actually started counselling but don’t feel ready to open up to her about this yet, or much at all, really! I’m hopeful that will change

@Pugdoglife

That must be so hard, keep reminding yourself of the reasons you made that choice. Having a permanent link to your ex sounds like it would not have been a good idea. Try to be kind to yourself, you can't undo what you have done, you can only move forward.

Thank you, it’s so hard! But you’re right, I couldn’t envisage myself being permanently tied to him. I think he would have been really inconsistent and a nightmare dad, as well as a nightmare to parent with. I wouldn’t have been happy. But I’m also not happy now, and I have nothing to show for it, either :(

@SkyMoo1

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

In situations like the one you were in, I think sometimes the rational, 'survival-mode' part of our brain just takes over, gets us through. It's as though it's only afterwards that other feelings are allowed to surface. And then you feel all the pain, the grief, the what-ifs.

Maybe trust that process. Trust that on some level you knew what was right and acted on it. Maybe try to see what's happened as a necessary (if very painful) first step towards someplace better. For example, you know now that you've good instincts re: men and you're responsible enough to not bring a child into the world lightly. You know you really want children of your own, but with a loving partner. You know that you can conceive, despite what you had been told before.

Years ago, going through IVF in my late thirties, I felt some sadness over frozen embryos my partner and I never used. But then I realised that that was the price that had to be paid in order for our two children to come into the world. It couldn't have happened any other way. And I wouldn't have things any other way. Sometimes the bigger picture makes sense of things.

Take care of yourself. Grief is awful. What's happened to you is so unfair.

That was such a helpful thing to read, thank you so much! So am I right in thinking you had an abortion but then managed to conceive through IVF in your late thirties? So pleased for you and so encouraging to hear someone who has had the same feelings as me and got through them.

You are spot on as well in how it’s changed my mind set, for example I will be extremely careful about who I date now and especially who I have sex with. Even protected sex comes with chances of getting pregnant, and I wouldn’t sleep with anyone (even protected!) again unless I knew they were a good person and would be a good potential father just in case, because there is no way I can end up in this situation again in my life. It has definitely shown me what I really want for my future.

Thank you

I’m still interested in hearing from others, especially those who felt like me post abortion and got through it. How did you do it? What worked best?

How did people cope around pregnancy and babies in the future? I’ve got lots of new mum friends and I just can’t bear to talk to them or be around them right now but I can’t explain why to them. I worry they think I’m just being rude? :(

I’m sorry, sounds like a tough time OP. Sounds like the right decision though. Having a permanent link to this guy would be hell on earth.

As an aside, if a guy refuses to wear a condom, whether you think you can conceive or not, don’t let him near you!

Huge red flag!!

You've not been left with nothing, lovely. You're left with your boundaries and dignity intact because you wouldn't accept his treatment of you. That's huge, definitely don't negate it. Be kind to yourself.

I got through it by not thinking too much about it, and keeping busy with other things. I kept telling myself the man was a waste of space that I didn't want any ties to, that I would struggle as a single parent, that I didn't want a child who might turn out like his abusive father, that I wanted to do it properly with someone I loved. It took a while, but I know I made the right choice at the time, but it's so hard when your body is swamped in pregnancy hormones.

Sending a hug OP, please do not torture yourself over your decision. It's never black and white. Your reasons are very valid and entirely yours to make. Of course you are going to feel some negative feelings. If you didn't you wouldn't be human my darling x hugs and love. X

Sending hugs I went through this and it took me 12 months to feel better, I'll be honest. 5 years later and I don't regret it, it was the right choice at the time.

I felt like I'd had a miscarriage even though it was my choice. There is so much shame around abortion that feeling sad for the loss and greiving for it seems to only imply if the pregnancy is lost, not aborted. It is totally valid to feel all those feeling when you chose to end it aswell.

As I'm sure in different circumstances you wouldn't have done it, and that's the hardest part. For me I got through it by thinking of it as a loss, although I kept it all to myself.

You will have children one day in the right circumstances OP, this is a bump in the road

@BewilderedDoughnut

I’m sorry, sounds like a tough time OP. Sounds like the right decision though. Having a permanent link to this guy would be hell on earth.

As an aside, if a guy refuses to wear a condom, whether you think you can conceive or not, don’t let him near you!

Huge red flag!!

I totally agree. I knew this was a red flag and I foolishly ignored it. Ironically we did start using condoms just before we split, but little did I know I was already pregnant

@Mabelface

You've not been left with nothing, lovely. You're left with your boundaries and dignity intact because you wouldn't accept his treatment of you. That's huge, definitely don't negate it. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you. I’ve had terrible taste with men in the past so this is huge growth for me! The younger me would probably have loved having a permanent tie to a man like that, eurgh!

@goldenharvest

I got through it by not thinking too much about it, and keeping busy with other things. I kept telling myself the man was a waste of space that I didn't want any ties to, that I would struggle as a single parent, that I didn't want a child who might turn out like his abusive father, that I wanted to do it properly with someone I loved. It took a while, but I know I made the right choice at the time, but it's so hard when your body is swamped in pregnancy hormones.

Wow, I really resonate with everything you’ve said here. I just knew he would have been an inconsistent and narcissistic parent and that I would have an emotionally damaged child as a result who may well have turned out in the same way sadly.

I guess the keeping busy thing is completely scuppered for me at the moment as I’m in a high tier area lockdown-wise, that makes it harder! But I’ve got to keep busy at home as best I can.

@fmlfmlfmlfm

Sending a hug OP, please do not torture yourself over your decision. It's never black and white. Your reasons are very valid and entirely yours to make. Of course you are going to feel some negative feelings. If you didn't you wouldn't be human my darling x hugs and love. X

Thank you :( Nobody I know (to my knowledge) has gone through it so it’s so hard to find anyone to talk to who understands. I’ve mostly just googled it and people have just said about the overwhelming relief they’ve felt! Just need to hear that it’s more normal to feel down too like me.

@grassgreenthisside

Sending hugs I went through this and it took me 12 months to feel better, I'll be honest. 5 years later and I don't regret it, it was the right choice at the time.

I felt like I'd had a miscarriage even though it was my choice. There is so much shame around abortion that feeling sad for the loss and greiving for it seems to only imply if the pregnancy is lost, not aborted. It is totally valid to feel all those feeling when you chose to end it aswell.

As I'm sure in different circumstances you wouldn't have done it, and that's the hardest part. For me I got through it by thinking of it as a loss, although I kept it all to myself.

You will have children one day in the right circumstances OP, this is a bump in the road

Thank you so much. I honestly do feel like I’ve miscarried - it felt really counterintuitive to have an abortion when I want children? I feel grief and loss about it all.

I’m currently trying to stop myself from visiting the other forums on here for mums who are due in May 2021, when I would have been. I used to get a little bit excited reading the thread, but it was a head v heart struggle and my head won in the end.

Thank you.

@april9888, that's right. Glad you found my post helpful. What helped me get through was to see it in that light and try insofar as possible to make a virtue of it - that's kind of a clumsy way of putting it but hopefully makes some sense

Not always easy I know.

Hi OP I wanted to share with you my story , I gave birth to my DD ( c section) and about 3 months later I found out I was pregnant again , at first I was in disbelief, then I came round to the idea , I even booked myself in to the hospital and was so excited to see everything was progressing , but then the worry kicked in , I was worried about how I might have complications having the two so close together , I worried I hadn't healed enough to carry another pregnancy, I worried I was somehow going to die and leave my baby motherless at such a young age , and as someone mentioned above some kind of instinct kickin and before I knew it I had the abortion . I wanted that baby so so much , I can't explain to you how much regret I feel , everyday when ever someone announces a pregnancy I feel my stomach drop , I've cried so much , I keep imagining my DD playing with them and realise it's no longer going to happen . I worry about the future and if I will be able to get pregnant again , I worry god will punish me and not grant me another baby. It's hard going through it but all we can do is hope and forgive our selves and hopefully time will be a good healer xxx

[quote SkyMoo1]@april9888, that's right. Glad you found my post helpful. What helped me get through was to see it in that light and try insofar as possible to make a virtue of it - that's kind of a clumsy way of putting it but hopefully makes some sense

Not always easy I know.[/quote]
It does make sense. Thank you

@dreamer2

Hi OP I wanted to share with you my story , I gave birth to my DD ( c section) and about 3 months later I found out I was pregnant again , at first I was in disbelief, then I came round to the idea , I even booked myself in to the hospital and was so excited to see everything was progressing , but then the worry kicked in , I was worried about how I might have complications having the two so close together , I worried I hadn't healed enough to carry another pregnancy, I worried I was somehow going to die and leave my baby motherless at such a young age , and as someone mentioned above some kind of instinct kickin and before I knew it I had the abortion . I wanted that baby so so much , I can't explain to you how much regret I feel , everyday when ever someone announces a pregnancy I feel my stomach drop , I've cried so much , I keep imagining my DD playing with them and realise it's no longer going to happen . I worry about the future and if I will be able to get pregnant again , I worry god will punish me and not grant me another baby. It's hard going through it but all we can do is hope and forgive our selves and hopefully time will be a good healer xxx

Thank you for sharing your story, I’m so sorry you feel that way! But it sounds like you did 100% what was best for you at the time. I’m an over thinker and would have been really worried about having two children so close together as well! You had to put yourself and your DD first which completely understand. I hope time is a good healer too :) xx

@dreamer2, you really shouldn't feel guilt. If you believe in God (I'm agnostic myself), I've never heard of any religion with a god that punishes people like that, not that I'm an expert but the Christian God is supposed to be all about forgiveness isn't he? That's assuming there's anything to forgive in circumstances like yours. I don't think there is. It's women who have to burden the shoulder of really difficult situations like yours and the op's. I really do think a strong instinct can take hold, then we're left with the emotional fallout. The body rejects pregnancies all the time, when a miscarriage happens (been there too). Why can't it be that the mind sometimes does the same? I don't mean to underplay how profound a decision it is, how complicated and painful. It's been the worst experience of my life outside of losing people in my family. tbh I still think about my own decision sometimes. But guilt isn't fair on you. No one is going to punish you for anything.