Termination

[rperrina]

Hi, so I need some help. My husband and I found out yesterday we are pregnant. Complete shock for both as I have the coil (apparently its meant to be bullet proof).

We have two beautiful boys 5 and 3 already and live in a nice village.

But we are so torn on what to do?! Do we want another baby - not really we are both happy with life st the moment
I'm not sure I would cope mentally becuase I struggled with our second. (We both nearly died at birth)
I'm happy with life now, no nappies, no prams no nursery fees. We are a bit freeer now.

But, these are all selfish reasons not to bring another child into the world! Is that enough?

I hate the word abortion and am scared to go down thst path too.

Any advice, experiences would be helpful.

Also, I'm not a natural mum, I work hard to be a good mum and I'm stressy at times and I already get mym guilt with the two I have!

At the end of the day a termination is always an option for us women here in the uk, lots of people have them early on for various different personal reasons. Your bound to be in shock especially if you have the coil. I'd say you take a bit of time just thinking about how you feel and what you want and then just go with what you decide, they'll be no judgement if you do decide on termination, take care xx

But are there good reasons for you to have another child. You ask if those are good enough reasons not to? That's a crazy way of thinking!

Let's be honest: having children in and of itself is a bit of a selfish act. The world doesn't need more people. But we impose children on the environment anyway.

We're fortunate that in this country just because you fall pregnant (accidentally or otherwise) doesn't mean you have to continue with any pregnancy.

Hello,
I am currently 10+3 with my mire a coil baby.
I was exactly where you are about 2 and a half weeks ago. We have a 6 and 4 year old and a 3rd was definitely out of the question. We had been gleefully getting rid of baby things left and right and centre and very much moving onto the next stage with our little family of 4.
I went to the ersly pregnancy unit to establish wtf was going on with my coil and to check for ectopic as that is a risk with coil pregnancies. The coil wasn't in situ, had gone at some point. The little thing was measuring at 8+3. The midwives were brilliant and talked me through all the options. Gave me details for Marie stopes.
I contacted Marie stopes and was actually booked in for an assessment. They also offer counselling.
However after a long night of talking and crying and talking with dh - who has been amazing, we decided to continue with the pregnancy.
Since I allowed myself to think about it, I've got a little bit excited. And I am horrifically sick throughout pregnancy - severe hyperemesis gravadium which is in full force, and I haemorrhaged with both labours.
Whatever you decide is fine x

*mirena coil

It's over a week since I made the decision by the way and I feel much more mentally settled.
Contact gp or early pregnancy unit first of all to establish the situation, and then take it from there. You can npas and Marie stopes directly you don't need referrals if you choose.

Thank you for your messages...i mean I'm no closer to a decision but they are helpful.

We have done the same, getting rid of baby things...we don't have anything left!

If I'm honest, I dont think I want another baby and that makes me incredibly sad to say but I have to be honest and realistic. The thought of a baby is much better than the reality sometimes.......

Honestly, my head was all over the place that first 10 days.
I don't want a baby
I can't have a baby
We need a new car
We wrote down all of our concerns with both options and literally went through them in detail one by one. I recommend you try this. It starts to show you what your main concerns are and once you start to group them you can see if they're gut reaction concerns or genuine. One of my husbands was 'I go for a bike ride on a Sunday morning'. We discussed it, and it's not an issue. There might be a handful where he can't go because we've had a bad night with aa newborn, but in reality that single activity won't stop.
We established that for us, we could afford it, we had the space, it's just that it was a shock and we planners. Once we allowed ourselves to court the idea and start thinking logically I had visions of myself dropping the older DC at school pushing a pram.
But, I also hated the new born stage. It's a stage it passes. And no child can be worse than my DD for sleep
It absolutely is a head vs heart decision and that doesn't make it any easier. For us personally, I believed any termination would have mentally affected me. I spoke to three people who I knew had surprise pregnancies. One continued and the baby is the light of her life, one terminated and still regrets it, one terminated and no regrets. It's such an multi faceted decision. My heart goes out to you. It was the most difficult fortnight of my life

I think I can see us with this baby and thats why its so hard.

We don't really have the space and I'm 100%not moving becuase our location is the best.

My husband is doing up the garahe into a workshop, we have an architect coming round today to discuss extending the kitchen! Stupid things but now we have more money, we are able to have these things. We've just bought our son a £300 bike and will buy one for the youngest too. If we have a third....we can't just do that on a whim.

My husband suffers depression, he's been good recently but can sometimes spend the day asleep and I'm left with the kids.....thats hard. I can see it all falling to me which will be my own doing I get thst but still its the reality of another.

You don’t need a ‘good’ or ‘unselfish’ reason to have a termination, OP. There is no obligation on you to bring a baby into the world unless it’s something you actively want to do. Please don’t feel guilty if that’s what you end up doing - it is your right to do so, and the only reason you need is not wanting to continue the pregnancy.

I think you can drive yourself crazy trying to “justify” it but at the end of the day you don’t need to. I personally think it’s better to have a termination and feel regret then have the baby and feel resentment. Many people have children they shouldn’t have because they felt obligated and that’s not how it should be. If your kicking your legs hard to keep above water and another one will drag you under then your well within your rights to throw yourself a life jacket.

I don't think there is anything wrong with your reasons not to want the baby. You did not plan this, took precautions and worry about your health and happiness. Both your health and happiness affect your husband and existing children too. Do what you think is best for you and your family. I am pregnant with a much tried for second baby but I am almost certain I wouldn't want a third for some of your reasons and others.

@rperrina
I don't think there is someone out there easily going for termination without second thoughts.
It's always sad. But it doesn't mean that it's not the right decision.
You don't need to justify your choice to anyone. As long as you are the one choosing this option for your own reasons then it's the right decision. Nobody will judge you for it.
I had a termination after an unplanned pregnancy and i got a little depressed after because naturally i wished the situation was different, but i never regretted my choice.
Even after struggling to get pregnant later.

You don't need reasons or justifications to not have a baby. Do what you and your DH want. There is no "selfish" here.

All of your comments have been so helpful.

I seem to be breaking all the status quo's in life ( chances of 2nd baby rupturing previous csection is next to non existent but my son did it!) Now, ny coil was still in ave and I'm pregnant.

I think I've come to my decision and it'd the right one for me and my family. Im going to terminate. I know I will feel guilt but I can't bring a baby into a world where I resent it. I love my life how it is now and to have another at the moment isn't right for me.

Thank you to everyone. I was really scared of getting comments from anti termination people and I understand their thought process but I needed support and you guys gave me that!

Give yourself a week to decide. There is no need to feel any guilt whichever you choose! There shouldn't be any taboo about termination, if it's not right for you to have another child it's a good option. If you feel like you need to speak to someone there are counselling options too, don't struggle with your decision on your own

I think you are making right decision. The one thing that really stuck out is that you say your husband has depression. Another baby will likely exacerbate that which will be very hard for you.

Please don't feel bad - you're making a sensible decision here.

Simply not wanting another baby is a perfectly valid reason for not continuing a pregnancy. It’s your body and your life.

I terminated a pregnancy in my 20s. My then boyfriend is my now husband and we’ve gone on to have two children who really are the light of our lives but that was just not the right time for us to have a baby. I agonised over what to do at the time and went backwards and forwards on a decision - not helped by being full of pregnancy hormones. Ultimately, we made a decision that felt the best at the time. No regrets. No guilt. It sounds you are making a decision that’s best for you and your family and that’s absolutely justified.

I have delurked to urge you to take some time to think about this. I was where you are in May with a shock pregnancy and 2 children of a similar age to yours. I was scared but excited. My husband was not at all happy and totally shut down. It was the worst week of my life and I rushed into a medical abortion in a very confused and conflicted state thinking I was doing what was right for my family. I didn't speak to any friends or my mother about it. i wish I had as I know I would not have gone through with it then.

The grief I felt in the aftermath was horrendous. It has affected our relationship and I believe we are forever changed unfortunately. I feel through his lack of support I was pushed into doing something my heart did not want and I dont think I will ever love him quite as much as I did. It has shaken my belief in who I thought he was.

I know it can absolutely be the right thing for some people, and I have always been prochoice (though not a choice i ever expected to make personally).

I regretted it as soon as I took the first pill, but by then it is too late

The actual process was fine. I was terrified but i really need not have worried (i was only 5 weeks).

Perversely I have now convinced him to try for a 3rd as I think it is the only way I can recover mentally. He isn't happy about it, but accepts it is the only way forward for us. Basically its a huge mess.

Sorry if this isn't helpful, but please be sure you want to go through with the termination before you do. I convinced myself it was the rational thing to do and for the best and no big deal. For me, this was absolutely not the case.

We also had a list of pros and cons. The cons were extensive and there were very few pros to having another child. Unfortunately all of the sensible practical reasons don't outweigh my sadness at the loss (self inflicted I know).

You don't need a long list of reasons for why you want to terminate, if you don't want a baby you don't have to have one.

However, you only found out yesterday. Give yourself some time to process it, talk it through with a Marie Stopes counsellor before rushing into a decision.

@ElOwenSmile I 100% appriciate where you are coming from I understand your pain and guilt. I really do! Both me and my husband are in agreement on this. Its the best thing for our family. We are supporting each other through it.

I honestly feel safer now we have made the decision. I also wish this didn't happen to me and I dont want to make this decision but I do and we are being sensible adults.

It may be hard on me mentally afterwards, but I won't be inflicting that on a newborn that I dont 100% know I want. I never thought I'd be in this position and its possibly the worse feeling in the world. We will get through it x

I know that without a doubt, if I fell pregnant now, I would terminate. Would I second guess myself? Yes. Would I feel guilty? Yes. Would I be upset? Yes. But I know practically that we can't afford three children, we don't have the space, we would have to buy new baby items, get a different car, not take the same holidays as an extra person is more expensive. Our lives are great with just two children, with three children, the lives of our two children and us would be altered, and most likely, not for better.

What a tricky decision for you to make, and one, sadly, you have to make yourself.

Thats good you are sure, I was conflicted so completely different situation. I wish you all the best with it

I think it sounds like you are feeling better OP now you have made your decision, wishing you the best of luck

I am! I've cried a lot this morning going over it to be honest these past 2 days! I've talked to DH and the doctors. My coil was still in so how now I really feel like we did everything we could to prevent this. Even a vasectomy is only 99% successful so even if DH had one I could still be pregnant.

Weve talked it over and over and I've booked an appointment for Monday to talk to the doctor and hopefully have the tablets sent to me. Im so hoping I dont have to go into hospital to do it as it will be awful.

You guys have also given me reassurance that I'm not some selfish monster!

I am doing what is right for my beautiful family and thats what I need to centrate on