Pregnant with unplanned third and desperately confused please please help me

[munchymoo]

I’m 40, DH and I have 2 DS, one 4.5 years and the other 9 months. We’d pondered in the past about having 3 and this month decided to “see what happened”. Very early considering DS2 is only 9 months and in retrospect totally the wrong time for us. But owing to my age and the fact we had infertility previously and 2 miscarriages, I think age became a deciding factor. In all honesty I realise I’ve become obsessed over the last few years about my age and possibly not being able to have 3, but I’ve realised with great clarity now that it’s never been about wanting 3, it’s been about leaving the door open and still being in control of my choices.

At the time we “did the deed” I wasn’t sure. Afterwards I strongly considered taking the morning after pill but didn’t, not because I wanted to be pregnant but because I was confused and worried that if we really did want a third and later I couldn’t conceive, I’d regret taking it. I’m terrible at making decisions and standing by them.

When I found out last week I’m pregnant we were both a bit shellshocked as honestly didn’t think it would happen. I feel like we’re a stupid couple of teenagers not a married couple in our 40s. I feel so ashamed of myself.

We’ve spoken about it non stop. DH is very supportive and amazing and will do whatever is right for us and would never try to push me one way or the other. We both oscillate daily, even by the hour on what we want to do.

I don’t want to be pregnant. I loved our life with our 2 little boys. We were so happy. I don’t want another baby because our life now is so good. I’m worried about the risks with my age and how having a child with a severe needs would affect my 2 children. I want things to go back to normal. I’m pro choice and have already had a consultation with Marie Stopes and they are sending me the medical abortion pills.

But I don’t know if I could go through with it. I don’t want to be pregnant but I don’t know if I can terminate. I’m terrified of a lifetime of regrets. I can cope with immediate post abortion grief and have lots of support but I can’t deal with the idea of in years to come always wondering. I had an abortion at 16 and have never ever regretted it. But then we had a selective reduction procedure (triplets to singleton) a few years ago and although I know it was the right decision for us at the time, I frequently wonder what the “other twin” would have been if we’d decided to keep 2 rather than 1.

I love our family just as it is. But as DH says, we don’t know what life would be like with 3 DC, maybe it would be better. Maybe not. I can’t believe I’d ever look at DC3 and regret having him or her, but is that enough to make me go ahead with this? Do I want my family to change in this way? I’d be 41 with a 5 year old, an 18 month old and a newborn. DS2 would still be a baby and need me so much. I’d be spread so thinly.

Please please help me. I know no one can tell me what to do but if anyone has been here before please share your experience if you can. Or if anyone can just help me with the decision making process and the fears of regret and the what ifs compared to making an active choice to stick with where we’re happy. I just don’t know what to do and I genuinely can’t see a way out.

I should edit the title but I can’t, this wasn’t “unplanned” as such but I realise now that our reasons for trying were really wrong.

Anyone?

I have 3. In a similar way to you my number 3 was a twin so not 'planned' as such. I absolutely love all of them and wouldn't change it for the world. It's not always easy- but that's parenting for you.
However no one can make the right decision for you this time and you have to decide what's right for your family, but you sound as if you'll always be thinking 'what if' if you don't go through with it. Hope it works out for you.

Similar story here. Unplanned third at 38 years old last year with a 5 and 2 year old.
Was terrified, had planned to go back to a full time career last year.
My 3rd is now 9 months old and we couldn't be happier. She had just slotted in and we couldn't imagine life without her. Have found 3 much easier than 2.
My 5 year old is amazing at helping out and we've really encouraged him to read to his younger siblings which he absolutely loves.
The hardest part of having 3 kids was finding a car that would be suitable for 3 isofix. Once we sorted that the rest is much easier. It is stressful at times, usually when they're all tired or the older two are fighting - only for a period during the day.
Wouldn't have it any other way.
You have to do what's best for you. Good luck with whatever you decide

Your post has a lot of emphasis on not wanting a third, after talking about having a third and now being pregnant with a third. Your main concern would be regret. Realistically, in your situation, I was be planning a termination and organising some counselling so that I could mitigate the emotional impact. However, I think in your case there is nothing wrong with going to explore the termination option and speaking to the healthcare professionals, and maybe going as far as getting the date and reflecting upon your emotions as things become more concrete. Are you more relieved? Or more regretful? This may help you to decide what your gut instinct is. However, remember to be objective and review finances, pensions, housing costs, schooling costs etc as emotion doesn't take away rationality in making a decision like this

Hi OP I’m in a very similar boat here. Pregnant with number 3. Already have beautiful 3 and 1 yr old children. Thought I wanted this but share all of the same concerns as you - ruining our lovely family, number 3 not being healthy or having additional needs, not being able to split myself between 3. Mainly the feeling that I’ve made life much, much harder. I’m 8 weeks now and still undecided. I also feel like I don’t want this but I’m too scared to terminate. Can’t give you advice as such but just wanted you to know that there is someone else out there feeling like you do

Hi all I'm in the same position I am 7 weeks I'm 41 and already have 2 DC 11 and 8 so I feel my family is complete. This was a total accident, however I am going back and forth hourly as to what to do. My DH is supportive as to what I decide even though he would prefer to keep our family as it is. So it seems all down to me. Im totally scared about starting over again and the massive age gap between my children but I'm also so scared to actually take the pill and end this pregnancy. I don't think I can go through with it. I am so confused, I'm scared to do it again. But will I be able to love with the what ifs. Can't stop crying

sorry I'm 40 will be 41 if go through with this

Another one here pregnant with unplanned number 3 and panicking. I’m around 6 weeks pregnant. My children are 7 and 4. I’m terrified about the strain this baby is going to put on our family. I’m so nervous and a bit ashamed. I’m so worried about telling people. I feel like a teenager. I don’t think I can have an abortion. I’m just so confused. You are not alone op.

Its so awful, the tablets arrived yesterday. I said to the nurse last week I will go through with a termination but as I have them here I don't think i can do it! The decision is making me feel so ill. I did talk to a Councillor but that didn't really help me she was very helpful but it made me no clearer what to do. I know time is ticking and that's what feels worse.

Hi @munchymoo, I was in a similar situation a month ago, unplanned pregnancy with no 5. I had always fantasized about no 5, talked about no 5, but when no 5 became a reality I was shellshocked. God and like you, just felt so stupid and ashamed.

So I made the decision to terminate. Absolutely the hardest decision of my life and I still think about it multiple times a day. It was definitely the right decision to make for my family, we already live in a very delicate equilibrium in terms of time with the kids 😬 and I'm not sure if my marriage would have made it through another 3 years of pregnancy/baby/toddler! But I do regret it. Or more, I regret being in the situation where I had to make that decision. The day the pills arrived I stood in the kitchen ready to throw them out, then I realised that 1. If I miscarried naturally I would be happy/relieved (which I didn't want to feel about any of my kids) and 2. If the baby had serious health issues or problems, the big losers would be my older kids. I would rather regret an abortion than regret having another child 😣 I'm not saying my reasons would be valid for anyone else, but that's what sealed the deal for me in the end. And the second I took the first pill I felt immediately relieved.

To be honest, the whole thing is still a bit surreal to me, the time I was pregnant was so awful and I made a decision I NEVER thought I would make, and in many ways still can't believe I did. But it was 100% the right thing for my family, even if my heart doesn't agree with my head 🤦‍♀️

Anyway. Good luck OP. Hope you manage to make a decision, shout out if you need any more moral support. 'Talking to other ladies on here was a great help to me ❤

Thank you so much @Smurfsrock and all ladies on this post. @Smursrock I feel like you in that I don’t want to spread myself too thin and my 2 boys miss out, plus the risk of health issues with number 3. I know I only have 2 kids but everyone has their comfortable point I guess.

The medication has arrived and when I opened it I couldn’t imagine taking it, it felt wrong and my protective instinct kicked in. I’m so trrrified I’d regret. But reading your post about feeling relieved as soon as you’d taken the first pill makes me feel relieved in that I could possibly feel that way.

I don’t want to be pregnant and I’m wishing I’d miscarry (I feel hideous saying that, I’ve had 2 mc and I know horrendous they are), but I can’t bring myself to abort for fear of a life of what ifs and thinking - ah we’d have managed somehow. I have a belief that you’d never regret a child but could regret a termination? Hence why I’m veering towards going wirh the pregnancy but then is that a good reason to continue - it’s not that I wanted the baby I was just too scared to draw a line in the sand and terminate?

I just want my life with my 2 boys back.

What the hell do I do.

Xx

Abortion pills is the most horrific experience of my life. It is not easy even though it was just a miscarriage management. And I think people do regret in most situations they just learn to live with it with time.

Your youngest is 9 months why are so worried that this child will come with special needs? Just because you turned 40? It doesn't look like you are ready to take a termination decision now. You need more time. Let your husband help. You are a family, you will get through this together.

@munchymoo I feel exactly the same as you its like you have written what I am thinking. I have the pills here and I can't bring myself to take them. But going forward feels me with dread and upset. This is truly awful. I know I need to make a decision within the next day or so and I'm still not 100% on any option.
I tossed a coin thats how desperate I felt. It came out to keep the baby and i felt relief and slight happiness, then the doubt, the hard work, the large age gap, my husband not being 100% happy and I'm back to square 1.

Hi Op, sounds like you are in an awful situation. You want to have a miscarriage, because then the decision would be taken away from you. It’s like with the fertility thing, you didn’t want another baby, but you decided to try for one because then if you were unable to have one due to your age (despite having only recently had a baby), the decision would be made for you. You have made previous hard decisions in your life, sounds like you need to make another one. Having another baby is bringing a person into the world and all the responsibilities that it brings. I have 2 DC and if I accidentally got pregnant again I would no question have an abortion for my Existing 2 children, to give them the best life I can give them. Hormones do strange things to us, you need to think logically about this. Good luck

We've just come through this and are about to give birth to my third. I totally understand and could have written your post— it wasn't planned but I'd always liked the idea of a third and didn't think it would happen. Was shocked when it didn't happen. I only felt more comfortable with it all when we'd had the big scans and blood tests. I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant until 20 weeks. I have two boys and found out at the 7 week scan that I had miscarried twins. What a relief; really it was. I knew then that it was a girl and a change rather than wanting a girl has been the excitement in the pregnancy. All our families are delighted and so are our friends. No one has been negative. I'm still very worried about a lot of what ifs in terms of the baby having issues etc and the birth and that does keep me awake as I worry about the impact on the other kids and our family.

Forgot to say, I had an abortion booked and just couldn't go through with it.

I'm unexpectedly pregnant too. 5 weeks today (had a TV scan yesterday). I'm terminating. I'm 25, DH is 30, we have an 8mo. We've spoken about having two but not yet, we're comfortable financially to provide DD with everything she needs, can have days out etc and have childcare sorted for when I return to work next month. We discussed this pregnancy when I found out and we've decided to terminate based on the complications that would arise in relation to what I mentioned above. I feel guilty that we let this happen, although DD is EBF and I'm on the pill, but I would feel even more guilty knowing we couldn't give both children what we can currently give DD now. We'd much rather wait until we can afford another child, have suitable childcare for both etc. You have to do what is best for you and yours at this moment in time. You love your boys and your family now, so even if you do terminate and then cannot her pregnant again in the future, you'll always know you did right by your family at the time. Good luck with what you choose

I have been in a totally different situation (decision on amniocentesis due to chromosomal marker indicating high risk) but in the end I just had to try and take myself out of the decision. That sounds crazy but I thought which family would I place my DS with. A) the one who took practical decisions based on the good of the family or B) the one that just went for it, dealt with the consequences and hoped for the best. I opted for B and it was the best decision of my life. But both are totally valid. I am so sorry you are in this position but that time when you are making up your mind is the hardest. Once the decision is made you can work towards making your peace with it. I wish you all the best.

Hi OP. I'm in a similar situation and I understand perfectly well how you are feeling. I'm still undecided about what I want to do, and it's killing me every day. Good luck xxx

No one can tell you what’s best only you know that. Forgive me for saying but you seem to be catastrophising your options. The vast majority of 40 year olds have happy healthy pregnancies and babies. I did. And lots of families have three children and the kids cope fine. If you don’t want a third that’s fine too.

I had an unexpected third baby. My DH wanted me to terminate and my head knew I should terminate, but I did not want to and so did not do so. I terminated a pregnancy many years before and do not regret that one bit- but it did mean I knew the difference between an unplanned pregnancy I did not want to continue and an unplanned pregnancy I did not want to end, if that makes sense.

When you spoke to Marie Stopes, did you talk about the conflict you feel and the concerns you have? In your shoes I would try to access further discussion with MS, or BPAS or similar. You have time. You can take a few weeks to make a final decision.

OP, I once found myself in your position. I did terminate and realised almost straight away that I had made a terrible mistake that could not be undone. (incidentally the only way I was able to begin to recover was to become pregnant again almost immediately).

If you’re looking for someone to give you a hug and say “don’t worry, it’ll be ok”, then here you go. It’ll be ok. More than ok. xx

How are you doing OP? I’m still having many moments where I think to myself that I can’t go through all of this again. Pregnancy is so, so hard for me. But then I do wonder, will I feel differently once I am further along and the hideous sickness and tiredness abates? And what if I don’t, and it’s then too late?! Hope you are finding it a little easier to reach a decision x

Thanks @Upsydaisydaisydo, I’m in exactly the same boat. I feel horrendous emotionally. Not functioning. Oscillate by the hour as to what to do. I don’t want to be pregnant, I don’t see any positives in continuing and I love our family just as it is, but I can’t get over the massive fear of regret and a lifetime of what ifs and wondering what she or he would have been like. It’s killing me and consuming my every moment. Physically too I am exhausted and my body does not feel like it wants to start this again, I’m still breastfeeding and 9 month old baby wakes frequently through the night, I feel depleted. I don’t know how I’m going to get to a decision. X