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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

I knew it and I’m devastated

27 replies

Reallyneeedhelp · 09/04/2020 10:37

I bought a test this morning and it’s positive. I don’t want it to be.
I’ve had a termination before. It was awful but it was the right thing to do. I have a family. We cannot have another.
And now we’re stuck in.
And I don’t know where to go
I’m broken

OP posts:
Needingsupportplease · 09/04/2020 11:41

So sorry your in this position I'm also there with you. Pregnant and not a clue what to do and how I'm going to live with the regret of either decision. X

Original poster
Reallyneeedhelp · 09/04/2020 14:03

It feels ironic really that I’ve been on this site before and supported others and here I am right back in these shoes and I can’t even talk any sense.

I’ve checked my local clinic who can do telephone appointments and send out meds. @Needingsupportplease it sounds like most places may take this route for pregnancies under 12 weeks.

It upsets me a lot as I had difficulty trying for our first born. I would never ever have considered this, back then, so i hate myself for it.

I’m not so worried about the process, for me that wasn’t bad, it’s the guilt and the self punishment

OP posts:
Finallyamummy · 09/04/2020 19:37

@Reallyneeedhelp so sorry you're in this position, I am too and it's horrible. It was a complete shock, I felt I had completed my family and now this.

I have a phone consultation with BPAS tomorrow morning, still no idea what I'm going to do.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 09/04/2020 19:56

There's absolutely no need to hate yourself Really, I had two abortions following my children because I knew I'd completed my family. I took the morning after pill on both occasions following contraceptive failure and it didn't work.

You really don't need to feel guilt or punish yourself. Abortion can be a positive choice for the family you actually have, rather than something which requires you to think negatively about yourself.

See it as something you're doing for yourself and your children. Happy to chat if you need it.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 09/04/2020 20:00

I was in a similar situation too as I'd miscarried two wanted pregnancies after my youngest was born.

When I got pregnant again five years later that moment had passed, and it was becoming apparent that DD had ASD so the thought of another baby at that point horrified me.

And that's ok you know, just because you want something at a certain time, it's fine not to want it later.

Original poster
Reallyneeedhelp · 09/04/2020 21:00

@ILikeYourHairyHands unfortunately that too is another reason. My oldest has ASD, dyspraxia, hyperacusis, epilepsy and brain damage. She can’t even stand babies around her. :(

If you had asked me years ago I’d consider carrying on, but now? I work so many jobs, I couldn’t even afford this. And I wish I actually could, but none of its practical.

OP posts:
ILikeyourHairyHands · 09/04/2020 21:59

And that's really tough Really, it's ok. It's more than ok, it's a sane and sensible choice.

Having a child with additional needs is hard and it absolutely drains you.

You must not feel bad for making the choice that any rational person would make. You're making this choice for your DD (FWIW my DD cannot tolerate babies either).

OuterMongolia · 09/04/2020 22:02

OP, you know that this is the right decision for you and your family. Don't feel guilty. Sending you strength and peace.

16943389ao · 10/04/2020 22:50

Please don’t feel guilty, it’s also about making the best decision for you and your family. Such a hard time for you but please don’t beat yourself up about it. These things happen and you can’t go ahead with an unplanned pregnancy due to feeling guilty. Sending lots of love.

Original poster
Reallyneeedhelp · 11/04/2020 08:06

Thank you for your love. I feel so lonely. My husband is probably a little frightened to try and talk about it so he just keeps hugging me and the love bombing is grating on me.

I have to wait until next week for my phone appointment. I just hate that it’s happened.

OP posts:
Rosielovi · 13/04/2020 20:00

I’m in the same boat, I couldn’t get an appointment until this Wednesday which would’ve then been almost 3 weeks since finding out and just leaving it in me is making me feel so bad, I have 3 daughters already 11,6 & 5 and also a 13 yr old step daughter who is around a lot, I know if I had it I would somehow manage and it would be fine but I was just settling into the new stage of Lou life with having all my kids at school and returning to work, my husbands not much help as he just says he’ll go with whatever I want which I know is good but I really need some clarity, I’m changing my mind daily and can’t sleep just thinking about it all night, I’m now 7 weeks but known since 2 says after I missed my period but due to COVID the apps been slow! If it was straight away I would’ve gone and done it I reckon but the wait has been what’s really messed my head up....and just to add I’m having the worst sickness etc.....

sunandrose · 13/04/2020 22:52

So sorry you’re in this situation. No words of advice but here if you want to chat. I’ve found out I’m pregnant too. I have a toddler and a 9 month. I’m totally torn. Deep down I know I won’t cope, particularly at this strange time but equally I don’t know I can go through with it. The clinic are phoning me tomorrow as I changed my mind last week. I’ve no idea what I’ll decide.

You have options, take your time and be kind to yourself x

Original poster
ReallyNeeedhelp · 17/04/2020 11:46

Today I had my appointment :( I have to start the medication today. I am so so sad and I know it’s right for my family and me but it doesn’t change the hurt and the guilt. I wish it could be different

OP posts:
OuterMongolia · 17/04/2020 14:35

Holding your hand OP Flowers

Original poster
ReallyNeeedhelp · 17/04/2020 15:11

Thank you outerMongolia I just took the mifepristone. I just want to sit and cry all day.
It’s just a bit of a shock, when I did this years ago it was a drawn out process guided by the hospitals and I had to be scanned too. This has been a slap round the face - phone call, tablets done. It’s a fright. But I can only appreciate how quickly I can move on from this from here

OP posts:
Needingsupportplease · 17/04/2020 16:04

Handhold too I took the second tablets yesterday it all happened very quickly and wasnt as bad as I expected at all xx

Astoatora54 · 17/04/2020 16:08

I'm so sorry OP. Please don't hate yourself - so many of us have been through the same thing or would if we were in that position. I had a pregnancy scare last year and I felt absolutely terrified and so relieved that I was wrong - and that is with years of fertility treament behind me! I hope you are feeling ok.

Emeeno1 · 17/04/2020 16:13

I had a medical termination a month ago. One of the things which I remember a member of staff saying to me was ''You do not have to justify yourself.'

Original poster
ReallyNeeedhelp · 17/04/2020 17:05

@Needingsupportplease I remember thinking this last time, I was surprised but I hope it’s just as non-scary. The painkillers made me cool as ice however Confused

@Astoatora54 I think my guilt comes from that. When I was TTC I had so many miscarriages, a blighted ovum, PCOS and fertility testing for both of us, and I was so desperate and heart broken. Now I feel like old me would have really frowned upon this.

@emeeno1 I was worried what the clinic would say. The lady was lovely and didn’t ask half the stuff I was geared up for. I expected a scalding. I expected I had to justify how I got into this mess.
She didn’t. She just wanted to make sure I was safe and sure of my decision, and that someone would look after me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ReallyNeeedhelp · 17/04/2020 17:07

Can I just say thank you for you all taking the time to respond and hand holds. I’ve only told my best friend and I was terrified of what she would say, I very nearly didn’t tell her but she caught me in a moment where I wasn’t coping and I needed to talk. She’s been amazing even though she has no experience, but even part of me thinks maybe she’s not impressed. Maybe that’s just my own thoughts

OP posts:
beachbreeze · 17/04/2020 17:19

Really feel for you OP. I had a termination a long time ago, before I had my children. I have forever beaten myself up over it and always felt terribly guilty. I hope you have plenty of support... please go easy on yourself and if you feel it is a decision, take a little time Thanks

beachbreeze · 17/04/2020 17:20

Sorry, I see you have taken the medication. I hope you're ok xx

Readysetcake · 17/04/2020 17:20

Sending another hand hold and hugs. I’ve had one a year and half ago as I had a 7 month old baby and a 2.5 year old and knew I just wouldn’t have coped. I wanted to give my best to the children I already had. It’s my biggest fear to have to go through it again but I’m 99% sure I would as I just feel like 2 children is enough for me. I don’t regret my
choice for a second but I felt and sometimes still feel a great sadness and guilt that I had to make the choice. I only told a Couple of people and no one ever mentioned it again or asked how I was getting on. Probably because they were being sensitive to my feelings but makes me feel like I was judged. I imagine it’s impossible not to think these things.

I hope you are ok and not in too much pain and can move in safe in the knowledge that you did what was best for you and your family.

OuterMongolia · 17/04/2020 20:29

Hope you're feeling ok, OP

mumchkin · 17/04/2020 20:49

So many women have been through the same. Thinking of you. Hope you feel ok x