Termination at 17-18 weeks help!!

[Broken13heart]

Hi everyone, I'm very scare and desesperare. I have 5 children and a month ago I just found out that I am pregnant at 13 weeks. I was thinking a lot this month pased but in our situation I know it’s the right decision even though it hurts. I hate myself for waiting at this time. Looking on the internet the process is killing me more because i see in youtube a video how they cut each of the parts breaks my heart. I’m scare of surgery and the process d&e, I'm afraid to the future and may God punish me with my 5 children in the future. I'm scare of a hemorrhage too or a perforation. My husband doesn't know anything about my feelings and I would have to lie to him that I lost the baby and a my obgyn too. I have my appointment for Tuesday and I need words of support from you who have been through this please help me!!! I'm going crazy!!! Is there a justification when you have fewer weeks than when you have more weeks?
Im sorry for my grammar the english is not my first lenguaje

Are you sure it's the right choice? Otherwise why are you torturing and punishing yourself with these videos? And why not tell your husband? He should be your support.

You don't need to justify abortion regardless of weeks, you just need to be relieved, indifferent or confident in your decision. You sound the opposite. Have you had counselling to help you through this and stop you torturing yourself.

You need to talk to your partner about this , this is his child too , he may be able to help you in a decision, seems like you don't want to do this , don't torture yourself watching videos, because otherwise your going to regret your decision and punish yourself, you really need to talk this through with babys father, your midwife/doctor in order to come to a decision. Last thing you should do is lie about it because it will niggle away at you and cause more pain x

Hang on, if the ops partner can’t understand or support the ops thinking that she can’t have this child, telling him is not necessarily the answer and could make her life miserable!! Op, why do you say your husband won’t understand? Will he welcome this child? Does he look after, care for and play with his other children?

It sounds like she's already pretty miserable about this. We don't know that her husband won't be supportive and she needs support. If she sounded confident in her decision that would be different but she sounds decidedly unconfident and punishing

You've seen the videos, they are upsetting because it's an upsetting reality. It might not be right for you to raise this child, but you still have a choice of what happens to him or her, including adoption. Yes that will also be emotionally devastating, but so from what you've put so will an abortion at this stage be. Your already torturing yourself with what it entails, at least this way you'll know that the baby will be alive and well. Or you are if you can make room for an extra child and get sterilised after birth to ensure its the last. Your have the choice to keep the baby or not, and if not you have the choice what to do with it.

Thank you all for your comments, my husband would unfortunately never support me with an abortion, he wants this baby and wants me to have it. Actually my reason for the abortion is because we can’t financially and physically with another baby. My husband cheats himself because he goes against his religion but it’s better to bring a child to suffer? My husband is the only one working hard every day for give them the best, and it’s hard because those kids depends from us, and add another one how would we do it? I know I deserve to be punished and I’m sure I will never forgive myself for doing this but my world closes me when I think about the future with another baby. I want the best for my children, they are my everything and the best thing that has happened to me in life, but it’s sad not to be able to give them so many things. They have a bed to sleep, a plate on their table but you know now the children want all those expensive toys, vacation in Disney, they have the love of their parents but my heart breaks because we are not to be able to give them more and it’s so sad. My obgyn is prolife and my friends and family too. I don’t have nobody to talk about this, I can't sleep, I can't eat because I'm thinking and thinking about the right decision

Don't torture yourself by watching those videos.

Miscarriages happen all the time which in itself could be put down to the work of God, so why would God punish you for doing the same? God loves everybody and forgives all.

Have a think and do what's right for you and if you but honestly stop watching those videos - it'll do no good!

Please don't focus on keeping up with the Jones. Kids really just need shelter, love and those who love them. Anything else is a bonus, not a must.

You don't deserve to be punished, you deserve whatever you want- be it abortion or continuing. But it must be what you want. Whatever you decide, can you get sterilised after so you never have this heartache again?

I'm not sure what you mean by your dh cheating himself? Does he have another woman?

Sorry, my grammar is not very good. I want to says my husband cheats himself because in his interior he knows we can't with another child and because abortion is seen as one of the greatest sins for our religion. When I had my fifth child (which was also a surprise) I asked my obgyn to cut my tubes because I didn't want any more children but I had a very difficult birth and a hemorrhage that I need a blood transfusion and that's why my doctor did not want to do it and here i am pregnant again.

I'm also very afraid of having another girl (i have the feeling) I already have 3 beautiful daughters and the future terrifies me for them. Unfortunately, women are always seen like “weak sex” front the men’s and men’s are always going to see us with less. It’s a taboo exists for years and years, that’s why never been allowed to any woman to govern a country because “machismo” has always existed. The women are strong and for me the best creation of God in many aspects but we also have to suffer more. In the news on the tv in my country every day is: kidnap girls, ripped women’s, kill women is a sad feticide that has existed through the years. I want the best for my daughters but I have a lot of fear for them for they futures, and I want always protect them. I wish they didn't grow up and they wouldn't have to face the world but it's impossible i know ...
I want them to be strong women, fighters and entrepreneurs so they never depend on a man and don't have to lower their heads. I want to be able to protect them always...

Surely he's going to know you've not had a miscarriage. How are you going to explain it. Also your obgyn will know you've not miscarried. Won't your husband want to know what's happened to the baby?

Don't torture yourself with the YouTube videos. Babies need love and care and a place to sleep and milk. Many children do not go to Disney land or have expensive gifts. They are still happy. You need to work out if you could love another child or not. You say your DH wants baby. Is he a good Dad? Will he help with another baby? Could you live comfortably with yourself if you abort? Only you know the answer. Could you have baby adopted? Would your DH accept this as an option? You should discuss all options with your DH as it is his baby too. Whatever you do get your DH to get a vasectamy. You could tell him you will have baby if he has vasectamy. If you abort you should tell your DH as you will be in hospital and he will need to care for kids. You will need support after too.

My husband is not a bad father but he is not the best, he works from Monday to Saturday from 8 am to 6 pm but regularly comes home from 8-9 pm because after work he stays to drunk with his brother. That is something that bothers me a lot because I don’t get much support from him and he is a great drinker and smoker and does not devote much time to the kidz. I get more help from my older daughter than from my husband and that makes me very sad because it’s not her responsibility, however she is a great support for me she is a good sister and the best daughter ever.

I’m stay with the children all day, cooking, cleaning the house and taking care of my 5 kidz only myself. I have 13 years dedicated to my children complety and I’m really tired. My youngest son is turning 3 years old soon and I was just resting a little more because he’s no longer a baby and thinking about having another baby and start again terrifies me completely but I also don't want to bring a baby to suffer if mentally I don't feel able to give her/him everything because a newborn needs so much, and most of all to have a lot of patience.

I don't have the strength to raise a baby anymore. Do I have the right to be selfish? I feel the worst mother in the world because this baby in my belly did not ask to be there. I’m also afraid if I have this baby that I may fall into a depression and that I will not be able to take care of my kidz because economically and physically I see it impossible you know a newborn needs so much, and most of all to have a lot of patience.

I’m completely alone, I don’t have any family here and I don’t have friends because I dedicated myself to my children completely. I miss my family and my parents very much and that also depresses me a lot.

I am thinking of having a medical abortion if I can get the pills, I prefer to be the one who suffers, I have read that it works until 20 weeks and it is very effective.
Help me please I need so much support

I don’t think you would be able to have a medical termination at this point but it’s worth calling Marie Stopes/BPAS as I know in some circumstances it may be possible
You would need someone to take you home after a GA and ideally someone to look after you for that day at least

I think you need to speak to someone (not your OB or husband) about what an abortion at this stage will be like. Don't believe youtube videos.

Then make a decision. And if you have the abortion, ask them about getting a Mirena coil or some other long lasting contraceptive.

If you can't cope, emotionally or physically or financially with another child, don't have one. It is your choice.

Please please don't watch videos and torture yourself :( I can't even imagine the situation your in right now.. please speak to a doctors and explain your situation, see what they can say and advice they can offer you, they will also tell you properly about the medical procedure 💓💙

In your country (I assume you are not in the UK) where would you go for an abortion? Can you go there for a discussion first?

Medical abortions aren't possible so far along - please see a specialist ASAP

You aren't selfish, your husband however is. Selfish and self absorbed.

You don't deserve to suffer. You deserve to be supported, respected and to have your husband work as a team with you. I'd look to get rid of him, whatever happens in your pregnancy.

Oh OP your post breaks my heart I wish I was there to give you a cuddle and tell you it will be alright.

You also sound like a fantastic mother so please don't beat yourself up by thinking otherwise. You do almost everything for your five children in difficult circumstances, they will be so grateful to you in years to come. It also sounds like you have to suffer and endure a lot both at home and in your country and I can understand why this baby feels like the end of the world.

I think you should know that your feelings and your desperation and your choice to terminate (if that's what you decide) are completely valid and OK! Its not up to anybody here to judge you or tell you what to do as we don't know your situation.

But if you do decide to have an abortion I think you have very good reasons for that. You are not a selfish person at all and your reasons for considering termination here are NOT selfish, I can tell you are only thinking of the lives of your other children. And how difficult a sixth baby would be for you, which will also impact on your children.

I have so much sympathy for you OP and you must have confidence that what you decide will be right and okay. You must do what's right for you.

With regard to God, I cannot do better than another poster who said that God loves you and will forgive you. We are all flawed creatures and this is not a situation completely of your own making. Please do what is right for you and don't feel guilty about it

Hi @Broken13heart I'm so sorry you are suffering so much, it sounds like you are full of anguish about this decision. It also sounds like you do want to terminate, or feel you must, and I think you should go with your gut on this decision. You are not selfish to terminate, you are doing it for the good of your other children and yourself, if you are exhuasted and unable to cope, it will affect your family. You have dedicated 13 years to children and you deserve to have time for yourself now. Please don't watch the videos and try to accept and forgive yourself. You sound like a lovely mother, especially with your daughters, who you are raising to be strong women. Try to think about what you would say to a friend or your own daughter in your situation - surely you would support her to do what is right for her? Give yourself that love that you would give to a friend.

It sounds like you are very alone if all of your family and your obgyn are pro life. Is there a different doctor you can see? Are there free counselling services available? Which country are you in?

You need to find some support locally. In the UK and some other countries there are womens refuges, and counselling services free of charge. Perhaps you can ask for some advice and help?

If termination is available to you in a safe and sterile environment and it feels like your only option, then you should NOT feel guilty to do it. Many women feel they cannot bring a child into this world and it is your body, it is YOUR choice. It is not your husband's choice, even though of course ideally you would have his support. If he is not going to give you his support then you still have the ability to go ahead. It is your choice. Your body.

I wish you so much luck. Remember, God is forgiving, and will understand. You are not a bad person. xx

I was going to have one when I was around the same time as you .... honestly I got as far as putting the cafetar in my hand and I run and freaked out and didn't go back I now have 2 weeks left of my pregnancy and I am so happy I wasn't prepared at all was the least prepared but when you see the scans and if you get a 3D one it is actually a little life . It's completely up to you but everything will work out x

Can you talk to the clinic, you already feel, bad about this (with no need) but you will have to live with it afterwards unsupported.

@Rubybluesy hardly helpful. I'd guess that religious or cultural differences may have played a part. The OP did request to be sterilised.

OP you have to do what's right for you. If that's a termination and you can access that safely then that's perfectly ok. Please don't beat yourself up.