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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

Would they let me take it home? Possibly sensitive..

30 replies

Anonbigbob · 08/01/2020 22:43

Following on from my other thread, turns out I'm going to have to travel 300 miles to get the termination if I do go ahead with it. Which makes it even worse for me as the thought is making me sick yet everyone is telling me it's the right thing to do. I still can't make my mind up, I'm trying my best but I can't think straight.

I've been searching on Google but I couldn't find anything about whether they let you take baby home with you. The Bpas website only says they remove it as soon as possible but I don't think I could just leave it there. I would want to take it home to bury where I want. I've been told it's 'creepy' and weird that I want to do this, but my heart is attached and leaving it behind would break me apart, I hope someone else understands. It'll be 15 weeks, so a late term medical termination.

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 08/01/2020 22:49

I am pretty sure you won't be able to do this. Have you been given the chance to discuss your pregnancy options with a professional?

Original poster
Anonbigbob · 08/01/2020 22:53

I'm going to the doctors tomorrow but I went last week and they agreed it was best for me due to my mental health. I would love to try my best and continue but I need to be realistic and understand I probably don't have what it takes to be a healthy, mentally stable mother. But there's no way I can leave it behind, my heart just couldn't cope with that

OP posts:
Apileofballyhoo · 08/01/2020 22:56

I believe people do bring the remains (this is the word we use in Ireland for the body at a funeral in case anyone thinks it's weird) home in some cases. I didn't see your first thread so I don't know where you are travelling to and from. But I know Irish people brought the remains home as I heard people talking about it the time of the referendum.

june2007 · 08/01/2020 23:00

I could have done. (but there was only a sack anyway.).My sister had a late miscarriage and took her home and a burial in family grave. But it was different as they were def babies.

Original poster
Anonbigbob · 08/01/2020 23:01

@Apileofballyhoo I'm in Sussex but will have to travel to doncaster as they're the only clinic that do medicals over 10 weeks. I just read a case where someone passed theirs and wasn't even allowed to see it. I'm currently sitting here in tears worried that'll happen to me

OP posts:
sunshinepoppy · 08/01/2020 23:01

Have you considered the impact on your mental health if you do go through with the procedure? I am sure this is a terrifying time for you and the future looks very bleak but it would be awful if this was the wrong path for you. I am sending you many hugs and I am sorry that you are in this position.

stillhangingon · 08/01/2020 23:03

I think this is unlikely. I had a termination because my partner wanted me to. I asked if I could keep my scan photo because I wanted to be able to keep something. The woman looked unsure and hesitated but nodded. I had to ask again afterward as she had 'forgotten' and even after when she gave it to me she didn't actually get a good picture. I'm certain this was intentional but think she had my best interest at heart. It can make things more difficult. I'm sorry you're feeling like this. It is a horrible thing to go through if it isn't what you want, and by the sounds of it it isn't what you want. I have terrible guilt even a few years later and still cry because it was not what I wanted. Please make sure that this is something that you want. Best of luck to you xx

june2007 · 08/01/2020 23:06

I was talking about remains from miscarriage but I don,t see why a termination would be different .

sunshinepoppy · 08/01/2020 23:06

Also be prepared for the callous medical terminology that is used. When I lost my baby I had to have a D&C and they continually referred to her as “the product”. My friend warned me that they would call her that but it still felt like a punch in the gut.

Original poster
Anonbigbob · 08/01/2020 23:09

@sunshinepoppy If I go ahead with it it'll be seen as a TFMR apparently due to how unwell I am, I haven't had any risk assessments but I know I'm too mentally ill to care for myself let alone another human. Especially in this day and age where there's very little support out there. My heart is breaking, I tried to be strong and tell myself I'm strong enough to do it but I won't be the one suffering, it'll be baby. I love it to bits already, this has honestly got to be the hardest and most horrific situation I've ever experienced. But I have severe problems that may lead to me potentially putting baby at harm if I can't cope anymore, as I tend to harm myself as it is and I'm not getting any help or support for it no matter how much I've begged

OP posts:
sunshinepoppy · 08/01/2020 23:35

I am so sorry. Have you thought about asking for help from someone at one of your local pregnancy crisis counselling centres? They could give you practical advice on how to move forward. A quick google shows that there are a lot of them available depending on your area. Local churches also will direct you to practical help. You do not need to be a Christian. You are having a rough time and should use all of the support out there that is available.

YappityYapYap · 08/01/2020 23:36

I don't think you should have the termination if you feel this way OP

raffle · 08/01/2020 23:40

Could you possibly consider adoption?

StarUtopia · 08/01/2020 23:42

I don't think you should have a termination either .

marnieja · 08/01/2020 23:47

Hi OP I had a termination in East Sussex at 13 weeks if you want to PM me I can let you know where - it's a long way to travel and I'm sure you can be closer to home

Cherrysherbet · 08/01/2020 23:51

Have you looked into adoption? Maybe it could be a positive outcome for you, the baby and a couple who would love and care for your baby? Sending you good thoughts and wishes during such a difficult time for you 💐

headsaway123 · 08/01/2020 23:54

Why did you wait until 15 weeks to have an abortion?

OhWellThatsJustGreat · 08/01/2020 23:54

My heart is breaking for you op, this feels like a complete no win situation for you.
Sending you hugs and strength, remember whatever you do, it's what's best for you and you baby, even if that is a termination. I hope you get the support you need, and we're all here if you need to sound off any time.

marnieja · 09/01/2020 00:20

@headsaway123 how is that a helpful comment Hmm

Original poster
Anonbigbob · 09/01/2020 00:23

@headsaway123 I found out recently. I don't think anyone would wait this long deliberatly, do you?

OP posts:
frankincenseandmur · 09/01/2020 00:26

I was on your other thread, would you consider adoption

VioletRose20 · 09/01/2020 00:37

Have you spoken to Marie stopes? Apparently the do surgical procedures up to 20odd weeks?

Original poster
Anonbigbob · 09/01/2020 00:40

I opted for the medical as I've been through them before. I couldn't do surgical, I just don't like the sound of it at all. I know it'll be easier and less traumatising but I couldn't do it

OP posts:
Flacker · 09/01/2020 00:43

You can absolutely take the remains home, tell them that's what you want to do before you consent to any medical treatment. They might be a bit weird about it but they can't say no.

I understand why you would want to do this and if you feel it could help you then you just have to do what's right for you. But I agree with PPs, don't forget you have other options although I'm sure you already know this but it's worth having a think about.

Nifflernancy · 09/01/2020 00:44

Sorry no specific advice but Flowers for you... I’m so sorry.