I can’t decide if I should terminate or not... HELP

[Pizza1997]

So I am pregnant, and one second I am completely sure I should have a termination the next I want the baby I'm worried that whichever choice I make I’ll regret and feel I should of chose differently!

A little background me and my fiancé have been together about 3 years, We both have good jobs, we do live together in a rented a house and have done for for around 6 months.
I guess on paper it seems like a good time to have a baby, apart from us not being married, we do usually have a pretty good relationship, apart from I really don’t get along with his family and sometimes that can effect us and cause an argument and when we do argue these arguments are really explosive.
When I found out I was pregnant I was so shocked and when I told my fiancé, his first reaction was "I'm not ready for a baby, we can't do this’’ he since then has said he’s 100% sure he does not want to have a baby yet, But he has said He would support me either way in whatever I decide and I know it is my decision, but I guess I would feel bad about forcing him into something he doesn’t want. And I'm not even fully sure that I want the baby either. My mind is just so split.
I'm not sure I want to be tied to him with a baby for the rest of my life.
If I do have the baby I would feel so bad and guilty that this has been such a negative start and it wasn't happy news, and I would have to bring the child up knowing I wasn’t sure if It was wanted.
Has anyone been in a similar situation and can advise on how they made a choice?
I've never been this confused about anything in my life.

I'm not sure I want to be tied to him with a baby for the rest of my life I think that says a lot . If you don’t see yourself with him, happy with a child then I don’t think it’s a good idea but equally it’s your body , your life and your decision . We can’t decide for you x

Sometimes I feel like I could be with him forever but when we argue it just gets really explosive and I think could I rest be? Just so split in what to do

But you're engaged. You know marriage is 'supposed' to be forever right? If you can't see yourself being with him forever then don't get married, let alone have a baby with him

We got engaged a year ago now, we've Been a little rocky past few months and I think that’s what’s kind of made me think could I be fully attached to him forever? Don’t get me wrong when we’re good we’re so bad but when we’re bad it’s really bad

When we’re good we’re good*

Have you been using protection?
You ve been having sex so you know it makes a baby right?
You shouldn't use abortion as a contraceptive, you ll never feel ready for a baby but don't just kill it because you don't feel ready

We can’t make this choice for you because it’s your life that will change forever, but my input is that I would make sure you see your relationship lasting. Having a baby only adds to the stresses and strains, especially if there are already issues with the family as they will probably want to be involved in some way. My fiancé and me have a six month old, we very rarely argue but having a baby has tested us at times.

You are tied forever with a child and it can’t be taken back so I think you are right to think about it so carefully. Baby’s are a joy and I love being a mum, but I am very glad I waited until I was in a very stable situation, I can’t imagine having major relationship problems with a newborn.

Everyone has bad times of course but if your doubting if it will last already that’s not a good sign. If your bad times are explosive then adding a baby to the mix might not be wise.

Best of luck whatever you decide, I’m sure you’ll make the best of either situation :)

We did use protection but both agreed when we had a place of our own we would be happy whenever a baby happened he kind of changed his tune I believe that if he would of been happy about it I would of been the fact that he’s said no I don’t feel ready makes me doubt what I want.
I can’t picture myself with anyone but him and I wouldn’t even want to I think it’s more the idea of maybe even us breaking up in the future that we wouldn’t just be able to walk away from each other which is a scary thing

I think when you find out your pregnant, alot of things go in your head like
'how am I going to cope'
'do I really want my life to change that way'

Men get more scared than women I would say about a pregnancy cause its totally out of there control, I know my man was like that but he just didn't show it and just calmed me down when we found out.
I think we re the same age if you were born in 1997.
I had my baby in 2018 and he's the best thing in the world.
Me and my partner couldn't imagine life without him.

The only thing I can say is I know alot of women who have had an abortion and regretted it, but I don't know one single woman who has ever regretted having their baby.

Good luck hun x

Your right, I don’t doubt he wouldn’t be there and support me it’s just the fear. Did it cross your mind to terminate or did you just know you wouldn’t want to do that?
Thanks for reply
X

What protection were you using? Because your post about protection makes it sound like you weren't actually bothered about using it properly - was it just a shock for him or was it a shock for you both?

Honestly - you've said you're not sure about tying yourself to him for life.
Your arguments get explosive - you can't be like that around a baby.
He doesn't want the baby.

Are you prepared to bring up the baby on your own if you needed to?
Could you do it financially and emotionally?

Having a baby doesn't mean you have to stay with him. You just have to co-parent (I know I'm making that sound easier than it is) but can have minimal contact if you needed to.

Is he likely to get on board but then use the baby against you in arguments?

I was on the pill, but when we got our own house I stopped taking it, because we both agreed at that time that we would be happy whenever it happened.
When I found out initially I was so happy, but him saying he’s not ready for a baby ect made me doubt my happiness.
As for not wanting to tie myself to him for life I mean more in the sense of if we did break up for whatever reason it would be so difficult because I’d always have that tie to him, I couldn’t just walk away from him and that does scare me.
I believe I financially could bring up a baby on my own and I do have a really good supportive family, but his family is the type that would be trying to drag a child through court for appropriate days and time for them to see the baby ect and that does scare me too and feel that would be awful for a child.
I’m just so scared any choice I make won’t be the right one :(

So you were actively trying for a baby (not using contraception) and now he's changed his mind? That's pretty shitty of him. Is he normally like this?

His family don't have rights to court-ordered contact.
He could take you to court for contact if he wanted to but they wouldn't get very far with it.

I'm guessing from your username that you're 22? Is he the same age? You sound much more mature than him. Do you feel ready emotionally? Do you think you'd regret doing it when you're young?

You sound like you want the baby to be honest but I understand what you mean about not wanting to have to have anything to do with him if you split.

Does he get on with his family? Could you cope with them being around much more when baby's born?

Yeah basically! We wasn’t like planning but just said whenever it happened it would happen, I didn’t expect him to change his mind the way he did.
I am 22 yeah, he’s the same age also! I did question why he changed his mind, and he said he thought he was ready but when it happened he felt different. But he did say whichever way I do end up choosing he will be there to support me.
I think I question absolutely everything like will o regret this because I’m still Young? Sometimes I think no because it would be great to be a young mum who can be around with my children for as long as possible but then on the other hand I think should I of done more with life before I settle down?
He goes to see his family about once a month, I don’t go with him though he usually goes whilst I’m at work, so I guess if we have a baby the time we see them wouldn’t exactly change I guess
Thank you so much for your response x

Ok from my experience then I got pregnant at 23. Perfectly stable, living with DP, we had been together 6 years, completely planned.
He's 10 years older.

Got the BFP and he freaked out, like big time.
His DM had told me since that if she was me she'd have kicked him out. That's how bad he was. He honestly was in shock for like a week.
I was looking for somewhere else to live. I was ready to leave him and do it on my own.
But then he came round to the idea. He calmed down and realised he was being a massive prick.

Then once we got to the 12 week scan he changed completely. It seemed 'real' and he was so excited.

DD is 8 months old now and he absolutely adores her and he hates himself for the way he acted and treated me in the beginning.

Honestly tell him you're keeping the baby (if that's what you want) and that you'll do it on your own if you have to.
Tell him if he doesn't want to be there anymore he needs to leave before your 12 week scan or whatever. Give him a deadline. He needs to understand what he's putting you through. Hopefully it's just shock and he'll realise he's a knob x

I think maybe if I was straight with him and said look this is what I am doing he would support me I think it’s the fact I’m so confused why he’s not able to come around to the idea of it yet, but I find it so so difficult to be set in a choice when he’s the one who doesn’t feel ‘ready’ or whatever. I feel like it should be a choice we make together and feel shitty about having to now decide on my own.
I do have a session of counselling booked in next week so hopefully that does help me a little more, I wish I could just pick a choice and be so strong about it like you was! Thank you so much for sharing you experience it helps so much knowing someone else has been thorough a similar in a way situation! X

I think you're right. He needs you to basically tell him what's happening either way which just isn't fair on you.

I hope the counselling session helps.

No problem - I know every persons situation is different too so everything I say may be completely irrelevant but if I can be of any help let me know x

Jesus.

You really, really can't ask strangers on the internet this question.

Sort yourself out. Grow up. Take responsibility for your actions and your decisions. Act like an adult. Be real.

Go and speak to someone in RL. No one on here can tell you what to do.

@7salmonswimming always good to have such a helpful input. You're too kind.

There is absolutely no need to be so so rude. I find these forums are a really good place for people to vent and get advice. Having other people’s advice who have been in similar situations can help a bunch. If you don’t have anything helpful to say then please don’t comment here with such rude rude judgments.

You're asking strangers whether you should terminate a pregnancy!

If you find me telling you this is immature, childish, irresponsible - you've just proven my point.

Do you have any understanding of the magnitude of importance of this question? It's so, so easy to move in with someone; trundle along in an on-off relationship; maybe even get pregnant.

But you're talking about having a baby. A real life, actual child who will grow into an adult (hopefully) and all the risks and challenges and work and sacrifices that involves. Or, alternatively, you're talking about going through a termination and everything that entails.

It isn't rude to suggest that you take this more seriously than asking for advice on the internet. Really, it's not. It's solid advice: go and introspect, think it through. Talk to a trusted elder and to your friends. Talk to your partner. Seek professional advice. You have literally no idea who the posters on this page are, or what their histories are, or what their agendas are. All you can do - all any of us end up doing - is reading what's written through our own optics. You don't even realize that you're reading the replies in the only way you know how. (Next you'll be telling me I'm patronizing).

Treat yourself kindly and look after yourself. Get off the internet and think this through the correct way. For the love of God.

Good luck.

Salmon - there is absolutely no reason why the op can't hear others' experiences and opinions on here and potentially use them as part of her decision. It's no different to reading around the subject.

And the suggestion that she is allowing strangers on the internet to make her decision is frankly ludicrous!

@7salmonswimming the topic you're posting in is called Pregnancy Choices.

OP is discussing her options with us because there are things she can say to us that she couldn't really say to family members without additional judgment.

Do you not think it's sensible to ask for help, advice and other people's experiences when the plan she originally made is no longer viable?

It makes sense to have as much information and different viewpoints as possible so she can make an educated decision, rather than an off the cuff decision she'll regret.