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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

Terminating a baby with Edward's. Medical or surgical?

22 replies

Kazjmiah · 06/12/2019 18:37

From the day of my dating scan it was clear there was something wrong with my baby. I already have one beautiful baby boy and the differences between the 2 where evident from the start.
As much as I refused to believe anything could be wrong, this very much wanted and loved baby has been diagnosed with Edward's syndrome (trisomy 18)

My heart broke when I herd the news & i already feel so empty inside knowing that my child is suffering and will continue to suffer.

I do not believe in abortions but today have made the decision to go ahead with a termination only due to the knowledge of how many complications my poor pheonix has already.

I feel awful.

After researching I wanted to know people's personal experiences of terminations and if medical or surgical was best for them.

I will be 14 weeks when I say goodbye and have so far decided on medical termination. Many people have said they chose to have a surgical procedure so they could be put to sleep and not remember the trauma from the experience.

I wonder if putting myself through labour like pain for several hours to be allowed to cremate my feotus is worthwhile or if waking up at having it over with will be easier to deal with. Trying to block out the reality, and regretting not having the opportunity to see my baby to me seems worse than accepting it and remembering the pain of the procedure. What do you guys think?

I feel for me that delivering the pregnancy tissue is best regardless of pain, trauma etc. The baby is still a part of me and I feel in order for me to get real closure I need to see my baby before we cremate and day goodbye to a life we wish could thrive.

OP posts:

Flowersaremylove · 06/12/2019 19:28

I can’t offer advice but just wanted to give you a hug xxxxxxxxxxxx

tinkiiev · 06/12/2019 19:30

Hi - I have only slightly relevant experience but I couldn't not reply.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I think if it were me I'd have the surgical procedure - having had many early miscarriages - for me, the physical side of losing a baby was not helpful. It's very traumatic and unpleasant.

But everyone is different and it's your choice.

Potentialmadcatlady · 06/12/2019 19:31

I can’t help with advice but I am sending kind thoughts to you as you travel this path.. take care of yourself

user1480880826 · 06/12/2019 19:33

I would opt for surgical. Medical would be far too traumatic for me. I had a similar option with a missed miscarriage and went for surgical.

Venger · 06/12/2019 19:34

It's a very personal decision. I have had medical management at 17wks and found it very traumatic, both physically and emotionally. I was not at all prepared for the reality of it, I thought it would be some cramping and bleeding but it was much worse than that. If I had my time over again I would have insisted on surgical management, it would have still been a sad and emotional experience but I dont think I would have been quite so messed up by it.

The hospital should have given you information on both procedures and the pros and cons of each to help you decide.

Ohyesiam · 06/12/2019 19:36

My medical termination only gave mild cramps, if that is useful info.

Sending you so much strength x

SexlessBoulderBelly · 06/12/2019 19:37

Hi OP,

I have not experimented e myself but have noted your desire to cremate little one. I hope this doesn’t come across as cold or callous but my SIL had a termination at 20 weeks due to severe spina bifidia, she wanted to get little one cremated, which technically she did but she was told by the crematorium that because she was so small they may not be anything to bring home (no ashes) and they were right, she was cremated but they’re weren’t able to keep anything in memory of her other than a little box with a keepsake form the hospital.

I just wanted to inform as it would be awful if you were set on your decision with the view to keeping your little ones ashes then finding that out afterwards.

My heart really goes out to you, I hope you are receiving and continue to receive the best support at this time

SexlessBoulderBelly · 06/12/2019 19:39

Experienced!* not experimented! I should really start proof reading before I click post!

Oly4 · 06/12/2019 19:39

My only experience is miscarriage but I would opt for surgical at 14 weeks as I imagine you will pass a lot of clots. I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby, it must be devastating. I think you’re doing the right thing xx

oatmilk4breakfast · 06/12/2019 19:39

So sorry to hear what you’re going through. Whatever you decide, sending warm wishes

OrangeHue · 06/12/2019 19:40

I’m so sorry. I had a Mmc in August and opted for a medical management. I was 9 weeks and I found it very painful, much more than I was expecting. And I had very large clots still coming out two days later. If I have to go through it again I would opt for a surgical. Good luck

Waggily · 06/12/2019 19:41

I had a medical termination two years ago for the same reason as you. I felt it was the last thing I could do for my baby. And also, I like to be in control of situations and being asleep whilst something happened to me makes me feel uneasy.

It was hard but for me, it was the best thing to do. It’s not as bad as labour- they’re quite free with the pain relief and you don’t have to dilate as far.

My advice, which ever way you chose, is to take something for the baby and keep one for yourself. I didn’t have the forethought to do this and I sometimes struggle with the fact their is so little evidence of my baby’s existence.

You need to do what is best for you, that’s the only way to survive this horrible time.

LochJessMonster · 06/12/2019 19:42

Sorry for what you’re going through, I personally would go for surgical, as it is very traumatic.

(Also, perhaps you need to stop saying ‘I do not believe in abortions’ now, it’s unnecessary and untrue)

MNHQ

LilyMumsnet · 06/12/2019 19:44

Hi OP

We're so sorry to hear about this.
We're going to move your thread over to pregnancy choices.

Sending love and best wishes from all at MNHQ.

Solihooley · 06/12/2019 19:45

I’m so sorry. I would definitely opt for a surgical at this gestation of pregnancy. It’s not so much the trauma of the actual termination with the medical, it would be like a mini labour and I know you said thats something you feel could give closure, but more the risk that it could be incomplete/might be too traumatic once you’ve started and have no way to turn back. I have had both procedures. The surgical was a much better experience however my medical was tricky and didn’t complete properly so that has affected my view. I wish you the best whatever you decide.

SunshineCake · 06/12/2019 19:46

I am so sorry you are having to live this experience. I hope whatever you decide gives you peace.

Are the doctors absolutely sure ? I was told my baby had Edwards Syndrome too and when I gave birth to him they were completely wrong. Babies with ES don't always have no quality of life. I know of a child over ten with the syndrome.

CityWallandaTrampoline · 06/12/2019 19:52

I’m so sorry to read this

It’s such a personal decision so I can only give you my experience - I had a mmc at 17 weeks and was advised to deliver the baby but just couldn’t face it. I was in pieces and eventually the hospital agreed to surgical management. Surgery itself was fine, the situation was upsetting obviously but the surgery wasn’t traumatic. We were also still able to have a cremation.

However, looking back I wish I’d found the strength to have medical management. I would have known whether baby was a boy or girl instead of always wondering, and would have met them, if only that once. I still think I made the right decision for me at the time based on what I thought I could cope with, but I do wish I’d felt able to go through with delivering the baby.

Venger · 06/12/2019 19:56

I would opt for surgical at 14 weeks as I imagine you will pass a lot of clots

At 14+ weeks the foetus is fully formed, not clots. This is partly why I found it so traumatic as I was led to believe medical management would be almost like a very heavy, very intense period and this could not have been further from the truth.

elliejjtiny · 06/12/2019 19:59

I'm so sorry about your little one's diagnosis. I have had both medical and surgical miscarriages, medical at 12 weeks and surgical at 13 weeks. I would go for the surgical as I found medical extremely painful and traumatic. It might be a nice idea to have a 4d scan beforehand if you want to make memories of your baby. We did that with our baby who we knew would be born with disabilities. I wish we had done it with our baby I miscarried too.

vixb1 · 06/12/2019 20:23

Have you been offered the option of surgical?

I had to have a termination for the same reason, we were 14 weeks also. I was only given the option of medical. They wouldn't allow me surgical, I asked and was told they managed it through medical. Maybe it's just my hospital that does it that way?

It was a horrid experience, very emotional as you can imagine. But physically it wasn't anywhere near as bad as I thought it would be. For me it was over quickly and relatively painlessly.

Given the option again, I think I'd go for surgical though. It felt very cruel to put me through such a heartbreaking physical process when there was another option.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this OP.

xJune88 · 06/12/2019 20:29

So sorry for what you're going through. I had a mmc at 14 weeks was booked in for surgical but my body reacted badly to the pills beforehand to help you dilate so I ended up having a medical not by choice. It was agony, my waters broke and the blood was horrendous it was more traumatic that it was out of my control, unexpected, in a day surgery ward and I lost my baby sat on a toilet on my own and nearly had to have a blood transfusion. Surgical would of been much kinder for my body and mind. Take care of yourself I'm so sorry xx

Nanmumandmidwife · 10/12/2019 23:18

@Kazjmiah I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I have worked in this field of midwifery care for several years and would be very willing to talk if that might be helpful.
I would say that it is a hugely personal experience but a medical process can be very meaningful and helpful in processing the experience, provided that you are well supported.It does indeed provide the opportunity to say hello and goodbye.
PM me if you would like to talk on the phone to discuss properly - this is way to sensitive an issue to be dealt with appropriately on here.
Sending you much love xxx

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