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This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Pregnancy choices

Sometimes I feel like it’s only me who remembers my abortion or cares

29 replies

WineInTheSun · 02/08/2019 22:19

3 years ago in June 2016 (unbelievable how fast time goes) I had an abortion after getting pregnant by an fwb. I was very very immature at the time and very in love with him but he did not feel the same way about me.
I’m not proud of how I handled the pregnancy and in many ways I was deceitful- I didn’t tell him about the abortion until after I had done it. Mainly because I knew he didn’t care about me, so I didn’t expect him to care about the baby either. But he was really great after the abortion and was quite caring about what would have been the baby.

Time passed and we stopped seeing eachother- he didn’t feel able to have sex with me again, he said the pregnancy had been such a turn off. At the point where we would have had a one year old (January 2018) I contacted him on what would have been the first birthday. We chatted on WhatsApp about his career (he’s very much a high flyer- I am not) and our lives. I used to occasionally message him when I was drunk but would never mention the baby.

Now i’m really struggling. I have matured in the past 3 years and it feels like everybody around me has forgotten about the baby- the due date/birthday in January passed by this year without my mum saying anything to me, my best friend forgot, nobody ever mentions the baby or even acknowledges I was pregnant. But it hurts, I’ve been thinking about the baby a lot recently and wondering who they would have been. What’s hard is I could have coped- my career would still be the same if I had a baby (I’m a nurse). I haven’t done anything amazing in the past 3 years that a baby would have hindered. And now I regret having the abortion. Part of me wants to reach out to this guy (he’s still single) but I think he may not be interested and what if he’s forgotten about the pregnancy? Do men remember these things? It feels like I’m carrying a lonely secret and nobody shares my pain

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earlgreymarl · 02/08/2019 22:22

So sorry. Did you or can you get some counselling? I know it changes nothing but it is a major thing to come to terms with.

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WineInTheSun · 02/08/2019 22:25

I had counselling about 3 months after the abortion- I declined it at first (immature and certain I could just get on like before), then had a bit of a melt down so accepted counselling and was then discharged after 4 sessions. I might restart it but I am worried it might make me feel worse? Kind of like opening pandora’s Box of emotions

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Ofallthebad · 02/08/2019 22:26

You poor thing SadLots of women will understand the pain , and I hope you find some supportive ladies to talk to..
But don’t waste your time on that man.
He sounds like a bit of a dick,

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PotteringAlong · 02/08/2019 22:27

nobody ever mentions the baby or even acknowledges I was pregnant.

Of course they don’t. You had an abortion because you didn’t want to have the baby, and that is a completely valid choice. But you then cannot expect people to think you want the pregnancy to be acknowledged and remembered as an actual person you wish to be mourned for as part of your life. I think the vast majority of people would expect you to put it behind you and move on.

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HeadintheiClouds · 02/08/2019 22:27

This isn’t intentionally nasty, but do you actually expect people to acknowledge the “birthday” of a aborted baby every year? Do the people close to you know how you feel?

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saraclara · 02/08/2019 22:27

I'm sorry you're going through this. But I think expecting anyone to remember the due date of a baby you aborted is unreasonable. And even if they did remember the abortion and the due date, I think it's highly unlikely that they'd mention it, out of concern for upsetting you or making you feel bad.

It seems you're stuck in grief and regret, so I'd strongly recommend counselling.

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JoJoSM2 · 02/08/2019 22:30

Well, you need to open that Pandora’s box to deal with the content and move on. It doesn’t sound like you feel right at all - more like it’s haunting you now.

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Stuckforthefourthtime · 02/08/2019 22:32

That sounds really hard. It sounds like your feelings about your pregnancy are wrapped up around your feelings about him too, and counselling might really help.

Did you tell family? People may not mention it because they may feel like you don't want to - or as you say they may have forgotten, for many people (though of course not all) an abortion is a relief and they would not know the due date or mark it. If you have other people who care about you, if you mention it they are likely to want to support you.

You are hard on yourself, saying you were immature or aren't proud of terminating before talking with him - but be kind to yourself, you made the best decisions you could at the time, and it doesn't sound like he would have been ready to take an active role no matter what (a former pregnancy being a turn off makes him sound like a total arse), so you were likely right to decide alone.
I hope you can get more support soon.

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Floralnomad · 02/08/2019 22:34

I’m sorry but you need help so get some more counselling because it’s a bit strange to expect other people to recognise / remember the due date of a baby that you didn’t want and chose to abort .

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Scbchl · 02/08/2019 22:35

I do think this is pretty unreasonable. You aborted the baby because you didnt want it. why would anyone then remember the babies birthday etc. I had an abortion 15 years ago this month and there is many years I dont even think about it because it was the right thing to do for me at the time. I think by the way you are feeling you do perhaps need to consider some counselling however you cannot be annoyed with people for not remembering.

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WineInTheSun · 02/08/2019 22:36

My mum knew how bad I felt months after the abortion when I first had counselling. She was really great then and on the first due date (January 2017) she remembered because I was so upset. But this year she didn’t. I am possibly being unreasonable and making this into a big issue in my head by being irrational.

I haven’t told my friends or my mum how I feel now, I mentioned it to one very close friend a few weeks ago and she told me to remember I did the right thing. It’s easy to say but it’s hard when I carry a sense of what if and wonder. I don’t expect everybody to acknowledge it but I thought my mum and best friend who went to my appointments with me would remember:

They don’t know how much regret I feel at the moment or my thoughts of contacting this guy just so I can talk about it. I feel a lot of grief and regret. I’m not sure why it’s rose up again so much.

Is a private counsellor a better option so I can see them for as long as needed rather than being discharged?

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SunshineCake · 02/08/2019 22:39

Contacting this man would be ridiculous. You definitely should look at help as it seems you've romanticised how things would have been with a baby and you haven't been able to put your decision behind you. It's one thing to remember the due date of a much wanted lost baby but expecting people to show concern when you chose not to have the baby is a little strange.

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WineInTheSun · 02/08/2019 22:39

I think you’re right stuckforthefourthtime in that I have tied the pregnancy in with him and this doesn’t help me at all. A lot of my thoughts about the pregnancy are linked to does he wonder this too etc

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HeadintheiClouds · 02/08/2019 22:40

I think it’s fine for your mum to assume that you no longer need support three years later, to be perfectly honest. You need further counselling to put it behind you; not everyone around you marking the anniversary year on year.

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WineInTheSun · 02/08/2019 22:41

Thank you everybody, I will contact BPAS or Marie Stopes tomorrow for their counselling service

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saraclara · 02/08/2019 22:41

I don’t expect everybody to acknowledge it but I thought my mum and best friend who went to my appointments with me would remember

If I was your mum or best friend, I honestly wouldn't. Not because I didn't care, but because my life is full of stuff to remember. And there are no clues to remind someone about a date that involves someone not living. I struggle to remember my friend's birthdays, so the due date of a friend's aborted foetus wouldn't get a look in to my frazzled brain.
I don't even remember the anniversary of my husband's death. Which I see as a good thing, to be honest. Saves pain.

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HeadintheiClouds · 02/08/2019 22:42

And for God sake leave this guy out of it. It’s got absolutely nothing to do with him at this point; and to be brutal, neither are you.

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Dontstepinthecowpat · 02/08/2019 22:46

I’m sorry you feel this way but honestly it wouldn’t be normal for people to acknowledge or remember. My husband never mentions the baby I miscarried, and lots of my friends have lost babies I wouldn’t mention their due dates/anniversaries unless they did

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Usingmyindoorvoice · 02/08/2019 22:51

Sweetheart, with the best will in the world it will have meant very little to them and not be a ‘calendar’ event, but do follow up seeking some counselling for yourself

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Allli · 02/08/2019 23:06

You have to look after your own mental health and counselling would help you to move forward, as you are stuck in a loop, trying to come to terms with what’s happened and reliving the pain.
Counselling and time will help. Talking to your ex will not help, although I know it brings you comfort that you’re not the only one who remembers what happened, but he’s moved on and you can too. Best to stick with professional help and advice. I hope you feel happier again soon. I’m sure you will in time.

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1300cakes · 02/08/2019 23:13

It's understandable that you might want to have a moment of quiet reflection on the due date but it's very unreasonable to expect others to remember it, how would they have even known it to begin with? And if they did know or remember why on earth would they mention it to you? That would seem very weird and hurtful.

Some of my friends have had abortions, and while it's no shameful secret, the "babies" aren't part of our regular conversations.

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nowifi · 02/08/2019 23:43

Definitely see a counsellor OP, you probably have buried a lot of feelings that you need to discuss with someone and hopefully this will put you in a better mind frame. Really hope you're okay and sending lots of support your way Flowers

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dodgeballchamp · 02/08/2019 23:54

Sorry but I agree with everyone else saying you are being unreasonable. Most people I think would assume you want to move on and forget about it yourself. I had an abortion a few years ago and honestly don’t even remember the date myself (but then I had none of the emotion/regret/wondering around it that you do).

As hard as it must have been to have to accept the guy didn’t want anything more serious with you or to have a baby, he is within his rights not to want that and sounds like he was honest about how he felt. I don’t think asking him if he ever thinks about it will get you the answers you’re hoping for. Leave him out of this and work on the feelings around the abortion with a counsellor

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Buxton22386 · 03/08/2019 00:06

Do you mind me asking what you mean by 'I'm not proud of how I handled the pregnancy'? Do you regret what you did? This could be why your wanting to remember dates etc. I had an abortion and I had some extreme feelings of guilt and shame and this lead to feeling depressed. It took me a long time to recover and I can understand it is still affecting you threes years on. It took me a very long time and because of the shame I felt I couldn't talk to anyone.

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Gingerkittykat · 03/08/2019 01:18

My ex had a gf who had an abortion many years before we met, he still remembered many years on so it is possible your ex will remember.

I personally would contact him to talk to him, but also be prepared that he may not want to talk let alone have a relationship.

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