abortion. In desperate need of your words. What shall I do?

[Helpme101]

I'm a 27 year old mother to a wonderful six year old. Life as a single mother hasn't been easy, but I managed. I always told myself I would only ever have another baby if I was married. Seems to me this isn't in my destiny. I'm 13 weeks pregnant . The father doesn't want to kn ow. He is 120 miles away and doesn't want to know the baby or myself.
Some days I wake up strong knowing I can do it but others I am deeply miserable and feel like I am horrible for thinking about abortion. I'm disappointed in myself I've left it this long. There have been times I've visualized the future with 2 kids. Other days I ask what an earth am I doing to myself. I'm very ill physically and mentally and emotionally and I don't know what to do. 2018 was meant to be about my career and I feel like I cannot succeed anymore. I am up against time. I don't know what I want to hear from you all. I'm just so confused.

Please comment your thoughts

Hi @Helpme101 this really is a tough one. You are the only person who can decide this. Personally im not even close to being in a similar situation and i feel its hard for me to comment and cant say what i would do. BUT just remember this is something either way that you will have to live with, and you just have to think what will effect you more in what way? What ever path you choose will lead you to your future - dont want to sound too patronising or undermining but its true your next step will change your future either way.

Sorry i cant be too much help but you have to go with your heart. I think if you book an abortion - you will know on the day whether your doing the right thing or not and may cancel it there and then or may think 'iv done the right thing'

I know this isnt helpful but i would make the decision asap as holding off will just make things worse either way.

good luck and best wishes!

Id also suggest talking to somebody close to you, this is a huge burden on your brain and the decision may be made easier by somebody who knows you well and has your best interests at heart.

Thanks so much for replying means a lot right now

My doctor is arranging emergency counselling this week hopefully I will find some clarity

If you decide to have the baby you will cope. You've done it once and you can do it again, don't underestimate yourself.

However, only you know if another child is right for you. What was your initial feeling when you found out you were pregnant?

i think mumsnet isn't the place for this. Quietly take yourself off for an abortion. End this link with this rotter of a man and look after yourself and your daughter, you won't be able to get anywhere with a baby slowing you down.

Hi Helpmi,

I feel like, if you had wanted to have a termination, you would already have done so, and perhaps your fear is making you question your gut instinct.

That said, If you picture yourself not pregnant anymore, do you feel relieved or sad?

That will be telling.

Whatever you decide- strength!

Mountains- that's a crock of shit. Plenty of people go plenty of places with children. Even single mums, shock horror!

There are a couple of thought experiments you can do to help you decide.
Someone on another thread suggested flipping a coin. Not to make the decision (nobody is that callous!), but say heads - abortion, tails, - baby. Flip it and your first feeling when it lands (relief or resistance) should tell you the decision you actually want to make.
Another suggestion was to imagine you start miscarrying tomorrow. Are you relieved or devastated?

Surgical abortion is quick and easy and most staff are lovely. I went to Marie Stopes. However don't do anything you'll regret of course. It can be lovely having more than one child (I have three) but it's fucking hard work!
PM me if you would like to chat.

Counselling may help! It’s certainly not a bad thing. But I do think what one of the other ladies had said is right - I think although you know it will be so so hard and you know it’s not what you ever wished for - there is a reason you haven’t already booked an abortion and you know that as much as it’s not what’s best - it’s what you feel you should be doing xxxx

I would personally have an abortion if I were you but no one can make that decision for you. Hopefully the counselling will help you work through it all in your head so you can decide either way.
I’ve had an abortion before so send me a DM if you need any advice at all

No one can decide for you, but the most important people are you and your existing child. If you’re very ill, physically, emotionally and mentally, you need to pick the option that will keep you healthiest. Absolutely no one will judge you for choosing an abortion, if that’s your worry. Take care

Likewise, op, I have also previously had a surgical termination - you are welcome to message me. There is no shame at all, though, in deciding that your health, your current situation, or your existing child needs to come first though. whatever you decide

Thanks for all the responses . a massive part of me wanted this baby. When I found out I was happy. Today I have really considered abortion. The truth is it will cause more harm to my mental and emotional health & wellbeing having the termination. My doctor said I have been very hormonal and if I was to decide and not continue the pregnancy i could later regret it if it's down to my hormones . The truth is my circumstances are not great. But I have made my decision now so I am to stick with it. How could I possibly go through with abortion when I've already brought things and thought of names. I'm sorry if anyone is going through this. It feels awful. But if this helps, I was alone with my daughter and she made me the happiest person alive. I know deep down I can do this. I'm just very fearful about my future. But that's what makes !e human. Good luck to everyone's futures. Thank you for helping me decide about mine.

When I had a termination I knew 100% it was the right choice for me and my family. I don't regret the choice, although obviously it was a sad one to have to make.

I think you know in your heart what you want to do. I know I did. A later unplanned pg, I felt differently about (sadly that ended in MC), plus the two that went before (currently being knobs about going to bed).

(And before anyone says anything, I was on the pill every single time - have since switched to IUS).

And I agree, surgical termination (which I had with my unviable pg) is a million times better than the medical (which I had with the pregnancy I wanted to end). I bled so much with the latter I ended up with a blood transfusion and it it was a very horrible, visceral experience. The surgical I barely bled and it was over in an hour. Life went back to normal within days. With the medical it was more like 6 weeks.

Whatever you decide, just know you are not alone x

I went through with an abortion after buying things. I told DP (now DH) and we immediately both just sort got swept up in the baby excitement and assumed we'd be keeping it. I was 7 weeks when I suddenly realised that we had no real money, would never own a house if we had a baby at that point and we'd only been together for 6 months. So I started considering termination. He was fairly level headed about it and very supportive but he told me after that he was gutted. We now have the life we always dreamed of. It was a very hard decision and harder as we'd already told some people and got excited about it. I felt an enormous amount of guilt.

This is about what you want. You seem to have made your decision. I'm pleased for you and hope that you feel a bit more at ease with your choice.

OP just read your last post.

When I found out I was expecting out first, I wanted to terminate. Not because I didn't want the baby, but because I didn't think I'd cope. I appreciate it was a different situation because I had a partner, but we were 6m into our relationship, I was 24 (number two came along 18m later) and I was terrified. We're now 8y married and that not-so-little boy is in the next room. What persuaded me was my DH's faith in me. He believed I could do it. So I did.

You have already done it. And on your own as well! How awesome are you?! You can do this, if you want to. And I think you do, but you have to do what feels right for you

It’s a tough decision to make OP. Like others have said if you truly wanted a termination you would have had it by now.
You will cope with another baby although hard at first. The big plus: You will have a sibling for you dc; your own little family and yourself to look after.Hard work but I’m sure things will work out in the end. Better that than having regrets and ‘what ifs’ later in life. Do you have family nearby ?

I’m pleased you have come to a decision. I think your doctors right it really is an emotional and tiring time especially alone. Good luck with your pregnancy and I hope this bubba brings you lots of happiness

Wishing you the best of luck

It won't be easy but you are lucky in many ways

I had an abortion two years ago. I was 25, had a 7 year old and the dad was living in another country. I can honestly say it was the worst time of my life. It broke my relationship up (dad wanted the baby), I felt guilty. Didn't sleep for weeks. The actual process was also terrible (the scanning, etc all alone).

However two years later me and my son are fine. Do I regret it? Some days yes, some no. Do I feel guilty now? Not at all. I think of all the things I do with my little boy that perhaps I couldn't have done with another child. Would I have coped? Yes.

You can see I'm still very confused about it all, but one thing I don't feel is guilt. And neither should you. Whatever route you go down, please try and find someone to talk to. I had no one at all and it was hell.

Just read your update op. Best of luck to you ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️