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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

Pregnant with 4th baby and dont know what to do

30 replies

Jclp · 18/04/2018 12:55

Hi,
I’m expecting my 4th baby and I’m booked in for a termination tomorrow but don’t know what to do.
I have 3 children from a former marriage and I have been with my partner for 15 months. The relationship is very up and down and I am now 8 weeks pregnant.
My partner has a daughter and he has said he doesn’t want this baby. We don’t live together and he is in the process of buying a house for him and his daughter.
This baby wasn’t planned and my head is saying go ahead with the termination but my heart is saying keep it.
He doesn’t want this baby as can’t afford it, doesn’t want it to impact on his daughter and her childhood and doesn't know how she will deal with it. She is almost 8 and has 2 half sisters with her mum but he idolises her. He doesn’t seem to consider me or my kids in this decision.
Do I have a baby that is unwanted and will be without a father - he has said we’re over if I keep it as he will feel like I trapped him - or do I go for the abortion? Either way I feel our relationship is over but I don’t know what to do.
I know no one can tell me what to do but any advice from anyone that has been in this situation?
I’m 42 and he’s 32 so he has time to have another I don’t. But also financially will it be silly to go ahead and make things harder on my children I already have?
I only have 24 hours to decide 😔

OP posts:

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 18/04/2018 13:00

Well the relationship would be over either way as it sounds like a disaster.

Personally, in your shoes, you have 3 children already, you don’t need another mouth to feed with a father who doesn’t want anything to do with it. It isn’t just a baby you would be having it would be a lifetime of stress from him for at least 18 years. I’m raising my kids alone and it’s bloody hard. I know! If I were to accidentally become pregnant I would terminate. Another child wouldn’t benefit my existing children. It would make things harder for them. I would go with my head on this one.

valafitz · 18/04/2018 13:04

Have you thought of giving the baby up for adoption? I'm sure there's lots of people who would love a baby. I know I would.

The only positive thing out of this situation is at least you know what kind of person you were dealing with... and you can get rid of him. Best of luck with whatever you decide!

ShesAYamEater · 18/04/2018 13:07

hi jclp

you could ask mn to move this post to the pregnancy choices board as i think youll get more response there and possibly more measured responses.

i would say this - you are only 8 weeks so you do not only have 24 hours to decide! if you are unsure what to do - no nothing just for now.

i would cancel tomorrow, and then either see gp, or ring bpas or marie stopes and get some counselling before you decide anything.

i would not be bullied into a termination you are undecided on at any age but especially not at 42.

to move your post report it and ask for it to be moved. hq will do it for you.

Poshindevon · 18/04/2018 13:09

I'm 42 and he's 32 so he has time to have another I don't
How many children do you want?Can you afford financially to keep this child. Energy levels at age 42 are much lower and you will be 60 before this child is 18.
What impact will this child have on your children?
I am sure DP thought at your age that children were not on the cards and he has made it plain that he does not want a child with you.
So do not consider him at all do what is right for you and your children and show Mr Wonderful the door.

RoseyOldCrow · 18/04/2018 13:23

Oh Jclp, what a tough situation to be in. In your shoes, I'd like to think I could go through with the pregnancy & then give it to an adoptive family. Whatever you decide to do, however, is your decision (nobody else's, certainly not the DP's) & I'm sure will be the right thing for you & your family.

I'm intrigued & concerned; why do you only have 24 hours?

Original poster

Jclp · 18/04/2018 13:26

Thank you I have asked for it to be moved now

OP posts:

Sushirolls · 18/04/2018 13:26

I agree with @ShesAYamEater

You have plenty of time still, to think things through and I would definitely cancel & arrange to speak to someone first.

If Im honest, it sounds like although its scary, you would keep this baby if your OH wasnt so against it. The fact that youre unsure, I would say def don`t do anything in haste, that you may come to regret later. I also feel that him forcing you into it, will probably destroy your relationship anyway.

Original poster

Jclp · 18/04/2018 13:27

Adoption would be nice but I’d have to explain to my children what is happening to the baby... my youngest is 7 and he would understand as would the older 2 and I fear it would be more damaging to put them through that

OP posts:

RatRolyPoly · 18/04/2018 13:31

I'm afraid I haven't been in this is so situation but I wanted to say, it is okay to want things with your head rather than just your heart; there's nothing wrong with that. Your heart can guide you, but don't let it bully you - only your head can weigh up the impact this will have on your future and your children, and whether or not this is the right thing for you.

Bubbleandsquark · 18/04/2018 13:31

Do you want another baby?
If tomorrow comes and you are not 100% thinking 'I don't want this baby, it will be a relief to have the termination done' then say you need some more time and book to see them again, that way you're not closing your options off but don't have to rush into anything.

It would be hard work having a fourth alone, and you need to consider the impact on yourself and your other children. But if you feel you would manage and think you would regret terminating then that gives you your answer.

If the dad isn't going to be involved its not the end of the world, lots of women are single parents or use sperm donation and there is no reason why those children won't have as good a life as a child with a 2 parent set up.

RatRolyPoly · 18/04/2018 13:32

I forgot these for your

RatRolyPoly · 18/04/2018 13:32

*you

SomeKnobend · 18/04/2018 16:05

You don't only have 24 hours to decide. You don't have to go tomorrow. Take the time you need to make the decision you feel is right. Your dp sounds like he's not a long term prospect anyway, only a complete cock would say they feel "trapped" - if you don't want to be in a relationship you leave, you don't hang around sulkily complaining that you're trapped. Git. Don't make any decisions based on him. At 42 I'd be thinking it's now or never really, if you do want a baby, there's no way on earth you need to think of having an abortion just because the dp is pressuring you.

Pinkvoid · 18/04/2018 16:56

Adoption isn’t an easy solution by any means. Neither is abortion but it is substantially less of a toll on your mind and body than carrying and birthing a baby then simply ‘giving it away’. I admire people who are able to do it, it must be the most difficult thing they ever do.

As PP’s have said, you don’t have 24 hours to make a decision at all. You actually legally have 16 more weeks although obviously it is easier on your body the earlier you terminate.

I am sure you are aware of the risks of pregnancy at your age so you do have to consider that as well as whether you are financially and emotionally able to support another child. You need to take more time to consider this, it’s rarely a good idea to decide on it when you’re as torn as you are.

Just ask yourself whether you can cope with a fourth child potentially completely alone as the Father doesn’t sound as though he is invested.
Also ask yourself whether you want to have a connection to him for the rest of your life. Even if he doesn’t stick around, you will have to see features of him every day.

Either way, your relationship is likely over.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 18/04/2018 17:11

BTW there are worse things than him disappearing and you raising the baby alone. He could decide he wants 50/50 care or full custody. I realise he is saying he doesn’t want a baby but some men get very angry when women don’t do as they’re told and have a termination and they go out of their way to make their lives hell until the child is an adult. You could end up in court month after month for years battling him over this child. Not saying it will be like that but it’s very possible.

jamoncrumpets · 18/04/2018 17:29

How is adoption a sensible option valafitz? OP has existing kids. So she's going to carry and deliver a baby to full term, at risk to herself, and confuse the shit out of her kids just so somebody else can play happy families with her baby?! How is that anything other than cruel?

feelinggoodinspring · 18/04/2018 17:34

jamoncrumpets I agree. Adoption seems to be thrown around as a suggestion like its an easy alternative to abortion but it's really not.

RLOU88 · 18/04/2018 17:38

valafitz how is that helpful ? Sounds like a dig to me. Maybe stay away from threads like these.

jamoncrumpets · 18/04/2018 17:43

I get that people are desperate to have children, but it's really not thoughtful or sensible to suggest that people in difficult situations bequeath their unborn to the deserving.

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 18/04/2018 17:47

Jclp - what do you want to do?

You’re the only one who has to live with this decision. Yes it will impact others, but ultimately you are the one who will need to come to terms with it either way.

Your relationship is over regardless.

So what do you want to do?

jamoncrumpets · 18/04/2018 17:49

Do you want it? Can you afford it? Do you have adequate support as a single parent to care for it? Tbh the third question is moot is the answer to the first and second is 'yes'. It's your body, you should do what you want to do. If that means giving yourself a bit more time to think about it, so be it.

notenoughbottletonight · 18/04/2018 18:53

In my honest opinion if I were you I'd have the termination. That's coming from someone who was in the same position as you this time last year. It was difficult but I have no regrets.

formerbabe · 18/04/2018 19:01

Have you thought of giving the baby up for adoption? I'm sure there's lots of people who would love a baby

Other people who'd love a baby should not be the ops concern. She should do what is right for her and her existing children. Personally, I'd rather have a termination than go through a pregnancy and have to give the baby up.

Original poster

Jclp · 18/04/2018 21:10

Thank you all so much - it’s been a day and a half! I will go tomorrow and I will know when I’m there if I can go through with it.
My relationship is over no matter what and I have to think of the 3 children I have now and make a decision as to what’s best for them and how it will affect them.
I know if I do terminate it will be the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do in my life.

OP posts:

LeighaJ · 18/04/2018 21:27

Take the father out of the equation and make the decision based on what you want and what's best for you and your other children.

The father sounds extremely selfish and pushy and like all he cares about is how it affects him and his daughter, so I really don't think he gets a say at all.

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