Totally torn over keep or terminate

[JustAnotherMummyX2]

First time poster, hope I'm doing this right...

So I found out 10 days ago the I was 6 weeks gone with my 3rd.

Completely unplanned, and if I'm honest, never wanted... a 48hr sickness bug must of messed up my pill.

Myself and my husband and been together 9 years and have two girls age 2 & 4, he also has 3 children from a previous marriage aged from 11 - 15.

We live in a lovely little farm cottage, but little is exactly what it is.

Two bedrooms up stairs and a very small bedroom down stairs.

We have his children every other weekend and for also everyday of every school holiday; 6 weeks over the summer, 2 weeks for Easter, 2 weeks for Christmas and all the half terms.

We cope fine now, the 3 girls are in a room up stairs in bunks and a cot, we are planning on having a 3 story bunk built into the room to include storage.
But the oldest is 13 now and I feel it's unfair to share with two little ones let alone another.

The boys are downstairs in a small single with bunks and not much room for anything else. Again this works fine as they aren't here 'full time'.

We have a 7 seater car, again... 7 of us, if we have another there will be 8!!

I'm torn, my husband is completely against me having a termination and says if we will cope just fine.

My heart is wanting me to keep it, but my head is all about the practicality.

We can't move, my husband works on the farm, I do 3 mornings cleaning just down the road (which is good, needed money) and my family are around 24/7 should we need a hand.

Is it fair on my husbands daughter to share with another... what if it's a boy?

I don't want to talk to my family incase I decide to terminate.

Any advice is much appreciated

Obviously it's your body And you get to decide...but I wouldn't for those reasons,no never..why should you terminate because your husband has 3 kids.you would resent them / him for it...you will make it work ,plus his older kids won't always be coming ,trust me I've 3 adult dc.its amazing how quickly they develop their own lives and visiting dad will take second place to friends pubs and clubs...plus the baby can sleep in your room till the eldest stops coming ,which he won't by the time he's 18 or so

I wouldnt have an abortion just because the kids would have to share a room!?!

I get what your saying about the practicalities but you have to remember your husbands other kids are getting older and very soon won't want to be spending so much time with you. The 15yr old for example would going off to collage soon, yes? In my experience once they hit 16 you've to book an appointment to spend time with them. You could always get an attic conversion or extention to add an extra bedroom.

No one can or should tell you what to do, including your husband. In your situation I would be thinking whether another is practical financially. Thinking long term to the future. What does life look like with this extra person 5-10-15 years down the line? Who is affected? Does it matter?

I have two DC, both a little younger than yours, and often wonder what I’d be like in this situation - I don’t think I want another, but what if it was presented to me like this? Which path would we pick? It is so often a case of heart vs head but for those women fortunate to be able to have more than one DC we do all stop having more children at some point, and often when “just one more” would be so lovely and wanted but at the same time isn’t practically possible.

I think you have extremely valid reasons for terminating. Equally it sounds like you have the help at hand to make another child work. It will be a tough call and I wish you both the best.

its your body etc etc
but you sound like termination would be a regret for you and dh..

I've literally just found out I'm 6 weeks gone with my (very much unplanned) 3rd.

I'm 38 next week and have a just turned 3 year old and a recently turned 1 year old. If I proceed I'll have 3 under 4!

We've spoken about a third but ultimately decided it wasn't for us. And yet here I am feeling incredible stupid and wondering what the fuck we are going to do

Thank you everyone.

My head and my heart are on two completely different places, one minute I find myself looking up 8 seater cars, the next I'm looking up abortions.

The actual procedure is very off putting and the thought of flushing one of my babies is heartbreaking.

But there really is very little room for another, we are renting so converting the attic/building onto is out of the question.

Ultimately we plan to build our own home on a plot of land given to us, but realistically that's 7/10 years away.

I've an appointment with the doctor on the 6th... I have until then to think about it.

You are in a very difficult position and neither choice will ever feel "right" so whichever you choose you need to be kind to yourself and not spend the decades to come wondering about the path not chosen.

Tbh I think in your circumstances I would terminate asap. You have found our very early and the sooner the procedure happens the less chance there is of complications.

It's not about the bedrooms as pp have implied. It's that with the number of children you already have you are only just managing to maintain a reasonable lifestyle. An extra baby would tip that over the edge. It is not wrong to prioritise the wellbeing of 5 kids who are already here over a foetus that is barely even there.

YimminiYoudar that's excellent advice.

Justanothermummy I'm sorry to hijack your post but I feel equally torn, thinking about a potential future and in the same breath looking up the nearest abortion clinic.

It's less of a stretch for us to fit a third in physically as it's just us and we already have a spare room and 7 seater (in Australia do very different lifestyle) but it's the rest of it - the financial and physical dreams and plans we have for the current 4 of us.

I was not completely decided we were done at 2 when my youngest was born, and she was such an easy baby for the first 8 months. Then at 10 months she stopped sleeping for 3 months and without having any family support here and a toddler to look after the lack of sleep pushed me close to a breakdown.

Then in January I read advice on a post on here (the post was about deciding to have a 3rd or not) that if you don't feel you could be the mother you want to be to a third/ another child (especially if you have a sick child with reflux or other health issues, or one who just doesn't sleep) then it's probably a good idea not to have a third. And that really resonated with me and made me decide I really was happy with two.

And yet here I am and part of me is thinking along the above lines, especially with such a small age gap; but the other one is thinking but what if it's a boy? (We have two girls). What if I change my mind next year and struggle to conceive? What if what if what if?!?!

FWIW I was in this situation last year. Fell pregnant with my 5th which would have been due on my 40th birthday! House is a maximum capacity. I booked myself in for a termination and on the day I was meant to have it I woke at 5am and told my husband that I thought we should leave the decision in the hands of Mother Nature. We both agreed what would be would be so I didn't go for my appointment.

Sadly at my 12 week scan the baby had died so I misscarried in the end. This was my third one in a row so I suspected it might happen.

My point is, if I'd terminated it would have haunted us both for the rest of our lives. But it wasn't meant to be and nature decided otherwise but somehow it being round this made it easier to move on from.

Thinking of you and hope it all works out

Someone once said to me.... you might regret having a termination.

However you will never reget having your baby once you have your baby in your arms.

Helped me make my decision

Thank you everyone... it's good to hear other opinions.

We have decided to terminate, this is a decision that I know I will forever regret and I'll always wonder 'what if' but we are totally blessed with the children we have.

We've a great life and our two little ones are so perfect, half of me wonders whether having another will change their individual personalities.

I'm also back into the swing of work, and so close to having a little more freedom once our youngest starts Pre-school, all be it 5 hours a week.

I just know the next step is going to be heartbreaking

I'm glad you've been able to make a decision Justanothermummy.

It's not an easy one at all, to weigh up the needs of the children you have already vs a future unknown you never knew you might want until it happened.

You've been able to be so strong, and while it won't be easy you may need to remind yourself it is the right decision.

I hope your DH is supporting you. Thinking of you and please know I am in awe of your strength in going through this

Sorry, that middle paragraph is a bit jumbled. You know it's ultimately the right decision, you won't have to remind yourself of it.

Might-have-beens tend to be viewed through heavily rose-tinted glasses, forgetting all the negatives that would have surrounded that path-not-taken. You have made the decision the best you possibly can for the situation you are in now. By all means grieve the might-have-been but that doesn't make the decision wrong, nor does the fact that the choice was yours make it wrong to grieve. Forgive yourself and I wish you a long and happy life with your family.

As the others have said we can't tell you what to do. Can only advise. I'd say not to terminate for those reasons. I've just been through a TFMR and it was very hard. At the start I felt I wanted the baby then after I changed my mind then back again and at that point knew the baby would be born with bad health problems. It was heart breaking and has been very hard. I do believe babies are miracles.
So think hard about everything and how u think you'd feel. Best wishes

Minnie and Sprog

Look at the date of the OP. She has probably had the termination that she and her husband decided on.

op hope you're ok.

Justanothermummy I hope it all went well

@Minnie87 while I'm sure your comment was meant out of kindness, I'm not sure it was particularly helpful based on the op updates

If there’s ever a thread when you should read all the OP’s posts before replying, it’s a “Pregnancy Choices” thread! FFS people.

FWIW OP I agree with everything @YimminiYoudar said and I think you made the right decision.

So sorry! I didn't know there were more posts from the original poster. How do I delete? Trying now Really sorry to have caused any offence.

Hi everyone.

Went to my GP on Friday to set the ball rolling but she has referred me to counselling, she won't let it go any further until I am clear in my own head.

When I'm busy and not thinking too deeply about it then I'm all for terminating.

Once I sit down and think then I'm s blubbering mess.

Just wish I could put a hard hat on and not think, just act!!
The problem is the after effects on my heart!!

I think counselling is a good idea, I was going to suggest that before I saw your update. Whatever you decide hopefully counselling will help you feel ok about the decision. There is no wrong decision here. Just the best decision for you.

@Minnie87 suggest maybe reporting the comment and MNHQ could delete for you

@Minnie87 your comment hasn't upset me... please don't worry!!