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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

Pregnant from an abusive man - I broke up. But don't know if I should have it or not. Please help.

28 replies

chirimoya · 26/12/2017 00:55

So, I just fought hard to get out of a very physically & psychologically & economically abusive relationship. I literally had to run away from him.

We did it over a year with the pullout method and nothing ever happened - so I trusted him. In the last month we had horrible fights and I repeatedly said to him that I will leave. He knew it was just a matter of time until I would. Surprise surprise I'm now pregnant! Of course, I have my share in this too - don't want to completely give him the fault but I have read that abusive men often try to get you pregnant to keep you in the relationship. I lied to him and said I got my period and he reacted with a very annoyed and disappointed face. So he definitely planned this. But he has no clue I am pregnant.

I left last Tuesday and have a chat with abortion services tomorrow morning. However, I started having some doubts. But this is my situation:

I am orphan adult -> no parents / no family - so will have NO support whatsoever. I will have to do this completely on my own
Unstable income. But at least I have a job I can do from home.
and my biggest problem is that I think I wouldn't be able to really take the opportunity away of the child meeting his dad & family one day (i think i would not feel comfortable knowing I have taken the choice away from the child), considering I have none. But I just have a feeling that I'll forever have problems because he will do everything to be in that kids life (he absolutely adores children...and yet he is an irresponsable ex-drug addict, alcoholic, abusive lier and a looser and absolutely NOT fit to be a father whatsoever) and potentially even try to get it away from me...just sense as soon as he knows it'll be a nightmare!
I'm 32. I feel like I'm almost too old to consider an abortion....just started getting those doubts in my mind.

I don't want to go back to him and I won't. So the question really is whether it would be best to abort or to raise this kid as a single mum.

I know essentially it's my choice...but i would appreciate some help.

Thank you!! Merry Christmas!

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 26/12/2017 00:59

I would terminate at the soonest possible opportunity if I found myself pregnant by a man like this, no hesitation at all.

MissConductUS · 26/12/2017 01:04

Have you wanted children generally?

You have to balance the difficulties with your desire to be a mum. It's a very personal decision but your situation is very difficult.

Good luck .

johendy · 26/12/2017 01:19

Well done for leaving him OP, I'm sure it wasn't easy. This is a big decision and one that I'm sure you'd benefit from talking through with a counsellor or someone skilled at helpng you to explore options. I'm sure others can advise which organisations can help

Personally from what you've said, I'd be leaning toward an abortion, but I'm not you and i don't know anything about you. 32 is not old, people have abortions at all ages for a range of reasons. And you have plenty of time to get into a healthy relationship where you make active choices about having or not having kids in the future.

You are obviously a strong woman, that strength will help you with whatever choice you make. Good luck and look after yourself.

Dermymc · 26/12/2017 02:21

I agree with expat.

A termination rids you of any potential reason to ever contact him again.

BattleCunt · 26/12/2017 02:37

You're right - it IS known tactic of abusers, getting victims pregnant ties you to them. I will say that honestly were I in your situation, I would likely terminate, but it's easy for me to say that from behind a screen.

If you do choose to have the termination, for God's sake don't tell him. I know you said you'd told him you for your period, but if he finds out you terminated and he purposely got you pregnant, he is likely to become extremely violent. I would suggest a restraining order if you can.

Original poster

chirimoya · 26/12/2017 04:18

Hi everybody, yeah I'm also leaning towards terminating. I should have mentioned though, I have had an abortion 5 years ago as it was absolutely impossible at the time to have a baby and I suffered psychologically from it. Then again, i was a different person back then and I think the benefits of terminating this time outweigh keeping it by far.

And yet of course there is always a part of oneself that feels guilty and sorry...perhaps the fear that I'll be suffering like last time. Just think having a child with a man like this will be suffering without end even if I were to raise it alone.

As for him - we won't be in the same country very soon and there is no way in hell I will tell him about it. In his mind I was never pregnant and that's it.

Thank you for your help!! I appreciate it!!

OP posts:

becotide · 26/12/2017 04:26

Don't. You will never be free if him and you'd e condemning a child to hell with a father like that.

Terminate, wait, have a baby with a good man.

Coyoacan · 26/12/2017 05:27

That is a hard choice, OP, but I too would favour abortion under the circs.

Fiona1984 · 26/12/2017 06:57

Hard choice, but I think I would favour termination in your circumstances, to take back control of your life.

ovenchips · 26/12/2017 08:48

You have done fantastically well to get yourself away from this man. Fantastically. You've done the best thing you can to ensure happiness in your future.

I personally would not want to have that vile man as father of any future child. I would not want to do it to my future child or myself. It is honestly a very scary sounding situation allowing him to become a father and you have no way of knowing his behaviour if he finds out you are having his child.

I have seen, second-hand, the monstrous effects of having children with an abuser and the lifelong tie that creates even when you have split up. On this experience I could never advise someone to allow such a man to be the father of their child.

So I think I would think I had two difficult things to do: leave that man and not have that baby. You've done the leaving bit already so the end is in sight.

Nothing you have said about your age or your circumstances make me think - hmm maybe you should have the baby. Exactly the opposite tbh.

The very best of luck to you - I admire you so much for mustering up the courage to leave and for trying to make the right decision about the pregnancy.

ovenchips · 26/12/2017 08:54

Sorry also meant to say, even though you would not be in same country as that man, if you had the child, there is always a chance he would still find out (esp in this day of internet/ social media).

You would have the worry the whole childhood of your child - 18 years (and longer really) that he would find out and hurt you/ your child/ take legal advice to establish paternity and visitation. Utter nightmare.

RaininSummer · 26/12/2017 09:03

Very rare for me to say this but I think abortion may be better in this case but if you have time, access some counselling to deal with your feelings. Not being forever tied to this man is the reason why I feel this is the best choice.

juneau · 26/12/2017 09:14

I would terminate in a heartbeat. No way would I want to give that man any excuse to be in my life ever again - and certainly not for the entire rest of my life and as a father to my DC. You know you're fertile OP, so I would terminate and get on with your life and meet someone new with whom to have a family. If you have no family and no support having a baby will be horribly hard too. I can't imagine going through all that alone. Don't tie yourself to this abuser for life.

momjeansep · 26/12/2017 09:18

I wouldn’t. You’d be tied to him for life.
You’d be knowningly baring a child to an abuser.

Summergarden · 26/12/2017 09:24

I would definitely terminate. In this day and age with socia media making it so easy to track people down, plus there only being 6 degrees of separation between people anywhere in the world.

From what you’ve said about him, no way would I want to live in fear that one day this horrible man might track me down and make my and a child’s life hell demanding contact with the child etc.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Thiswillbemyusername · 26/12/2017 09:33

I was in this situation and I kept the child. I broke up with the dad when I was 6 months pregnant and didn't communicate with him again until DD was 4 months (only so he could have a supervised visit. To this day he's never had her on his own). He kept trying to get back with me for a year but gave up when he found another woman.

DD is now 3 years old. I believe I made the right decision. Her dad sometimes contacts me but I ignore him.

You have to stay strong (and mean it) about your decision to stay away from the dad. And be careful what you tell your midwife as they will get social services involved if you tell them what the dad is like (speaking from experience). Luckily in my case I was adamant that I would never get back with him again and they could see that. If they think you will not stay away from him they will take the child off you.

ThatWasNotLove · 26/12/2017 09:35

From everything you've said, which is obviously the short version, I'd terminate. You've done an incredible thing to get him out of your life. And 32 isn't old.

TammySwansonTwo · 26/12/2017 09:43

I would terminate personally. My father was very abusive to my mother and they divorced when I was 6 months old. She had her mum nearby to help with childcare while she worked. My father was a constant source of trouble for her and us, ended up sexually abusing me, and I haven't seen him for over 20 years. If I had any choice at all I wouldn't tie yourself to this man forever.

I got pg at 35 and my mum died the year before, I have no other family around. Turned out to be twins. I literally could not have done it by myself with no family, if it weren't for my DH I don't know what I would do.

Hugs to you, I know this must be so hard

Msqueen33 · 26/12/2017 09:45

Personally I would also terminate as otherwise you’ll be forever tied to this abusive man. If you think of the damage he’s done to you think of how that would affect a small child. I’m sorry you’re in such a horrible position. But I wouldn’t feel guilt for terminating. Big hugs.

MoseShrute · 26/12/2017 09:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ApplesTheHare · 26/12/2017 10:00

Well done for getting away from him OP. In your situation I'd terminate because your life with a child would always be surrounded by worry due to this man. A clean start will be best for you and any future children. Start a family with someone who treats you well because it's much more likely that they'll treat their children well too. Good luck whatever you decide to do

BossyBitch · 26/12/2017 10:04

Well done, OP, for getting rid of this man!

I consider myself pro-choice in the most literal sense of the term and generally tend to think that whatever the pregnant woman wants for whichever reasons is the best choice.

I agree with PP, however, that having a child by this man will tie you to him in some sense, so personally would terminate in a heartbeat.

Original poster

chirimoya · 28/12/2017 02:00

Thank you for all the comments and also the compliments. Yes it was one of the hardest things I had to do, to get away from this man. In particular because he managed to isolate me from many people in my life. It feels like I'm starting almost from scratch. I have an appointment booked next week. Just hope I won't suffer from any guilt...just feel it's not the babies fault. But I'll never have peace of him in my life. ever...

OP posts:

juneau · 28/12/2017 18:45

You're a strong woman chirimoya. Well done for getting away from him. IMO you're doing the only thing you can do in this situation. He'd be a nightmare as a father and a co-parent. You need him out of your life permanently for your own safety. for you.

INeedNewShoes · 28/12/2017 18:51

You are very courageous and that courage will get you a long way. For me, a termination seems the best option here. You don't want to condemn yourself and the potential child to a future that has to involve this awful man.

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