Im a horrible horrible person

[canderella]

I have just come back form my fourth abortion. Please dont judge me and if you are going to have negative comments please dont comment.

I had 3 terminations when i was aged between 17 and 21. Fast forward 7 years I have had another and I have never felt so bad. I was in an abusive relationship with my first three and this time with a new partner contraception failed. I was really happy when I was pregnant and I dont know why I done it. I felt like this was my dream and my chance to have one and it also felt like a gift as my Mum passed away 12 weeks ago and I was 12 weeks preg. But I felt I had to do it. My partner didnt want it and didnt think he would cope if i had the baby. In addition I live at home with my Dad who is a bully and I dont get on that well with him at times. My brothers live miles away. I am also in my final year of college and should I have continued with the pregnancy I would not have been able to graduate this year and finding childcare would be very difficult as I am a nurse and most creches only open until 6- i work until 8.30 and do nights.

right now I have never regretted anything so much i hate myself and cant believe i done this to myself. I feel like i am going insane and im terrified i will never get pregnant or have a pregnancy without miscarriage again. Will these feeling subside? Can anyone please help me?

You’re not a horrible person, your earlier terminations basically freed you from an abusive relationship, imagine having kept those pregnancies and being tied to your abuser forever because of them.

I am so sorry you’re regretting this termination, it sounds as if you put your partners wishes above your own to a certain extent but you also made the choice based on your living situation which is far from ideal when it comes to raising a baby.

You will probably go on to have more when you’re settled and your partner or future partner wants a baby as much as you do.

Forgive yourself

im terrified ill never get pregnant again

There’s no reason why a successful termination should damage your fertility so you should be fine to conceive again

please don't give yourself a hard time. No one with any humanity would judge you. You've made decisions based on your circumstances that were right for you.

There's no reason why you couldn't get pregnant when the time is right for you. Your previous history has no bearing on that, so please try not to worry about that. If you catch yourself thinking that way, tell yourself that you know that's not true. Eventually you will believe it.

Sorry you've been through so much OP.

I don't think the miscarriage/pregnancy board is the best place for this thread and you might get better support elsewhere.

Get a form of contraceptive that is like an implant so you have a back up to condoms. I'm trying to think how you can not end up in this situation again. Get some counselling organised because you need someone to talk to. Also grief counselling. I don't think termination is an easy option. Maybe get some cbt so you are able to take charge of your life. Make an appointment with the doctor to reassure yourself about being able to get pg.

I second what INeedNewShoes said...

Hi OP,

We're so sorry to hear you're feeling this way. We're just going to move your thread over to our pregnancy choices topic as we feel you'll get more support and advice over there. Please do get in touch if there's anything we can do.

Sending you lots of hugs OP

youre not a horrible person. Not even at all. You havent done anything wrong xx

No you're not sweetheart. You made conscious decisions to ensure your survival in abusive situations, and you made another one to ensure your continued safety and quality of life, even though it hurts like holy hell. Anyone who tells you other wise, should shut the entire fuck up.

I hope one day you can have everything you want with someone who treats you like a queen. ♥️

I regret it so much. I didnt want to do it but felt coerced in to it by my BF as he said he wouldnt stay around if I went through with it and I dont have any other support as my Mum died recently. Now I cant even look at a photo of her because I feel when she died she gave me this chance and I threw it away and now she would hate me

You have been incredibly unlucky. You're not a bad person. You're not responsible for your luck.

Is there someone you can talk to in person? I think you need more support. Can you ask your gp for a referral?

hugs

You've been perfectly reasonable. You are not horrible for not continuing a pregnancy when you cannot realistically look after your child. Abortion has almost no impact on your fertility. If you have been able to get pregnant easily so far you won't have difficult getting pregnant again in all likelihood. I strongly reccomend you seek counselling and maybe a different method of contraception (I have a copper coil and it is fab). You don't deserve to feel this way now or ever again.

Im ashamed to go to my GP with my past. I dont want him knowing about all my abortions. I plan on going to a college counsellor after the xmas break I just hope these feelings will somewhat subside over christmas as I dont want to stay in bed feeling this way

You have no reason to feel ashamed. Having said that I can see that coming across a (wrongly) judgmental GP or health care professional would make you feel 100% worse. You don't need to go into details to get a referral I don't think, explain the symptoms you're having- ruminations, guilt and depression and that should be enough. But talking to a college counsellor should help too.

You've done the right thing in not bringing a baby into a situation where you weren't able to give that baby or yourself what was needed. That doesn't mean that it wasn't sad. Let yourself grieve but don't beat yourself up. You're not a bad person.

I say this only because a further termination/unplanned pregnancy would likely affect your mental health. Have you looked at long term contraception methods like the iud? Or doubling up on contraception? That's more a future issue, but if you're still sexually active then it's something that you should think about.

All methods have a failure percentage. It doesn't make you a bad person to have been unlucky. Xx

The 12 weeks link between your mum and your pregnancy was a coincidence my lovely, nothing more, so please allow yourself to look at your mums pic and remember everything you love about her.

And you know, we all sometimes have tough decisions to make, yours was one of the toughest ever, and rightly or not, it's done. I agree with RestingGrinchFace too. You don't deserve to be feeling this way as it sounds as if the situation you were/are in is a very difficult one.

and a huge hug for you.

Oh how awful for you. Dealing with the loss of your mum and now this must be so hard. If you feel you need help before Christmas there are charities that you can talk to. Ironically Life offer post abortion counselling. I know they are anti abortion and you might think they'd be judgemental but they really wouldn't. Most of what they do is counselling, particularly for women who are regretting an abortion.
https://lifecharity.org.uk/had-an-abortion/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI9fC79uV2AIVSrHtCh3PTwE7EAAYAiAAEgJRmfDD_BwE
Please don't feel that you are a horrible person, you were in a horrible situation

When the time comes for you to be a mother OP, I suspect you’re going to be a good one.

You realised that you’re comirrent situation was utterly incompatible for raising a child, and you put aside your own feelings and did something.

It will be ok and when the times comes - you’ll be great

I am terrified I will never get pregnant again or that I wont carry a child to term. I feel damage has been done to my organs since I have had so many. In addition, when I woke up after the procedure I was screaming crying with the pain in my lower abdomen, I never experienced anything like it in my life. The said it was my uterus contracting but Im not so sure. Before I left the clinic I also fainted, Dr. out it down to dehydration as I passed minimal urine after drinking 2litres. But I am sick with worry that I have given up my chance and God will punish me by taking away my chances again

God is not going to punish you. You made sensible choices for the right reasons. You are not a horrible person.

Please see your gp to put your mind at rest about your physical health and future fertility. They will not judge you. There might also be an NHS sexual health clinic who can check you over, and they might have an option not to share information with your gp.

Very good idea to see a counsellor.

No one is going to punish you, and you won't have any damage to your uterus from the procedures. To put your mind at rest you might want to do what @AntiHop has suggested and get a health check. The pains you experienced do sound like uterine contraction - it is very painful but temporary and does no harm.

The NHS says that having an abortion doesn't affect your chances of having a future pregnancy or of having a normal pregnancy.

There really isn't anything to feel guilty about. You made a decision which felt right at the time. It's ok to look back and wonder if it was the right decision or if you would make a different decision now. That doesn't mean you made a bad choice, just that your feelings might have changed afterwards.