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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

Failed abortion

49 replies

roastandyorkies · 11/08/2017 17:01

I found out I was pregnant at the end of June. Unplanned. Spoke to DP and he was keen for me to Have an abortion. I was more unsure. I am already a single parent. DS is not DP's child. To cut a long story short I agreed I would have an abortion as I know how hard it can be as a single parent. My DS is 8 so there would be little common ground between him and the baby.

I went for a medical abortion and took the tablets at just over 8 weeks. However it has failed. I am still pregnant and booked in for a surgical procedure next week.

DP is however "unable" to come so I am facing having this procedure with just the local anaesthetic as there is nobody else I can tell or get to come with me and I can't have any sedation if I've got nobody to take me home.

Has anyone been through this before. Any positive stories? I'm terrified and thinking of just not going ahead with it.

OP posts:

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 11/08/2017 17:03

What do you mean "unable" ?

PickAChew · 11/08/2017 17:08

Is he unable or unwilling?

forfucksakejanet · 11/08/2017 17:10

This happened to me too, so sorry you're going through it too, it's utterly shit

He needs to come with you! You will be fragile both physically and mentally afterwards and won't be able to drive home.

Have they discussed the implications of not going ahead with the procedure? I was like you in that I was really questioning whether to go ahead, and discussed with the nurse. She explained the risks of what the previous medical abortion could have done to the baby and that made my decision for me

Best of luck on what you decide

Sairelou · 11/08/2017 17:10

Who is looking after your DS when you go in for the procedure? Can they pick you up from the hospital?

It sounds from the OP that the choice to have a termination hasn't been entirely yours. It is your body, it is your choice. Have you been offered any counselling?

Original poster

roastandyorkies · 11/08/2017 17:19

Thank you all for your responses. He's not going to be in the country.

My son will be with his dad.

BPAS said I can go home alone after only local anaesthetic. But all the accounts I have read of this online sound barbaric. I want to be sedated ideally. But it's not really an option. I just hoped someone had an experience where it wasn't so (physically) bad that I could cling onto.

OP posts:

forfucksakejanet · 11/08/2017 19:52

I had mine under GA and my mum came with me, so no experience of having under local. I couldn't imagine doing that as the situation is hard enough as it is without being awake.

Please try and get some advice on not attending, or getting a friend or family member to come with you.

for you, it's a horrible position to be in, I really feel for you.

Original poster

roastandyorkies · 11/08/2017 20:16

Thank you. I'd love to have the baby but am scared of what damage has been done through the tablets and also of being a single mum where the father has no involvement. Nobody else knows. I don't have anyone I feel I can tell. He's basically ignored me since I found out earlier in the week that the procedure hadn't worked. Has said on more than one occasion it's because I dithered at the beginning - I took a week to consider my options before ringing the clinic. Never felt so alone ever.

OP posts:

Callamia · 11/08/2017 20:20

I'm so sorry that you feel so alone. Your partner is, of course, being a complete dick about this. Do you have any friends who would support you at this point? It feel so unfair that you're going through this alone. I wish you every strength.

Orangebird69 · 11/08/2017 20:24

That's so awful OP. I'm in wiltshire. If I can help at all, pm me. Genuine offer.

B1rdinthebush · 11/08/2017 20:27

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

I'm in Leeds and would be happy to accompany you or help in any way I can.

Raaaaaah · 11/08/2017 20:30

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I had a surgical termination with just local several years ago. I'm not sure why I decided not to have general. It was painful but not terrible. There were lots of women in the recovery room afterwards (very surreal) and everyone had coped with it. Nobody was unduly uncomfortable. I only say this to reassure you not because I think that it is right that you should have to do it without GA. I am so so sorry that you have nobody that you can tell so that you can have the GA. Also keep an eye on how you feel afterwards and be very kind to yourself. Xx

Lamaitresse · 11/08/2017 20:39

Hi roast, I've had a d&c at 8 weeks with local anesthetic in the cervix, and it was fine. I was absolutely terrified as had only ever had them under GA before, but there wasn't a choice this particular time. My husband chose not to come in, and I'm glad he didn't - I hope you don't mind details but they use a suction machine which makes a noise, and although I steadfastly looked away (eyes were on the ceiling) I'm sure that had he been in there it would have been horrible for him & he probably would have seen something. I'm in Belgium, and it's not unusual to have this procedure here.
I'm sorry you feel so lonely, but I completely understand about not knowing if any damage has been caused by the pills. You can get through this, yes you're going through a horrible time, and i feel so much for you, but honestly the procedure itself is doable. Friends were shocked by how barbaric it sounded when I told them afterwards, but I actually felt like it hadn't happened to me at all as it really was okay. Unpleasant of course, and upsetting, but physically okay.
Good luck

BillyDaveysDaughter · 11/08/2017 20:57

I had a surgical termination at 10 weeks with only local - I'm emetophobic so actively avoid any type of sedation, GA or even gas and air.

I won't lie to you, it wasn't much fun - for the first few seconds I panicked and went rigid and the surgeon threatened to "put me out", which was charming. But then I got a hold of myself, focused on the ceiling tiles, did some extreme deep breathing and counting, and got through it.

On a scale of renal colic to biliary colic (no childbirth experience to call on), being very truthful it's up there at about an 8/9. HOWEVER - it is over very very quickly. 1-2 minutes absolute max (from memory).

To be honest I had more of a shock when they shoved an antibiotic suppository up my arse without so much as a bloody warning. I reckon they forgot I was awake, as every other woman there had an full anaesthetic.

The pain directly afterwards is quite intense, but the worst was over within about 10 mins...I was alone, but out and driving myself home within about 90 minutes of the procedure (they hang on to you for a while).

My abiding memory is not really of the pain, it is manageable. You'll be okay.

Stormwhale · 11/08/2017 21:01

Would it be possible to get a taxi home or is it too far? If So could you stay in a hotel afterwards and get a taxi there? You shouldn't be going through this alone though :(

Crumbs1 · 11/08/2017 21:02

BPAS policy is that nobody goes home alone and they should not let procedure go ahead without an accompanying adult to escort you home. The risk is less the sedative and more excessive bleeding. Please don't go until your partner or a friend can be with you.

Ineedagoodusername · 11/08/2017 21:02

Couldn't you get sedated and then get a taxi home?

OnARainbow · 11/08/2017 21:07

I opted for local and obviously the procedure isn't the nicest thing to have in the first place but it was bearable.
The nurses that accompanied me were fantastic and couldn't be more supportive of me in that time.
I did have a friend waiting downstairs for when all was done but she didn't drive so I had to so local was my only option.

Is your partner going to be around afterwards at any point?
I bled heavily a few days after the procedure, in public which was horrific and I had no one to call upon at that moment which was pretty scary dealing with it alone.

Original poster

roastandyorkies · 11/08/2017 21:15

Thank you again for all the replies. It's really helped me to know that people do care even if you are strangers from the internet!

He won't be around for a while. I'm not sure we can recover from this if I'm honest.

BPAS told me I can leave alone with just the local but need someone to accompany me home and stay overnight if I had more than that. But they also said it would only be light bleeding after surgical (presumably because they suck most of it out?).

Thank you for the positive stories. Maybe it is doable. I just can't escape that this baby has survived once so is maybe meant to be. I don't know.

OP posts:

SerendipityFelix · 11/08/2017 21:25

So sorry you're going through this, and that your partner sounds like he is pretty shit too.

You're clearly having doubts about the termination itself as well as the practical decisions about going by yourself and not having sedation. Can you book an appointment on a different day before your procedure to have another counselling session with a nurse to discuss your options again and the implications of the failed medical procedure if you do decide to continue the pregnancy, to help you feel more secure in whatever decision you ultimately make.

I'm in north/east London.... if I was free on the right day, I'd volunteer to pick you up.

GrabbyMcGrabby · 11/08/2017 21:31

You need to clear up in your mind if you want an abortion now before worrying about the technicalities of having one.

NoParticularPattern · 11/08/2017 21:33

Sorry you're going through this. Sorry also that your "D"P is so spectacularly crap. Big hugs.

If you do decide to go through with this- and I'm sure there are people out there who can properly medically advise you about how the baby would/wouldn't be affected by the tablets- then I am North Yorkshire if I can help you at all.

Lots of love and I hope you get lots of support however you choose to sort this out.

user1468353179 · 11/08/2017 21:37

It's not your problem, it's his too. Tell him he needs to be there, you can't do it on your own.

GrabbyMcGrabby · 11/08/2017 21:38

Just had a quick look about possible birth defects. Suggest you get some reliable medical advice. May not be as bad as you think.

MeriWitch · 12/08/2017 12:35

Not much advice just wanted to offer a hand hold

I'm in West Yorkshire (bradford/Leeds) and would pick you up if you needed also

Original poster

roastandyorkies · 17/08/2017 17:24

I went. And I bottled it completely. Had a really long wait and when I saw the bright room and the bottle to collect it in I just freaked out. She stuck the speculum up me and I just panicked. Never felt so terrible in my life. Gone home now where I may well miscarry anyway as I took the tablets or consider what the fuck I'm going to do now. Am almost 12 weeks

OP posts:

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