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This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

Baby number 4 and I just don't know what to do..

29 replies

IsThereEverARightTime · 20/07/2017 08:47

I've named changed, for obvious reasons.

I've recently found out that I'm pregnant, I was on the pill so not expected at all. I should be around 4.5 weeks so very early still.

I just have no idea what to do - I've rewritten this post over and over because my thoughts and words are just ramblings so please excuse my spelling and punctuation

We have 3 DC already, the eldest is 5 and youngest nearly 2, we've talked about a fourth and have both said we would like another in a few years time. We are just about on our feet after a tough few months financially.
I know we would cope with another, it wouldn't be easy but we would manage.

BUT

It has come at the completely wrong time. Mentally I am already stretched with having 3 so young, we would need to move to a bigger house (we rent) which is an extra cost we just can't afford. We would also need a bigger car and I know this sounds selfish but I was just starting to feel like I got some of my identity back. I'm more than ready to leave the baby days behind and my partner is in agreement.

Other BUT

I just don't know if I can terminate. We made this baby together and It should be given the chance of life, right?
Part of me wants this baby, the other part wants to run for the hills. One minute I think I've made my mind up and then I change it again, I've been in this loop for days now.

I know that If I terminate, ill always be asking myself If I made the right decision but I also don't want to put the extra strain on my partner and children (and of course myself).

My partner has said he thinks I should terminate but he understands it's not as simple as that. He thinks i'm going to continue the pregnancy but I genuinely don't know what to do, it's a real heart or head situation.

I understand how incredibly lucky I am to have 3 healthy children and conceive again, unfortunately that doesn't make this decision any easier either way.

I really need some words of wisdom!

OP posts:
AltheaThoon · 20/07/2017 12:13

It is a really difficult decision to make. Don't you just wish Mother Nature would sort it for you? Sad

Please don't refer to your reasons for considering a termination as 'selfish'. It's not selfish to make the best decision for you and your family. All the reasons you listed for considering a termination are completely valid. Its okay to centre yourself in this picture.

It doesn't sound like having a termination sits easily with you though. I'm not sure it sits easily with anyone really. No little girl thinks 'when i grow up i want to have an abortion', it's not something anybody wants, but life doesn't always go as planned and circumstances sometimes force us to make very difficult decisions.

Justhadmyhaircut · 20/07/2017 12:18

For me 4 was easier than 3!! No middle child and 2 pairs. . You and your dh have a hand each!!
Congratulations xxx
Flowers

Oddsocksforeveryone · 20/07/2017 12:34

I'm 25 weeks pregnant with surprise dc4. Found out at what I think was about 2 months I can't remember.
Youngest was 1 last week, other 2 are 5 and 7.
We talked about termination. I had just decided not to have any more, then found out about the baby.
Our car had recently packed in and couldn't afford a new one, moving is not an option for us, I've had complicated pregnancies and 3 csections things like that.
We've both been in and out of denial, DH up until a few weeks ago literally just kept forgetting even though I've got a sizeable bump and had spent most of the pregnancy throwing up badly.
I've no idea how it will be, we are in the middle of redecorating half the house, and sorting out the garden. It is daunting and terrifying and definitely not a sensible time to have a baby.
BUT I love this baby, my DH and other children love this baby. I'm pretty sure it's going to be chaos, my head is panicking. But my heart is overjoyed. I'm probably crazy from pregnancy hormones but I feel like I could have more in a few years.
I'm sorry that I can't really give advice, just that I think how you feel is normal and there isn't any right or wrong way to feel or act x

Original poster
IsThereEverARightTime · 20/07/2017 13:16

Don't you just wish Mother Nature would sort it for you?

YES! This is exactly what I keep thinking, It's not just that I can't come to a decision, I don't want too.

Justhadmyhaircut I've been reading my way through old post's and have seen that quite a lot actually! going from 2-3 was a breeze, so It can't be too bad surely?

Oddsocksforeveryone Thank you for your post, genuinely. I think we may be in denial too. The more days that go by, the more I think of it as my (our) baby which makes things harder - or easier depending which way you look at it. It's really good to hear from someone who is in a similar situation life wise.

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 20/07/2017 16:11

If mother nature did decide I reckon there's a good chance you'd still feel gutted. Also I don't think you ever regret a baby once it's born. The practical things have a way of working themselves out. Only you can decide whether terminating or keeping the pregnancy is the right thing to do. You're really early on so it could potentially be a relatively straightforward process. Good luck whichever way you go.

Desmondo2016 · 20/07/2017 16:12

Gonna add a cheeky P.S. here... it doesn't sound like you want to terminate to be honest.

Original poster
IsThereEverARightTime · 20/07/2017 17:54

Desmondo Oh of course, there's no doubt about that.

I don't want to terminate, I really don't but I don't know If I want/can manage another baby either

OP posts:
AltheaThoon · 20/07/2017 18:14

I think if you don't want to terminate then you definitely shouldn't.

I don't think it's great advice to say 'no one ever regrets a baby' because it's not necessarily true. People don't talk about it because it's seen as 'unnatural' for mothers to regret their children but it definitely happens. Nor is it helpful to say the practical stuff will 'sort itself out'. You'll cope, of course, because we always do (even coping badly is coping!) but it might be difficult. People shouldn't underestimate the issues that an unplanned baby could cause in another person's life.

Sorry if that's a bit ranty, those points really bother me. They're like throwaway remarks that mean nothing, because the only person in your situation is you.

Very best wishes op. Flowers

specialsubject · 23/07/2017 12:35

People do regret babies. Too many kids, not enough space or money makes things very hard. Every child a totally wanted child.

Never easy to decide on an abortion.

I wish you the best in whatever you decide.

Original poster
IsThereEverARightTime · 07/08/2017 14:41

I'd just thought I'd update and I really need some advice even more now!

I still wasn't sure (I'm still not) but I have come to the hospital to talk about my options etc in regards to abortion.

I've just been scanned and IT'S TWINS! Shock

I really wasn't sure what to do in the first place but now I'm all over the place. I don't even know what to say

OP posts:
shirleythefamilyguy · 08/08/2017 11:58

Oh my goodness op. What a shock, and I imagine your partner is also in shock.

I'm afraid I don't have any similar experience but hopefully someone will come along with something helpful to say. Did the hospital offer any recommendations in terms of support/counselling to help you with the decision?

user1475002412 · 08/08/2017 15:13

Oh my Shock so it would be baby number 4 and 5. Did they confirm how many weeks you are? I guess your decision is now doubly hard? You poor thing.

VinIsGroot · 08/08/2017 18:14

OP this shouldn't effect your decision....

user1475002412 · 08/08/2017 18:26

I think it would affect most peoples decision vin there are loads of practical implications like how do you afford FIVE children. Even things like how do you afford five lots of tuition fees, driving lessons etc etc. Practical stuff too like would you have enough time to spend meaningful time with all your children.

Adviceplease360 · 08/08/2017 18:31

Oh op, I don't think you should terminate simply because you don't want to. I think you will regret terminating because underneath the worry you seem excited. Take care

SilverFrost · 08/08/2017 18:32

I know a young boy. Oldest of 4. He feels neglected. His mum never has enough time for all of them. They are pretty poor financially as well. He is an attention seeker at school and behaves badly just to get someone to notice him. It is sad.

RiseToday · 08/08/2017 18:37

Bloody hell, that must have been a shock.

How are you feeling?

Mrscropley · 08/08/2017 18:39

Silverfrost I have 11 and they are not short of anything. .

Original poster
IsThereEverARightTime · 08/08/2017 18:48

Vin of course this effects my decision.

I wasn't 100% sure what to do yesterday and then I got to the hospital and immediately ran to the loos to have a cry Blush all I could think is what on earth am I doing here?!

I'm 7 weeks and they are both measuring the same with strong heartbeats, they couldn't tell me anymore than that.
Since finding out there is 2, I just don't think I can terminate. It's hard to explain because obviously it will be even more difficult (five children** Shock).

I'm still not 100% sure but that's how I feel right at this moment.

Silver I think that's also down to parenting, you could be an only child and be ignored by your parents

OP posts:
OnlyGodKnowsWhy · 08/08/2017 19:00

Hi OP. I'm sorry you are in this situation. I've been there and I'd like to tell you the story.

I found out I was expecting dc4. I already had a 4,3 and 1 year old. We were pretty horrified as money was already super tight, we had small rooms and like you, I was concerned for myself mentally.

We discussed termination and eventually we decided the only thing we could do was write a list of the cons to having the baby. If we could find ways around the cons then we knew we would struggle to cope with termination. As it was, we could find solutions and so the decision was made.

We started getting excited, coming up with names and wondering about the gender. Then at 10 weeks I started bleeding. The baby had stopped growing around 7 weeks. I was heartbroken, probably because we had been through the mill to actually decide to have it as much as miscarrying causes heart break anyways. I passed the sac on my daughters 5th birthday.

We immediately knew we were going to try for a fourth. Sounds crazy I know but we had started planning for a family with four kids and now our family felt incomplete. I was lucky enough to fall pregnant the very next month and our youngest is now 7 years old and very very much loved.

Whatever you decide, it will be what's best for your family. I hope everything works out well whichever way you go.

redphonebox · 08/08/2017 23:28

Wow OP, what a rollercoaster. Good luck with your decision. Life has a way of throwing curve balls sometimes doesn't it?!

I can't offer you much advice as I've only got one (so far) but I would agree with you that being part of a large family doesn't necessarily mean you are ignored. And the kid who acts up the most in my DD's nursery class is an only child.

GlitteryFluff · 09/08/2017 00:01

Oh wow op that must have been such a shock.
I've no advice, I can't help you make that decision. You've got to do what's right for you and your family. If that's terminating then so be it. But how amazing if you don't terminate and have twins!
I think the point above about money for things like driving lessons etc shouldn't make your decision. If you can afford to feed them, clothe them, house them, etc until they're old enough for working then all is ok. Things like uni fees, house deposits, driving lessons are things that you don't have to do. Not everyone gets that kind of help and it's ok if they don't. But instead they'd have two extra siblings.

wobblywonderwoman · 09/08/2017 00:10

I have no advice op but just want to wish you all the very best in a very difficult situation Flowers

VinIsGroot · 09/08/2017 15:34

isthereever If you feel like you can't cope with another child or afford another child then I can see how that would change of there was two children.... It would make your decision more certain surely ! ???

I've never aborted a child and had a surprise extra one ...so tbh I don't understand .... Before it was a child and now it's children .... You can't save a child because it has a twin... It's a bit like the second one is more important than the first!
Sorry I don't understand and I don't mean to upset you. I just thought if you'd made your decision .....

Jackiebrambles · 09/08/2017 15:40

OMG twins! Was your partner with you at the scan? What has he said?

I totally understand that this would affect your decision.

Give yourself some time, you've had a shock and a half!