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This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Pregnancy choices

Not sure if I want this baby I'm 38 and thinking of getting a termination

20 replies

evascA · 12/06/2017 22:14

Hi

Been on pill for 20 years have 2 kids ages 6 and 8 and a puppy. We have a good standard of living with caravan and abroad holidays kids do slot of hobbies. We get to have wkds away in our own.I always got bit broody about havin a third. Now its happened I missed a pill and I'm 4 weeks. I was completely shocked just didn't think it would happen after all thsee years being on the pill and my age. Cried alot. Have nog yolk a genuine including husband. I've booked my medical abortion on Friday won't have anyone there with me as I just cannot tell anyone as feel like they would judge me and I just want this to be over. I do however also feel really sad and guilty that I'm doing this. My husband has just been made redundant and his new job hasn't started yet we are both on strict diet as both over weIght. My kids will miss out on a timely the holidays we have planned if there's a baby isitter feel like I had deprived my other two if our time and they miss out. It does sound to me like u should go ahead with it but there's also a big urge to not want to terminate as it's my baby. So confusedConfused

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sticklebrix · 12/06/2017 22:19

Didn't want to read and run OP. Is there any way to organise some counselling with the abortion provider before Friday? Flowers

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Fingermoose · 12/06/2017 22:28

Do you think your husband would help you talk it through? Or a counsellor, as stickle says.

You've got time to think and breathe if you're 4 weeks pregnant.

Flowers for you.

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Liska · 12/06/2017 22:30

Are you saying you haven't told your husband? (I'm sorry I couldn't quite work it out). I certainly wouldn't judge you on whatever you decide, and I don't think anyone else has the right to either: you are thinking of the family you have now, and putting your kids first, and that can never be wrong. But I don't think you should have to carry the weight of this on your own - you need to talk to someone who will allow you to make your own decision and respect your decision. I agree with sticklebrix that counselling would be a good idea. It might also be difficult afterwards if you go ahead without telling your husband - if you don't plan to v tell him ever it could become difficult having what would essentially be a secret from him. Only you know how your relationship works, but you should have someone to support you. Sending hugs for now.Flowers

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evascA · 12/06/2017 22:35

That was rubbish English sorry I didn't preview before I posted .yes I haven't told hubby as I know get will devestated cos of his job and we already feel spread thinly over the other two they are demanding ! He's a great dad and alet hough he rill be shocked and upset he wouldn't want me to terminate. So if I went ahead anyway it would cause us to break a party probably. I know my post comes across as selfish but iam being selfish for my kids I have now they will miss out in loads our time and holidays etc. Not many opportunities to go out if have three kids so me and hubby's relationship will change . But then again I love babies and would give it the world but at what cost! Hmm

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picklemepopcorn · 12/06/2017 22:37

Not selfish! Just very aware of all the implications. Don't rush to decide, you don't sound very sure or clear yet. That's ok. Is there someone you can talk to?

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evascA · 12/06/2017 22:40

No only my dog ☺

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BaronessBomburst · 12/06/2017 22:45

A pregnancy and a baby really don't have the same impact on a man as it does a woman. I think your reasoning is sound and I'd do the same.
I also think your self-less, not selfish. You're putting you family and children before your own feelings and they'll neither know nor understand.

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LaurieFairyCake · 12/06/2017 22:53

The difficulty here is you've said that if he knew and you went ahead he might split from you.

If that's true are you planning on keeping this a secret for your whole life ? Sad

That's not good for you, for your marriage.

You have enough time to get some help with this FlowersFlowers

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evascA · 13/06/2017 00:03

Thanks for the messages
I couldn't tell hubby later on that would be even worse ! He defiantly would want to split if i had abortion behind his back. We are going on a mini break together in 2 weeks I can't go being pregnant secretly I'd have to get it done before . Just wish wasn't in this situation. 1 missed pill after 6 years and I get caught. to be honest I was thinking it be good to have a baby wen he started his job and when we can think about moving bigger house and when my anxiety is controlled more as I have periods of generalised anxiety. So if this happened 6 months done the line maybe I'd feel different.
But it still be same for kids led holidays less money for them . I asked if they would like a Bro or sis one day today they both screamed yes☺.obviously they don't know the impact it would have . Was even looking at holidays for 5 see how easy it would be to go away but couldn't find anything . Some hard thinking to do x

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haveacupoftea · 13/06/2017 00:18

Firstly you need to talk to your husband.

Secondly, I know I would choose having my sister in my life over having more holidays.

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LilQueenie · 13/06/2017 00:22

You need to tell your husband. If you are concerned how your kids will miss out with a new baby then consider what will happen when your husband does find out (and it always comes out) and they have a broken home if his reaction is what you expect! Tell him.

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lilydaisyrose · 13/06/2017 00:27

I have a 9 and 8 year old and a nearly 6 month old. We don't really go on holiday so that's not something I can really comment on, but I can't say that the new baby hasn't made an impact on our life - she has turned our lives completely upside down. It's so tricky to juggle after school activities, school mornings and getting out of the house is super stressful and I'm so exhausted (EBF) most of the time. However I wouldn't change it for the world. My little girl has enriched all our lives so completely and we absolutely cannot imagine life without her now. We love her to pieces and she is so worth all the disruption/lack of space/less sleep etc.

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orkneyfudge · 13/06/2017 00:30

I can see you're really conflicted but would you really make a decision on a baby partly/mainly based on package holidays? Can you not adapt your future holiday plans? It seems like such a non issue to base such a massive life decision on.

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Lemond1fficult · 13/06/2017 00:32

I'm 100% pro-woman's choice (and had an abortion years ago, which I've never regretted), but for the sake of your marriage i don't think you should make this decision behind your husband's back.

  1. Can you absolutely guarantee he'll never, ever find out? As you've realised, this kind of secret could end your marriage if it came out. You'd be sitting on a timebomb.


  1. While your financial reasoning is totally valid, it doesn't sound like you 100% want this abortion. If you go ahead in secret and regret it, you'll never be able to talk about it to anyone, or be comforted by your husband.


  1. You should be able to talk to your husband, and he should be willing to see your point of view. If you can't discuss it with him, you may well have deeper problems than this. He shouldn't be leaving you because you don't want to have another baby, for whatever reason.


It took two of you to make this pregnancy, so please don't bear this burden alone. Whatever you decide I hope you make the right decision for yourself first - it'll be you doing the carrying, and most of the childcare after all. Flowers
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Lemond1fficult · 13/06/2017 00:35

And also - if you have an abortion, you can't have sex for 4 weeks after, to avoid infection. So if you have the procedure and go on your mini-break, you won't be able to have sex, which may be difficult to explain away.

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FirsttimemumJan18 · 13/06/2017 02:53

Hi Evasca...I sense that you are not 100% sure on having this abortion. A decision like this is a HUGE burden to deal with alone. I know your circumstances aren't ideal but feel that if you don't tell your husband this secret will burden you forever. You may be fine afterwards...but later down the line it will pray on your mind. But only you know this for sure. You are obviously a great mum and by sharing this with your husband his reaction may surprise you! As
my dear mother has always told me, 'There is NEVER a right time to have a child'. You are in a happy and stable relationship and could give that baby so much love. I hope that you are okay and have the courage to tell your husband. I pray that if you go ahead with it that you don't live to regret it. Take Care x

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jen1234 · 13/06/2017 11:01

lilydaisyrose

you sound like me in the mornings without the new baby .
I have 6 and 8 year old, its very demanding in the mornings. I have to get them ready and then go to work myself. not sure id cope and it wouldn't be fair on my other two. I already have days when I feel like iam just constantly asking them to put shoes on brush teeth they asking me to braid their hair etc. I loose my patience a lot in the mornings when they ignore me and im trying to get out the house!
just don't know if I could cope going on the school run with the baby then taking the baby to childcare then to work. then most days I pick them up too and it be the same again.
it just seems too hard. my husband goes to work ( when he starts new job) at 0600 so he couldn't help.


thank you everyone for the replies you have been helpful and nice, I thought there would be a lot of negative replies.

yes the holiday thing does seem very petty but its just one of a lot of things we would have to give up and I feel so guilty on my other two.

thanks everyone not sure what to do just want it all to go away and the longer my appointment is the more iam hesitating. :(

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LornaMumsnet · 13/06/2017 11:13

Hi there OP,

We are so sorry to hear that you're having a difficult time.

We're going to move this thread over to pregnancy choices as we think that it's better suited to your opening post.

Sending love from MNHQ.

Flowers

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sticklebrix · 13/06/2017 23:38

OP please tell your DH sooner rather than later!

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sticklebrix · 13/06/2017 23:40

Sorry, posted too soon. I meant to add that it sounds like you have a good relationship and that he is the kind of man who eventually might be brought around to your decision, whatever it is. You need his support, whatever happens Flowers

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