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Pregnancy choices

Just found out that I am pregnant and I am so upset

31 replies

Lolipoplady · 25/04/2015 22:11

Did a test this morning after my period was 4 days late, and to my shock I am pregnant :(

I came off the pill two months ago and my cycle was longer than usual last month, so I thought the same had happened again this month, but no, I have managed to get pregnant. I feel so incredibly stupid.

I have no children yet, but DP and I were planning to start trying in the next year or so. We don't live together, but yesterday I found out that I have finally got a job that will allow me to relocate and move in with DP. Which I'm over the moon about, it felt like our life together was finally starting to work out.

Now I'm pregnant and I just know that I have to have an abortion. I feel like I just want this bundle of cells out of me asap before it grows anymore. I never, ever, thought that I would have an abortion, but I just cannot be pregnant right now. Financially, it's just not possible, and I'm finally starting on a career that I have worked so hard for (have had mental health problems in the past which meant that I was late going to uni, so I've been a bit behind my peers for the last 10 years, really). I'm 30 now.

I feel desperate for a termination but at the same time desperately sad, because I know that if this had happened in a year or two's time, when we are settled and financially more stable (and I am eligible for maternity pay, for example), we would be thrilled. We both want to have children and have talked about it so much, but the timing is just awful :(

Sorry that this is such a rambling post, I think I'm still in shock. I have told DP and my dad, but haven't been able to tell my mum or my brothers. Might speak to a friend tomorrow. I live with my parents, but I just can't tell my mum because she really wants grandchildren and doesn't agree with abortion, so I know she will be devastated by this and make me feel like a bad person too. It's hard keeping it from her while being in the same house, though.

Has anyone else had an experience like this? I suppose I just want someone to talk to who knows what it feels like. I am also really scared that the abortion won't work first time round and that this nightmare will be prolonged even after I move. I don't want to be starting my new job while still pregnant. I wish it was all a bad dream :(

OP posts:
Clemmers · 25/04/2015 23:10

Oh OP, I completely understand where you are coming from. I had a termination last week and wish things could have been different. My partner lives 3 hrs away, we hadn't even discussed living together before. Like you, I felt that had we been a couple of years from now, when we are settled and in a routine, the outcome would have been to continue the pregnancy without question. Hopefully this will still happen. But as it stands, we just weren't in the right place, financially or emotionally. It's a decision I wouldn't have wished on my worst enemy, so I'm sending you so much love and support Flowers

Lolipoplady · 26/04/2015 09:11

Thank you Clemmers, I really appreciate your reply. I am so unbelievably sad and scared by it all. And I feel so stupid for getting into this situation.

Do you mind if I ask a little bit about your termination experience?

DP phoned me, completely drunk, at about 3am this morning saying that he wanted to have a family with me, wanted to have the baby etc. Which has made me feel even worse :( It's just an impossible situation. He wouldn't be able to support a family, financially, he can barely support himself as he is on a very low wage. Which is why I need to take this job.

OP posts:
Clemmers · 26/04/2015 10:58

Morning Lolipoplady,

I understand completely. I am currently unemployed, and am desperate to find a job. My other half is only on a low wage so would have been unable to support all 3 of us. I'm 42 and the pregnancy was a complete accident, I felt so irresponsible and ashamed. I just couldn't bring a child into my current situation. Luckily he was of the same mind as me. He's been fantastic, a real rock, and we both want to try again once we are settled.

And of course, ask me anything. What do you need to know?

GingerCuddleMonster · 26/04/2015 11:03


I've just had a medical termination, I have one child who is 8months old but there was no way I could emotionally or financially support another child so soon.

I felt so lost so sad to have found myself in the situation, but knew deep down there was only one solution for me and my family.

Now 4days after the termination I honestly feel like a weight has been lifted and I can move on with life knowing I did what was best for us. Thanks

differentnameforthis · 26/04/2015 12:57

My situation was different to yours in that I already had 2 children & didn't want anymore. So much was my need to not have anymore that I begged my gp to refer me to be sterilised, he refused & I fell pregnant.

I terminated. It wasn't something I ever thought I would do, but I did & it was OK! It worked perfectly fine first time round & all I felt was relief.

You do not have to justify your choice, you have your reasons & they are yours alone.

What does your dp say?

Flowers because I know how hard it is to be pregnant when you don't want to be!

Lolipoplady · 26/04/2015 21:06

Thank you ginger different and clemmers for your input on this, you are so lovely. It's so good to know that I am not alone!

different, DP is of the same opinion as me that it is just not feasible to bring a child into our lives just now. He has been very supportive and said that he would continue to support me whatever my decision, but I know that he is relieved, really, that I don't want to continue with the pregnancy.

I am really hoping that I feel the same relief that you have all mentioned, and come through the other side like you have - at the moment I just want this over with.

Clemmers, what kind of procedure did you have? Was it straightforward? I am still trying to decide between medical and surgical abortion, think I am veering towards surgical because it seems that there is a lower likelihood of failure. For some reason the thing that is scaring me the most at the moment is that the procedure won't work! Did anyone else worry about this?

Flowers to you all, because I'm sorry that we have had to go through this

OP posts:
Lolipoplady · 26/04/2015 21:12

Different this is something I never thought I would do either! I even said to DP about two years ago, that if I accidentally got pregnant I would not ever have a termination unless it was medically necessary. And it's so strange, because I just knew straightaway yesterday that I HAD to have an abortion. There was not a shred of doubt in my mind. I think that being confronted with the actual reality of it shifted my way of thinking!

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 26/04/2015 21:20

Why did you come off the pill, were there negative side effects?

DougalTheCheshireCat · 26/04/2015 21:27

OP I had a v similar situation. I did have an abortion, did the career things I needed to do, DP and I built our relationship. Then got pregnant (planned) 18 months later, PFB is now two, we're working on our second, everybody is v happy.

It can work out and be a good / right decision. For DP and I, it precipitated good conversations around 'if not now, when?' And 'if not now, what do we need to do to feel ready?' It helped focus us. Without it, maybe it would have taken us longer to get on the same page.

Vice versa, we know a couple where they went ahead with an unplanned pregnancy. Although still together and have had a second child, that couple still argue (sometimes within the earshot of their first child) about whose fault it was that they got pregnant. That's not great for their child.

The one piece of advice I would offer is: stop talking to others about it. Apart from DP, no one in our RL knew then or knows now not my parents, not my siblings, not my friends. I was early 30s, we'd just moved in together, on paper there were plenty reasons to go ahead then. But we knew what was the right decision for us, we didn't need anyone else's feelings or opinions on it. Your mum may want a lot of things, but this is your life, not hers. Get some counselling to help you work through your choices: it is independent and discreet.

And I took it seriously: I felt a strong connection to that spirit, had a conversation with them explaing that I wasn't ready. Their answer was 'I know, I'm here to tell you it's time to get ready' I thanked them for coming, promised to honour the insights they brought (I have, do) we shared love, it was profound. I am grateful for it all.

Good luck

Lolipoplady · 26/04/2015 21:34

The pill I was on was a special one called Dianette, which has cyproterone acetate in it, an anti-androgen. I was taking it as a form of contraceptive but primarily to help deal with hormonal hair loss (male pattern baldness). It worked pretty well but you can't take it continuously as there are possible side effects on the liver - benign tumours. So over the last few years I've been taking it for 6-12 months then having a break, and switching to another pill for 6 months. This time, I wanted to give my body a rest, and so I didn't take anything. I am really regretting it now :(

We used condoms, but over the Easter weekend we did have unprotected sex. I thought we would be safe but I must have ovulated at a weird time because of coming off the pill. I feel incredibly stupid for taking such a risk, I can't believe that I have been such a fool and I feel like I deserve to feel pain and upset because this is my fault. I am so, so angry with myself!

OP posts:
DougalTheCheshireCat · 26/04/2015 21:36

Also, practical stuff: I had an EArly Medical Abortion at about 7/8 weeks. All v straight forward, went fine, although I insisted on the in clinic follow up and scan after (the clinic I wPEnt to was trialling at home pregnancy test only rather than a follow up appointment. They offered it to me, I declined, I wanted to be sure all was fine).

You need to move fast on the practicalities: get a referral to BPAS or Marie Stopes Asap (go to your gp or family planning service walk in) as soon as possible. I was caught out by a just moved house / not registered with gp yet / bank holiday double whammy. So it all moved a bit more slowly than I would have liked, and was lucky and EMA was still an option.

Both BPAS and Marie Stopes offer counselling as standard, so you can reflect on what you want to do while / once in their process. If you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy it's easy to step away. But it might take a couple of weeks to get things organised: you need to be getting on with that while you think things over, not after you've made your final decision.

Lolipoplady · 26/04/2015 21:42

Sorry x-post with Dougal. Thanks Dougal, it is so encouraging to hear that you had a positive (?) experience of termination. I hope that the word positive doesn't sound offensive, but it sounds like you learnt a lot and grew from the experience. It made me tear up a bit! I hope that it will be the same for me.

DP and I know that a termination is the right thing for us now. I am at least at peace knowing that it's the right choice.

OP posts:
DougalTheCheshireCat · 26/04/2015 21:44

Lollipop, it's ok, it was a mistake. Mine was a very similar situation. It can be hard to believe how easy it is to get pregnant until you do.

Two pieces of advice: think carefully about what contraception you go for next. I'd come off the pill for not dissimilar reasons, we'd mananged things fine for a year, had one accident + a dates miscalculation and there we were. But afterwards it had an effect on our sex life, as it shook us both. So, mindful of knowing we were getting out lives to the right place for a baby, I went on the mini pill (cerazette) thinking it was a lower dose contraceptive alternative. This was a BIG mistake. I was on,y on it for 4 months but it messed with my cycle and ironically made it tricky to conceive after! I had to see a private gynaecologist to sort things out.

After this, get and read Taking Charge of Your Fertility, and how charting and FAM works and be very wary of any hormonal based contraception.

DougalTheCheshireCat · 26/04/2015 21:58

Yes, I would say a positive experience, yes. It was something thst I those circumstances I never thought I'd do. But as soon as it dawned on me that I was pregnant I can remember feeling 'oh no no no no, not now'.

For me, it really asked me to reflect on what made me feel thst, and to live my life experiencing those things afterwards, to the outside, not much was different, but it helped me consciously do a few someday / one day things.

For DP, he would have been supportive if I'd wanted to go ahead, of course. But deep down he would have felt trapped.

When the test was positive he said very little, I think he was afraid to tell me how he felt (that he didn't want to go ahead). In the end I begged him to, explaining that a decision he wasn't on board with was the wrong decision, so I needed to know how he felt. He was deeply moved by my asking for his honesty, not just his agreement.

I think for both of us, now, it makes us better parents. I don't ever regret things I'm not doing / having in my life while I parent v young children, a had a window to take some extra time for me, I took it, now I can wait until that space comes back into my life again when my children are older.

And for DP, he had time to consciously commit and recommit to becoming a father, with me as the mother of his children. In the dark, hard times that come when you are coping with early parenthood, it has mattered a lot that deep down we choose this of our own free will.

2Differentnameforthis · 26/04/2015 22:20

I'm a regular but I have name changed for this.

I was in your situation about 10 years ago, wanted a break from my pill so me and an exp used withdrawal. We we're going thru a rough patch too so looking back it was very naive. When I found out I was pg we were not together and when I told him he was awful to me. I never thought I could ever have an abortion but I felt it was the only decision, I just wanted to not be pregnant and for this part of my exp to be out of me as soon as possible. I got the positive test on The Monday and was booked into Marie stopes on the Friday after a getting a loan to pay for it. It felt 100 % the right thing to do. I hardly told anyone as I didn't want anyone to influence my decision. The process was very straight forward and quick, the nurses were lovely and I felt well looked after.

To he honest the months immediately after we're really tough, whenever I'd see pregnant women or babies i'd feel a pang of guilt but over time it got easier.

I've now been with my wonderful
Dp for 6 years and we are expecting our 2nd baby in the summer. As soon as I got my bfp with my first and had the feeling of pure happiness and excitement, I knew i'd made the right decision all those years ago.

Good luck with what you decide, as pp said defintley look into counselling to help come to your decion and for your feelings afterward, I didn't but I wish I had.

Clemmers · 26/04/2015 22:26

Hi Lolipoplady, I had a medical termination because the waiting time for a surgical one was too long for me. I was barely sleeping, barely eating, in tears a lot, I just wanted it over so that I could feel like "Me" again.

I self referred, using the family planning clinic. They got me an appt for T.O.P.S (termination of pregnancy services), which is based in the local hospital. I was admitted as a day patient, and stayed until it was all over. I arrived at 7.30am and had passed the pregnancy by lunchtime, but I know everyone is different. Yes It was painful and yes it was upsetting but also not as bad as I imagined - if that makes sense? Everyone was so kind and so reassuring, which helped.

differentnameforthis · 27/04/2015 04:23

And it's so strange, because I just knew straightaway yesterday that I HAD to have an abortion. There was not a shred of doubt in my mind.

That is exactly how I felt as soon as I saw that line appear!

Which was odd, as I wanted my previous children with everything I had! Every moment I was pregnant with them was a blessing, all the aches, the sickness etc.

But with the unwanted one, it felt like a curse. It was horrible, I prayed to see bloody, I prayed for something to happen so I didn't have to do it.

I am glad I did now, 5yrs on I couldn't imagine having another child. I don't think I would have coped!

Your reasons are valid, op. And your choice is too.

NameChange30 · 27/04/2015 07:44

I feel incredibly stupid for taking such a risk, I can't believe that I have been such a fool and I feel like I deserve to feel pain and upset because this is my fault. I am so, so angry with myself!

Aw OP, you're not stupid and don't deserve to feel pain. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. Yes you and your DP made a mistake, but try not to beat yourself about it.


Lolipoplady · 27/04/2015 08:38

Thank you all for your support, I really appreciate it. I phoned my GP this morning, unfortunately couldn't get an appointment today, but have got one for tomorrow morning. I phoned BPAS yesterday and they need a referral from my GP before they will do anything. I don't know about local services yet without speaking to GP.

I wish I could go to Marie Stopes, I phoned them and they could fit me in for the procedure either end of this week or beginning of next, but I don't qualify for NHS treatment through them and it's such a long way to travel from where I live too. But I would have done the travelling to get it over and done with, I just really can't afford the cost. Even BPAS is about 70 miles away - I live in the middle of nowhere!

BPAS is going to mean a consultation and then a return visit about a week later, and I have no idea about local services like I said but I imagine there will be a wait for them if they're even available. Nothing comes up on google.

I'm about 5 weeks today, so I'm going to be over 7 weeks by the time this is over. Every day is torture :( I suffer with anxiety at the best of times, and I am very anxious about the move and new job - I am moving 5 hours away to be with DP, and while I am excited about that, the type of anxiety I have means that I am very scared about leaving home, where I am now. It sounds so stupid. It's a type of childhood separation anxiety that never went away and so has turned into a disorder. With this pregnancy to deal with on top, I am really, really, struggling emotionally now :(

OP posts:
DougalTheCheshireCat · 27/04/2015 23:12

Good luck for tomorrow. Ask the GPs about a general counselling referral too maybe? And / or depending on the timing, have this top of your to do list when you move. It sounds like you could do with some on going support while you deal with the various things going on in your life.

Maybe talk to your DP about whether together you can work out how to afford some private counselling or therapy once you move? Just as the wait on the nhs can be long, and it sounds like you need support now.

TendonQueen · 27/04/2015 23:46

Does your GP know you well and/or know about your anxiety? I would tell them tomorrow that you are struggling with this and a fast referral plus helpful advice would be really beneficial for you in many ways.

I would consider the Mirena coil for contraception for a while. I wasn't able to use the Pill myself but Mirena was fine. They say that ideally you'd have had children first, but I didn't, and I went on to do so afterwards, so it's definitely worth exploring.

laurenlhthompson · 28/04/2015 19:12

Hi Lolipoplady

I wanted to reply to your original message as I can really relate to your situation.

In February I got a job that has allowed me to further my career and move in with my partner 150 miles away. 2 weeks into my new job I found out I was pregnant. I also struggle with anxiety. It is such a hard situation to be in.

I wish you lots of luck with your decision and I hope you feel less anxious soon.


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Lolipoplady · 28/04/2015 22:25

Hello, thank you everyone. Well I went to my appointment this morning and I do feel a lot better after it, although I can't say that I feel good.

Tendon my doctor is the father of one of my best friends, so he knows me fairly well. He prescribed me some low-dose diazepam to help with the anxiety in the short term, which has been good because I've been able to take a couple today and feel calmer. He also reassured me that the local service was fast, which it has turned out to be.

I'm booked in now for a medical termination after the bank holiday. Tuesday for the consultation and first tablet, and Thursday (election day!) for the second tablet. I have to be at the clinic from 8.30am to 4.30pm while I pass the pregnancy, which I'm glad of really because they will hopefully be able to ascertain that the pregnancy has actually passed. I'm not allowed to drive home, so my brother is going to take me and a friend will pick me up. I am SO lucky to have people who are able and willing to do this - it is a 90 minute drive each way so a taxi would be hugely expensive. Ideally I would have liked a surgical abortion but they won't do this until 6 weeks. I am 5 weeks exactly today so no way am I waiting another 4 weeks! I might as well give the medical procedure a go and hope that it is successful.

lauren thank you for your message and I hope that you too find relief from your anxiety and feel at peace with your decision, whatever it may be.

Dougal Thank you for all your advice. I think that counselling would be a good idea. I had some as a teenager/early twenties, but it has been a while and while my anxiety is better it is very much still there and has a grip on my life.

OP posts:
Lolipoplady · 05/05/2015 21:40

Had my first termination appointment this afternoon, for a medical termination. Was expecting to take the first tablet and go back on Thursday to finish the process. The gestational sac measured 14mm which apparently dates me at 6+2, however, the ultrasound showed no yolk sac and no fetal pole. So it looks as if I might have an anembryonic pregnancy aka "blighted ovum".

I am 100% about dates, especially given the fact that DP and I only dtd over the Easter weekend which would make it at the very least 3 weeks 4 days since conception, even if he had super strong sperm!

I have to wait another week now and go to the Early Pregnancy Unit for another scan. Then referred back to the termination service if the pregnancy is indeed ongoing. So if I do actually have a viable pregnancy, I am going to have to wait another 2 weeks at least to get it sorted.

I sort of feel a bit numb, I thought this nightmare was almost over but apparently not :( I had it in my head that by Friday it would all be over.

OP posts:
crapfatbanana · 05/05/2015 21:47

Ack, sorry to hear this is dragging on for you.

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