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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

To terminate or to keep.

37 replies

PheasantFeather · 08/01/2015 11:48

I am mid twenties, have a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend and recently found out I am 7 weeks pregnant. Not planned.

We both run our own businesses and money is fine. One of my worries is that a baby will scupper my career plans.

We are completely at a loss about what to do.

We had so many plans to travel, we love going out, and both are very spontaneous, active people. We are worried a baby will put a stop to this.

We also realise we got ourselves into this and there are countless people in a far worse situation than we are. We both have loving families to help and I work from home.

I have never been pregnant before nor have I had a termination. Advice on either route would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
holeinmyheart · 08/01/2015 19:59

You may think this baby is just a scrap of tissue but if you do go on and marry your BF and have more children, you may feel differently about this baby. The more babies you have the more real they become right from conception.
You are really too young to know what the future holds for you.
I personally could not put my ambition above what I see as a human life. I know it is your choice entirely but I would have the baby.
In fact I would beg you to have the baby. Especially as you sound well supported. It will bring you such joy.
Also, what would happen if in the future you found that you couldn't have more. You would be so sorry.
There will be loads on MN who have had abortions and will say it made no difference to them, but for me I just couldn't.
So that's my answer.

BlandandInsipid · 08/01/2015 20:09

Definitely keep the baby. It is going to be really, really hard at times, sure, re; working, socialising, travelling, you will have to make compromises but it is all worth it.
I think you know that you do want this baby as
A) You've had to ask.( I had an abortion and never was there a single doubt I my mind it was the right thing to do)
B) You got pregnant in the first place. Most forms of contraception are 99.9% effective. Genuine 'accidents' amongst women who don't want a baby are rare as rocking horse shit.
I don't know any woman who has regretted having her baby, but plenty who have regretted abortions.
Hth

seaoflove · 08/01/2015 20:15

It's not my place to persuade you one way or another (and it would be wrong of me to try) but how would you feel if you had a miscarriage tomorrow? Sad or relieved?

Bland is talking nonsense btw.

Loveneverfails · 08/01/2015 20:30

my friend was in your boat and terminated.

she regretted it.

they went on to have 3 more kids and they never stop mourning their 'first'. never.

I know you wont, but dont act in haste.

Thurlow · 08/01/2015 20:45

Firstly, please ignore any judgemental posts. There are people here who want to help and talk rationally.

There's nothing wrong with deciding that it's the wrong time to start a family. But you do need to be certain about it. Your post is... Ambivalent, I'd say. You sound as though you think it's the wrong time on paper, not as much in your gut.

I have kept an unplanned pregnancy, and I have also terminated one. All I can honestly say is that both times I just had a gut instinct that that decision was the right one at that time.

No one can say to what extent you'll be able to run a business or travel after you've had a child, so it's sadly impossible to talk about how that part of your life will be.

PP are right. You need to try and imagine how you will feel if you were going for a termination tomorrow, and also how you'd feel if tomorrow was the first day of keeping a pregnancy.

Neither decision is right or wrong, it's just what you feel is the best decision at that point of your life. Fwiw, I terminated for reasons other people might see as convenience. Many women do - and it's ok. But equally, life doesn't always go to our plans.

Good luck, and keep talking if.you want to

HolyTerror · 08/01/2015 20:45

Bland is talking utter nonsense.

Pheasant, please don't let yourself be swayed by anyone else's views. I assume you're posting here in order to try to work out what you yourself want in an unexpected predicament. You can choose to terminate or to continue with the pregnancy - both are entirely valid options - and you have time to mull it over before deciding.

You didn't ask to be told what to do, but partly because the majority of previous posters have no compunction at telling you you should continue the pregnancy, I will say that I think you should not dismiss the importance of your ambitions and your career, and the significance of the undoubted impact that having an unplanned child would have on your professional life. These things are not negligible when you are weighing up your options. There is nothing unacceptable about terminating a pregnancy because the time isn't right. Also that pregnancy termination doesn't necessarily involve regret.

Thinking about whether you would feel regret or relief if you miscarried may be useful, as a pp said.

Feel supported either way.

PeachOwl · 08/01/2015 20:55

I have had a termination and asked on Mumsnet for advice. Hmm It was also a genuine contraceptive failure. I don't regret it now (i have other children and considered them all 'scraps of tissue' or potential babies at that stage) as it was the right choice for me.

In your position (with my first pregnancy) dh and I talked about whether we wanted children at some point (ie was it right thing wrong time or just all wrong), could we afford it now, and we wrote a list of pros and cons to try to work out what our worries and options were.

It's ok if you don't want a baby now (or at all) and want to wait. I would advise you to write down the pros and cons and take it from there. You have time to decide either way. Please don't listen to any advice like no one regrets having children but do regret abortions, that's nonsense. As is the opinion that if you aren't 100% sure about a termination then you don't want one. I didn't want mine at the tine but had it for medical reasons (mine not the foetus') and it was definitely the right choice and one I would hand on heart make again. I hope that is helpful. Flowers

holeinmyheart · 09/01/2015 08:44

I had had two mis-carriages and I mourn for those babies still.
My best friend was forced into having an abortion by her husband, as the time wasn't right for him and his career.
We sometimes talk about it and it always ends up with both of us feeling very sad, What a absolute B he was. She is so sorry now but she was young. They are now divorced , OW scenario !

I don't think my opinion will pressurise you and I don't think that I am being judgemental. How can I be? because I had loads of sex before I was married and I could have easily beicome accidentally pregnant.

I am a lot older than you though, and although I know the experiences of older women sometimes dont count much on MN,( scorn is often poured on DM and MILs ideas) but I know from experience, that you will regret terminating this baby.
I think those of us who have lost babies have a greater understanding of how you might feel in the future.
Best of luck as it is quite a dilemma.

Jackiebrambles · 09/01/2015 08:51

From what you have said you are in a really good position to have this baby - loving relationship, loving family who would help etc, money ok - it doesn't get too much better than that!

But you are young and have plenty of time to have a family in the future so if the time feels wrong to you then maybe a termination is the best decision. You don't want to feel resentful of the baby.

By the way, I know loads of couples who are still very active and travel loads with young babies. My son is not yet two and we've been abroad with him 5 times already! Kids travel well as they are small :)
Yes you can't be as spontaneous as you need to think about them too but its all totally doable.

How does your BF feel about it? Keep talking to him too.

sebsmummy1 · 09/01/2015 08:57

I don't think there is the perfect answer to this I'm afraid and strangers on the internet are not the best people to sway your decision as we each have our own agendas.

Why not start the process for abortion and see where you end up. Least the wheels will be in motion and you can back out at any time, many do.

Good luck x

MorrisZapp · 09/01/2015 09:00

In your OP you don't say how you and your DP feel about this pregnancy? Or whether or not you want to have children.

Most of the above posts are pro-life propaganda in my opinion but I guess we all have a right to say how we feel. I'm pretty disgusted though that somebody would say you will definitely regret this because I feel sad about my miscarriages. That is so so not what the OP is asking.

I've never understood the urge so many women have to encourage others to have babies. The planet is already over populated, and babies come with huge responsibilities that can upend a life. I hated having a baby, it took me years to come to terms with the loss of my freedom, and I absolutely do not regret the termination I had in my twenties. We're not all the same.

dragonfly007 · 09/01/2015 09:01

I put off having children as I wanted a career, to travel to feel and enjoy life. When the came to settle and I wanted a child it took 6 flipping hard years to achieve the dream, the travelling became boring, interest in the career was secondary and as i changed jobs to reduce stress to assist me conceiving in the first place. I am now an older mum, I have a lowly paid job and with the benefit of hindsight, wished I tried for a baby earlier. I am sure I would have been healthier, more energetic and enjoyed having a little one to enjoy the adventure of life! As it is, life is better for me with a child Smile

livegoldrings · 09/01/2015 09:03

Just so you know I don't really agree with terminations but I wouldn't normally comment about them. However in your case, OP I would say that there is never going to be a perfect time to have a baby financially and careerwise and so on. If you wait 10 years will things really be better suited to having a baby? Maybe but who knows. I think its better to look for ways to make the baby fit into your life now.

NotEntirelyWhelmed · 09/01/2015 09:06

I had two terminations when I was younger (although I was older than you are now). Never regretted either. Having a baby just wasn't remotely an option.

The same partner and I went on to have two planned children. Had we not terminated all those years ago we would not have our amazing children and I wouldn't be earning nearly as much money and have a mortgage. It sounds shallow to compare potential babies with material comforts, but having my children older and when I chose to have them worked for me.

You are very young and there's plenty of time. Whatever you choose will be the right thing because there are lots of good things ahead of you regardless of how the cards fall this time.

zippey · 09/01/2015 09:13

There isn't a right or wrong answer and whatever you decide, there will always be regrets.

If you keep the baby, you will always wonder what life would have been like without the worry and sleepless nights. If you abort, you will always wonder about the life you may have brought into the world.

Do what you think is right. If you aren't sure about timings, and you both agree, I would err on the side of termination. You both sound a bit young, with plans ahead and not ready to settle down. It might even give you the kick start to make concrete plans on travelling etc.

LongDistanceLove · 09/01/2015 09:13

You will get fantastic advice, but it will be hidden by the judgemental emotive stuff.

I think you need some form of counselling, impartial counselling. You can consider every view point of everyone, but the decision falls with you.

Good luck op, Flowers

MorrisZapp · 09/01/2015 09:28

I had a termination and I have no regrets at all. Nor do I ever think about what would have happened to that life.

Thurlow · 09/01/2015 09:30

I know from experience, that you will regret terminating this baby

No one can say this with any certainty. It would be like me advising someone that you'll never regret having a termination because I personally have never regretted mine.

It is, quite frankly, bullshit to say something like that.

A PP has a sensible idea in some ways - talking to your GP, Marie Stopes, BPAS etc might help you work out where you stand on this on an emotional rather than a practical front.

notasleep · 09/01/2015 10:11

I agree with the poster who recommended that you get the termination process started, as it can take a few weeks and this will buy you some time and also mean that you could access their counselling services.

I'm surprised by some of the responses you've had. Not helpful... Fwiw, I had a termination at 19 which I regret BUT I was single andheavily pressured into it by parents so totally different scenario.
I know many women who have had terminations in their 20s with no regrets at all,just wasn't the right time for them.

notasleep · 09/01/2015 10:12

Whoever said contraception is 99.9% effective is talking nonsense btw. Hmm

GlitzAndGigglesx · 09/01/2015 10:20

I agree with talking to your GP. My friend was in your shoes 2 years ago minus running her own business. Her and her dp were planning to travel but children was something they both wanted in the future. Her GP reminded her that conception isn't always easy and pregnancies don't always go the way you hope. She now has a bubbly little nearly 3yo. If you want honesty I think you should keep the baby. It's great too that you both have loving supporting families

differentnameforthis · 09/01/2015 10:35

I don't know any woman who has regretted having her baby, but plenty who have regretted abortions.

Can we stop saying this please. Women DO regret having babies.

They just don't talk about it.
So we think it doesn't happen.

but it does.

differentnameforthis · 09/01/2015 10:40

I know from experience, that you will regret terminating this baby

This is bullshit, btw op. I know several women who have not regretted a termination. I am one of them.

Chaseface · 09/01/2015 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tranquilitybaby · 09/01/2015 12:59

You need time to digest this, it's no doubt come as a huge shock.

Life doesn't come to a halt when you have a baby though, it's certaubly different but no less rewarding, in fact I'd say it's more so.

Ultimately though, together you just decide and it doesn't matter what anyone else says or thinks.