Ummm... is it always that bad???

[legallyblond]

Perhaps this is going to be insensitive, but it has got me really scared!!

I have been reading the other thread on here about the midwife shrieking over awful, infected epistiostomy that is not healing and the husband is inspecting the mucus coming out of the wife's open wound etc etc.

What!!!!????

I am 28 weeks pregnant. I may be totally and utterly naive (and its too late now anyway, this baby is coming out somehow! ), but is that normal after giving birth?

1. Is that level of damage normal/to be expected? I had anticipated a cut or a tear if unlucky, but vagina to rectum cut not stiched up properly and now terribly infected... How common is this? Honestly. No-one tells you this!

1. Are husbands normally this involved during and after the birth? Do they have to be? Can't the midwife or nurse or whoever is cleaning up the mess [gulp] see me in private??? Will I need DH's help to go to the loo???!!! [double gulp] Does he have to inspect my wounds etc...?

Obviously I want the lady's husband in the other post to get plenty of support and its fine for him to post. But in all seriousness, my heart is pounding in terror after reading it all.....

And I assume there is nothing anyone can do to determine whether its going to happen like that with that kind of damage, or prevent damage, right? Or is there?

1. No that level of damage is really really unusual, I had an episiotomy with my first, it was painless and healed beautifully. Out of many many friends over my 10 years of child rearing only one has had problems with a big tear and that was nothing like the scenario described. (Although I may recomend taking your fist few pees in the shower as it can be a bit sore, and lavender oil in your bath water is a good healer)

1. Good god no, husbands are not remotely as involved as that bloke, bless him but he sounds like he has real control issues. Make sure your DP knows where everything is at home and how to make a good cup of tea, take up station on the bed or sofa and bond with your baby and let him do the cooking and cleaning. (and keep him out of the room when the midwife comes, it's your business.)

I think the other chap has some issues and would probably best getting back to whatever highpowered job has where he can be in control there and leave his poor wife and the health professionals alone. (would dearly like to post on the thread, but I dont have the heart to be mean to a first time dad, it makes everyone mildly insane in their own way)

Congratulations, look forward to it. You are about to enter into the hardest and most rewarding job in the world and it will be brilliant!

Don't worry, I think that poor woman is a very extreme and unlucky case (ime).

I did have stitches and they were painful, but healed perfectly with no infection.

It's completely up to you if you want to get your DH involved. Mine certainly wasn't, I somehow managed alone...

(Not that he was champing at the bit waiting to be asked!).

no it's not and husbands do as much or as little as they are able and based on how much the woman doing the pushing wants them to do!

I threw up on my husband.

Which was fair enough, I think.

Thank you LegallyBlond for bringing up that post. As much as I agree, the husband deserves support, and I really, really, really feel for his wife - I really found it difficult to forget the post (this is my first pregnancy) and it upset me - the level of detail and full-on-ness even of the header was perhaps too much and it's upsetting, especially if you've not yet experienced childbirth.

Ok... this is a bit reassuring. Thanks.

I just had visions of being reduced to some sort of bleeding wreck who has no privacy any more. My DH would pass out if he had to be involved in post-birth stitching and cleaning and peeing and pooing. Our relationship just is not like that. I know he'll see plenty of gore (yes, and poo and wee I guess) at the birth, but I am kinda hoping he'll just blank that when he sees (I hope) our lovely baby.... I really do not intend to involve him in my post-birth care "down there". I thought that would be normal...

I was just getting totally freaked out by that other thread...

i didnt even tear...read ina mays guide to childbirth if you can,
and do some perianal massage before and during labour,
whatever might help, right!!!

my husband stayed up the top end both times - he didn't want to go down the business end and I didn't want him to.

Oh hang on, I remember him talking the other day about cutting ds2s cord. I have no memory at all of him doing that.

My second birth was really easy. The lad just popped straight out. No stitches, no nothing. - and he was 10lb5oz!

Gas & air is fantastic. I'd break into hospital to steal some if I could

(gas & air is probably the reason I don't remember Himself cutting the cord )

It's uncommon. I've had three, and I've known many many women to have babies, over the past ten years, and I've never heard of anything that extreme before.

I had an episiotomy, it healed with no problems. In fact, that was far less painful than the grazes I suffered with the other two. Which really were only painful for a few days.

Wouldn't say it was a bundle of laughs, but it's okay. Really. Usually.

To be honest, it is best not to read threads like that if you are pregnant (er, I did though). Yes, it might happen to you, but it is far more likely NOT too. I did a hypnobirthing course before my last birth (still had a c-section, but the techniques did help and DH was fantastic at it), and I think we will do another course this time - and part of it is about avoiding negative birth stories and images, and focusing on the positive. I went into labour feeling confident and not very scared. More than I can say at the moment, but definitely a better way to be, so perhaps look into hypnobirthing. And read Ina May Gaskin.

I know DomesticGoddess - I know I should not have read it! But just the title was scary enough!! And its in "pregnancy", not "childirth"...

My mother tells me to remember that our bodies are built to give birth. If I were in a coma, my body would still know how to give birth and would do its thing....

Bloody hell, it's not generalyl anything like that dramatic.

Mine was fairly dramatic and even that was a walk in the park compared to what he's describing.

Don't panic, repeat this mantra for the next 3 months, I am going to have a 45 minute pain free labour, I will glow and feel like a goddess.

You're unlikely to but honestly you can't spend the next 12 weeks in a panic about the actual birth. I would seriously advise you not to start looking for a hairdryer with a cool setting, you're unlikely to need that either...

DOn't worry, I think that was a pretty extreme case. And seems to be improving in any case. I has a perfectly routine episiotomy that healed normally but felt a bit weird and 'tuggy' in the first couple of weeks (I had nothing to compare it with, after all!) and I was rolling over and showing it to any MW who passed my way because I was paranoid it was opening/infected! I did ask DH to check it too (or hold a mirror for me) but he certainly wasn't muscling in there.

TBH, I think the DH on the other thread has some issues about the whole thing, and about losing control of the situation. You can certainly see a nurse or MW in private without involving your DH, anyway.

Jolly good OP, I'm glad it wasn't just me feeling that way! I'm nearly 37 wks and keep telling myself that just like Ina May says, my body knows what it is doing so I just have to trust it and the midwives and all will be fine!

DH is staying at the head end (he agrees) and I have no desire to let him 'fiddle' with anything down that end. (If you know what I mean!)

I gave birth 9 weeks ago. I hadn't even considered what my body would be like after I gave birth.

I had a 2nd degree tear which was stitched whilst I was holding my DD. My husband was at the top end whilst this was going on (and taking first pics of baby). It was sore for the first week and gradually got better. I bathed with lavender oil, took arnica tablets and dried my stitches with a hairdryer.

This is easy for me to say, as my first child is here but try not get hung up on a particular birth/what might happen as you are not in control. Your body automatically knows what to do. All you can control is how to deal with the contractions (if you want drugs, what type of drugs).

I used to make DH check my stitches as I was too squeamish to!

As other posters have said, that is a very very extreme case.

I'll add my experience to the thread as hopefully it'll reassure you...my DS was 9lb 6oz, his shoulders got stuck and the MW nad to put both hands up there to physically turn his shoulders, but I still only had a small tear. Needed 2 or 3 stitches, healed in a week or two, no real pain or discomfort afterwards.

I'll also echo the suggestion to read Ina May

Hi, I had a 'nick' as it was described, not even a tear. I used an 'Epi-no' to help stretch the area. I just couldn't follow NCT advice and have my DH do the perineal massage (given that I couldn't reach to do it myself). No idea if that was what helped or if I'm just particularly elastic in that area, but I'm going to use it again this time. No one I know has had that level of bad luck with cuts either, this is a 1 in a zillion horror story.

Advice to bathe in lavender oil is good. Also I used to take a sports cap water bottle to the loo with me and basically weed and squirted the water at the same time. Or use a bidet if you have one!

DH was head end at birth too and was kept well away from the business end for some time after, poor boy! It took me a few days to get the courage to look with a mirror, which was a good thing to do as it all looked pretty normal, so helped me start to recover a sense of my body.

OP - THat case is really very extreme. I had a second degree tear when I had DS (DP WAS at the business end so he said he even saw the moment I tore, but he's a clinical minded person at all times, so it didn't faze him in the slightest)

It was a bit sore for a few days, (a good tip is to pour water over your bits when you wee - reduces the sting) but not agonising.
I agree with a lot of the advice the DH on that thread was given - back off, support your wife. I think he was a bit ott (although obviously should not be denied support on here) When the mw checked my stitches at home, DP politely left the room - probably because there was no need for him to be there, the midwife knows what she's doing after all.

I didn't need DP to help me go to the loo - I did appreciate his help getting in and out of the bath though.
Best tip I can give is try to relax, don't panic. Panic triggers hormones that slow labour down, so when you're contracting take slow deep breaths, listen to soothing music/whatever chills you out, and let your body do what it does naturally

I tore (and later got infected stitches) but it was nothing like the horror scenario described in the other post; it was a far more mundance affair. Even I didn't panic, let alone dh. He was present throughout but it was more about offering comfort, and then cups of tea and cuddling the baby afterwards. You'd have to very unlucky to end up in a scenario like that other one (and even then I would like to think that my dh would have kept a bit calmer).

Also had an emergency caesarian- again a fairly laidback affair.

I would like to suggest that thread gets moved to Childbirth where it might be more appropriate

I cried last night after reading it and wished I hadn't. I was sure that I probably wasn't the only person to affected.

I thought it was the norm for horrific post-birth stories not to be posted in the pregnancy forum where they can unnecessarily upset and frighten first time mothers-to-be?

How do I ask for a thread to be moved?

Use the report button.

I am about to give birth for the second time. After my first baby all I had was a small tear which didn't need stitching and healed up naturally and quickly with no lasting effects (can't even remember where it was now!]. So don't worry, not everyone tears, giving birth in water helps and also perineal massage (google it for more details] before the birth.

I actually felt torn about that thread (sorry, pun unintended). First terribly upset on behalf of the OP and his wife, and then (reaction setting in) thinking to myself, but hang on, you've been in situations that were far worse than that and the only reason you got through was because your dh was not screaming like a banshee, but thinking more about comforting you.

I know one person who had problems with her stitches, and had to have them redone a few months down the line, also had to have antibiotics, but it was NOTHING like that thread sounds.
I had a tiny tear and a graze, no stitches, was still incredibly stingy sore when I peed for a number of days after though - when you pee pour a jug of water over yourself at the same time, it waters down your urine and stops it stinging so much.

I suppose my tear + episiotomy scars must have been a bit bad: GP told me when I went for the 6 weeks check up that my top priority must be to go into hospital and have them re-stitched "as the best gift you can give your little girl is a father".
Thank you Dr O, that's a real confidence booster

Oh well, I ignored her, 13 years later dh is still here, and we have had another one, so whatever I'm like down below it can't have been totally off-putting.