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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

does anyone ever regret finding out the sex?

71 replies

lelarose · 09/06/2010 13:56

I am tempted to find out my baby's sex but have given into what my partner and various others, including the sonographer keep telling me about having a surprise, particularly as its my first.

Its starting to bug me now though for various reasons and I'm wondering if anyone ever feels or has felt that knowing the sex in advance was any kind of a let down or regretted in in any way?

OP posts:

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sassy34264 · 09/06/2010 18:23

It is just a personal preference. It's not a case of one way being the right way and the other being wrong. For everyone who thinks it's better in the delivery room to find out the sex rather than at 20 weeks, there is someone who will think it makes no difference.

The question i'm wondering is why some people believe so strongly that it is wrong not to think their way?????

LadyintheRadiator · 09/06/2010 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KnitterNotTwitter · 09/06/2010 20:53

We weren't going to find out with DS1 but decided to at the last minute as DH was being an PITA and refusing to discuss girls names as he was convinced it was a boy. I was sure it was a girl so was getting very annoyed. So we found out. It was a boy. This gave DH 17 weeks to be all smug before the baby was born. I don't think I could have dealt with the smugness in the delivery room .

We're now pregnant with DC2 (7 weeks) and are definitely going to find out the sex at the 23 week scan.

FWIW we were the only ones in my NCT group to find out. For me somehow it seemed the 'surprise' of the sex got lost in the 'surprise' of the birth/name/weight announcement and I like my surprises spread out rather than all at once.

My best friend from school was going to find out but at the last minute her DH couldn't go to the scan. As they wanted to find out together they got the sonographer to write it down and put it in an envelope so they could open it together. In the end they didn't opened the envelope - and still haven't!!

Emster30 · 09/06/2010 22:35

We didn't find out - am currently 33.5 weeks pg. I would have quite liked to know for some of the reasons given above - it would have been some nice news to break up the boring long slog in the middle of pregnancy, and also it would be good not to have to say 'he/she' etc all the time! But my DH was adamant that he wanted to be able to tell people 'it's a boy' rather than 'she's arrived' or whatever. I think I'm quite glad we didn't find out as it does mean we have to make more of an effort to buy stuff that isn't either pink or blue, which I would rather avoid if I can(though it's amazing how many things only come in those colours!).

skidoodly · 09/06/2010 23:07

"I just don't get it - they should just be focusing on me and DCs being safe and gender being unknown shouldn't make the arrival of their GC, niece or nephew a "better" experience."

Why should they be focusing on you being safe?

It's no more your place to tell them how they should feel about the arrival of a new niece or nephew than it is theirs to tell you whether or not you should find out which it is.

Athrawes · 09/06/2010 23:21

We found out (currently 36 weeks) and have enjoyed knowing. It has helped my DH bond with the bump and get his head around the idea - mum carries the baby all that time but dad just watches - it has helped him start to envisage life with his son and imagine good stuff rather than just sleepness nights and nappy horrors. Also, because we are overseas it has helped friends and family bond too and enabled them to buy gifts (yeah they could have bought gender neutral but often people like buying for a boy/girl). The only person who has disapproved is stepMIL - and I don't care!

mummy2t · 09/06/2010 23:37

i do not regret finding out the sex of my last dc, just regret telling everyone.
i had 2 ds and found out i was expecting a dd. everyone presumed that " now we were getting what we had been trying for we wouldnt have anymore" just made me feel like everyone thought we had ds2 just to get to dd1. people assume they know everything about you when it comes to pregnancy and babies!!! if you want to know find out and keep it to yourself, i know easier said than done!!

thedogwalker · 10/06/2010 10:41

I found out on my 20 week scan and I am really happy to know that I am having a DS, due in 10 weeks. Since knowing, my DS has a name and I talk to him all the time referring to him by his name.

This is just a personal bonding thing that I like and I think you should never regret anything you do, so lelarose, just do whatever you feel comfortable with. Enjoy your pregnancy and good luck.

ComedyOfErrors · 10/06/2010 11:07

I have two dds, 2 and 4, and could hardly wait for my 20 week scans in order to find out the sex in advance. Each time, once I knew I was expecting a girl, I loved the feeling of being able to "bond" with my daughters before they were born.

I have a friend who hadn't decided whether she wanted to know by the time she got to her 20 week scan, so asked the sonographer to write it down and put it in an envelope for her to open at a later date if she chose to.

Oh and another friend was told - at the scan - she was having a boy and actually gave birth to a girl..

Good luck with the pregnancy

Original poster

lelarose · 12/06/2010 16:22

Does anyone have experience of the sonographers getting the sex wrong though?

OP posts:

MrsC2010 · 12/06/2010 20:03

We're having our first ( a girl) and we're happy we found out the sex, don't regret it for a second. We like being able to call her a her, and it was so exciting finding out.

But the husband has suggested not finding out for our next one (hold your horses love, let's get this one out first! !) so it is a surprise, just for the change really. I don't mind either way.

Beveridge · 12/06/2010 20:45

The sonographers in our health authority won't tell you the gender. As it's not a 'shall we/shan't we' while you're in for the 20 week scan, I think it removes the temptation and because you have to go to the effort and expense of booking (and paying!) for a private scan, then it's only those who have a burning desire to find out who do it, so less chance of regrets I would presume.

I thought that they didn't tell you because they had been sued for getting it wrong in the past but apparently it's because they found that some people would invent reasons to try and wangle an extra scan after the 20 week one (e.g. claiming to be bleeding) to 'make sure' the baby was 'still a boy/girl'.

Unfortunately it's more common than you would think and they have found that since the stopped scanning for gender, it's saved an awful lot of NHS time and resources.My friend's a sonographer and they are currently debating whether to start offering gender scans again but it's unlikely because they are a very busy department as it is.

Lelarose, I think the accuracy rate is officially 60% but i don't know of anyone who has personal experience of them getting it wrong.

FWIW, we didn't find out the gender though I did convince myself(and everybody else, including DH) that I was having a boy and on the day found out I was ....wrong!

I think it definitely added to the whole experience for us as it was a huge surprise, though I did keep referring to DD as "he"(slip of the tongue after so long!)in the postnatal ward, prompting one of the MWs to check that I did really know and understand that DD was a girl...which was quite amusing!

BabyValentine · 12/06/2010 20:58

I didn't find out, and didn't regret it at all. IMHO, it gave the birth a little bit of extra excitement (not that it needs it, of course!).

During the pregnancy, we alternated 'he' and 'she' weeks. I enjoyed the 'well, I think you're having..' debates. I do understand the opinion that an announcement is a bit more exciting when the sex is unknown, but obviously you can't base your judgement on how I/your mother/next-door neighbour would prefer to hear your news! Each to their own.

seasister · 12/06/2010 21:24

Actually I believe some health authorities won't tell the gender because of the cultural demographics in some areas - if there's a large population where girls are not as welcome as boys, for example...if you get my giste. I know this is definitely the case where my parents live. I imagine they fear terminations

beccas · 12/06/2010 22:05

They can actually tell the sex at the 12 week scan! But its not as accurate.
The 20 week scan is very accurate.
They would never tell you the sex at 12 weeks, and yes its a cultural thing in inner city hospitals that they will not tell you the sex.

PS We didn't find out for either, but my DD wants a sister, so if its a boy, (baby coming by ELCS on Thur) knowing would have been useful to help prepare her young mind.

Wholelottalove · 12/06/2010 22:26

We found out with DD. I had said I didn't want to but DH was keen to find out and by the 20 week scan I was also keen to find out to break up the pregnancy which I was finding hard going. I don't regret finding out with DD. I had a strong feeling she was a girl in any case.

This time round, I don't want to find out (but may change my mind again closer the the scan!) I don't mind what the sex is and I haven't had any odd 'premonition' type dreams like I did with DD. Weirdly though, I've had a comment from my sister along the lines of 'OMG I can't believe you're going to be so selfish and make us all wait to find out'

Just feels nice to do it slightly differently for a different child.

Not sure if it will matter to DD one way or the other. She'll be 2.8 when baby arrives and we haven't told her yet.

yummycrumpet · 12/06/2010 22:39

I didn't want to know with my first pregnancy and never regretted not finding out, but with my second things didn't seem "real" to me if you know what I mean even though I had the movements and the bump I didn't feel connected with it so I found out the sex- Its was the best decision as it brought things into focus and helped me through the pregnancy.

So I think you should do what you feel is right for you at the time- sod the opinions of everyone else it's your pregnancy not anyone elses so dont worry about how anyone else feels about knowing [selfish bitch emoticon]

LittleBeth53 · 13/06/2010 00:29

I never intended to find out but when I had my 20 week scan, the first thing we saw on the monitor was my baby facing crotch forward with his legs spread wide open with his wee wee stuck right up in the air! The sonographer didn't have to say a word, there was no mistaking it - a boy! Hahaha. So I guess the surprise would have been nice but I don't mind knowing, especially considering as how he chose to tell us all himself! It certainly makes choosing a name & buying clothes & furniture easy.

lovechoc · 13/06/2010 14:28

didn't find out with the first but found out with the second and have no regrets on both accounts. first time made no odds because we had nothing to compare it with - it was going to be a new experience boy or girl. Second time we wanted to know for practical reasons and to explain to DS that he's getting a little brother, so was easier to prepare him for the days ahead.

I think it's nice either way - knowing or not knowing, having experienced it both ways now.

ReshapeWhileDamp · 13/06/2010 20:29

We definitely wanted to find out the first time - I thought it would help me bond more. I know not everyone feels this way, but I did, and we were happy knowing. DS obliged with some very graphic poses - one of them was so definite (during a later dating scan) that the sonographer was rather tickled and printed out a close-up of his willy! It looked like a little apple (balls) with a leaf protruding. We were told at 20 wks and at the later scan that they were as sure as they could be.

This time round, I'm more ambivalent. DH still wants to find out though, and obviously it's something we have to agree on - it would be absurd for him to know and me not to.

mrswill · 13/06/2010 20:39

I found out with my first.

I really wanted a girl, and had a strong feeling it was a girl anyway, so found out at the 20 week scan. Ive sort of regretted it ever since, as it wasnt as exciting when DD was born as we already knew iykwim. If I ever have another I wont be finding out.

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