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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

does anyone ever regret finding out the sex?

71 replies

lelarose · 09/06/2010 13:56

I am tempted to find out my baby's sex but have given into what my partner and various others, including the sonographer keep telling me about having a surprise, particularly as its my first.

Its starting to bug me now though for various reasons and I'm wondering if anyone ever feels or has felt that knowing the sex in advance was any kind of a let down or regretted in in any way?

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LaDiDaDi · 09/06/2010 15:22

I found out with both and definitely didn't regret it.

We wanted to know with dd (and had both thought she was a boy before the scan) and then with ds we wanted to be able to tell dd that she was having a brother, particularly important we felt as we knew that she wanted a sister so it was good to get her disappointment over with at 20 weeks.

withorwithoutyou · 09/06/2010 15:23

Kodak, I said I regretted not finding out the sex, a few posts before you said you'd never heard anyone say that!

ooosabeauta · 09/06/2010 15:23

(Of course I mean it would be enough this time as well, without the additional reason for finding out because of a preference.)

ShowOfHands · 09/06/2010 15:23

'It's so much more exciting to ring family and friends after saying..."

It's opinion though isn't it. We didn't tell family what we were having so it was a surprise for them. They didn't want to know.

It is not better or more exciting either way. It's personal preference.

elportodelgato · 09/06/2010 15:24

oosabeauta, I can't believe people are so openly weird about you knowing the gender! I thought the majority find out these days. Is it mainly old folk who are superstitious? My mum still can't really understand the whole business of having scans at all as they were very new-fangled when she had me in the 70s. I told her 'oh they test for abnormalities at the 12week scan' and she just looked confused...

ooosabeauta · 09/06/2010 15:28

Yes, the mum I weas talking to isn't that old really, about 60 probably. My aunt (67, a retired midwife) is also very anti-finding out because she says you need the surprise to keep you going through the labour

sassy34264 · 09/06/2010 15:31

A lot of defensiveness from the people who want to find out.

Re-read the comments and can't see that anyone thinks they are superior because they wait. They have just expressed an opinion that they think it makes labour better. Just the same as all those that have expressed the opinion that finding out is better.

Too many pregnancy hormones on an obviously touchy subject i think!

KodakTheBat · 09/06/2010 15:31

withorwithoutyou - I meant in RL
ShowofHands - It's my opinion that it is more exciting

Booboobedoo · 09/06/2010 15:35

But what could be more exciting than meeting your child for the first time?

When DS was born I cared not one jot what his gender was - just that he was so perfect.

It meant more to me when I was pregnant, so that's when I found out.

As for phoning people and telling them, I left that to DH. Too knackered.

As ShowOfHands says, it's all utterly subjective and not something to judge others on.

ShowOfHands · 09/06/2010 15:35

Oh yes I know. Was just clarifying that your own opinion is what matters. My inlaws in particular said that we weren't to find out as they didn't want to know and we should make it more exciting by ringing and announcing. Well that's what they wanted. I found out and didn't tell them.

rainbowdays · 09/06/2010 15:40

I did not find out with my first and regretted it afterwards.

With my second and third I found out and loved the bonding it provided during pregnancy. It really helped with being able to talk about the baby with gender with the siblings too. If I have another baby I would definitely find out again.

My SIL is due her third boy any day now and I for one will be just as excited hearing that he has arrived. Idoes not make any difference to us knowing that he is a boy in advance. I am looking forward to hearing that he has been born.

PlumBumMum · 09/06/2010 15:46

I found out with dc2 but still thought of girls names, didn't buy anything blue until he was born because they can get it wrong,

so tbh it didn't take away from it with me because we didn't take it as a definite

with dc3 we didn't find out but 20 mins before she was born I said this is definitely a girl I just knew, and she was!

dc1 we didn't find out and I must say I was shocked that she was a girl although both dh & I had said we thought she was

TBH the bigger shocker for me was all my babies were born with full head of jet black hair, wasn't expecting that at all

MrsTittleMouse · 09/06/2010 16:22

sassy - I was talking about my RL experience when I made my comment about moral superiority. We've have several friends who have hinted that they have more willpower because they wait.

I couldn't care less what anyone else does - just as long as they don't go on about what we've done!

chipmonkey · 09/06/2010 16:49

I regretted finding out with ds4 because I was very disappointed at never getting a dd. I was very hormonal as well, it has to be said, which really didn't help. When he was born, I took one look at him and fell in love which was much, much easier to do with a cuddly baby than with a cold picture on a screen.

megonthemoon · 09/06/2010 17:05

Anyone who is less excited about the safe arrival of a baby because they knew beforehand that it was a boy or girl than if they didn't really had their priorities wrong. I can't believe anyone thinks the arrival of a baby is better news when you didn't know before . If the baby has arrived safely then how can anything else top that?

It is a surprise whenever you find out, it's just that some people (like me) choose to find out during pregnancy when things are a bit dull and it feels like a long slog to the arrival of the baby. It was still a surprise to be told that DC1 was a boy and DC2 is likely to be a girl.

And I didn't do it for gender stereotyping the bedroom. DS wears pink, amongst many other colours, if he wants, and has a brightly coloured but completely gender-neutral bedroom. DD's bedroom decor was all picked out before we knew that she is likely to be a DD.

We just wanted to know something about our babies halfway through pregnancy. That is no better or worse than finding out at the birth, but lots of people who wait have told me how I've ruined it for myself... So bloody judgmental!

Plus personally one reason to find out was I hate using or hearing the word "it" or something twee like button/bump/poppet/tigger to refer to a baby in utero. So I wanted to know whether to refer to him or her for my own DCs. It also helped in labour saying to myself "come on meg, you're going to see him soon" - felt so much more personal, and human, than "you're going to see it soon"

So no, I haven't regretted it and neither has DH.

SacharissaCripslock · 09/06/2010 17:08

Don't you dare say that people have their priorities wrong just because they personally found it more exciting to wait until birth to find out the sex of their child. How bloody rude. My DS2 was stillborn and I don't need anyone patronising me telling me that the safe arrival of a baby is the most important thing.

megonthemoon · 09/06/2010 17:17

sacharissa - I am truly sorry about your DS2, and very sorry if I have offended you . But I do have every right to say what I said and it isn't rude to say it just because somebody on here has suffered a sad loss.

I read on here that "it is so much more exciting to hear at the birth rather than beforehand" and I truly don't understand that at all. I am just excited when somebody's baby has arrived safely, especially as I have received the news of a stillbirth before. Whether it is a boy or girl, what it is called, how much it weighs, who it looks like are all much less important than that. So whether someone finds out one of the details before or after should not make a blind bit of difference to how happy people are to hear of the arrival of the child.

Like I said, I apologise to you and I did not intend to patronise anyone in your position, but I do still hold my view.

SacharissaCripslock · 09/06/2010 17:21

You are reading that it is so much more exciting FOR THEM. Not that anyone thinks that everyone should do it that way as it's better.

You are free to hold whatever views you wish just don't tell people they have their priorities wrong just because they don't have that same opinion. It IS rude.

megonthemoon · 09/06/2010 17:47

I have heard it IRL, although I did omit to mention that, so when I see anything like that it gets my goat (sorry!). For example my parents and my sister-in-law have said that it is more exciting for them to wait until my DCs arrive to find out and that knowing before would ruin it for them. I just don't get it - they should just be focusing on me and DCs being safe and gender being unknown shouldn't make the arrival of their GC, niece or nephew a "better" experience. I think these people do have their priorities wrong. But we are nice so haven't told them so they get the surprise later when they want it.

Anyway, I don't think I'm rude, you think I am. Shall we agree to differ, so lelarose can carry on getting views on this? I probably should remember this is not in AIBU, but I do feel quite strongly about this (as you clearly do too )

SuzieHomemaker · 09/06/2010 17:51

We didnt find out for first - no regrets, did for second because it was completely obvious during the scan to the point where the songrapher refered to DC as him! Couldnt keep it secret from family as scan photo had him in glorious profile!

Found out for third as she was a surprise in herself and we wanted to know which clothes to keep.

For all three it was the name which we kept secret as we felt once DC was born we could say 'DC has arrived and he/she is called xxx'. This stopped people saying (at least to us) that they didnt like the names we had chosen - they were all a little unusual.

IMO to find out or not is a personal choice and not to be dictated by others.

SacharissaCripslock · 09/06/2010 17:52

Of course their main priority is the safe arrivial! I think you are insulting your family to suggest otherwise. They are saying for them it is better to know when the baby is born and not at the 20 week scan, just a preference not an insult!

Yes, lets agree to disagree, no way are we going to see things from the same side.

Original poster

lelarose · 09/06/2010 17:58

OMG I can't believe how even something like this can turn into a serious debate on this site lol!!!

Thanks for all your points of view, but please don't bother argueing over it ladies...it's surely just a personal choice not a moral dilemma!

ladyintheradiator and hallomutti my reasons for wanting to find out are the same as yours- I think I would find it easier to think of the baby as real if you see what I mean and to bond more. As a first (and very possibly only)timer tho, you do get influenced bp people making out that it kind of takes away from the whole experience, but the point is everyone's different, and in some cases it may actauuly add to it.

Hey hallomutti can't believe you mananging to keep it secret form your partner- good for you letting him have his surprise while you did what was best for you.

By the way- how often do they actually get the sex wrong based on the 20week scan do you think?

OP posts:

PixieCake · 09/06/2010 18:04

Hi Lelarose,

As I understand it, if they say it is a boy (ie they can see a willy) you are pretty much guaranteed it is a boy.

If they say it looks like a girl, this could just be because the testicles/willy haven't formed yet. So a boy could still pop out.

Bumperlicious · 09/06/2010 18:08

I have done it both ways to be honest I regretted finding out. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter what you do.

LadyintheRadiator · 09/06/2010 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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