A few questions from a first-time soon-to-be-mum, please help!

[MadameG]

Hello ladies, I'm 6 months pregnant and feeling very heavy and urgh right now! Got a few questions that I need help with:

1. Epidurals- can anybody advise me from experience whether the pros or cons win on this? My fussy MIL is saying its a terrible idea....

2. Internal examinations during labour- I'm absolutely terrified of this. I have a huge proper phobia of anything going 'in' down there other than in a medical sense- probably sounds funny but I am small built down there and I had a horrific smear experience years ago that left me wanting to vomit before anything like this. Is it really necessary? Because to be honest, it will cause me huge distress and I just don't see how the midwife is even going to be able to do it on me!!! Oddly, the birth pain etc doesn't worry me horrendously, but this does.

3. What will I definitely need to make sure we have in the house ready for when we get home with baby? Besides nappies, pram, car seat and cot, I mean? I don't want to go overboard but I'd like to have what we need.

Thanks in advance.

I made a typing error- on q2 it shouldn't say 'other than' in the second line.

Re epidural. I hated every minute of mine and I don't like to think of my third labour because of it. And I was risking my spinal cord. That still makes me feel faint.

Examinations, I can't identify why you have an issue with them so it's hard to advise. You will need at least one when you arrive at hospital to check where you are and then it'll depend on how quickly you progress. I only ever had one per labour but I dilate very quickly.
I'm sure mws have met loads of women with your fears and can reassure you.

What to have at home is very personal. You could have nappies and babygros then co sleep and breastfeed and need nthing else. Or you could love handy gadgets and cute bits and bobs.

I can't do babies without a bouncy cradle and a wind up mobile but ive heard countless mumsnetters call both 'pointless'

Thanks for thoughts- re the internal examinations, its a fear of being in pain really- the smear test years ago was excrutiating and I now get very nauseous and upset before anything similar. Do they hurt?

Can answer sorry, as never had a nautural birth. I imagine they will have to do internal exams though.

As to what to have in the house. I would say all that you have listed, bedding and clothes. Toiletries for baby, and some method for bathing - either a baby bath or a bath seat support. Baby towels would be nice - with a hood as they are cosy. Oh and a changing mat, and nappy bags!
One thing I will say is if your planning to bottle feed - get an extra kettle (so you always can have cooled boiled water) the other kettle you use for your own cups of tea! Bottles, milk and steriliser. You'll need a good changing bag too.

For those women who want them and they work, epidurals will always be a winner! I'm going to have it in my birth plan that I want to avoid one if at all possible because 1, it might not work properly and 2, other health issues mean that local anaesthetic don't work on me. So for me, I'd only want to risk an epidural if I needed an EMCS and there was time to try an epidural.

What you need really depends on so many things as Trafficcone said. Are you breastfeeding?

I'm thinking of breastfeeding, yes, although I've heard some stories of women having a nightmare trying to get the baby to latch on, so I wondered whether to have the stuff for bottle feeding at the ready too. Or maybe it's possible to do a bit of a combination? I'm not sure.

1. I never felt I needed an epidural. You may be ok without one.

1. Internals are grim, but you have to grit your teeth and get on with it. Having said that, you may be able to refuse them but it will be very difficult for your midwife to know how you're doing. If you are induced as I was they will be up and down in there a dozen times. However, once labour started, my contractions were so closely spaced that she didn't get a chance to examine me.

1. Clothes, but not loads as people will give you them. Also, a pram is not a necessity straight away.

Ive never had an epidural so cant give any advice on that - are you going to parencraft classes as they will go through this in detail.
Internals re uncomfortable rather than painful put its usually with just a finger rather than an instrument TBH with contractions etc it will be the least of your worries and you can look at them in a positive way as you'll know your progressing.
Re what to have at home is depends on your set up as this has changed with each one for mme. With DD1 I had a moses basket, a rreclining bouncy chair and feeding pillow aas essentials. Now Id add the electric sswing (not the silly little ones doesnt seem tto have enough force for my DC) to eentertain the baby a bit longer if Im ddealing with the other 3.

1. epidurals - I didn't have one (although did have spinal block for c section in the end, having got through to pushing stage on gas and air). Chose not to have one as was told everything was progressing v quickly and epi would slow it down. But what they don't tell you is that the pain when you start pushing gets MUCH worse. Worth bearing in mind when you are making the decision. Don't think you can make the decision beforehand, tbh. I would probaby have one if I were to go back and make the decision again.

2. IME things you think you will care about beforehand, you really won't by the time it comes to it and you are having contractions. FWIW I wish they had done an internal examination on me sooner (they like to avoid it as it risks introducing infections, apparently) as they wld have worked out that DS was breech and saved me going through labour only to end up with an EMCS right at the last minute. I would talk to your MW about your concerns and discuss what situations it would be done in and why.

3. Carrycot/moses basket or similar for baby to sleep in in your room initially, assuming you are planning to do this (unless you are putting cot in your room). Vests (the kind with poppers) and sleepsuits. Other than that, nothing really.

Good luck.

Re internal examinations - I too was very nervous about this - I tense up very easily to such an extent that sex can be painful. I used vaginal dilators to practice relaxation whilst having something 'up there' and also told my midwives, and had written on my notes as few examinations as possible. They were very supportive, cant remember how many I had but it wasn't many, and it was no big deal at the time.

Hi,

I wonder if it might be worht trying hypnosis to help to face the internal exam?
I did find it uncomfortable but not painful- but thats not helpful for you! Its prob worth finding some way of heklping you face the fact it might happen, like hypnosis. I've never had it but friends have had it and say positive things.

Nive had an epidural so cant help.

At home- loads of vests and baby grows and moses basket sheets. A breast feeding cushion- ir breast feeding. A baby monitor. Nappies, cotton wool and nappy bags,.

I found this book helpful pre birth 'your baby, your body, your birth' by jenny someone- cant remember surname sorry!

And for breast feeding 'what to do if youre breastfeeding and what to do if you cant'.

Also good to find out now about local breastfeeding support groups, as it can be hard at first and when the hormones kick in its hard to think straight and work out where to get help.
Good luck!!!!

1. If you have an epidural, there are a few possible serious side effects, and there is also a higher risk of an assisted birth (ventouse/forceps) or EMCS. On the plus side, if they work I have heard they are fantastic! Book an appointment with your midwife and ask her to talk it through with her - she should be happy to give you all the facts.
   If it helps, I wasn't planning to have an epidural, once I was in labour I desperately wanted one (back to back labour - v. painful) but in the end only got gas and air, and got through it.

2. If you don't want any internals, you don't have to have them. Again, speak to your midwife and explain how you feel (write it down in advance if you get tongue tied), and she can write it on your notes. I know someone who had no internals whatsoever as she declined them whenever they were offered, but she had a very straight forward birth. Do be aware they may want to do an internal IF your birth does not seem to be progressing and might be funny about admitting you without one, but there are other signs to look for which an experienced midwife will be happy to do.

3. As trafficcone says, what you will need is very dependent on your personal preferences. I could not manage without the million muslins I bought (thanks to mumsnet!), baby sleeping bags or my ikea changing table (as I have a bad back and changing on the floor was killing me), but have a search of previous threads on mumsnet and have a read and see what you think!

Re epidural - I only had one in four labours and it was a complete waste of time as I do not respond well to local anaesthetic but was in too much pain to explain this. Hence, I was not locally numb enough for the epidural needle to go in without me feeling it, hence I winced every time the anaethetist tried, hence, when she finally got it in, it did not work. So all in all, a complete waste of time.

But that is just personal experience. I am sure others will give you the pros and cons better than me. The basic pro is you are supposed to lose all pain, but one con is that you also lose the sensation of knowing when to push so you have to rely on the midwife to tell you when rather than responding to your own bodily urges. Also, you have to have a catheter put in as you can't feel when you need to urinate. This meant I had to stay in hospital longer than I would have otherwise done as they would not take the catheter out for 24 hours, plus the next night.

Re internals: I kind of know where you are coming from. I don't usually have a problem with smears but I did not have one until after my first birth so maybe I was a lot stretchier by then! I did find internal examinations painful though in labour. In fact, I got given gas and air for one! I am not sure whether you need to have one. They tell the midwife how advanced your labour is, but I never really felt they were important in the whole scheme of things. Perhaps discuss this with your midwife and see what she has to say?

You don't need much more than you listed in terms of items. Baby clothes, loads of nappies (if using disposables, get more than you would ever imagine you might need!) a place for the baby to sleep, a pram (might also be the bed) a carseat. If you are not sure if breastfeeding is going to work (it probably will!) you could buy some ready made babymilk to cover you in an emergency rather than buying the bottles, sterilizer, milk powder etc. If you need all that later, better to get it then.

Oh, one thing: loads and loads of sanitary towels. You will need tons! And I always remember my poor dh having to go out to buy some when mine ran out, and having to ask a shop assistant for help - poor man.

Re: internals. I feel the same, I put off smear tests for years and last time they used a virgin speculum, who knew there was such a thing?! Just explain your fears. Unfortunately I think you might be met with some lack of understanding, I was though hopefully you won;t be. I think the MW's assume if you're there to have a baby how can you have an issue with this? But be firm, explain, and then they'll keep exams to a minimum. I had one (and my waters broke so I think they are more important in this case), she tried with an instrument, I protested heartily, then she did it manually and it was ok. After that it was really quick manual exams to check how far you're dialated.

I had an epidural, it wasn't entirely successful at first but eventually it was topped up enough to remove the pain which I found pretty unbearable, gas and air didn't do it for me. I ended up with an emcs and a spinal block as DS was spine to spine so don't know if the epi had any ill effects or not. But, if I go for a VBAC I'd have an epi again.

Re: essentials. Bodysuits and babygrows. I wasn't going to get a moses basket but am really glad I did. We used a little washing up bowl as a bath for ages. Cotton wool and water is all you need to keep them clean.
Breastpump if there's a chance you might need it, and I'd get a steriliser, or means of sterilising even if you plan to bf as it can be really hard and stressfull if you're unlucky. Having to means to feed with a cup / tube / bottle is very reassuring. Cartons of formula, even if you never use them, realy cheap and again ressuring to have if you get in a pickle at 3am.

1. Epidural - if you're going to have one, better to have it before you're contracting every two minutes. Or it will be more awkward, and it might not have time to work Some people get on fantastically, some people not so. Tell them if there is a problem.

2. Examinations - yes. They need to see how you are getting along. Explain you are nervous about it before hand, and they will be as considerate and gentle as they can.

3. Home - what you have ready is very personal, but here is a vague list of what I had prepared:

• Moses basket with sheets and blankets
• Grobags
• Clothes (plenty of vests for first month, as you are bound to put the nappy on slightly wrong a few times ) - don't worry about fiddly outfits. Newborns need basics. Don't try to get them into t-shirts and trousers. Vests and sleep suits are perfectly acceptable
• Nappies
• Cotton wool
• Nappy sacks
• Breast pads
• Nipple cream and feeding bras if BF, bottles and steriliser if FF
• Baby bath / support
• Baby monitor
• Room thermometer
• Buggy and / or sling
• Changing mat / table
• Maternity towels / night time sanitary towels
• Plenty of big knickers and comfy tracksuit bottoms
• Lots of take away menus
• Snacks. I had a drawer full of healthy snacks (crackers, nuts, dried fruit) for when I was peckish but too tired to go downstairs and cook.
• Lots of muslin cloths
• Changing bag

RE breastfeeding. There are some horror stories, but statistically most people get on fine. The first two weeks are very difficult, and a lot of people who have the formula in the cupboard as a "just in case" end up using it because they are too tired / in too much discomfort, which makes total sense. But really this won't help, as it messes with your supply and makes the next time your baby latch on possibly more uncomfortable for you both. So if you can stick it out, generally people find everything has settled down around weeks six

Good luck

Make sure you have some of the next size up clothes too. I only had newborn size stuff, but my ds was big and needed 0-3m straight away. Even if your baby's normal sized, it will grow!

This is all extremely helpful, thanks peops! What are the muslin cloths used for?

I had epidural and now regret it. It reduced the pain, but I could not feel contractions coming and when I had to push hence had to have assisted delivery. My baby came with scars from forceps and blood on the head from ventouse. I will try to cope with gas and air next time, when you learn how to breath it does its job.

Muslin clothes are for everything. Here they have been used for -

• Stopping DS weeing in his face (chucking it over his penis when he starts!)
• Cleaning up sick
• Emergency sanitary towel
• Burp cloths (just in case of sick)
• Put down the front of a tight top to give my boobs a night off from bra and breast pads
• Had knots tied into them to give DS something to pay with / chew on
• Make shift bib when was out and forgot.

Endless uses. You can get packs of 12 for £16.99 from Mothercare - or packs of £3 from George at Asda (which works out cheaper). Can't tell the difference between the two. Though you can get them pretty much everywhere that sells baby stuff.

1; epidurals, the cons win every time, it increases the risks of complicated delivery, forceps CSection etc. BUT, even so, I still had one twice because I couldn't stand the pain.

2; If you are in labour you will not care who is sticking what up your fanjo, I hate smear tests etc under normal circumstances but when you're in labour such things pale into insignificance.

3; don't forget the shops will still be open even after you've had the baby. If there's anything you've forgotten you can go and buy it then!

Good luck

Don't feed formula if you want to breastfeed (unless its medically neccesary, but that is rare) as you're just going to reduce your own milk supply. I'd suggest you find out about the NCT now - I now they have breastfeeding counsellors that come to your house and also a helpline. They do a basic factsheet with pictures on how to latch on - I can see that being pinned up in the nursery with us!

1, Epidurals
I only used gas and air (wonderful stuff IMO) but I've heard that Epidurals make your labour go on longer as you don't feel what is going on so much. It also stops you moving around when pregnant and if you want to use a birthing pool etc then you obviously can't have the epidural.

2, Examinations
I didn't have anything put up me that I remember... Although a few people had a good look....! I progressed fairly quickly - 2 hrs for first 2cm, 1hr for next 6cm, baby out in a total of 7 hrs from first contraction. I think it would have been quicker too if I hadn't had quite so much gas and air (see point 1!) and also if I hadn't just been on my back - moving about would have joggled him down quicker I think... My top tip for encouraging progress with labour is blowing rasperries with loose lips - I started out at 11 raspberries per contraction and by the end was doing 13/14, and then the pushing ones started. The theory (Ina May Gaskin Lips Theory) is that loose lips = loose 'lips'!! My DS1 was 10lb 6oz and out in 7 hours!

3, Stuff
Assuming you're having a hospital birth rather than a home birth you'll need some nappies, clothes to bring your DS home in and a car seat. For you you'll need maternity pads, old knickers and comfy clothes.
Once you're home you'll need to have decided where they're going to sleep - if you're co-sleeping they they won't need a cot/moses basket. And you'll want something to transport them round in - pram or sling. I found a sling (Wilkinet) great for round the house.
For breastfeeding I deliberately didn't get any formula/bottles/pumps in before my BF was established - it's easy to 'give in' and give 'em a formula feed if it's just to hand. Remember that your baby doesn't actually need any 'food' for 2-3 days - initially they just need the colostrum and they're living off their stores/reserves. Let them suckle as much as they want and normally that'll tell your body how much milk to make. I went through AGONY on day 2 when my DS was sucking like mad and the milk didn't come in until first thing on day 3. But we stuck with it and then I successfully breastfed until 19 months!
You don't necessarily need a baby bath as it is fairly easy to have a bath with them - my DS loved being floated on his back, just me holding his head in my hands with his body away from me if that makes sense. We still hardly use any soap on DS - baby shampoo once a week which I started at about 6 months as he had cradle cap - everyone comments what lovely skin he has
You'll get given lots of things - or if you think you won't then start dropping hints that you'd like baby clothes rather than flowers! Also you might want to prepare some 'one handed meals' to have in the freezer. That is meals you can eat with one hand while your DC feeds - my DS always wanted to eat when I did which was very infuriating if you've got steak in front of you going cold...!
The other 'stuff' principals I used are:
a, Don't get stuff just because 'everyone' else does it - check that the stuff is actually going to be worthwile for you/your baby. I regret buying the baby gym for example as he hardly ever used it as we just didn't live that way - we were more often out in the garden/up the allotment when he'd lie on the grass and look at the trees overhead.
b, Get the minimum before you give birth - it'll be there in the shops after you've given birth and then you'll know what you need/not. I got 12 muslins before DS was born as everyone raved about them. But he just wasn't a sicky/possety baby so we only ever really used about 2 or 3.
c, Don't be afraid to be 'different' I used washable nappies and washable breast pads which lots of people thought were bonkers - but it was really important to me.

Think that's it - good luck

1. Epidurals Its got absolutely nothing to do with your MIL or actually anyone other than your and Drs. Make your own decisions and don't be influenced by others it will only make for an unhappy birth.

2. Internal examinations during labour.
   You can refuse. I did, I had only one during each of my labors. Write it in your birth plan and make it very clear to those caring for you your not having them end of discussion. If they do so without your permission this is sexual assault.

3. What will I definitely need to make sure we have in the house ready for when we get home with baby?
   Other than somewhere for it to sleep, car seat, clothes and nappies and bottles if your not BF then you don't need anything else other things are just extras.

Muslin cloths - great for making jelly with when your baby is older.

None of my babies were the sicky sort so my pack of 3 got virtually no use. But I wouldn't be without them now (the cloths) for making redcurrant jelly.

I haven't had my baby yet and am very interested in this as I have suffered from problems in the past that make me fear the examinations and stuff like forceps and I am rather small too!

What I will say is that my sister had an epidural for her second baby and thought it was fab. She was numb and she did have to have a catheter, but she did not view that as an impediment and preferred that all to pethidine which with her first resulted in a very sleepy baby who struggled to feed for days. The epidural went so well that my neice's head was crowning and no one realised it had happened so fast and with no one having to instruct my sister to push etc. She was delighted with the whole process which was much more positive than the 3rd degree tear which was the result of her first birth.

She's also advised me to have some formula about as, with her first, she felt like she was going round the twist trying to breastfeed a baby and struggling really badly. In her words, she went all 'middleclass lola and charlie I will breastfeed', had nothing else in the house and a screaming hungry baby (a neighbout came to her rescue during week 2). For her second, she had formula in in preparation, due to the first experience wasn't planning on letting her second have a look in a breastfeeding and discovered that it worked like a dream and she was a happily breastfed baby. My sister did have back up formula in the house and used it and said there was no problem with nipple confusion and no dramas with milk supply.

I'm not saying this is the way to go as I may find everything for me to be the total opposite of my sister's experience, but I thought you may like to see another view....albeit not from the horse's mouth!