Partners Mum - Am i being Over-Sensitive

[storminabuttercup]

As some of you will know from other posts ive not had the easiest of times lately - i have hyperemisis, i'm on my third uti, had blood infection and shocking dizzy spells.

Now my Partners mum is driving me mad - i am now 27+1 and i feel like she is trying to make out i am making all this up. I dont see her often but she will say - how are you? and if for any min i say im not well she will say 'we've all been there - we just have to get on with it' Hence since i was about 3 months if she asks - i say 'Fine thanks' its easier.

However when i ended up in hospital my OH told her about it and apparently - he wont give me too much detail - she said the same again. He is normally really helpful but after spending time with her he comes home and says things like 'you know that this is all normal pregnancy stuff' This causes a row.

I'm at the point where its really upsetting me - but i cant say anything. She suffers with her nerves and confidence and he will say, she says things because she's nervous. last year i miscarried and we couldnt tell her - because it would upset her. I'm treading on eggshells, yes i'm more worried than anything that any of this illness could harm the baby, and her comments are not helping.

Am i taking this to heart too much? If it was my mum - i would say something, but i cant, he wont, do i grin and bear it?

ooooohhhhh join the club, mine is exactly the same, especially about my hyperemesis which has made my DH more than a litle unsympathetic. Constant comments about other people coping and not making a fuss (i don't make a fuss) and why am I signed off work when other people manage. Really upsets me, especially when it transpires that she tells her friends I am a fraud as well. I can't say anything either so have taken to avoiding her at all costs. Have printed out stuff from the web on hyperemesis for DH and stood over him until he's read it.
Guess we just have to grin and bear it but in my more horrible moments (usually the middle of the night!) I plan my revenge on MIL. In my nicer moments I remind myself that she is thick and tactless which is a very bad conbination!
much sympathy being sent x

Cheers Hevster :-)

her friends DIL is also pregnant so im constantly being compared - ive never met the girl but alot of stuff i disagree with that she has done - i also worry that im the main topic of conversation.

I also plan revenge - but would be seen as evil if i said ANYTHING as she is seen as a poor fragile being... To be fair im a toughie and have little sympathy!

God it will be worse when we marry......

I sympathise, I had terrible morning sickness (nowhere near as bad as hyperemesis though, you poor thing) and we were moving house when I was 9 weeks pregnant. The inlaws came to help out with DD while we were packing as I was having a particularly bad day and couldn't keep anything down. According to MIL it must have been a stomach bug, as with morning sickness you 'just throw up and then feel fine afterwards' - just because that was what it had been like for her, she assumes it is like that for everyone! As they left my FIL told me to 'grin and bear it - it's one of those things everyone goes through' - like he would know!?

Unfortunately there's not much you can do to change their minds, but make sure your DH at least is on your side - take him to doctors appointments and make sure he realises that what you're going through is not just part of pregnancy, it is pretty serious, I had a friend who was hospitalised with hyperemisis.

Hope you feel better soon!

Anyone who is stupid enough to not realise that every pregnancy is different doesn't deserve your mental energy. If she makes any comments in the future, just say 'Well I think my consultant would disagree with you on that'. You have to pick people up when they criticise you otherwise they will always do it

Cheers Guys

Secunda - i have wanted to say something like that - but we have to be careful as she is so 'sensitive' Maybe i will just do it - i dont think senitivity should be an excuse for ignorance.

I may say - how long did you suffer from hyperemisis? (do you even know what it is you slack cow) the bit in brackets is in my head!!!

Sensitive my arse

She gets away with murder because she makes an unholy fuss if she is challenged on any of her ridiculous comments. Don't let her play you

Hahahaha

I shall update if i do say anything - at the min i am avoiding her

How many times has she been pregnant?
If i've done something 2 or 3 times that doesn't make me an expert at all...

ONCE!!!!

just once!!

you know thats a very good point!

why do i listen to the woman?

Grrrr!

Love the name by the way - i also miss red wine

I agree the most important thing is to get your DP on side so he is supporting you and if necessary can have a word with his mum. It should be up to him, not you, to sort her out!

Have you told him exactly how upset this is making you and that you fear the stress of it could harm the baby? Hopefully that should give him the kick up the backside encouragement he needs?!

So sorry, storm, that things are still a nightmare for you.

You poor thing. No advice but lots of sympathy. A friend of mine is 12 weeks preg at the moment is also suffering from hyperemisis. She can't get up or do anything. She walks a few steps and immediately vomits. It's very difficult.
Doesn't help that I am also at 16 weeks and haven't been sick more than 2 or 3 times.
Your mil is a right old cow if she thinks it's all the same.

I think its a matter of doing just that jacksmybaby.

The woman has drove me mad since the moment we bought a house together.

i'm still feeling pants, my best friend is taking me to tea tonight - i feel bad going out when on sick - but i'm going stir crazy and its only an hour x

Enjoy your tea. I know what you mean re going mad being off work and stuck in the house for weeks on end, don't feel bad (and look at it as a way to help avoid ante-natal depression!).

thanks - i intend to - now my hg has died down a bit i have the appertite of a horse!

i spend too much time on here and eating lol

Wow, how annoying!! I can see why that gets to you.

My MiL can be like this and it really gets under my skin. Thankfully she's in another country, so I don't have to deal with it too often. (I deal with it very badly.)

No advice, just a wave to say recognise the problem. And admire you immensely for getting through such a difficult pg.

Oh, and don't be feeling bad for going out for tea! Your mental well-being is crucial, not just physical.

Thanks umf

pregnancy been tough - but everytime i feel this little baby move i know all will be worth it!

x

My sympathies! I was sofa-bound after a heavy bleed for three weeks earlier in this pregnancy and my in-laws came to 'help' (oh ok, they were reasonably useful...). But my MIL kept saying things like 'oh I don't know how you stand it, if it were me I'd be ignoring the doctors and carrying on as usual'. I admit that I snapped back 'well you haven't lost two babies have you'
My DH has three and a half decades' practice in ignoring her - I figure it would be just unrealistic to aspire to similar zen-like mastery within just a couple of years . Hope the rest of your pregnancy goes more smoothly...

Next time dh or MIL have a bad stomach bug, just smile and say 'we've all been there'... evil

next time she says anything please try to be sick over her and then smile and sweetly say "sorry, but it's normal" and hand her a wet wipe.

i agree with lal123!!!
ive had a few bad moments over my pregnancy and my mil just looks at me like im stupid, what do you think she will be like once baby is here? surely if your other half always pushes the fact shes a cowbag because of 'nerves' then surely she too 'nervous' to be left on her own with your baby?
every pregnancy is different, maybe when she brings up her friends daughter to you you should say i hope you dont gossip about melike you gossip about her!

People just don't seem to know the difference between hyperemesis and morning sickness.

I had awful morning sickness but it was nothing like what you are going through.

I think it is your DH who is really the issue here though, if he were to rubbish her statements, even behind her back, I think it would help you keep her idiotic comments into perspective. As it is, he is letting you down really badly.

wow. can't believe you haven't exploded at her already! you must have the patience of a saint. i agree with the earlier poster who said she is being allowed to get away with saying whatever she likes as she has a 'nervous' disposition - sorry, but i think it shows a complete lack of empathy on her part to effectively say to you 'chin up, get over it' after you've been HOSPITALISED for god's sake.
if you can, i would say to her next time she does this, that it is really upsetting you and making you feel like a faker when all you really want is a bit of patience and sympathy from everyone. fuck this notion that she's too sensitive to be told. you dont have to be mean about it - just honest. i think its better to get this out in the open now in case she REALLY gets on your tits at 40+ weeks when you're soooo desperately uncomfortable you can no longer hold your tongue, and end up bringing all this up in a moment of rage.

Thanks ladies, would like to reply to you all personally but using phone so difficult. You are all very much right and I will do something, starting with a chat with oh now. I'm going to make It clear that either he says something or I will.
Feeling much better about it all after speaking to you all. And tea with my bezzy, porkchops have never tasted so good.x

Your mil is being very clever. She is playing the little old lady trick. Don't upset poor little nervous me.

Hyperemesis can be life threatening (it is in third world countries). Tell your mil that. Also tell her an ex-midwife (me) thinks she is a pathetic cow for upsetting you.

Take it easy. Plenty of rest and relaxation. And tell your mil to go ~~~~ herself.

Sensitive my eye! Why isnt she capable of being sensitive to you and your situation! It is her grandchild you are carrying after all - she should be proud of you not putting you down.
My mum is a bit of a 'I was 2o months pregnant, running a business, scrubbing the house and fainting for ireland' type. A couple of quips about her lack of medical accredations sorted it - actually one day got quite cross and said 'for God sake if I had a c section you would have a d-section, and all the martyrs are dead anyway!'
Have had fierce probs with gallbladder and DH was starting to get a bit complacent until he had a tummy bug and a bout of food poisoning (not me!) He actually commented that he couldnt believe I go through that for longer and with pain! Its hard for guys to understand and if they have other women telling them its normal etc they dont know what to make of it.
You are a saint for putting up with her - I wouldnt be able to hold my tongue!