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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Visitors after the birth

61 replies

spangles · 07/08/2005 10:28

Not sure which thread to post this on but I'll post it here coz your all in the same boat.
When I had DS1 almost 5 years ago I really didnt want any visitors except parents and parents in laws because I felt like a total beginner to the whole being a mum thing (which I was)!
Never the less my DHs sister landed with her 2 kids aged 5 and 7. I struggled to BF and it wasnt a pleasant experience so I used to go upstairs to
feed DS1. Whilst I struggled to BF DS1 my 2 young nephews appeared at the bedroom door to have a nosey and although I said nothing I was annoyed about it.
When DS2 was born 15 mths ago Whilst I was still in hospital DHs brother was on the phone to our house asking when I was coming home coz him, wife and their 3 kids wanted to come and visit.
This time round because there is such a small gap between DS2 and baby 3 I want some time alone for us to be a family and for DS2 to have chance to get used to the new baby. Do you think its reasonable to ask for no visitors for 4-5 days to give us chance to settle, and if so how would you go about requesting this?

OP posts:

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nooka · 09/08/2005 22:49

I think it's about being really clear about what you would like. I would have liked to have more visitors in hospital, especially second time around when dh was looking after ds. My mother was great afterwards, as she came around regularly for lunch, and would cook me nutricious meals, and generally care for me (I had 2 c-sections and a 16mth gap between ds and dd). I think it's easier to say please could you come on day 6 (for example) when we would really like it if you came for lunch and met the baby, and please make a big deal of the other children. Or whatever it is you do want. Generally most people won't be wanting to make your life difficult, and they may be upset to know they are causing problems. Obviously there are some exceptions!

mogwai · 09/08/2005 23:11

Did anyone else find that none of their visitors offered any help at all?

Even my mother and MIL just seemed to want to cuddle the baby. Baby is now 5 weeks old and still there has been no offer of any help with practical stuff. A pot of stew or offer of a basket of ironing would have been a godsend. Both grandmas are now offering to babysit, but MIL wants to babysit so we can go to the pub. This probably sounds ungrateful, but I have no real desire to go to the pub, I just want to go to bed.

Regarding visitors, I think we had about 35 visitors in the first 8 days. My MIL brought 6 of her friends around at 8pm when the baby was 3 days old. Call me extreme, but next time, I don't want anyone near me for a MONTH.....reaction to my recent experience.

I'd love to think I'd feel like staying in hospital a little longer, but well ladies, we all have experience of the postnatal ward, right?

TinyGang · 10/08/2005 09:29

Lol at Mogwai's potential outing to the pub!Yes, bed, sleep and time to adjust and heal is all you crave (also the irorning and cooking done too!). I think biologically it's also an introspective private time when you and dp/h must have peace to get to know and bond with your new baby.

Unfortunately there is nothing like a new arrival in the family to get them queing round the block. All for the nicest of reasons of course, but even so...

Lizzylou · 10/08/2005 09:37

I am definitely going to be stricter with potential visitors this time round and I am not moving out of our lounge to breastfeed, if they are offended , they can move! It's our family home and I was sick of feeling like an unwanted spare part last time! My MIl arrived the night after I gave birth, grabbed DS off me and 5 minutes later proclaimed that she had "bonded" with him....!! My Selfish singleton SIL invited herself round all week and kept picking up DS when he was asleep.......I felt so unconfident and awful I said nothing, this pregnancy I already feel feistier and am telling em all where to get off!

dyzzidi · 10/08/2005 13:41

Ia m expecting my first baby around Christmas and my MIL has asked me when she can come(she live 200 mile away). Before I had chance to say February she said as I have to have a CSection did I want her to come to stay while I was in the hospital. She offered to come and clean house make meals for ther freezer and do all my washing and ironing. She want s to visit at the hospital a couple of hours per day but then go home when I get discharged out to leave us time to be a familly.

Just when I was about to throw a strop she surprises me I think I will take her up on her offer!!!

Tumblemum · 10/08/2005 19:54

Mogwai, yes me too, my mil and fil came round day after horrendous birth I could barely walk as ds was assisted stitches etc... they happily accepted cups of tea which i made etc.. and had to be virtually evicted before they left it was awful, my mum came with food, st's and washed clothes and the floor and had a quick cuddle with ds, mil took babe and then eventually asked dh to hold so she could have a closer look ..... it was horribly selfish, no thought for us and when ds cried she said 'what are they doing wrong darling' ,it was awful and next time round if there is one things will be diff they will not get an entry permit for at least a week

Tumblemum · 10/08/2005 19:56

dydzdi your mil sounds brilliant

Tumblemum · 10/08/2005 19:56

dydzdi your mil sounds brilliant

Pruni · 10/08/2005 20:20

Message withdrawn

serah · 10/08/2005 20:39

Dyzzidi...my MIL also came trotting over... 8 weeks before I gave birth, and from New Zealand -all so she could help me and generally do as much for us all as she could. After the birth, she kept a low profile, appearing only around food time to cook. I really liked my MIL before. Now I really love her - I would definitely put in a vote for you accepting her offer! Bless her!!

tribpot · 10/08/2005 20:39

My Mum was fantastic, did a week of absolutely sterling service on Granny Duty after ds was born 7 weeks ago. But then again, ds is her 10th grandchild so she had had a lot of practice. She was all about doing the pratical tasks and leaving us with the baby unless we asked for help as well, it was brilliant.

Other than that, I have been offered no practical help from anyone, exactly as Mogwai says. Even other mums who come round don't so much as offer to make their own cup of tea. I am remembering all this though, so that when one of my best friends has her first in December, I can be on hand in a USEFUL way.

I was pretty brutal though - dh's bro was visiting the MIL just after ds was born and they were planning to come round but we were having such a hell of a time with breastfeeding that I just banned all visitors. I don't feel even slightly guilty about it, either.

The MIL wants to help but also doesn't want to risk dealing with ds when he might be awake and need a feed or a nappy. Yet simultaneously wants to come round to visit when he is awake so she can see him "do something" other than lie there contendedly sleeping.

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