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Visitors after the birth

61 replies

spangles · 07/08/2005 10:28

Not sure which thread to post this on but I'll post it here coz your all in the same boat.
When I had DS1 almost 5 years ago I really didnt want any visitors except parents and parents in laws because I felt like a total beginner to the whole being a mum thing (which I was)!
Never the less my DHs sister landed with her 2 kids aged 5 and 7. I struggled to BF and it wasnt a pleasant experience so I used to go upstairs to
feed DS1. Whilst I struggled to BF DS1 my 2 young nephews appeared at the bedroom door to have a nosey and although I said nothing I was annoyed about it.
When DS2 was born 15 mths ago Whilst I was still in hospital DHs brother was on the phone to our house asking when I was coming home coz him, wife and their 3 kids wanted to come and visit.
This time round because there is such a small gap between DS2 and baby 3 I want some time alone for us to be a family and for DS2 to have chance to get used to the new baby. Do you think its reasonable to ask for no visitors for 4-5 days to give us chance to settle, and if so how would you go about requesting this?

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nervousmum2be · 07/08/2005 20:26

Glad i'm not the only one having visiting worries. I'm nearly 32 weeks pg with my first child, and i aready know it's 99% likely i'll have to have a caesarean due to a long-standing back problem. Evil MIL (who lives 200+ miles away) is planning on coming down immediately post delivery, which is fine, first grandchild and all that. However, what's not fine is the fact that she wants to stay at our house and basically be there when i get home from hospital, completely uninvited by either myself or DP. Anything i do now is wrong, so it'll be even worse with her interfering with my newborn. It's really stressing me out, even more than the prospect of the impending birth. Unfortunately DP is a bit spineless when it comes to dealing with his mother, so this is one problem that won't be easily solved

Sorry for the long post, i needed to get it off my chest!

nervousmum2be · 07/08/2005 20:30

BTW, i should also add, this is the same woman who told my DP that she thought i didn't need to have a C/S (???I'm sorry, does she know me or my medical history? Is she either my orthopaedic consultant or my obstetrician? I think not!!!), and was inferring i was only going for it so i wouldn't have to go through the 'realities of child birth'! (for the record, this woman has worked as a nursing auxilliary in womens health for years, therefore SHOULD KNOW BETTER)

expatinscotland · 07/08/2005 20:34

Nervousmum

Hey, hon, it's YOUR house, too! You have EVERY right to refuse hosting her. Please, please, please - for your sanity - put your foot down and tell her bluntly: 'Sorry, but we don't want visitors for at least three weeks after the delivery.'

milward · 07/08/2005 20:37

Absolutely reasonable spangles - it's your special family time.
nervousmum2be - tell your mil the same thing. She can come when the time is right. You'll need to recover and get used to being a new mum - you don't need this stress as well.

KristinaM · 07/08/2005 20:46

Nervous mum - expat is right, you MUST MUST MUST sort this out now. CS is major surgery, you need time to recover and get to know your baby. These early weeks are so hard but so special - you cant let other people spoil it for you and your Dh. Tell her the consultant says you have to have no house guests for X weeks

After Ds was born we had loads of visitors at the house, one within 20 hours of the birth and I was so stressed by it all. i have vowed to be much firmer next time

Spangles _ i woudl be tempted to get DH to tell people after baby is born that it was "quite difficult " or something else vague and the doctor said no visitors for 5 days.

expatinscotland · 07/08/2005 20:50

Nervous
Look at it this way: your baby will only be a tiny newborn once. Do you want MIL to spoil that for you? And all your memories of this special time to be clouded by nagging, nitpicking MIL?

Yeah, that should give you strength!

Anniek · 07/08/2005 22:01

My Sister visited me two days after I got out of hospital with her two DD's one 4 and one 2, while my sister was holding my 5 day old DS my first ever baby, her two DD's started to have a fight and push against their Mum, whose only response was a very weak "come on stop it" which had no effect what's so ever, then at one point a foot came extremely close to my DS's head, at which point my neices discovered the wrath of Auntie Anne, I shouted their names loud enough to bring the house down, which I kind of regretted because it was their mum I was upset at for not controlling her kids or handing me back my DS so he was out of the way, but in reality what I should have done is asked for my DS back when they started to fight, but I was trying to be nice and ended up reducing my 2 year old niece to tears, not my proudest moment

The moral of this long story is, tell / ask people what you want straight up it would be easier, and if they have anything about them they will understand.

rodeo1 · 07/08/2005 22:03

Yes I'm just planning to have immediate family round for first few days, and by that I mean my mother and my sister - sorry I don't see the in-laws as immediate family - that sounds terrible doesn't it?

I'm sure that it'll all come back round when my ds's future wife doesn't want me round either (obviously I'll totally understand! )

dramaqueen72 · 07/08/2005 22:30

I need to get the hang of this too spangles. with my last baby I spent literally days in the bedroom with her trying to hide from so many well meaning visitors. my problems start with the fact dhs 'imediate' family is HUGE, and all mean well and all want to come and peek at and hold the new baby. or even do things like whisk my other children away, when i actually wanted them-my children!- to stay around the baby and know I still loved them too -iyswim.
The stress of trying to please so many people at once kicked off my PND big time, so this time I NEED a plan...and abit of courage to say something.
know exactly how you feel, but everyone here is very right, you MUST say what youre comfortable with.

nervousmum2be · 08/08/2005 09:44

thanks Expat - i guess i'm just going to have to be brave and tell her (seeing as DP won't - i showed him your posts last night and we had a blazing row about him feeling like piggy in the middle! So much for him sticking up for the mother of his unborn child and supposed adored life partner )

basketcase · 08/08/2005 09:52

My sister had her mil from Australia arrive for the birth of her first grandson - she had arrived before she had left the hospital and stayed in their house for three weeks!! During which time she didn?t lift a finger around the house, contributed nothing to the expenses, cooking etc. and constantly told my sister how she should be doing it. Apparently in Australia they do it differently, healthier and better
On the upside, she is such a dragon, the rest of the family only did quick visits to avoid her.

I told my side of the family what my visiting wishes were - in hospital to meet new baby if all was fine - ie. wait for the call, and then after a couple of days to give us a chance to rest. DH told his family (of course, they totally ignored his advice and turned up on day one to stay for a week...AAAAAAGGGGGHHHH)

expatinscotland · 08/08/2005 09:56

Don't let fear of appearing rude be a source of stress and depression for you!

THEY are the ones being rude by not asking first if visitors are welcome.

Original poster
spangles · 08/08/2005 10:23

Dramaqueen72... totally agree with not wanting people to take other children "out of the way", I want then around the baby so they feel part of the special time and dont get their noses pushed out by the arrival of the new baby. Also the point of having a few days without visitors is to give DH, myself AND the children time alone together to get used to the new family set up.
I am definatly going to be firm...and am going to have to have an answer ready to the question " is it all right if we come to see the new baby this evening"? I shall also have to be prepared for anyone who just lands on the doorstep!

OP posts:
sweetkitty · 08/08/2005 10:35

I had DD 400 miles away from family and friends so had no visitors in hospital or for first 5 days = heaven BUT then MIL descended for a few days, she was already put out that we asked her to stay in a hotel close by (we had a tiny 2 bed flat) but when they come from a distance they stay for days instead of popping on for half an hour.

It was a complete nightmare, she complained about having to go outside for a smoke (I think she expected to smoke over my newborn!) I made her dinner as she doesn't do take aways but the worst thing was the next day the HV came round for her first visit, she was there and she had been drinking sherry from about 1.00 in the afternoon so was very loud, I had to ask DP to ask her to remove the sherry before the HV came round. The HV was trying to talk to me about DD and carry out her hearing test and MIL was in the background being loud! V stressful.

This time I will be an hour away and they can come visit from Day 1 but I will not even be making anyone a cup of tea, they can get their own.

hub2dee · 08/08/2005 10:54

I updated the message on the answer phone - 'dw, baby in hospital, all doing fine, we probably won't be answering the phone or the door for a while, but leave us a message'...

Stuck a note on the door - 'new parents and baby resting, please do not disturb ! Please call back later.'

Something to that effect...

Left the note on the door for a week, LOL, and updated the phone message when dw and baby were back home, so people could phone up, get an update and not disturb us.

We stuck some photos on a Web page so that may have helped stem the curiosity too...

Tumblemum · 08/08/2005 11:18

Nervousmum my dh is spineless when it comes to mil, and it has caused so much grief between us. I now have to deal with her, copious ammounts of wine helps, or it causes massive problems between me and dh as he is unable to, I wish I had from the outset, but it aint easy....

PrettyCandles · 08/08/2005 21:11

I was telling someone in RL about this thread, and they told me that they had put a notice on the front door and changed the answerphone wording accordingly, and had it pick up on the first ring so that they could filter calls. And at least once a day when they left the flat they found flowers or food on their doorstep!

mummyhill · 08/08/2005 22:07

This time I am telling everyone to leave us alone for the first 4 days after comming out of hospital this time as i ended up comming home to a housefull of people who expected to be waited on hand and foot when i came out with dd. Unfortunatley they were all sorely disapointed as i disapeared to bed with dd after about 1/2 an hour and left dh to deal with them.

Moomin · 08/08/2005 22:41

We had a 'babymoon' with dd which we warned our families and friends about before the birth. I was very adamant about it as I'm a bit funny about visitors 'popping in' anyway and I wanted to be able to walk around in my nightie or stay in bed if I fancied. I had a c-section and had some visitors while in hosp which wasn't too bad as they were limited for time and quantity but we stuck rigidly to our no visitors rule when we got home.
Do stick by your guns and don't let pushy relatives take over - you'll only regret missing out on that time with just you, dh and the baby and you never get that special time back. Notes on the door are good. I know a few of dh's relatives thought we were a bit funny but I really didn't give a monkeys and I'm so glad now. Am planning on exactly the same method with this one, due in Oct.

cod · 08/08/2005 22:43

Message withdrawn

triceratops · 09/08/2005 16:02

I loved having visitors. But then I have a really nice family thank goodness . None of them minded in the least when I went back to bed and left them to look after ds. No body expected me to get dressed or to make them cups of tea and the house was a complete tip crossed with a florists. I loved sharing this special time with the people close to me. If someone asked me not to come round to theirs I would not be remotely offended. It is a time when you should be completely selfish.

lulabelle · 09/08/2005 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jessicaandbumpsmummy · 09/08/2005 16:37

When i had jess, my mum and dad were staying with us as the lived 200 miles away at the time. I didnt lift a finger for the whole 10 days they were there.

I came out of hospital 12 hours after having Jess to find my brother and his now wife on the doorstep - they had driven 200 miles to see us - for the afternoon! It was really nice to see them all, we got a takeaway and dad got a bottle of bubbly and we chatted til about 8pm when my bro left.... they had driven 200 miles for a 4 hour visit!

I would in no way be offended if someone didnt want visitors for a week or two after the birth, i know this time i will see my dad and my brother and SIL but as for the rest of the family - they now live 200 miles away and as far as im concerned can go to hell! In-laws - i hate them!

TinyGang · 09/08/2005 16:48

'The road to hell is paved with good intentions' so thay say and visitors after the birth of babies fall into that category for me most definately.

After the birth of dd1 I needed help to give the first breastfeed. Catching a midwife to help me was difficult because they were so busy. I finally got some time with one when a ton of visitors descended (it was evening and I'd only had the baby a few hours before). Dh kept popping back anxiously asking if they could come in yet because it was getting rather late for his Nan and one of them even said apparantly 'oh, don't bother with that, just give her a bottle'

At home they trooped through endlessly while I fussed about making bloody endless cups of tea until I was ready to explode. I'm really funny about hot drinks around babies and children (having been burned badly myself) no-one took a blind bit of notice. I don't even drink tea or coffee! I even came back into the room thinking one of them was looking after my baby to find that one was - a very young cousin holding dd totally unsupervised whilst everyone else was yakking elsewhere.

I also seem to remember attempting a rather difficult breastfeed in front of one of dh's uncles.

They don't take the hint - be firm with them - take control or they will. I wish so much I'd had more peace at that time with all my babies and although they maent well, I started to resent them.

mummyhill · 09/08/2005 19:50

I will i think allow our parents and siblings to come to the house after a couple of days. And ask all the rest to leave us for a fortnight so that we can get used to being a foursome. Most of the relatives will troop through the hospital so it's not as if i am preventing them from seeing our new arrival at all.And by doing it this way i will have some company when dh goes back to work.