How do you deal with work guilt when you have problems in pregnancy?

[Bumperliouzzzzzz]

I have had a catalogue of problems this pregnancy, early bleeding, 4 months of morning sickness, insomnia, and now possible SPD and carpal tunnel syndrome.

I was signed off for one week when I was about 3 months as I hadn't slept properly since about 6 weeks. Still not actually, but now it is not insomnia as such, but more down to being so uncomfortable, I have calf cramps, muscular/nerve pain in my thighs and carpal tunnel at night which are all conspiring to keep me awake. I have had a few other days off sick, maybe 2 or 3, because when I have a REALLY bad night after so long a period of bad sleeping I tend to get a bit hysterical and delirious. To help with this I have been put onto medically reduced hours, usually I work 8.5 hours 4 days a week but they have said I can do between 6 and 8, which is great and has helped.

I went to the GP today on the advice of my midwife to get some strong pain killers which may help me sleep and the GP just said 'do you want a week off' and I umm and ahhhed and said I feel really bad as I am already on reduced hours. She said to take a week off, take the pain killers try and get some sleep, do not very much (difficult when we are moving in a month!). In the end she has signed me off for just two days as I don't work Fridays and it's a long weekend.

The thing is I feel such a lot of guilt over work. No one has said anything, well they can't anyway (not that it stops them usually) but I just feel like a complete burden, and there is the feeling that being pg is 'my choice' - not that I even concur with that argument, but I know that is the attitude a lot of people have.

I was just wondering how other people felt when they have had to take time off. Everyone seems to know someone who sailed through pregnancy which doesn't help, but I hate being pregnant and it just seems to make my body systematically fall apart, and makes me really miserable to the point where I think some really unsayable things, but it is just down to lack of sleep, it impedes my ability to cope with everything else.

I'm worried everyone is thinking badly of me, that I am a burden to my boss and my organisation. I also feel bad for my husband as he never gets to be ill or tired as my feeling bad trumps his. Argh, the guilt, it's eating me alive! I just need to know it is ok, and I have a right to be pg and can't help feeling the way I do.

I'm off work at the moment with heavy bleeding and tbh I deal with the guilt by just not caring, I've worked hard for them for the last 13 years they can cut me some slack now when it's something so very important.

But I can see it is different if you've had problems for a few months but I really think you have to let go of the guilt and think of yourself and baby. Your doctor wouldn't suggest you taking a week of to rest if he didn't think you needed it. You aren't a burden to anyone.

Bumper I have been there too. Last time I had a lot of time off with HG and sciatica; this time also had time off with HG and now am on a special working from home arrangement.

I KNOW I made myself a lot more ill with worrying last time (stress really makes sickness worse); and I suspect (although have absolutely no medical evidence to back this up) that it may also have contributed to DS arriving 5 weeks early.

All I can say is you MUST put yourself and your baby first. Anyone worth bothering about at work will know you are not taking the p*ss. Easier said than done, I know. But you MUST try not to stress and feel guilty.

Hope things improve for you soon.

Completely agree with the people above, but also, having felt that like before too, think about in another way.

Taking this week off to rest and get better might mean that you are better able to work for the rest of your pregnancy.

Hope you feel better soon.

I had HG.
I worked my f*cking socks off when I was well enough, minimised the amount of medication I took so I would be as capable as possible of doing my job, minimised the time I took off, got my family to help out with childcare so I could use all the time I had got on work.... I tried so hard.

And a week before my baby was due I got a stroppy email from my boss complaining about my productivity. When I outlined how hard I had tried and listed everything I had done in the time he said 'that shouldn't have taken you more than a fortnight of focused work'.
Which was factually nonsensical because one of the things I had achieved despite my illness was being on call in the office for all the time allotted to me (everyone in my department took it in turns to be on duty to deal with random things that come up on top of your normal workload), I had 13 days allotted to me and I don't know how 13 days goes into 10

I was so upset by the email that I fainted. That half hour before the baby moved again after that was the scariest half hour of my life. Thank God he was & is fine.

I have since resigned my job. I cannot work with this man any more.

I don't regret many things in life, but my God, I regret putting work first rather than my own health and the needs of my family baby.

The moral of the story is DO NOT FEEL GUILTY and PUT YOURSELF AND THE BABY FIRST. Because if they have decided to be pissed off with you for being pregnant and sick there is nothing on earth you can do to change that.

I'm in my second fortnight and have warned them that I don't expect to be back after that. I was falling asleep at work before this so at least 2 of my colleagues were aware of the problem and had been sending me home.

On the other hand I still feel guilty as I was the only one working in my role and have now had to hand my work on to others (although they'll have to take it on anyway when I go on maternity leave)

Thanks for the replies, I know you are right. Fortunately it is a large organisation, and the world isn't going to fall apart without me.

I think it's the fact that pregnancy is seen as a choice rather than usual illness which you can't help. Although I would argue against that (and have done in my head many times!).

I was off sick for 2 months with dc1 with SPD. Once I was at home and on the sofa I couldn't have cared less about work! I found it really difficult to face up to the facts (I was physically incapable of being at work) but once I'd called them and said that the gp had signed me off I felt fine. As it was we moved houe and I never went back.

Pregnancy may be a "choice" but it's a choice that most people decide to make at some point. If all the hard working women didn't reproduce, where would the next generation of hard working women AND men come from?

I bet many of the male managers that are unsupportive of pregnant workers have children of their own - aren't they lucky that pregnancy didn't impact on them

If you are fortunate enough that your employers are being supportive of your difficulties - or at least aware that they aren't in a position to complain, then please don't give it another thought, just take the time you need (although I know it's easier said than done).

In my working life I've seen people take time off for far less important reasons. If I'm lucky enough to get up the duff I will try to take my own advice and put myself and baby first

I am in the same position, but getting grief from my boss.
With my first, I stayed doing full time hours, before finishing 2 weeks before due date.
This time, I had a slipped disk, and had the first 2 months off.
I was bored, and wanted to get back to work, so my boss said I could go back, doing 5/6 hrs aday - instead of 10hrs a day.
However, I now have a new boss, (male) who asks me every week how many hours I am doing - he knows full well!!
We had an argument last week, which I swore at him. OOPS. He told me he wanted me to do 8 hrs, and that i am not entitled to any break ( I never have one anyway!).
he has a real issue with me being pregnant, on reduced/ restricted duties.
I am made to feel soooo guilty. I have felt sick ever since he shouted at me,and dread going in to work. I am 36 weeks, and due to finish in a few weeks anyway. I'm sure this stress isn't doing baby any good.
Anyway, I slept on the sofa due to the heat last sunday, and my back went worse again, so had this week off (in tommorow).
I am dreading the little coments and digs I will get off him.
I was a hard worker before getting preggers, and feel like all that dedication/ hard work has been wasted!!
I know that my and the babys health is most impotant, and feel like sticking two fingers up at him.
So why do we feel so guilty?

Imcurrently 32 wks and have been off since 28 weeks with spd and carpel tunnel. This is my 4th pregnancy all of which have been whilst working for the same large org. With prg 1,2 and this one Ive needed time off for the Spd. I wont be going back to work before my mat leave starts after I was originally signed off for 2 weeks my boss told me to stop being silly and to get signed off till the end and to think of myself and the baby.

I can ssee a few people posting that their male bosses dont understand but I found the female one was a massive bitch who even though I was going into work on crutches and crying with pain still insisted I couldnt get SPD till the last 2 weeks as she didnt.
The 2 male bosses have been far more understanding of pregnancy and any childcare issues etc.

DONT FEEL GUILTY and dont care what they think. You need to make sure you and your baby are ok plus you'll have months off after the birth for them to get over it.

Dear heavens, you poor things, all of you. And at sethstarkaddersmum and fainting. That is just awful. I am not an employment rights specialist, and this is just a bandaid measure at best, but can you write down and keep a record of bad treatment you are getting? (To all those who have said they are). As far as i am aware it is illegal to harrass and initimidate someone at work based on ilnness and pregnancy. I am horrified to hear some of your stories. And a pox on someone who says that you cannot get this or that illness while pregnant because THEY did not.

I had a week of bedrest early on due to premature labour, and felt hideously guilty. Thankfully my boss and work were all fine. I realise now how lucky I was.

Good luck everyone.

I am off work at the moment and wont be going back (im 23wks) I understand about the guilt - I was agonising over my decision and even the week I was supposed to go was thinking of putting it off another few weeks and struggling on! But then I took the time and fell apart! I cannot believe how rundown and ill I am. It enough to get thru the day at home with my two boys not to mind adding a full time job to the mix. I spent last week in an awful state physically am only just starting to feel a bit stronger now. The thing is we feel we should be great at everything and want to give everything 100% but at times pregnancy does not allow for that - it demands your full attention. I have decided to put my guilt aside because I know I would never forgive myself if something happened to my little baby over something as transient as work! As for pregnancy being a choice - yep it is but one with unforseen consequences. My first pregnancy was a walk in the park! my second not so hot and this one is testing me to my limit. It will def be my last one - all the more reason not to stress!

bumperz could I jsut ask you a quick question? You said you were on medically reduced hours - is this something you have worked out between you and your employer or is it something everyone is entitled to? I work for the NHS and struggling with early SPD so just thinking ahead....

I too am shocked at some of the stories. I do get the feeling guilty - this is my second pg in the organisation I work in and for the first I really struggled hard to make it in even when I was suffering badly from m/s and being sick five or six times a day.

This time, I had a scare early on and spoke to my line manager and basically told him I would be leaving early and working at home if I needed to whilst I was getting through the first trimester. I don't feel guilty at all - I am still delivering all my objectives to the best of my ability and I see little point in putting in a certain number of hours if I'm completely unproductive. I came home yesterday and slept for a bit and was starting to feel a bit guilty about it, but actually I have managed a great day today and got loads achieved.

I am very lucky that my employer is very sympathetic and I have flexi time and a log-in so I can work at home. I wouldn't take the piss in terms of time off, but it is really important I think to put yourself and your baby first and not to stress too much about it.

I am off work at the moment with food poisoning (I'm 26 wks). My boss has called/text me every day to ask if I am up to dealing with e-mails/taking calls/setting up meetings etc. It makes me so cross and I know he is wrong for doing it but at the same time the guilt for not going into work is awful. I just tell myself that he wouldn't feel guilty if he was unwell and try not to worry about it. I also hate the whole "pregnancy is a choice" thing. One of my colleagues thinks just that and thinks its unfair that I am still entitled to certain benefits when on maternity leave. On more than one occasion she has told me that its "not fair"! Like someone else said, I think you just have to accept that some people will be pissed off regardless and do what is best for you and baby. Phew, rant over

Thanks for all the replies. I am lucky in that no-one has said anything to me at work. My boss said yesterday 'You're health comes first' but I did feel like he was just saying it IYKWIM? He is young and single and not great at the pastoral side of things, but he is clearly trying so I'm ok with that.

I think for me my problems aren't really tangiable, I'm just exhausted and it is hard for people to realise how debilitating it is until they go through something similar, and the hip pain etc. has only just started so it seems like I am just adding on symptoms willy nilly!

MrsSenior, this is something that my occupational health have come up with with me, however my doctor had mentioned something similar before. They have this new 'fit to work scheme' in which the idea is to keep you in work and make it easier for you to be in work rather than have to be signed off work.

No one has actually said 'it's your choice to have children' (well, actually my last boss did say that ) but I just feel that is what they are thinking. Obviously, I completely disagree, and think that having children is a perfectly natual and valid event, in fact you could argue that people make the choice NOT to have children...can you tell I've been saying this all in my head!

I'm lucky that I work for a very flexible organisation that is great in policy, but it is very male dominated. I know a lot of this is my head and not as bad as some of you have suffered.

I am 17 weeks pregnant with my DC2 and will go on the second maternity leave while working in the same organisation. The first time I felt pregnant I was there only for 3 months and was struggling to cope with the guilt I felt, although nobody said anything the silence is sometimes worse. I was thinking a lot before planning my second pregnancy as I did not want big gap between children but also feeling guilty to go on second leave only after 3.5 years here.. especially when no one in my dept has children! Someone told me ?put your family first!? and I am trying to follow it, however I am afraid to tell I am expecting, I have been using my annual leave for MW appointments, I am hiding my bump in front of colleagues while exposing with friends? it is just all due to the terrible guilt! On the other hand, I like working here and I am planning to return full-time and not having any more children, and hopefully they will understand my point.. But it is a shame that we feel this way.

MrsSenior-My sick note says about phased returns and something about special circumstances so I'm sure GP could write in that that you can't do XY& Z.Havent got a note here so cant check the exact wording.

nymph I think I might have quick search on tinternet.. My problem is I do a lot of out of hours work which is much more of a problem for me and my SPD as I am on my own therefore more lifting/moving etc. If they made me to the same number of hours during the day it wouldnt help massively as becasue it is so much busier etc I would just have the same prob (but for less money).

Does anyone know if you are on restricted/medically reduced etc hours then do you only get paid for the hours you work or do they treat the hours you are not there as if you are off sick i.e. you get paid for them... As the only other choice seems to be off sick full-time which can't be good for anyone.
If anyone has experience of this specifically in the NHS I'd really appreciate the advice.
xx

Not NHS but public sector, I am still getting my normal wage but the hours that I don't work accrue and get added to my sick leave (although I'm not sure how that works with it being pregnancy).

pregnancy related illness shouldnt count towards your sickness record - or so i read somewhere else?!

MrsS, while an employee's sick leave record is normally one of the factors an employer could take into account in a reduandancy situation (i.e. when deciding between 2 or more employees doing the same job, which should be made redundant), pregnancy-related sick leave is an exception and must be ignored for these purposes.

So sorry to hear that you're having a bad time, but do try not to feel guilty about work. You can't help what's been happening and are going through the proper medical channels to have it sanctioned. And as your manager, says, your health (and that of your baby) does come first.

Every pregnancy is different and some people coast through while others have a really rough time. Cut yourself slack and just concentrate on yourself and your baby. Take care

I've been off since 32 weeks, so have been off about six weeks. I do feel guilty but work have not telephoned or texted once to see how I am. I am pissed off and relieved simultaneously Can't believe some of the stories here specially sethstarkaddermum, horrific. I dream of quitting the job and moving home so they can never find me

I'm doing everything I cn to avoid going off sick, partly cos of guilt, also money, but mostly cos I am half way through a training course that I will get pulled off if I go on long term sick. This training course is something I have wanted for AGES and would mean a massive change in my job (and pay) sometime after my mat leave so it is in my interests to finish it.

Some of you guys sound like you are having horrible times. And when we are already all emotional, jsut having one more thing to stress about isn't fair.